FEBRUARY

 

FEBRUARY 1
7:12 AM

Finances

Savings: 4,603

Income

What I tell Jill: 2,300

Reality: 1,033

Jill: 2,900

Expenses

House: 2,206

Toyota: 276

Honda: 318

Car insurance: 175

Student loans: 395

Cable and Internet: 215

Electric: 132

Oil: 446

Phones: 180

Gas: 101

Financial Solutions

FRONT BURNER

• Bingo
• Begging billionaires
• “No Thank-You Note Required” greeting card

BACK BURNER

• Second job
• Day-trading

Bingo To-Do List

1. Identify best possible bingo locations
2. Figure out what else needs to be added to this list

Begging Billionaire To-Do List

1. Write letter
2. Find addresses
3. Send letters
4. Wait

“No Thank-You Note Required” To-Do List

1. Design a prototype
2. Find a partner maybe?
3. Tell Jill maybe?
4. Learn how to manufacture and sell shit

Why thank-you notes (in response to gifts) are stupid

1. Only uppity, pretentious assholes with enormous amounts of discretionary time value the receipt of a thank-you note.
2. Most thank-you notes contain trite, repetitive, meaningless bits of mundanity.
3. Expecting a thank-you note in exchange for your gift turns the act of giving into an asymmetrical trade: I give you a gift in exchange for a bit of card stock, an inconsequential amount of ink, an envelope, and possibly a stamp.
4. The expectation of a thank-you note turns an act of generosity into a bullshit etiquette trap.

Why my “No Thank-You Note Required” card KICKS ASS

1. Replaces a standard birthday/wedding/graduation card
2. Provides the receiver with the gift of time (the greatest gift of all)
3. Adds significant value to the actual gift
4. Saves the recipient the expense of a thank-you card
5. Reduces the amount of expected etiquette in this world
6. Angers traditionalists and uppity, pretentious assholes (always fun)

Something I Learned Today

“Mundanity” is a real word.

FEBRUARY 2
8:15 AM

DAYS WITHOUT

Chocolate glazed doughnuts	0
Gum	0
Crying	0
Little Debbie Snack Cakes	0
Green vegetables	0
Flossing	36
Retail rage	0
Regret over quitting my job	0
Dad	5,734

FEBRUARY 3
5:00 PM

A New Chapter Picks of the Month for February

The Martian by Andy Weir

The Road by Cormac McCarthy (bad choice for expecting fathers who fear the worst at all times)

The Book Thief by Markus Zusak (makes my Jewish wife happy to see it on the list)

The Count of Monte Cristo by Alexandre Dumas (Edmond Dantès was the John McClane of his day)

Silver Sparrow by Tayari Jones

What I wanted to be when I grew up

An astronaut

The very last thing I want to be as an adult

An astronaut

Reasons I hated The Martian

Mark Whatley made me feel like less of a man

Addition to Dan’s Laws of the Universe

Making an astronaut-botanist as brilliant, brave, and good-looking as Matt Damon sets unreasonable expectations for the rest of us.

FEBRUARY 4
7:45 AM

Notes regarding Bill Donovan phone call

1. Don’t remember giving him my number
2. “I’m Dan. Not Danny.”
3. A lot of coughing
4. “We got bingo on Friday.”
5. “We”?
6. Just filed his “fucking taxes.”
7. His dead wife was a florist named April.
8. Cat named Pavlov
9. “You golf?”
10. “What the fuck do you do?”
11. Doesn’t read books. “Just newspapers and billboards.”
12. Lives alone (except for cat)
13. “Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy! and all those fucking shows are for numb nuts.”
14. “So you coming?”
15. “People who show up late suck at life.”
16. “Get a fucking stamper.”

FEBRUARY 4
9:20 AM

Things I just realized about Bill’s call

1. “What the fuck do you do?” is a very good, very hard question.
2. A cat named Pavlov is funny.
3. What is a stamper?
4. Bill might be lonely.
5. Bill might know that I’m lonely.

FEBRUARY 5
2:20 AM

Questions I want to ask Jill but am afraid to ask

• Do you love me more than or less than the day we were married?
• Do you ever wish that I was your dead husband?
• How does my penis compare to Peter’s penis?
• How many times a day do you think of your dead husband?
• How often do you regret marrying me?

Dan’s Universe Law of Marriage (for Dan Only)

Life would be so much easier if I hadn’t married Jill, but life would be so much harder if I hadn’t married Jill.

FEBRUARY 5
2:55 AM

Charles Darwin’s Pros and Cons of Marriage

MARRY

Children—(if it Please God)

Constant companion, (& friend in old age) who will feel interested in one

Object to be beloved & played with

Better than a dog anyhow

Home, & someone to take care of house

Charms of music & female chit-chat

These things good for one’s health

Forced to visit & receive relations but terrible loss of time

NOT MARRY

No children, (no second life), no one to care for one in old age

Freedom to go where one liked

Choice of Society & little of it

Conversation of clever men at clubs

Not forced to visit relatives, & to bend in every trifle

Dan’s Pros and Cons of Marriage

MARRY

• Continued—albeit less than regular—sex for the duration of your life (presumably)
• A knowledgeable source more than willing to pause and explain the complex plots of television shows without judging you
• Household chores cut in half (more than half if you play your cards right)
• Guaranteed brunch companion
• Passenger to elaborate upon GPS directions while you’re driving
• Naked woman walking around the house constantly
• Permanent wedding, Valentine’s Day, and New Year’s Eve date
• No more fear of STDs (or condoms)
• Someone to whisper the names of all the people you forget as they approach

NOT MARRY

• Just one stupid calendar to worry about instead of two
• You’ll never wonder if your spouse’s unwillingness to have sex on a given night is reflective of how much she loves you at that moment
• Change bedsheets a lot less frequently
• Guilt-free Wendy’s spicy chicken sandwich for dinner any night you goddamn want it
• Hampers remain hampers and not not-so-temporary closets and bureaus
• Lights turned off in unoccupied rooms
• Avoid family gatherings by lying about “previous plans” without the fucking morality police questioning you
• Financial ruin is your own

FEBRUARY 6
7:18 AM

Why I won’t stock Etch a Sketches in the store no matter what Jill says

• The Etch a Sketch makes me feel stupid.
• The Etch a Sketch is stupid.
• Paper and pencil are better.
• Drawing a picture of a fucking rectangle isn’t supposed to be this difficult.
• The Etch a Sketch is bullshit.

FEBRUARY 6
3:22 PM

Things I am forever grateful for:

1. Growing up without the Internet
2. No more faculty meetings
3. Buffy the Vampire Slayer
4. Free refills
5. The ocean
6. Public ban on smoking
7. Vaccines
8. Bruce Springsteen
9. Little Debbie Snack Cakes
10. Peter’s infertility
11. Lack of digital photography when I was in high school

FEBRUARY 6
6:40 PM

Text messages from Bill

There is a football game on tonight. You should watch it. Expand your horizons.

You get old unless you get new.

You’re too fucking young to be so fucking old already.

Cross-stitching. And I love it.

Did you see that sack?

What’s a sack?

Fuck you.

Googled

Sack: quarterback (or another offensive player acting as a passer) is tackled behind the line of scrimmage before he can throw a forward pass

Also Googled

Line of scrimmage: the imaginary line separating the teams at the beginning of a play

FEBRUARY 7
7:18 AM

Things I Procrastinate About

Clicking on my banking app

Conversations with my wife about hampers

Starting my diet

Investing in an index fund

Redesigning the children’s section of the store

Any chore involving a phone call

FEBRUARY 7
10:20 PM

Bingo with Bill

“I told you to bring a stamper.”

Doesn’t smoke

“Never smoked. I always thought pizza and girls were better than cigarettes, so that’s where I spent my money.”

Plays nine bingo cards faster than I can play one

Asks lots of questions

“I hate these fuckers who complain about a fixed income. Lots of people are living on a fixed income. It’s called minimum fucking wage, and it’s criminal.”

Bill walks and talks like a Republican but might be a Democrat

“No offense, Danny, but you quit teaching to sell books? What the fuck were you thinking?”

“Please tell me you at least got your pension first.”

Shouts “Bingo!” like he’s annoyed about winning

“You know about Amazon. Right? You know they sell books. Right?”

“If this book thing doesn’t work, go back to teaching. Run back. Hard work is good work.”

FEBRUARY 8
11:45 AM

Rules I Try to Live By

• I need to be impressed by you before I have the desire to impress you.
• Rules without consequences are merely suggestions.
• Deadlines without consequences are just lines.
• Always balance the cost of completing something stupid with the penalty for not completing it.
• Penalties rarely have any real teeth.

FEBRUARY 8
7:30 PM

Questions I asked myself today

1. Is the tightness in my chest from stress, a heart attack, or both?
2. Am I really going to do this?
3. How can $20,000 be a fortune for one person and a drop in the bucket for another?
4. When does a fetus know that it exists?
5. Is it better to eat a 250-calorie Twix or a 345-calorie avocado?
6. Was reading bad writing really so bad?
7. Why didn’t I fight Jimbo Powers that day if I wasn’t afraid to lose?
8. How hard would it be for me to get another teaching job?
9. Each penis can’t be the same, so do women have clear and distinct memories of specific penises that they have encountered in their lives?
10. Do people who denigrate 7-Eleven hot dogs without ever trying one know that they are judgmental pricks?

FEBRUARY 8
11:05 PM

Five ways to say “movie” that say a lot about you

• Picture: Pretentious beyond measure
• Film: Marginally elitist
• Movie: Normal and decent
• Flick: Self-important and dismissive
• Motion picture: Serial killer

FEBRUARY 9
11:05 PM

Two Kinds of Teachers

Those who loved school as a child

Those who hated it

My Favorite Kind of Teacher

Those who hated it

FEBRUARY 9
11:30 PM

New things so I don’t get old

Write a screenplay

Learn to play the ukulele

Cross-stitch

Poker

Soap carving

Ventriloquism

Learn to roller-skate

FEBRUARY 9
11:50 PM

Five ways I’ll know that I’ve finally made it as a Hollywood screenwriter

1. I write a movie wherein the male lead is wearing glasses and researching something and his female romantic interest reminds him about the importance of eating.
2. I write a movie wherein the male lead has been treated for serious injuries and attempts to get out of bed in order to save the day, only to be pushed back by his female romantic interest, who reminds him that he is still recovering from that thing that would’ve killed any normal person.
3. I write a movie wherein alcoholism is a disease limited only to men and can be cured by the need to save the world.
4. I write a movie wherein mechanical failures can be instantly repaired with punches, kicks, head butts, and the pounding of wrenches to parts of the machine that have nothing to do with the failure.
5. I write a movie wherein the intelligence of law enforcement officials is inversely proportional to their rank.

Addition to Dan’s Laws of the Universe

Everyone thinks they can write a screenplay, but in truth, almost everyone is only marginally good at complaining about screenplays.

FEBRUARY 10
12:20 PM

Things Peter Would’ve Never Said

“I think I’m going to try soap carving.”

“Look at my ventriloquism dummy. Isn’t he cool?”

“I cross-stitched you a throw pillow.”

FEBRUARY 10
3:17 PM

Complaints received at the bookstore this past weekend

1. “You don’t carry enough editions of the Bible.”
2. “I can’t believe you’ve never heard of the ‘good guy discount.’”
3. “That redheaded lady is not very nice.”
4. “What the hell is wrong with having a men’s room and a women’s room?”
5. “Twenty dollars? Do you realize that I could just check this book out of the library?”
6. “This winter sucks. Snow or get off the pot. Know what I mean?”
7. “Why don’t you have a cat? Every good bookstore has a cat. You need a fucking cat.”
8. “C’mon, man. If you’re not selling coffee, you’re not even trying.”
9. “Your toilet paper sucks.”

FEBRUARY 10
4:35 PM

Text messages from Jill

I’m a good teacher. Right?

Jasper doesn’t seem to think so.

I know he is, but he’s my boss, too. His opinions matter.

Thanks, honey. Love you.

I’m a good teacher. Right?

FEBRUARY 11
6:17 PM

My teaching beliefs

1. If you haven’t given your students an authentic reason to learn, don’t even bother teaching the lesson.
2. The most effective tool for assessing student progress is absolute honesty.
3. When it comes to discipline, you must only say things that you are willing to do.
4. The first step to planning every lesson is to determine how it will be fun for students.
5. Teachers must be reading and writing on a regular basis in order to be effective teachers of reading and writing.
6. The student’s voice should be heard far more often than the teacher’s voice.
7. Teachers must think of parents as full and equal partners in the education of the child.
8. If your students are not laughing at least once every hour in your classroom, you have failed them.
9. The most important lessons taught by teachers often have little or nothing to do with academics.
10. The best administrators understand that teachers are more knowledgeable about instruction than they could ever be.
11. Time is more valuable in the classroom than anywhere else in the world. Waste not a second.
12. It is almost impossible to set expectations too high for students.
13. The single greatest assessment of a teacher’s effectiveness is their students’ desire to come to school every day.

FEBRUARY 11
6:35 PM

Truths

I could’ve been a good teacher.

I should’ve been a good teacher.

I thought teaching would be easy, and that’s why I failed.

I could still be a good teacher. Maybe.

Jill is a better teacher than I will ever be.

FEBRUARY 12
9:15 PM

Revised interview procedure (to weed out someone like Kimberly in the future)

1.  Interview the last five people who served the candidate in a restaurant. Inquire about how the candidate treated them over the course of the meal.

2.  Interview the candidate. Ask the following questions:

• Please explain the Bill of Rights to your best ability.
• Name as many Supreme Court justices as possible.
• Tell me about the last three books you read.
• Tell me about one goal or aspiration that you have yet to achieve.
• Are you a good person?

Actual interview procedure used to hire Kimberly

1. When do you want to start?

FEBRUARY 13
4:00 PM

Questions I asked myself today

Could I get a bank loan?

Would Jill need to be involved with the application for a bank loan?

Why am I so excited about the alternative to a bank loan?

FEBRUARY 13
5:05 PM

What the Road Runner cartoons taught me

• Explosives are simple to deploy, easy to target, and never result in collateral damage.
• Vengeance should always be as violent as possible.
• Gravity is a fickle mistress that will momentarily cease to function if the end result is humorous and fucks you over.
• Acme is the only company on the planet.
• Coyotes can’t be killed. Only flattened and blackened.

Addition to Dan’s Laws of the Universe

Solutions are a hell of a lot easier when you’re the only one in need of saving. Also, explosives help too.

FEBRUARY 13
9:35 PM

ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY “THOMAS COOK VACATIONS” FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS

1. “They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax.”
2. “We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish.”
3. “We booked an excursion to a water park but no one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price.”
4. “The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room.”
5. “Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers.”
6. “It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair.”
7. “I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends’ three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller.”
8. “We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning.”
9. “I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes.”

Actual complaints received THIS WEEK ONLY from dissatisfied customers

1. “I know it’s what actually happened, but it’s still weird that Anne Frank just stopped writing. Right?”
2. “I wish I could get God to sign this Bible.”
3. “The problem with long books is they take longer to read.”
4. “The Da Vinci Code should be in the T section. All books starting with the word ‘the’ should be in the T section. It only makes sense.”
5. “You need a cat. Also coffee. Also lower prices.”

FEBRUARY 13
10:55 PM

4 Rules I wish I could impose in the bookstore

1. Check your cell phone and your shoes at the door.
2. Purchase three books for every one toy purchased.
3. You drool on it, you buy it.
4. “We’ll get that one at the library” will result in immediate tasering and relinquishment of all cash.

FEBRUARY 14
8:03 AM

MY VIEW ON PETER’S FEBRUARY 14 LETTERS

30%	Want to read
30%	Don’t want to read
40%	Wish Jill had kept them a secret all along

ALSO …

100%	Wish they didn’t exist at all

ALSO …

100%	Wish they weren’t Valentine’s Day letters

FEBRUARY 14
6:20 PM

2018 Letter

Shorter than last year’s letter

Addressed to “My love”

Signed “Love always”

“I hope you’ve found love again.”

Story about their first roller-coaster ride together

Fudge ripple ice cream

“Say hello to my brother.”

“Those damn slippers…”

Rein’s Deli

“Has the world gone to hell in a handbasket yet?”

Good news

Jill didn’t cry

Didn’t say, “I’ll love you forever” for the very first time in these letters

No mention of sex or Jill’s body (like in 2014)

Only three years of letters left

Bad news

I acted like a fucking jerk when she asked me if I wanted to read it.

I corrected a dead man by saying it was “hell and a handbasket.”

I was wrong. It’s “hell in a handbasket.”

Jill probably cried later.

Next steps

Never order fudge ripple ice cream again

Avoid Rein’s Deli whenever possible

Avoid roller coasters whenever possible

Eradicate the expression “hell in a handbasket” from my vocabulary for as long as I live

FEBRUARY 15
3:22 PM

Phone calls

Substitute teachers make $72 per day

A bank loan is out of the question

Cat litter is bad for pregnant women

Enrollment is declining. Class sizes shrinking. No one had unprotected sex during the recession.

FEBRUARY 15
10:55 PM

8 things I don’t miss about teaching

1. Bullshit circle games by administrators who claim to treat teachers as professionals but then schedule teamwork activities with beach balls and candy
2. Teachers who spend more time designing bulletin boards than reading good books
3. Parents who insist that their average or above-average child is gifted
4. Teachers who believe that titles “Mr.” or “Mrs.” confer some kind of artificial authority
5. Teachers who speak to students in one voice and adults in another voice
6. Teachers who dress up for parent–teacher conferences
7. Administrators who run meetings as if their staff members are students
8. Listening to people who no longer work with kids tell us how to work with kids

FEBRUARY 15
11:20 PM

Things I said to my students that were true but questionable

“There are no stupid questions. Just stupid people who ask questions.”

“If you put things in your mouth other than food, you will have no friends.”

“I won’t punish you. I’ll just reward everyone around you for not being you.”

“Shame is an effective, long-lasting deterrent, and I will use it.”

“You’re not going to believe this: I put on two pairs of underwear today.”

Truths

I’ve accidentally worn two pairs of underwear on more days than I’ll ever admit.

I thought that accidentally wearing two pairs of underwear was funny, but I might be the only one.

After the third time, I didn’t think it was funny anymore.

FEBRUARY 16
9:36 AM

Deep Economic Thoughts of Dan

1. Private school is the ideal means of exacerbating the growing economic inequality in America while creating racial segregation and a glass floor for children who already have all of the advantages.
2. Therapy is a treatment that is both affordable and accessible to white people with health insurance, two-car garages, and time enough to worry about their problems.
3. Shops that close at 5:00 on a weekday are perfectly designed for intentionally unemployed women.
4. Serving on charitable boards is not the same as having a job that requires you to work every day in order to eat.

Additions to Dan’s Laws of the Universe

It’s so easy to despise the wealthy (or wealthier) when you are running out of money.

When you can send your kids off to private school and send yourself to therapy twice a week, you should be able to handle a little hatred from those less fortunate.

FEBRUARY 17
5:20 PM

Notes from VFW #2 (VFW Post 7788, Milford)

1.  2 doors—front and back. Unlocked. Maybe a kitchen door?

2.  80+ players

a.  All men.

b.  Table of serious-looking 40-year-old guys in back corner

c.  About one-third are disabled with canes or wheelchairs.

d.  So many cigars

3.  $75 buy-in—all cash—$6K total pot

4.  All cash collected at the door. Lockbox.

5.  Highway on-ramp less than a quarter mile away

Thoughts:

1. I could’ve grabbed that lockbox and run. So damn close to the exit.
2. Less than half the cash of the South Street VFW, but so much easier. Risk/reward calculations are hard.
3. Why do these guys play bingo in silence? No one talks to one another.
4. I still need a bingo stamper.
5. I miss Bill.

Unsolved problems

1. Getaway vehicle?
2. Gun?
3. Alibi?

Truths

1. I’m terrified.
2. I feel so fucking alive.
3. I haven’t felt in such control of my life in a long, long time.
4. I’m not sure if I’m brave enough to pull this off.
5. I’m having so much fun planning this.
6. A lockbox is a stupid and pointless thing if it can be picked up and carried away.
7. A “getaway car” is also a “get there” car.
8. Why is this so fun?

FEBRUARY 18
9:49 AM

Revised List of Fears

Good afraids

Sharks

Botulism (dented cans)

Losing Jill

Losing the store

Losing the house

Prison

Erectile dysfunction

Death

Drunk drivers

Hypodermic needles

Dad walking into bookstore unannounced

Butt crack sweat on my pants

Icicles

Bad afraids

Taking huge risks

Tasting new foods

Asking girls on dates in high school

Driving into New York City

Asteroids (not the video game)

Sinkholes

Asparagus pee

Airplanes

Verbal confrontations

Public speaking

Only times I’m afraid of airplanes

1. When I’m flying in an airplane
2. When an airplane is flying over me

Most underestimated danger in the world

A plane falling out of the sky and landing on your head

Worst parts about my airplane fear

1. It’s the height of narcissism to think that the exceptionally rare plane crash will someday happen to me.
2. It’s hard to cry on a plane without being noticed.

FEBRUARY 19
9:49 AM

Text messages from Jill

Jasper is a dick.

He’s making my days sad.

I know. But you don’t know what it’s like anymore.

He has favorites, too. Single women. Young.

Pauline. Maybe Amy.

I’m just going to keep my head down and hope he gets fired or promoted soon.

FEBRUARY 19
9:56 AM

Husband problems

I can’t punch Jill’s boss in the face.

I can’t force her boss to treat her better.

I feel like a little boy when I ask if she wants to have sex.

I don’t understand how to handle her pregnant body.

Jasper (Jill’s principal and my former principal)

Liar

Narcissist

Tiny waist

Steely Dan fan

Enormous, fragile ego (worst combination ever)

Three ferrets

Constantly quotes self-help books

Threatened by the success of his teachers

Also has a pregnant wife

Only eats “good barbecue”

Loves to talk about “good barbecue”

Probably thought that professional wrestling was real as a kid

Constant, lewd comments to women, including Jill

Coffee breath

Can’t swim

Plays squash

Needy as fuck

PhD who insists upon being called “Dr.”

Question

I couldn’t fight Jimbo Powers. Why do I think I could fight Jasper Berceuse?

Possible addition to Dan’s Laws of the Universe

No one really changes. Assholes are always assholes. Angels are always angels. You are the person you’ve always been. Some people just learn to hide their ugly parts.

More questions

Is that true? I think it’s true.

If it’s true, what does it say about me?

Do people think about shit like this as much as I do?

Does writing all this stuff down make it more real for me?

More painful?

More in need of answers?

Should I stop these lists for my own sanity?

Could I stop these lists and remain sane?

Why does everyone like Friends so goddamn much?

FEBRUARY 19
10:55 AM

The worst people in the world

Serial killers

North Korean supreme leaders

Drivers who obey the NO TURN ON RED sign when no car is coming for miles

Librarians who think they own the books

Westboro Baptist Church

Ferret owners

Hecklers

Facebook comment-baiters

People who prolong meetings with stupid questions or questions pertaining only to them

Line cutters

People who play Monopoly using bullshit “house rules”

Large, fragile egos

Drivers who purposely take up two parking spaces

People who don’t ever read

Confident idiots

Steely Dan fans

Four stupidest things that principals do

1. Park in PRINCIPAL’S PARKING spot
2. Not ending meetings early
3. Speaking more than listening
4. Complaining about the amount of time required to handle a problem or crisis

Three investments that school districts should make to improve learning

1. Hire or train staff who can teach teachers in engaging, informative ways
2. Tear down every fucking bulletin board and tell teachers to spend their time reading good books and planning lessons that make kids laugh instead
3. Eliminate all administrative positions between principal and superintendent

Why ferrets are stupid pets

1. They smell
2. They poop at least 10 times a day with the consistency of brown toothpaste
3. They are uncivilized, vicious little fuckers
4. They are almost impossible to walk
5. You look like a jackass while trying to walk them
6. They’re a stupid, disgusting form of a cat, so just get a cat
7. They are vehicles for attention-seeking pet owners
8. College girls think they’re cute for about six minutes, then you have to spend two months finding someone stupid enough to take them off your hands

FEBRUARY 20
7:45 PM

Things I learned in birthing class

No Wi-Fi in the birthing center

Bring food (this could take a while)

Vaginal birth is horrific

Stay above the equator at all times

The birthing center validates parking

Sex can stimulate labor

Don’t Google image search anything related to childbirth

Don’t go to the hospital too early or you will be sent home

Women who have babies in the back of taxis make this all seem a lot easier

We have 24 hours after the water breaks to deliver the baby

A woman’s sense of self-worth seems oddly and inexorably connected to her use of pain medication during the birth of her child

New Questions

1. How can we have sex if there is a sack of water waiting to be broken in the vagina?
2. Is an episiotomy what I think it is?
3. If an episiotomy is what I think it is, how the hell did it get its name?
4. What percentage of fathers hate their children (even a tiny bit) for what they did to their wives’ vaginas while being born?
5. Is it a terrible idea to Google “episiotomy”?

FEBRUARY 21
6:15 AM

Ben Franklin’s List of Virtues

1. TEMPERANCE. Eat not to dullness; drink not to elevation.
2. SILENCE. Speak not but what may benefit others or yourself; avoid trifling conversation.
3. ORDER. Let all your things have their places; let each part of your business have its time.
4. RESOLUTION. Resolve to perform what you ought; perform without fail what you resolve.
5. FRUGALITY. Make no expense but to do good to others or yourself; i.e., waste nothing.
6. INDUSTRY. Lose no time; be always employ’d in something useful; cut off all unnecessary actions.
7. SINCERITY. Use no hurtful deceit; think innocently and justly, and, if you speak, speak accordingly.
8. JUSTICE. Wrong none by doing injuries, or omitting the benefits that are your duty.
9. MODERATION. Avoid extremes; forbear resenting injuries so much as you think they deserve.
10. CLEANLINESS. Tolerate no uncleanliness in body, cloaths, or habitation.
11. TRANQUILLITY. Be not disturbed at trifles, or at accidents common or unavoidable.
12. CHASTITY. Rarely use venery but for health or offspring, never to dullness, weakness, or the injury of your own or another’s peace or reputation.
13. HUMILITY. Imitate Jesus and Socrates.

Franklin’s virtues I espouse

ORDER. Let all your things have their places; let each part of your business have its time.

Note: Hampers are not a place for clothing.

CLEANLINESS. Tolerate no uncleanliness in body, cloaths, or habitation.

Note: Hampers of clean clothing makes my habitation unclean.

Franklin’s virtues I desperately need

RESOLUTION. Resolve to perform what you ought; perform without fail what you resolve.

TEMPERANCE. Eat not to dullness; drink not to elevation.

Note: In fairness, stress-eating isn’t the same as eating to dullness (whatever the fuck “eating to dullness” means)

Proof that Franklin had a giant stick up his ass

1. He wrote this list at age 20.
2. He tried to “live without committing any fault at any time.”
3. He focused on one virtue each week and kept notes on his progress.

Truth (seriously)

Writing lists is kind of the same as focusing on a virtue a week and keeping notes on progress (in that it might be obsessive and possibly crazy)

FEBRUARY 22
12:00 PM

Advantages of A BIKE!

1. Car can stay behind to provide alibi
2. Not restricted to streets
3. Easy to dump
4. Can be purchased cheaply with cash

Disadvantages

1. Not nearly as fast
2. I don’t ride very well

New questions

1. Where could I leave my car to establish an alibi?
2. Can I ride a bike at night?
3. Could I carry the money while riding the bike?
4. Is it true that once you know how to ride a bike, you can always ride a bike? Even after 15 years?

FEBRUARY 23
4:30 PM

Letters sent today

Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation

440 5th Ave N.

Seattle, WA 98109

Warren Buffet

3555 Farnam St.

Omaha, NE 68131

Mark Cuban

5424 Deloache Ave.

Dallas, TX 75220

Jeff Bezos

Evergreen Point Road

Medina, WA 98039

Reasons given for donation

1. Teacher and bookshop owner
2. Pregnant wife
3. Literal drop in the bucket for them
4. Enormous self-satisfaction
5. Visible beneficiary
6. Eternal gratitude
7. 25% discount for life at A New Chapter (meant for a laugh)

Important note on language

“Bookshop” = quaint, privately owned

“Bookstore” = corporate, soulless

FEBRUARY 24
7:05 PM

Things Jill thinks but doesn’t say

1. Why can’t Dan fix the garage door? Or replace a flat tire? Or hang a picture frame?
2. He still can’t load a dishwasher correctly. Unbelievable.
3. His mother is a pain in the ass.
4. I wish my husband had a hobby.
5. A hamper makes a perfect bureau.
6. Why can’t he just masturbate tonight?
7. Peter was better-looking.

FEBRUARY 25
4:45 AM

Places to purchase a bike

Trek Bicycle

Craigslist

Tag sale

Dick’s Sporting Goods

Play It Again

FEBRUARY 27
4:45 AM

Favorite sentences

• “But what is happiness? It’s a moment before you need more happiness.”—Don Draper
• “In a world where superheroes, and more importantly super-villains, exist, being a glazier must be a great job.”—Michael Maloney
• “He was the fourth of three children.”—Daniel Mayrock
• “The saddest of all the ribbons is the white ribbon.”
  —Unknown
• “None of us marry perfection; we marry potential.”
  —Elder Robert D. Hales

FEBRUARY 27
8:20 AM

Shopping List

Always goddamn dog food

Raspberries

Toilet paper

Bingo stamper

Goldfish

Diet Coke

Little Debbie Snack Cakes

Kettle ball still

Powerball tickets

FEBRUARY 27
8:45 AM

Why raspberries are a bullshit food

• They last for about 14 minutes before devolving into mush
• Less than two dozen berries in a package
• Only fruit that needs to sit on a diaper
• The silent p makes them impossible to spell

FEBRUARY 27
8:55 AM

Products that I’d better get the brand right when shopping or Jill will kill me

• Toilet paper
• Shampoo
• Bar soap
• Laundry soap
• Tissues
• Milk

** Basically milk plus anything that touches her body

FEBRUARY 27
9:23 AM

Deep thoughts related to food

1. There is no way that anyone can taste the difference between 1% and 2% milk.
2. Little Debbie Snack Cakes last at least 500 raspberry lifetimes, and that’s a good thing.
3. Everyone complains about preservatives and processed food until the apocalypse, and then they’ll all be on their knees thanking the food industry for canned creamed corn and Twizzlers.
4. I don’t believe any human being has ever purchased a can of creamed corn.
5. If you’re going to more than one grocery store in a week, you have too much time on your hands and have somehow elevated the quality of your heirloom tomatoes over time spent with your family.

FEBRUARY 27
1:10 PM

Three hours with Bill Donovan

• I’m apparently going to be “Danny.” I’m afraid to correct him.
• It oddly doesn’t bother me.
• Same clothes as last time. Exactly same clothing. Tweed pants. Blue button-down. Brown loafers.
• “Bingo is bullshit. A lot of shit is bullshit.”
• Angry, but not nearly as angry as he’s trying to be. Funny. I think he might be funny.
• “I like bingo because it’s mindless. Sometimes you just don’t want to think about the things you’ve done.”
• I think Bill played bingo for the same reason people are still watching Friends.
• Still coughing
• Thinks that people who eat lobster are “fucking morons”
• His father died of cancer. “It started in his gut and ate right through him.”
• “No, she didn’t die of fucking cancer.”
• “Don’t apologize. I’m the asshole. Not you.”
• My father is was the only other person who calls me Danny.
• “The problem with bingo is that the waiting to win is better than winning. I sit here, hoping I win, but it’s the hope I want. Not the money. You know what I mean?”
• Don Draper and Bill have the same definition of happiness.
• “Who chooses whiskey over beer? Guys who drink the hard stuff don’t like themselves. They’re either trying to be something they’re not or running from something they don’t want to be.”
• His wife was murdered in a carjacking gone wrong. Shot three times. Just said it plain as day after getting another beer. Fuck.
• “After Vietnam, I never thought I’d want to die. But I wish I had died first. April could’ve had a life after me. I’m not a second act kind of guy. I’m still stuck in my first act.”
• Bill is exactly my father’s age.
• “When your wife dies, people look at the space where she used to be instead of at you.”
• “Fuck me. Bingo!”

FEBRUARY 28
6:30 AM

Greatest Hits

Spring 1992: Caught my one and only fly ball in a Little League baseball game

Summer 1996: Walked the beach with Melissa Zarizny. She definitely liked me. I definitely fucked it up.

Spring 1997: Track and field district championships: fourth place in the pole vault

Summer 1997: Lost my virginity to Kami Norris in New Hampshire in the Bat Cave (her closet/bedroom)

Summer 1997: Completed Dragon’s Lair at the Half Moon Arcade in Weirs Beach, New Hampshire

July 4, 1998: Beat Jake in arm wrestling at the family picnic at Candlewood Lake

August 1998: Sex with Jenny on 18th green at Quarry Ridge

May 1999: Full scholarship to University of Connecticut

April 2001: Second place, student council presidential election, University of Connecticut

October 2002: Op-ed in Hartford Courant on the truth about the 98.6 degree “normal” temperature

June 2006: Hired by West Hartford Public Schools

September 2006: Made Jill laugh in a faculty meeting

July 4, 2009: Jill says yes to my proposal

July 1, 2013: Open the bookstore

Thoughts on Greatest Hits

• Quite a few of my greatest hits involved women and sports, even though the two things I have never excelled at are women and sports.
• Why didn’t I write another op-ed after “98.6 degrees is fiction, just like carrots are good for the eyes”?
• My mother’s most common question in 2002 was: “When are you going to write another thing for the paper?”
• There’s been nothing close to a greatest hit since I opened the store.
• Listing my greatest hits did not make me feel as good as I had hoped.

FEBRUARY 28
8:14 AM

Addendum to Thoughts on Greatest Hits

• It only took me 14 years to ask myself the same question my mother was asking me in 2002.

FEBRUARY 28
8:30 AM

Addendum to the Addendum on Thoughts on Greatest Hits

• I hate when my mother is right. Even more than a decade later.