Ignore your mother’s chiding to not play with your food. If you can’t have a little fun with your nosh, you can sit in the corner and eat paste. Those with an adventurous palate read on. Bringing food into your fornicating makes something decadent delicious. It’s a scrumptious twist on foreplay. My most memorable New Year’s celebration was a homemade sushi party for two. We ate sushi off each other’s naked bodies and used our navels like soy sauce dishes. It got us both so hot that we banged in every room in the house. Most memorable sushi dinner EVER!
Culinarylingus will help you discover what really turns them on as you lick them clean. Make this the most delicious banging session ever. Culinarylingus brings you two closer and gets you further in a hookup. You’ll never think about food in the same way. We’re talking memories you can recall when you’re in a nursing home in soiled diapers and the only pleasure you get is from a plate of Jell-O and Law and Order re-runs. Playing with your food opens your sexplorations to all manner of activities. Sensual, edible games are at your disposal depending on what you are playing with.
Using someone’s body as a plate is a delightful way to nourish yourself. But always exercise caution. A good idea like combining food and sex can become a bad idea like setting your own genitals on fire with hot sauce. There are foods that work to glorious effect and some that cock-block your efforts. Let common sense guide you to the right part of the market to buy your goods. Avoid anything that would be messy or painful. Aphrodisiacs are always par for the course with the uncomfortable exception of chiles. A word to the wise: always set a towel, newspaper, or plastic sheeting below to avoid stains you don’t want to remember for years to come.
| Do | Don’t |
| Whipped cream | Sandwiches |
| Berries | Mayonnaise |
| Sashimi/sushi | Pizza |
| Chocolate | Salami |
| Ice cubes | Taco salad |
| Pineapple | Chili peppers |
| Popsicles | Hot sauce |
| Honey |
Whipped Cream
The culinarylingus canon classic. Whipped cream is a tad predictable, but there’s a reason why it’s the go-to lickable lubricant. No doubt, the 50s house wives made creamy dreamy whoopee with the mailman while the kids were at school. Whipped cream is sweet and suggestive of the final act of consummation. You can manipulate it in all sorts of fun ways. Spell out commands like EAT ME, LICK HERE, YUM, I LOVE YOU, etc. Form yourself a bikini or mankini. You could even snort a whip-it hit while you orgasm. Be careful not to overindulge because dairy lowers your libido.
Berries
Strawberries, blueberries, blackberries, boysenberries, acai berries, dingleberries. So many glorious choices. Devirginize yourself with a variety of sizes, colors, and flavors. Create a colorful collage across your date’s chest and suck them up one by one. Bonus that they resemble the nipply nibbly bits. Raspberries and blackberries make great pasties. Berries won’t fill you up and are bursting with juicy antioxidants to keep you in the game. Be aware that berry juice stains on Monica Lewinski’s blue dress stained Bill Clinton’s rep.
Sashimi/Sushi
Like I said, the best sushi dinner I ever ate was off a girl’s tits. Wealthy Japanese businessmen pay small fortunes to eat off a naked woman. You are saving cash this way. High-quality raw fish delivers aphrodisiac payloads where it counts. The protein and sexy time flavor revs you both up and the texture is not unlike certain parts of a woman’s anatomy. Suck and savor, my friends. Enjoy the cold fish on your warm skin. Just be sure to use only the freshest fish so no one gets sick by your sickening pursuit of sexual thrills.
Chocolate
Cocoa crack reporting for duty. Chocolate is the sweetest sexual stimulant around. There’s no danger of passing out when you have chocolate-covered naughty bits. It forms and melts like a yummy clay that can be molded over and licked clean. Chocolate dances so elegantly back and forth between two mouths. It’s like a relationship that changes and shrinks until it dissolves completely. Present your date with a box of chocolate, the gift that keeps on giving. But never let the chocolate slip too far down or it might be mistaken for a similarly colored substance . . . unless that’s your thing.
Ice Cubes
Frozen H2O is where the party’s at! We’re talking about the sex toy that melts and never stains. It’s sugar-free frozen fun available in any freezer. You can freeze them into a pornocopia of shapes. Ice offers a rush of sensations to your pleasure receptors. Hot and cold on your most sensitive areas makes your toes curl. Tease your date by rubbing a cube up and down their body. Indulge in a snow job: cunninglingus or felatio performed with an ice cube in mouth. Now that’s refreshing!
Pineapple
Desecrate SpongeBob SquarePants’s home. What would the censors say? You couldn’t care less considering how refreshing and delicious chunks of this yellow citric joy are. Replenish those calories you burnt banging. Pineapple pasties anyone? If that ain’t enough, pineapple juice makes man juice tastes less spermy. Those pleasure-filled protein shakes will cause less gagging and more gargling. Just beware of SpongeBob’s revenge: the spiky tops can blind you and the citric acid will burn eyes and other orifices.
It’s hard to imagine anything more suggestive than the ice-cold phallic Popsicle. Like penises, they come in all sizes, shapes, and flavors. Guys, do yourself a favor and shop for Popsicles that match your stats. You don’t want to be shown up by something frozen and fruity. Few things are more refreshing than a Popsicle before, after, or during steamy summer sex. I once used a Popsicle to seduce a girl at a music festival. She put the Popsicle way down her throat, inspiring me to bail on the show for the backseat of her Honda.
Honey
The birds and the bees. Question: what’s so sexy about birds? It’s all about the bees who make the sticky sweet nectar of the ancient gods. It’s hard enough to keep your tongue out of the honey when it’s on food. Try resisting some sticky icky on supple skin. Lick, lick, lick it clean. Be careful not to get the ancient aphrodisiac in your hair or on your clothes, sheets, or furniture. I overheard a raging slut coach her friend about giving head. She imagines herself as Winnie-the-Pooh licking a honey jar clean. I never experienced her mouth’s herpes-go-round, but I do take the same lick-’em-clean-’til-they-scream approach.
Sandwiches
My love for sandwiches borders on obsession. But sandwiches don’t belong in bed. The beauty of the sandwich is the endless combination of ingredients. That means endless possibilities for spillage. You don’t want sandwich bits mixed up with naughty bits. Keep the sandwich in the fridge for a banging intermission snack. Settle for making a human sandwich where the bedsheets become slices of bread. Like the Detroit Grand Pubahs say:
You can be the bun
And I can be the burger, girl!
Mayonnaise
Weren’t you paying attention to what I said about sandwiches? Mayonnaise is just not culinarylingus material. Enough people hate it on a sandwich let alone slathered over their body. It belongs on bread far away from your bedsheets. The only thing creamy that belongs in the bed rhymes with hum. And if you think mayonnaise would make a good lubricant, may I suggest huffing air freshener instead?
Pizza
I do love me some piping hot pizza loaded with all manner of ingredients like sausage and spicy jalapeños. Delicious? Yes. Sexy? No. The only thing steamy hot that belongs in your bed is your date’s body. That body may not look as hot with third-degree burns. Pizza is best indulged in before or after intense calorie-burning banging sessions.
Salami
Aren’t you planning on playing hide the salami later anyway? Why confuse things? First off, guys, you will be overshadowed unless you are packing some serious kielbasa. And most dates aren’t down for object porn. Save your fetish for a kinky Eastern Europe an who is into sausage play. Vegetarians make up a large portion of the dating population. Chances are they won’t be turned on by meat by-products stuffed into intestines.
The taco salad is the greatest culinary abomination known to man. Its existence makes holy men question their maker. There is nothing sexy about a salad fattier than a chili cheeseburger. Salads are supposed to be nutritious, not oozing with obesity. You’ll go flaccid at the thought of getting down among the cream dressing, questionable meat, fart-powered beans, and sharp tortilla strips. Painful, messy, and piggy piggy.
Hot Sauce
Have you ever chopped up chili peppers and then rubbed your eyes or urinated? The burn is bloodcurdling. We’re talking pain so extreme you’d opt for water-boarding. Spicy food and sensitive areas do not mix. I love spicy to the point of burning off my tongue with food, but not while banging. That doesn’t mean skip spicy food at dinner, because that will help lead to a memorable evening. But remember that hot sauce is no substitute for lube.