Martha Lynch smiled sweetly at the hospital orderly who jumped to open the door for her. She swept through the hospital beds in the open ward and made her way straight to the partitioned area reserved for officers. She found Thad sitting in a chair by the window, his arm still in a sling to keep strain off of his shoulder. At the sound of her footsteps, he turned and, seeing her, his face broke out in a broad smile. He started to get to his feet but she stopped him with a motion of her hand.
“Please, Lieutenant, don’t get up.” She seated herself on the side of his bed. “And how’s our patient today?”
“Fine, really. The wound’s still tender and I can’t move my arm much, but I’m really all right.” He could feel the sunshine of her smile washing over his face. He couldn’t help it, she would always make him blush. “I watched you walking across the parade ground. I was hoping you were coming to see me.” His blush deepened and he immediately regretted saying it.
She pretended not to notice his embarrassment. “Well, I’m glad you’re feeling better. I talked to the doctor and he gave me permission to take you out of here for a while to get a little fresh air.” Seeing the obvious excitement he was unable to disguise, she hastened to add, “Now, I don’t want to rush you to do anything you don’t feel up to.”
“Oh, no,” he blurted. “I’m up to it. I must confess, I’m probably well enough to return to duty. And I would have, only I didn’t want to miss your visits.” Damn, he thought, I did it again. Every time I open my mouth, I blurt out something totally childish. She’s bound to think I’m a bona fide ninny.
If she thought him too bold, she did not show it. In truth, it pleased her to see the confusion she caused him. “Good,” she said. “The doctor said it would do you good to get outside. I’ll be back to pick you up in about an hour. Robert has arranged to have a buckboard hitched up for us.” She caught his look of concern. “Don’t worry, I know how to drive a horse.” She got to her feet and placed a hand gently on his shoulder. “In about an hour.”
Thad sprang to his feet. “I’ll be ready,” he said and stood at the partition and watched her as she swept back through the ward. He was aware of an increased beating of his heart with the exciting thought of an afternoon alone with her. What he had told her, that he was deliberately malingering in order to spend time with her, was totally true. His troop, along with H and D Troops, had pulled out the day before, heading back to Fort Fetterman. The surgeon could have released him from the infirmary and returned him to duty. Thad was well aware that he could thank Robert for that. He was well enough to ride but he knew that there would be little chance of seeing Martha again once he left Laramie. There had been really nothing between them, but already the thought of not seeing her again was distressing to the point of misery. He almost wished she had not come to Laramie to visit her sister. At least before she came, he was unaware of his loneliness. Damn this miserable country, he complained. Why did I ever leave Virginia?
* * *
It was actually closer to two hours before Martha drove the buckboard up to the infirmary door. She could not afford to appear to be overly anxious so she was deliberately late. It served her purpose nicely for Thad was eaten up with anticipation before she finally arrived. She smiled warmly at him while he climbed aboard and she offered no excuse for her lateness. “I brought some fresh bread Florence just baked this morning. If we get hungry we can have that with some cheese I bought at the sutler’s store.”
It was a lazy, sunny afternoon and they drove over toward the river. Martha had no trouble handling the horse, a fact that surprised Thad. He had thought her too delicate to control a cantankerous army mount. After a pleasant ride of about three quarters of an hour’s time, she stopped the horse under a large oak that hung like an umbrella over a small stream. The stream ran down to the river below them. It was close enough to the fort to see the activity but far enough away that the sound was no more than a gentle murmur in the background.
“Robert said you will probably have orders to return to duty tomorrow,” she stated as she spread a blanket and took some bread from a basket behind the seat.
“Oh?” he asked. “I hadn’t heard.” The news brought a sinking feeling in his heart.
She looked up. “Oh, I’m sorry. I just assumed you knew.” She smiled. “I guess that’s an advantage of living with the post adjutant.”
“No matter,” he said, the disappointment evident in his face. “I figured Robert couldn’t keep me here for much longer.”
“He tried to get you transferred back to Laramie but Colonel Fleming didn’t want to release you from Fort Fetterman. He must count you as a valuable asset.”
Thad smiled. “I think he just doesn’t have a replacement for me.” He took the bread she offered. “I do appreciate the extra time Robert managed to get for me. I thank him for that.”
“I thank him for that too.” She smiled up at him with a mischievous twinkle in her eye. “After all, I’m the one who suggested it.” She saw him flush but before he could stammer a response, she continued, “Actually, I have two people to thank for keeping you here, Robert and Mr. Jason Coles.”
This surprised him. “Jason? Why Jason?”
Now it was her turn to blush. “Before you went out after those hostiles, I made him promise to look after you and bring you back safely.”
“You did?” He was almost speechless. Could he believe what he was hearing? At this moment, he dearly hoped that her words were not merely harmless flirtation. A feeling of panic was building up inside him. He did not want to misinterpret her actions but he wanted desperately for her to feel for him the same way he ached for her. There is no time . . . a voice deep within him shouted although the only sound heard was a gentle rustle of the wind in the oak leaves and the busy hustle of the stream. He would be receiving orders the next day. He might not see her again. He must speak now or remain silent forever. “I would have come back to see you no matter what. Nothing could have kept me away.” Having said it, it seemed his words were hanging in the air between them, raw and naked, revealing his innermost soul.
The look in her eyes told him that he had nothing to fear. She took his hand in hers and whispered, “I think I’ve become too fond of you, Lieutenant Anderson. Maybe that’s not a wise thing for me to do.”
The panic returned. “Why?” he blurted. “I mean surely you know by now how deeply I care for you.”
“And I for you,” she quickly returned. “But I may never see you again. What kind of future can there be for us? . . . You out here in this wilderness . . . me back in St. Louis.” She shook her head sadly. “It just wouldn’t work.”
He felt he had come too close to lose her now. “It could work. We could find a way. If you could live out here, like your sister . . . she doesn’t find it so bad to be an officer’s wife. Maybe it wouldn’t have to be for long. My enlistment is up in two years. Maybe we could get transferred back east.”
“Thad, are you asking me to marry you?”
“What? . . . Why yes, I guess I am . . . Will you?”
“Oh, Thad, don’t ask me to answer that. I do love you but I don’t know what to do.” She read the disappointment in his eyes and she moved close to him to comfort him. “You’re such a little boy,” she cooed. “Who could help but love you?”
Their lips met briefly, then again cautiously before the fire of passion ignited in both hearts at the same time and she pressed herself hard against him. They paused for a moment when she pressed too hard against his wounded shoulder. She shifted around and they came together again. The kiss was long and warm and he was almost consumed by his desire for her. He pulled her tightly against him with his one good arm until she had to push away in order to breathe. And then it ended.
“We mustn’t,” she whispered breathlessly, pulling away from him. “We can’t . . . I don’t trust myself.” He released her and she placed her hands on each side of his face and kissed him again. “Damn you, Thad,” she whispered and kissed him again. It took a great deal of resolve on her part but she finally moved away from him, sighing as she did so. “Now, let’s eat this damn bread and cheese before I become a fallen woman.”
It was a bewildered young lieutenant who said good-bye at the infirmary porch and thanked the lady for a pleasant afternoon. She looked at him long and hard, the pain of regret in her eyes. She squeezed his hand and said she would see him tomorrow. Then she was gone, leaving him wondering why it had all happened. She never answered his proposal of marriage. Would she? He wondered. And then the question . . . now that I’ve found her, how can I live without her?
* * *
As he expected, the following morning he received orders to return to his station at Fort Fetterman to rejoin his troop. The orders specified his departure the next day, giving him one more day at Laramie. Florence Linebaugh sent word through her husband that she expected him for supper that evening. This meant one last evening to see Martha.
Though he was still stiff and sore, he decided he could manage without the sling so he discarded it when he left the infirmary. Most of his day was spent in odd jobs necessary to clear the post. It took almost half of the day to select a horse to replace the one killed during the fight on the Powder. He took his time making his choice because there were more than a few broken-down mounts in the herd. When he finally decided on a chestnut roan that exhibited a little enthusiasm, he went to draw a saddle and tack. The day passed more quickly than he had anticipated, keeping his mind off of Martha for the most part.
Six o’clock at last . . . Thad stood at Major Linebaugh’s front door. His knock was tentative, as if reluctant to announce his presence. After the previous evening’s conversation and unanswered proposal, he was quite nervous, not sure how he should act when he saw Martha. Should he press her for her answer? Or just pretend it never happened? He didn’t know.
The door opened and there stood Martha, a sad smile on her face, and he knew immediately what her answer would be. His initial impulse was to turn on his heel and retreat but he forced what he hoped would pass for a warm smile.
“Good evening, Thad.” She extended her hand.
“Evening, Martha,” he replied. Taking her hand, he looked deep into her eyes, searching for a spark that would prove his initial assessment false. He heard Robert’s voice behind her.
“Come on in, Thad.”
The evening was pleasant. Most of the conversation centered around Thad’s leaving the following morning and the apparent increase in hostile raiding parties to the north. Florence’s stew was tasty as usual and Robert even produced a bottle of wine for the occasion of Thad’s farewell dinner. As often as discreetly possible, Thad stole glances at Martha and each time met her gaze in return. He found himself desperate to be alone with her.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t pull enough strings to keep you here,” Robert said. “Colonel Whitman was willing enough but, when he requested your transfer, Colonel Fleming wouldn’t approve it. I’m sure it’s strictly a manpower problem. We’re supposed to get replacement troops in a month or so. Maybe then.”
“I appreciate it, Robert. Fetterman is a miserable duty station. I didn’t really mind it before now.” Realizing he was exposing his private thoughts, he said no more.
The meaning behind his statement was not lost on the rest of the dinner party. Florence glanced quickly at her sister, a knowing smile across her pleasant face. Martha flushed but slightly and Robert beamed broadly. Never one to impede her sister’s opportunities, Florence got up to clear the dishes. When Robert suggested the men should go outside on the porch to smoke a cigar, Florence immediately overruled him and insisted that Thad and Martha should take the night air instead. One sharp look from his wife and Robert was quick to second the motion.
Outside, the night air had cooled, providing refreshing relief from the afternoon sun. It was August, the month the Sioux called Moon When the Geese Shed Their Feathers, and it had been unusually hot. But the nights were cool and Martha had pulled a shawl over her shoulders.
“Do you want to walk?”
“No,” she replied. “Let’s just sit here on the step.”
He dusted the step with his hand and they sat down. Neither spoke for a long while. They sat silently, watching the light gradually fade as the long summer day reluctantly receded. Suddenly she turned to face him, pausing but a moment, then came into his arms. He held her close to him for a few moments and then she gently pulled his head down to meet her lips. He kissed her feverishly with a need he could not disguise. She met his passion with her own. Then they broke it off and pulled away, both fighting a desire that they knew could not be fulfilled. The pain of it was tearing at his heart. They were desperately in love and both knew it. Finally her frustration overwhelmed her.
“Oh, Thad, I don’t know what to do! Why couldn’t I have met you in St. Louis, back east somewhere . . . anywhere but this godforsaken place!”
“I love you, Martha.”
“And I love you,” she cried in anguish. “But I can’t live out here on an army post.”
The finality of her words left him in devastation, not knowing what more he could say to change her mind. He hung his head, staring down at the step beneath him.
She sighed heavily. “I’m going back to St. Louis tomorrow. I don’t want to stay here after you leave. I’m sorry, Thad. I love you but I’m just not made of the pioneer stock necessary to make a life out here.”
He said nothing in reply. There was nothing he could say. They continued to sit in silence for a long time after that, each suffering the emptiness of their dilemma. After several long minutes had passed with no words between them, she got to her feet.
“I’m going in now. Are you coming?”
“If you don’t mind, I think I’ll just be on my way. Say good night to Robert and Florence for me, will you?”
He saw her to the door where she paused and looked up at him. “I’m sorry,” she whispered and reached up and kissed him quickly and then she was gone. He stood motionless for a moment, staring at the rough wood of the closed door. The heaviness in his shoulders, the aching he felt in his chest, had nothing to do with his healing wound. He had been privileged to glimpse Heaven for a brief moment only to have it snatched rudely away from his grasp. What, he wondered, was the point of it all? He wished again that he had never met her.