NOVEMBER

 

NOVEMBER 1
8:15 PM

Ways to keep Jill from getting pregnant

1. Refuse to have sex
2. Fake orgasms
3. Wear a condom without her knowledge
4. Get a vasectomy without her knowledge

Realistic ways to keep Jill from getting pregnant

1. Fake orgasms

NOVEMBER 2
6:00 AM

Finances

Savings: 11,562

Income

What I tell Jill: 1,800

Reality: 773

Jill: 2,900

Expenses

Mortgage: 2,206

Toyota: 276

Honda: 318

Car insurance: 175

Student loans: 395

Cable and Internet: 215

Electric: 85

Oil: 775! (WTF?)

Phones: 180

Gas: 120

Other stuff: Too much

Number of months before we run out of money

9

Number of months before Jill thinks we will run out of money

Never

Number of minutes per hour that I worry about running out of money

52 (approximately)

NOVEMBER 4
6:00 AM

DAYS WITHOUT

Chocolate glazed doughnuts	443
Gum	12
Crying	19
Little Debbie Snack Cakes	1
Green vegetables	9
Flossing	0
Retail rage	3
Regret over quitting my job	0
Dad	5,647

NOVEMBER 4
8:10 AM

5 Problems with Lying

1. We lie most often to the people we love.
2. There is no greater shame than getting caught in a lie.
3. A lie often requires additional lies, making it impossible to ever come clean.
4. Liars are the worst human beings.
5. Lies always cover up the worst parts of you.

NOVEMBER 4
8:40 AM

How liars with the best intentions are like the owners of every iteration of Jurassic Park

They never set out to hurt anyone.

They operate with enormous hubris.

Denial both perpetuates and intensifies the problem.

The situation inevitably gets worse and worse as time goes by.

The end is never pretty.

Serious question about all Jurassic Park movies

Why not create only plant-eating dinosaurs? Are brontosauruses and stegosauruses really not exciting enough?

How the brontosaurus is like purgatory

The brontosaurus was a dinosaur, then it wasn’t a dinosaur, but now it might be a dinosaur after all.

NOVEMBER 4
9:30 AM

A New Chapter Picks of the Month for November

Treasure Island by Robert Louis Stevenson (Jim Hawkins was the John McClane of his day)

Ready Player One by Ernest Cline (Ernest Cline apparently lives in my teenage brain)

Open: An Autobiography by Andre Agassi

World War Z by Max Brooks

Ballistics: Poems by Billy Collins

Preferred Choice of Name for Billy Collins (best to worst)

Billy Collins

Will Collins

Bill Collins

William Collins

Willy Collins

Preferred Choice of Name for Me (best to worst)

Dan Mayrock

Daniel Mayrock

ANYTHING ELSE

Danny Mayrock

Nicknames for William that the Internet says are real but are not

Liam

Wills

Wylie

NOVEMBER 5
11:30 AM

Einstein’s Conditions Upon Which He Agreed to Remain Married to His Wife for the Sake of the Children

CONDITIONS

A.  You will make sure:

1. that my clothes and laundry are kept in good order;
2. that I will receive my three meals regularly in my room;
3. that my bedroom and study are kept neat, and especially that my desk is left for my use only.

B.  You will renounce all personal relations with me insofar as they are not completely necessary for social reasons. Specifically, You will forego:

1. my sitting at home with you;
2. my going out or travelling with you.

C.  You will obey the following points in your relations with me:

1. you will not expect any intimacy from me, nor will you reproach me in any way;
2. you will stop talking to me if I request it;
3. you will leave my bedroom or study immediately without protest if I request it.

D.  You will undertake not to belittle me in front of our children, either through words or behavior.

Conditions Upon Which I Will Agree to Remain Married to Jill (also a real list)

CONDITIONS

A.  You will allow me to continue to be your husband.

B.  You won’t kill me in my sleep.

Cosmopolitan and Sex

Number of times I’ve seen a Cosmo cover advertising an article featuring triple-digit sex tips: 9

Number of times I’ve been tempted to purchase one of these magazines for the sex tips: 9

Number of times I’ve bought one of these magazines for the sex tips: 3

Total number of sex tips in combined magazines that I have purchased: 304

Total number of useful sex tips: 1

Total number of useful sex tips in Jill’s opinion: 0

NOVEMBER 6
4:20 PM

Text messages from Jill at lunchtime

I wish Jasper wasn’t so stupid. How do idiots become principals?

The usual stupid stuff. Can’t keep his lies straight. Selfish assholery.

You’re lucky you escaped this place.

I miss you being here. I liked seeing you during the day.

No, I’m fine. Stay there. Sell books.

Seriously, I’m good. I have Julie and Lisa and tomato soup.

Can you pick up dog food on the way home from the store? Blue Buffalo.

I don’t want to hear it. Clarence deserves the best.

The size of gummy worms compared to the size of gummy bears makes me question the whole gummy universe.

Love you more.

NOVEMBER 8
11:00 AM

Proof that I am stupid

• When I was a kid, I dropped my cotton candy on the ground and tried to wash it off with the hose.
• When I was in high school, I still couldn’t understand why “a quarter past the hour” wasn’t 25 minutes past the hour, because a quarter is 25 cents.
• I always mop myself into the corner of a room.
• I once asked a police officer (in all sincerity) how she would handcuff a one-armed suspect.
• I thought that women had prostates until very, very recently.
• When I was a little kid, I thought that actors actually died in real life when they filmed death scenes for movies, so I was afraid to watch anything but cartoons.
• I only found out recently that a pickle is a desecrated cucumber.
• I didn’t realize that fruit juice was loaded with calories until I had gained 20 pounds.
• When I was in Mrs. Lavern’s third-grade class, I explained to my classmates that a new moon was when the moon goes away and is replaced by an entirely new moon. Then I tried to pretend like I was joking even though everyone knew that I wasn’t. Then I started crying.

NOVEMBER 10
9:10 AM

5 years of Jill

Sat beside Jill in first faculty meeting

Made Jill laugh in first faculty meeting

Fell in love with Jill at first faculty meeting

Pined over Jill while she dated fucking Feeney

Waited inappropriate amount of time after breakup with Feeney (3 days)

Dated Jill

Learned about Peter

Wondered if I could date a widow

Realized I was being stupid

Wondered if I was being stupid

One-year anniversary at Niagara Falls cheap motel

Dumped by Jill

23 days of hell

Dated Jill again

Moved in with Jill

Proposed to Jill on our second anniversary

Admit to never wanting children “never, ever, ever”

Negotiation (fight) over children

“The 72 Hours of Silence”

Concession (Jill would say “agreement”) over children

Negotiation over religion of children

Second thoughts (me, but maybe [probably] Jill, too)

Called off engagement (in my mind only)

Second thoughts a second time

Ice-cold feet

Married

Bought house on Magnolia Hill

One-year wedding anniversary in Kennebunkport, Maine

Quit teaching

Opened bookstore

Failed renegotiation over children

Attempted baby making

Fake orgasms

NOVEMBER 12
8:30 AM

Solutions to pending financial disaster

• Second job (what? when? how would I explain it to Jill?)
• Lottery
• Write a novel (can you actually make money doing this?)
• Day-trading (Do I need money to start?) (Is it a thing?)
• Poker
• Thank-you note idea
• Write to millionaires

Realistic but impossible solutions to pending financial disaster

• Admit to Jill that I’m a failure (this would not actually solve the problem)
• Ask Mom for a loan
• Ask Jake for a loan
• Find an investor for a marginally profitable bookstore

Best but still impossible solutions

• Make the bookstore more profitable

Best solutions if I had a time machine

• Un-quit my teaching position
• Don’t open the bookstore
• Don’t allow 13 months of denial and lies to pile up while our savings account disappears before thinking about telling Jill

Ways of making the bookstore more profitable

Sell more books

Charge more for books

Negotiate a lower rent

Lay off employees

Preferred order of layoffs (in an ideal world)

Kimberly

Sharon

Amy

Jenny

Steve

Realistic order of layoffs (in a world where I’m afraid of a certain employee)

Sharon

Jenny

Amy

Steve

Kimberly

NOVEMBER 15
5:40 AM

Shopping List

Special K (no fake strawberries)

Dog food

AA batteries

Extra-chunky peanut butter

Little Debbie Snack Cakes

Day Trading for Dummies

Poker for Dummies

Tulips

Kettle ball

Powerball ticket

Birthday present for Mom

NOVEMBER 15
7:50 PM

Things that exist that I didn’t think existed

Day Trading for Dummies

Things that don’t exist that I thought did

• Kettle balls
• A way of explaining to a muscular salesperson why you thought a kettlebell was called a “kettle ball” without sounding stupid or slightly perverted

NOVEMBER 15
10:30 PM

Division of Labor

JILL:

Shops for food and most household goods

Cooks almost all meals (doesn’t like my cooking)

Sweeps (so she claims)

Washes, folds, and never fucking puts the laundry away

Weeds flower beds

Changes sheets

Walks and feeds Clarence

Cleans bathrooms

DAN:

Pays bills

Brings out trash

Replaces trash bag after taking out trash (which is an additional chore no matter what Jill says)

Definitely sweeps

Washes, folds, and PUTS AWAY LAUNDRY

Ruins Jill’s sweaters and jeans while trying to wash them

Mows lawn

Organizes Jill’s sink-top cream/lotion/soaps/makeup paraphernalia when she’s not looking

Constantly turns off lights (yes, this is a chore)

Cleans out refrigerator

Shovels snow

Rakes leaves into meaningless piles that eventually blow into the neighbor’s yard

Processes mail (also a significant chore no matter what Jill says)

Brings trash and recycling to curb on Mondays

Chores I know Peter did because Jill told me

Cooked

Paid bills

Walked and fed Clarence

“Just fixed things when they broke. He was good with that stuff.”

Chores I know Peter did because of what Jill didn’t tell me but told me anyway

Took away all of Jill’s worries about money, mortgage payments, insurance, retirement planning, broken dishwashers, service contracts, gutter cleaning, flat tires, refinancing, and clogged drains so she could focus on herself and her career

NOVEMBER 16
6:15 PM

Things that people have said to me this week that I don’t understand

“That pass-interference call in the end zone was bullshit.”

“Something something something IPO really took off.”

“This is clog weather.”

“The mill rate in this town is ridiculous.”

“You realize you’re playing Nickelback. Right?”

“You’d only last about two days on Naked and Afraid.”

“What’s up, jabroni?”

NOVEMBER 16
9:25 PM

Problems with being the boss

Kimberly thinks she’s the boss.

Steve should be the boss.

I never wanted to be a boss.

NOVEMBER 16
10:05 PM

My original vision of a bookstore owner

Read good books

Recommend good books to smart people

Dine with authors

Be rumored to be working on a novel

What being a bookstore owner actually looked like today

Basic accounting on an Excel spreadsheet that I don’t fully understand

Asking three teenage girls if they could please not vape in the store

Finding books for customers based upon color, size, and cover art

Removing a half-eaten muffin from between two Nelson DeMille novels

Telling customers over the phone when we close

A hell of a lot of vacuuming

NOVEMBER 17
5:35 AM

Things I’m opposed to that I wish I wasn’t

Public nudity (mine only)

Changes I would make to my appearance (in order of importance)

Back hair

Lose 20 pounds

Lose 10 more pounds

Full head of hair

Smaller ears

Six inches taller

Replace missing pinkie toe

Neck mole

Eliminate hair on the tops of my toes

Whiten teeth

Items left off this list because I can’t put them on the list

Penis

NOVEMBER 17
11:45 AM

Problems with my penis

I honestly don’t know how it compares to other penises when erect except for porn penises, which I pray to God are not normally sized penises.

I don’t know how large a penis needs to be in order to be a satisfactory penis.

I don’t know if different women have different definitions of a satisfactory penis size.

I can’t trim or shave my pubic hair because that would imply that I care when I really shouldn’t unless Jill cares but I don’t know if Jill cares.

NOVEMBER 19
3:30 PM

Reasons I quit teaching

• Kids didn’t love me
• Teachers didn’t like me
• Principal hated me
• Couldn’t continue to witness bad decisions at the expense of children
• Couldn’t stand one more minute of professional development that was neither professional nor developmental
• Couldn’t stand reading bad writing

Real reasons I quit teaching

• I wasn’t a good enough teacher
• It hurt my heart to watch kids waste so much time and ability

Reasons I became a teacher

• Understood the job
• Dad suggested it
• Always liked school
• Mr. Sullivan
• Summer vacations

Teaching revelations

1. Teaching is the only profession that you spend at least 15 years observing before trying to do it yourself.
2. I wouldn’t be a teacher if Dad hadn’t suggested it.
3. I still think of myself as a teacher even though I’m not.
4. There will always be too many kids in need of saving.
5. If the only reason I became a teacher was for the summer vacations, that would’ve still be reason enough.

Reasons I opened bookstore

Love reading good books

Love browsing bookstores

Thought it would be easy

Stupidest thought I’ve ever had

Owning and operating a bookstore would be easy

Hardest thing about owning and operating a bookstore

Everything.

Also …

Making a profit

Managing employees

Explaining to employees (employee) that proselytizing to customers is not okay

Watching great books go unread and terrible books sell like hotcakes

Reshelving magazines

Teenagers

NOVEMBER 19
8:50 PM

60 Minutes/Vanity Fair poll of women given a choice of 6 things to change about their man

His temper (29 percent)

His friends (11 percent)

His mother (9 percent)

His sense of humor (8 percent)

His physique (7 percent)

His hygiene (2 percent)

Jill’s comments about this poll

• “Their man? Seriously? How old is this poll? Or better, how old are the pollsters?”
• “60 Minutes and Vanity Fair are bizarre bedfellows.”
• “If you need to change your husband’s temper, you need to change your husband.”
• “Does changing your husband’s sense of humor mean giving your husband a sense of humor or fixing the one he already has?”
• “I can just hear it: ‘You’re leaning a little Seinfeld. I’d really like a little more Bill Hicks, with maybe a dash of Attell.’”
• “I guess if I had to choose, I’d change your mother, but more for your sake than mine.”
• “Those numbers only add up to 66%. Where the hell are the other 34%?”

My thoughts on Jill’s comments

• She didn’t want to change my physique. Or more correctly, she didn’t list changing my physique in first position. I silently cheered inside until self-doubt overwhelmed me and I wondered if she was just holding back and trying not to hurt my feelings. Then I felt bad that my wife doesn’t like the way I look and is forced to pretend that she does for my own sake. All of this happened in less than a second.
• Who are these men with tempers, and what the hell does that look like?
• She noticed that the poll only added up to 66% way too quickly.
• Me not noticing that the poll didn’t add up to 100% might explain why the bookstore isn’t making enough money.
• Who are Bill Hicks and Attell?

NOVEMBER 20
2:20 PM

Comments made to Kimberly today

“Stop suggesting Bibles to the customers.”

“Sharon’s sweaters are fine.”

“You can go home early.”

NOVEMBER 20
5:40 PM

Facts about Jesus that I told Kimberly to annoy her

1. Jesus was Jewish.
2. Jesus was a socialist.
3. Jesus was a refugee.
4. Jesus was anti–death penalty.
5. Jesus was anti–school prayer (Matthew 6:5).
6. Jesus was opposed to the accumulation of wealth.
7. Jesus was silent on the issues of homosexuality and gay marriage.
8. Jesus was a brown-skinned Middle Easterner who wore sandals to the dinner table.
9. Jesus was a friend to prostitutes.

Dan’s Laws of the Universe

Scripture is the basis of all religious belief. It is also the last thing in the world that will change a person’s belief once that belief has been falsely cemented.

There is an inverse correlation between a certainty of a person’s religious belief and their actual knowledge of Scripture.

NOVEMBER 20
8:10 PM

Update

• Bill Hicks is a stand-up comic. Wikipedia says his material is “steeped in dark comedy.”
• Dave Attell is a stand-up comic. Wikipedia says that “Patton Oswald and Bill Burr have hailed him as the greatest off-color comedian alive.”
• I know who Patton Oswald is.
• Now I know who Bill Burr is too.

Facts about my marriage

Jill is always talking about stuff that I know nothing about but wish I did.

Jill was the girl in high school who had seen every Saturday Night Live ever made, sewed her own jeans, and was listening to punk before anyone knew what punk was.

I feel like I’ve told Jill about every cool thing that I’ve ever done but she has barely scratched the surface with me.

I was married to Jill for almost six months before she told me that she was once a fire spinner at Burning Man, which is cooler than anything I’ve ever done in my entire life but was an afterthought for her.

There will always be a part of Jill’s life that will remain a secret to me because you can only tell your second husband so much about your previous life with your dead husband.

Jill is cooler than I will ever be, which once thrilled me but now makes me feel so fucking insecure.

NOVEMBER 20
8:56 PM

Numbers for the day

Customers: 5

Books sold: 2

Toys sold: 3

Other items sold: 0

Estimated profit: $52

Estimated profit after paying Kimberly’s salary: - $13

NOVEMBER 21
2:20 AM

Stupidest List Ever

Bank

Liquor store

Citgo

7-Eleven

ATM

NOVEMBER 23
10:30 PM

Thanksgiving Observations

1. When did canned cranberry sauce get replaced with twigs-and-berries shit?
2. Potatoes and stuffing always taste better out of a box. People are just too damn pretentious to admit it.
3. Jake prays before the meal. Earnestly. I expect him to be struck by lightning every time. I’m only a little disappointed, dear Lord, when it doesn’t happen. Amen.
4. Sophia does not pray earnestly like her husband. She might be faking it completely. I think she thinks Jake is a dick when it comes to prayer.
5. Turkey is the shit. It’s wasted on Thanksgiving. We shouldn’t save it only for meals eaten with people we don’t always like.
6. Four empty wine bottles? Plus beer bottles? Who did all the drinking?
7. How can people care so much about a football game when they hate both teams playing?
8. “We don’t hate the players. We hate the laundry,” is just the kind of stupid thing Jake likes to spout off as if he’s saying it for the first time in the history of the world when I know damn well he’s heard it a million times on TV because it’s way too clever for him to come up with on his own.
9. Jake was a lot more likeable when he was a kid.
10. Someone needed to tell Jill’s brother that working for your dad’s company does not amount to financial wizardry or entrepreneurial achievement. It’s called nepotism.
11. Apparently (or at least according to Jill) I didn’t need to be that person.
12. When your wife is pissed at you for your “rude-ass remark” to her brother who she never sees but also desperately wants to make a baby, you will have sex that night despite her anger.
13. Angry sex is not as unpleasant as you might think.

Things that Jill probably thinks I’m a dick about

Whole Foods rants

Tipping

Sneakers only

Clarence

Hatred of parades

Her brother

Not converting to Judaism (maybe)

Peter (maybe)

Jake (but maybe justifiably)

NOVEMBER 23
11:20 PM

What I don’t understand about Jake

He owns a sheet-metal fabrication business, but he definitely didn’t grow up wanting to work in sheet-metal fabrication.

He always liked Darth Vader more than Luke Skywalker, even before we knew Darth Vader would kill the Emperor and save the galaxy.

He really likes jazz.

He wears a necktie to holiday dinners even though no one is making him wear one.

I thought he was going to be a rebel.

He seems happy, but he’s a tie-wearing conservative who works in the sheet-metal fabrication industry.

The teenage version of Jake would like this version of Jake.

Addition to Dan’s Laws of the Universe

If the childhood version of yourself would hate the adulthood version of yourself, you suck at life.

NOVEMBER 24
12:05 AM

Star Wars Stuff

I tell people that I’m a Han Solo guy, but I’m actually a Luke Skywalker guy. I think Han Solo is kind of a dick.

Darth Vader killed billions of innocent people then saved his only son. This did not make him a good guy. Just a selfish practitioner of nepotism.

Chewbacca and the droids are brilliantly designed characters. They aren’t reliant on aging actors, so they can appear in Star Wars movies forever.

Luke Skywalker’s plan to rescue Han Solo from Jabba the Hutt was the most ill-conceived plan in the history of the galaxy. Get everyone captured (including yourself) so the job becomes exponentially more difficult?

NOVEMBER 24
12:20 AM

Jill’s sentences before falling to sleep

“Happy Thanksgiving, honey.”

“Sometimes it’s okay to just let things be. To keep the peace. You know?”

“Tomorrow. Okay? I ate way too much.”

“Jake seemed a little off today. Right?”

“I missed the canned cranberry sauce too. That nuts-and-raisins stuff was bullshit.”

“Good luck tomorrow.”

NOVEMBER 24
7:45 PM

Worst things about Black Friday

• Working
• Jake’s not working
• It feels like no one else is working
• Stupidest customers of the year
• Kids everywhere
• Kimberly (also every other day)
• “No, we don’t gift wrap.”
• “No, we don’t gift wrap.”
• “No, we don’t gift wrap.”
• “No, we don’t fucking gift wrap.” (in my head)
• Not thinking of offering free gift wrapping.

Best things about Black Friday

• Most money made since I bought the store
• It ended

Other worst things about Black Friday

• Sales down 30% from last year’s Black Friday
• Steve caught an old lady trying to steal half a dozen magazines and had to call the police
• I hid in the office while Steve handled the whole incident

NOVEMBER 25
11:25 PM

Revised List of Ways to Keep Jill from Getting Pregnant

1. Fake orgasms
2. Blow jobs only

Number of actual beginning-to-end blow jobs I have received in two years of marriage

0

NOVEMBER 26
9:25 AM

How I ended up at Gillette Stadium

1. Jake’s buddy Shep had an extra ticket.
2. The Patriots are “only playing Miami.” (no idea what this means)
3. Steve and Sharon agreed to cover the store.
4. Mom made it seem like a big deal to spend the day with Jake and his friends.
5. “Tony wanted nothing to do with this game.” (no idea what this means either)

Tailgate attendees

Jake

Shep

Teja brothers (2)

Eddie the Norwegian (can’t tell if he’s really from Norway or if they’re just fucking with me)

NOVEMBER 26
10:55 AM

This guy named Shep

Works for a Medicare advocacy organization

Does not strike me as the nonprofit type

Cousin-in-law of Tony (who wanted nothing to do with this game)

Drunk within an hour of arrival

Likes to verbally abuse strangers twice his size in Miami football jerseys

Makes a damn good twice-baked potato

“You don’t like football? Why are you here?”

Made a reference to Sisyphus that I think only I understood

“At least you drink beer. Can’t say the same for Matty.”

Brought salad

Doesn’t look like the salad type

“Why are you always writing shit down?”

I think he’s a libertarian socialist, which shouldn’t be a thing.

A really likeable asshole

NOVEMBER 26
11:45 AM

Why I’m always writing shit down

“I want to write a novel someday.”

“It’s all grist for the mill.”

“My memory is shit.”

Real reasons for lists

Compromise at first with therapist because journaling sucks

Finished with therapist but lists became a habit

Thinking on the page

Makes sense of things

Putting things in lists puts them out of my head and lets me sleep

Addition to Dan’s Laws of the Universe

A habit is just an obsession that pretends to be intentional and controllable.

NOVEMBER 26
4:45 PM

Things I don’t understand about football

1. “This is a meaningless game,” but everyone wants the referee to die.
2. Why does a football fan prefer to watch the game from really far away in 14-degree temperatures with no clean bathroom for miles?
3. The tailgate food is very important, very planned, and very plentiful, but it is cooked on a grill that appears to have never been cleaned and caught fire at least once over the course of the day.
4. Not “covering the spread” (whatever that means) can make an otherwise normal man punch a plastic chair at least a dozen times.
5. Football fans will drink ice-cold beer while shivering uncontrollably.
6. Why would anyone enter a coliseum filled with drunken, mentally challenged rage-monsters wearing the colors of the opponent?
7. Why would any sane parent choose to bring a child into this environment?
8. Adult men dress up in beads and face paint and Elvis costumes so they can be featured on the jumbo TV without any hope of compensation whatsoever.

NOVEMBER 26
6:05 PM

What I understand about football now

• 10 yards is really fucking important.
• Running forward for three or four yards before being tackled is shockingly satisfying to football fans even though it looks like absolutely nothing to me.
• Long underwear, jeans, snow pants, mittens, and cold hands make the act of urinating a serious commitment.
• There is a lot less kicking than you would think for a game called football.
• Women who attend football games must never pee.
• Planning a fast exit from the parking lot is almost as important as winning the game.
• Pass interference is the thing that provokes the greatest emotional response in a football fan.
• A touchdown for a team that you have never seen before and care nothing about in a sport you barely understand will still somehow cause you to want to leap into the arms of a stranger.
• I think I would go to another football game if I didn’t have to worry about frostbite.

NOVEMBER 26
7:55 PM

Places I urinated today

McDonald’s restroom on the Mass Pike

Surprisingly clean porta-john

A men’s room in Gillette Stadium

Behind a tree on the edge of the parking lot

Impossibly rancid porta-john (but also the same porta-john as earlier)

McDonald’s restroom in Milford, Massachusetts

Jake’s backyard (it was dark) (didn’t want to wake Jake Jr.)

NOVEMBER 26
10:00 PM

Phrases spoken today that seemed to carry so much meaning for Jake and his friends but meant nothing to me

“Nothing was ever as good as Jags parking.”

“Corn bread in a parking lot.”

“Whiskey and a Playboy.”

“Tom-Fucking-Swale.”

Addition to Dan’s Laws of the Universe

Just a little bit of shared language and culture can make a person feel like he’s standing far outside of a group, wishing to find a way in.

Jake

Did not adequately prepare me for the cold

Swears more at a football game than anywhere else

Tried to prevent me from sounding stupid about football

I like his friends a lot.

I can’t believe he does this all the time.

He seems so happy and relaxed. They all do. Not a worry in the world.

Compared to Jake’s friends, I have no real friends.

People I was slightly jealous of today

Tony

Questions

When did I miss out on friends like this?

Does Jake know that I don’t have any real friends? Does Mom? Is that why I was here today?

What is the thing in my life that would bring my theoretical friends together if not football?

Would friends make things easier?

NOVEMBER 27
11:15 AM

Original list of possible names for bookstore

Stuff Made Up in People’s Heads

Stuff People Made Up in Their Heads

Books

Dan’s Pipe Dream

Shut Up and Read

Only Dan’s Favorite Books (Mostly)

Jill’s Albatross

No Benefits. Just Books.

A New Chapter

Books Are Better Than Sex

NOVEMBER 28
7:00 AM

Pros of Having a Baby

1. Won’t stay a baby forever
2. Making it

Bullshit Pros of Having a Baby

1. Someone to take care of me in old age
2. Carry on the family name

Cons of Having a Baby

1. Costs a fucking fortune
2. Repeat #1 forever
3. Dealing with shit and piss that isn’t yours
4. Eats things that aren’t food
5. Breastfeeding (when do I get Jill’s boobs back?)
6. Baby boys pee on you
7. Gates and car seats and those goddamn cabinet locks
8. Restaurants ruined forever
9. They could potentially grow up to become assholes and/or freeloaders

Things I’m Willing to Do to Avoid Having a Baby

1. Hire someone to wipe my ass in old age
2. Allow the family name to disappear forever

NOVEMBER 29
10:40 AM

Reasons why I won’t convert to Judaism

1. You can’t just declare yourself Jewish. It’s “a process.”
2. Required circumcision (I’m already circumcised, but I’m standing on principle)
3. Only one fun holiday (Hanukkah)
4. Can’t decide on the spelling of their one fun holiday (Hanukkah, Chanukah, Hanukah)
5. No decorations. Seriously. NONE.
6. The food is just not as good as advertised. Noodle pudding? Gefilte fish? Matzo ball soup is a ball of matzo in chicken broth. These are not good foods.
7. No anthropomorphized and/or magical creatures
8. Yarmulkes
9. Jill didn’t ask me to convert
10. I don’t believe in God (anymore) (I think)

Addition to Dan’s Laws of the Universe

Anything that is a “process” inevitably sucks.

You can determine the objective tastiness of a food by the probability of its presence on a restaurant menu. Kugel cannot be found on your average restaurant menu, therefore it objectively sucks.

NOVEMBER 30
5:15 PM

Things I want to do before I die that can also earn me money

1. Win a sports-related bet against Jake
2. Play poker professionally
3. Perpetrate a Nigerian prince-like scam on someone (or Jake) (or Jill’s brother)

NOVEMBER 30
9:39 PM

Number of times we had sex in November:

12

Number of times I faked the orgasm:

0

Difficulty in faking an orgasm midstream (mid-stream?)

Incalculable

NOVEMBER 30
11:15 PM

Gift ideas for Mom

Number of days until Mom’s birthday

15

Importance of purchasing a thoughtful gift for Mom’s birthday

Considerable

Importance of remembering a gift for Mom’s birthday

Incalculable