The moment I walked into my house, I cried.
I leaned against the front door and just let it all out—all of the tears that I’d been holding since Jax had left me sitting in that gym. It had been hard not to let anyone see what I was feeling, but I’d kept it all in through my last two classes. And then after school, I’d dashed out of that place, not even stopping by my locker to connect with my crew. I couldn’t let them see me like this. One look and my girls would know something was up. Even though Aaliyah always gave me grief, she would have been the first to notice, the first to care, the first to get the truth out of me. I was too embarrassed to let them know what I’d done. And even more embarrassed to let them know that Jax had just basically kicked me to the curb.
I was so glad to be home, where I could cry in peace. Where no one would see me. No one would hear me. I wished so badly that I could tell someone about this—but I never could. And just the thought of having to handle this all alone made me hurt even more.
“Diamond?”
I was shocked to hear her voice. Carmen was always off on Fridays. Why did she have to be here today?“Diamond?”
And then I saw her. It wasn’t Carmen. It was my mother.
I tried to wipe my tears away, but I wasn’t fast enough. And I wasn’t strong enough. I was still crying when she rushed down the hall to me.
“What’s wrong, sweetheart?”
Her look of horror was worse than any mother-eye that she’d ever given me. There was no suspicion or mistrust on her face. All I could see was her love, and that made me cry more.
She wrapped her arms around me. “Diamond, please, tell me what’s wrong?”
With everything inside of me, I wanted to tell her all about Jax—what we’d done, what he’d done. But I couldn’t. The judge would kill me, and as bad as I felt, I wasn’t ready to die.
The moment my mother let go of me, I dropped my bag and ran up the stairs. Inside my bedroom, I slammed the door and crashed onto my bed.
But it wasn’t like that was enough to stop the judge. She was right behind me.
I buried my face in my pillows, but my mother wasn’t having it. She pulled me into her arms. “Tell me what’s wrong.”
All I could do was cry.
She just held me. And I just cried, until she asked, “Is this about the Divine Divas?”
That seemed as good an excuse as anything. So I nodded.
“Sweetheart, I know you’re upset about that, but your father and I were going to talk to you tonight.”
I sobbed some more.
She said, “There’s no reason to cry.” She used the tips of her fingers to wipe the tears from my face. “Your father and I talked. And we talked to Pastor Ford. Although we’re still very much upset with what you did, I guess we’ve been able to calm down a little. And we think you’re on your way to learning your lesson.”
Learning my lesson? My mother had no idea!
“Sweetheart, listen to me. We’re letting you continue with the group. You can be a part of the Divine Divas.”
“Really?” I sniffed.
“Yes. You worked hard with the divas. All of you girls have. So we’re letting up on that part of your punishment. I’m still holding off on the dance team. I think doing all of that was too much for you.”
“It was.”
My mother gave me a tiny smile. “Diamond Winters, are you agreeing with me?”
I nodded. “Thank you for letting me be part of the Divine Divas again.”
Her arms were still around me when she said, “You’re welcome. Now, we’re still going to hold your phone and hold off on your other privileges for a couple of more weeks.”
“That’s okay.” My voice still quivered a little.
“That’s okay? Wow, I guess you are growing up.”
“I’m trying to, Mommy. I really am.”
“I know you are, sweetheart. The thing is, we want to be able to trust you, Diamond. When your father and I are not around, we have to know that you’ll do the right thing. You understand that, don’t you?”
She was making this so hard for me—my guilt was just growing, because if she ever found out what I’d done with Jax, my mother would never trust me again. But I nodded anyway. “Yes, Mommy.”
Her lecture continued, “There are always consequences for sneaking and lying and cheating, Diamond. There’s always a price to pay.”
She had no idea how much I was really suffering from the consequences. I wanted her to stop talking, but I didn’t want her to stop holding me. So I just laid my head on her shoulder and listened.
She said, “We’re giving you another chance, but people don’t always get a second chance. Remember that, sweetheart.”
I was getting a second chance with the Divine Divas; I was really happy about that. But I’d never get another chance to be a virgin. I don’t know why, but suddenly that seemed real important. Seemed like something special was gone from me forever. Made me want to start crying all over again.
My mother let me stay with my head resting on her, and I wished that I could stay right there forever. When my mother asked, “Are you feeling better?” I almost wanted to tell her no just so she’d keep holding me.
“Yes.” I hugged her. “Thanks, Mommy. Thank you for giving me another chance. I promise, I’m going to be perfect from now on.”
My mother laughed just a little. “We don’t want you to be perfect, dear. No one is perfect. We just want you to try your best. And to understand integrity. Your word is so important; what you say and what you do is who you are. And your father and I want you to be the best that you can be.”
“Trying is all we ask. You’re going to make mistakes; we all do, but just be honest. If you tell the truth, I think you’ll be surprised the way things will work out for you.” My mother looked me in my eyes. “Telling the truth isn’t always easy, but I want you to know there will never be anything that you tell me that will make me stop loving you. You are my daughter, my Diamond. I gave you that name because you are so precious to me. And I will love you always. Okay.”
I nodded.
My mother kissed my forehead and walked to the door. But suddenly, she turned around. Gave me that look again, that mother-eye that let me know she knew something. “Are you sure everything is all right, sweetheart?”
Inside, I screamed no over and over. I wanted so bad to tell her that my head hurt and my heart hurt and that Jax had made it all hurt. But I was too scared. She said she would always love me, but she didn’t know what I’d done. Having sex with Jax might be the one thing that could make her not love me anymore.
“I’m okay, Mommy.” And then I tried to smile so that she would believe me.
The way she still stared let me know that there was more on her mind. “Just remember,” she said. “You can talk to me about anything.”
I felt like I was going to burst inside. “Everything is all right, Mommy.”
For the first time since I came home, my mother really smiled. I felt bad, but at least my lie helped my mother feel good. I’d done the right thing.
“Your father will be home late tonight, so I thought we’d just order in a pizza. What do you think?”
“Okay.”
“With pineapple?”
Now I knew this was all about my mother making me feel better. She would never eat pineapples on her pizza.
“I love you, sweetheart,” she said before she walked into the hallway. As soon as she left me, the ache in my heart got worse.
I lay down on my bed, closed my eyes, and cried some more. How was I supposed to handle this all by myself?
I had never felt so alone. All alone.
I was still crying, even though I tried to keep it quiet. I didn’t want my mother to hear me, because then she would know that I wasn’t crying about the Divine Divas. But every time I tried to stop, I’d think about Jax. I’d think about what we’d done. And then I’d think about all of the horrible stuff he’d said.
I couldn’t take it anymore.
I jumped up. “Mommy!”
She rushed from her office, two rooms away from my bedroom. “What’s wrong, sweetheart?”
My plan had been to tell her, but now when I looked at her, I didn’t have the right words. I was scared. She wouldn’t love me anymore. There was no way she could after what I’d done.
I cried and she took my hand. I followed her into her bedroom and sat next to her on my parents’ king-sized bed. She held me some more, and I wondered how many tears God put inside of you. At this rate, I might cry all night.
“Mommy, I have something to tell you.”
“Okay.”
I opened my mouth, but no words would come out.
“Diamond, you can tell me anything. I told you that.”
“But suppose—”
She didn’t let me finish. “Suppose nothing.” Then she made it easier for me. She leaned back against the huge pillows on her bed, and she laid my head on her chest. “When you’re ready, just begin,” she said.
I don’t know if it took me seconds or minutes. But I took a deep breath. “Mommy, when Jax and I went out … he took me to a hotel….”
I wanted to stop right there, but my mother held me tighter and I kept going.
“And then … we had … sex.” I held my breath, closed my eyes tight, and waited for her to freak out. I waited for her to throw me off the bed and demand that I go to my room forever.
But she didn’t push me away. Or yell at me. All she did was hold me tighter. I wondered if she’d even heard me. But there was no way I was going to repeat what I’d just said.
I said, “Mom, I only did it because I really thought that he loved me.”
“I know, sweetheart.”
It was the way she said it—like she still loved me—that made me keep talking. I told her everything—how Jax had called me every night, how he’d said such wonderful things, how he’d convinced me to go to the hotel, and finally, what he’d told me today.
“He acted like he didn’t even know me, Mommy. Why did he do that?” Just the thought of that made me want to cry all over again, but I was too tired to do that anymore.
“I don’t know, baby.”
“He was so mean, and now I know that he didn’t care about me at all. He just wanted to have sex.”
“Sometimes it seems like sex is the only thing on young people’s minds.”
“It wasn’t on my mind, Mom. I really wanted to stay a virgin. But after Jax started talking to me, it didn’t seem like being a virgin was so important anymore. Especially since I thought that maybe one day I would marry Jax.”
Now that I said that out loud, it really sounded dumb. “I guess you think that was pretty stupid.”
“No, sweetheart.” She hugged me tighter. “That wasn’t stupid. It was the way you felt. The way Jax made you feel.”
I couldn’t believe I was sitting on the bed with my mother talking like this. She’d punished me for things like talking on the phone for too long or too late. Or for getting an attitude with her when she asked me to do something. Or for many other things—nothing that was nearly as big as what I’d just told her.
But this time, it didn’t seem like she was mad at me at all. She just held me and talked to me. I knew the punishment could still be coming, but that didn’t matter right now. All I wanted to do was to stay like this, right here with my mother.
I just kept on talking. “When I met Jax, I thought he was really cool, really nice. But he fooled me. He’s a jerk. I don’t think there’s a worse person on the earth than him.”
“Well, I don’t know Jax, but even with all of this, I can’t say that he’s a bad person.”
That surprised me. I thought my mother would be ready to hit the streets looking for Jax. Ready to have him thrown in jail or something. “I thought you’d be mad at him. I thought you’d be mad at me.”
“I’m not mad. I’m upset. I’m disappointed. And I’m worried about you.” She sighed as if there was a lot on her mind, “I’m so sorry, baby.”
That made me sit up and look right at her. “You’re sorry? Mom, I’m sorry. I know I disappointed you, and I never wanted to do that.”
“I know you didn’t, but I let you down, too.” My mother looked at me as if this was the first time she was seeing me. And her eyes were wet, like now she wanted to cry. “I let you down because you and I should have talked about this a long time ago.”
“But how could we? You didn’t know this was going to happen. You didn’t know Jax was going to do this.”
“Yes, I did, sweetheart. You’ve never been my age, but I’ve been yours. I know the things that teenagers go through. I didn’t know it would be Jax, and I didn’t know that it would happen now. But I knew that sooner or later some boy would step to you this way. It’s just the way the world is, and I should have prepared you.”
Now I really felt awful. This was my fault, but what I’d done had my mother feeling bad. “Mommy, this wasn’t you. I knew I shouldn’t have done it. I know what you and Daddy and Pastor Ford have been telling me. Even Vee tried to tell me—”
“You talked to Veronique about this?”
“Uh-huh. I told her what Jax wanted me to do and she told me not to do it.”
My mother sounded really sad when she said, “I wish you had come to me.”
I didn’t know what to say until she hugged me again. “I’ll come to you next time. I promise, Mommy.”
“I hope so, sweetheart. I want you to feel like you can talk to me about anything.”
“I’m just always so worried about getting in trouble.”
“Well, maybe your dad and I need to do something about that. You’re a young woman now, and we have to find a way to make sure that you can come to us no matter what. Maybe we need to look at some of the rules around here, if that will help.”
Was my mother kidding me? I’d just told her that I’d had sex with a boy who’d kicked me to the curb and she was talking about listening to me. If I believed in aliens, I would have sworn that one had come and taken my real mother away
“Now, I’m not saying we’re changing anything yet,” my mother said. “And the rest of your punishment still stands. But we’ll talk. Your father, you, and I will sit down. And we’ll talk.”
I was feeling so bad about Jax, but so good about my mother. If I had known she was going to act like this, I would have talked to her a long time ago. And then maybe this whole thing with Jax wouldn’t have happened.
“Thank you, Mom. Thank you for not being mad.”
“This is not something for me to be mad about. I’m sad that you didn’t come to me before, but I’m so glad that you came to me now.”
“So am I.”
“Are you all right?”
I shrugged. “I still feel bad. Really, really bad. And I feel guilty. And a little stupid.”
“You’re not stupid. You know that, right?”
“I guess. But why did I do that with Jax?”
“You trusted him. But what I want is for you to learn to trust yourself. Never let anyone talk you into something that you really don’t want to do.”
“I want to learn how to do that.”
“Well then, we’ll just have to talk more often. You and I. On the regular.”
I grinned. There my mom went again. Trying to sound hip. But this time, she didn’t sound so old.
My mom said, “We’ll work out something. Put it on our calendars. Maybe once a week. Go shopping, go to the movies. But the most important thing is we’ll talk. Just you and me.”
“That would be great, Mom.” I hugged her. “You’re the absolute best.”
“I am, huh? Well, go change your clothes. I was going to order a pizza, but I think we need to go out.”
I jumped from the bed. “Mom, can we? That would be awesome. I’ve been stuck in this house like …” I stopped. My mother was being nice, but I didn’t want to push it too much. I asked, “Can we go to Friday’s?”
My mother rolled her eyes, but this time I knew she was just kidding. “Don’t you know there are other restaurants besides Friday’s? Okay,” she said, as if she was giving in. But I knew she was fine with going there.
“I’ll be ready in five minutes,” I said.
Before I left her bedroom, my mother’s serious voice came back. “There is one thing, Diamond. I’m going to make an appointment for you to see a doctor.”
I frowned. “Why?”
“I just want to make sure that you’re okay.”
I’m sure you are. But I’m your mother. And I want it verified for myself,“okay?”
My mother had almost made me feel good about everything that had happened. If this would make her happy, then I would just do it. “Okay.”
“And anyway,” she said, “I’m the judge. And the judge has spoken.”
The way my mother said that and the way she smiled, I wondered if she knew that was my nickname for her. But today, she wasn’t close to being the judge.