Whether through a set-up or a virtual or in-the-flesh pick-up, you’ve maneuvered your way through the meet market and arranged for a date. So, what is a date exactly? At its essence, it’s an extended period of time spent engaging in low-intensity activities (such as miniature golf, eating, and/or drinking) with a person you find attractive and interesting.
Unlike the pick-up, the date takes place over a few hours or more. This requires endurance—can you continue the patterns of good behavior for longer than half an hour? You’ll need to step it up. If you groomed cursorily for the pick-up, groom intensely now. You will be under the microscope, as will your date, as you assess each other for further date-worthiness. The old maxim “Be yourself” doesn’t necessarily hold true on the first few dates. You might do better to follow this maxim: “Be your best-behaved, best-smelling self.”
If your date has the cojones to come out and ask for an actual date, then congratulations, you’re on your way. Now comes the fun part, because first-date anticipation is a veritable rollercoaster ride of hope and doom. Is she The One? Is he as cute in person as he is online? Will I sweat too much to wear the white top? Will she be the one who finally gets my fear of aquariums? There’s a good chance that each party is equally anxious, so be extra-aware of treating your date with delicacy and consideration.
How is one to decipher an invitation to “just hang out”? Is it a request for a romantic date, or will it entail sitting on his tattered couch, drinking Pabst, filling in for his vacationing therapist, and watching his friend’s skateboarding videos? If someone wants to take you on a date, his intentions should be clear. But what do you do if you’re interested in the person yet have no idea what you’re being asked?
1. Sit up and lean forward to indicate with your body language that you’re interested in entertaining this offer, however ambiguous it may be.
2. Restate what the person has just said, “Would I like to hang out on Saturday night?”
3. Use an “I” message to indicate your confusion: “I’m having trouble understanding exactly what you’re asking,” rather than the more accusatory “What? You don’t have the guts to ask me out on an actual date?”
4. If he doesn’t immediately clarify the offer, try to suss him out with an indirect line of questioning: “What will we be doing while we’re ‘hanging out’?”
5. If the answer is, “I don’t know,” reply that you’re busy, but if he wants to ask you out on an actual date, your schedule might just open up.
Before you go on the date, expect to Google and be Googled. Everyone does it, and there’s no need to be apologetic. If you need to justify your actions, simply think of the woman who found out via Google that her soon-to-be-date was actually a fugitive on the loose.
The reality is that you can’t not expect to be Googled, and you can’t really hold yourself back from Googling. In the absence of friends who can vouch for a person you’ve just met online or at a bar, you would be foolish not to take advantage of this modern-day resource. Just remember to obey some basic ground rules.
1. A person should not be banished based solely on their e-trail (except for people who’ve broken the law).
2. Remember that people share names. The guy you’ve met online might not be the same guy who runs the white supremacy Web site, even though they have the same name.
3. Nothing you’ve discovered via Google should be mentioned to the other person. Even if you pass a store with a Beanie Baby window display and you spent 20 minutes the evening before reading their Beanie Baby blog, keep your mouth shut.
4. Expect them to do the same.
You can’t know what to expect when meeting a date for the first time. Will she stick her hand out for a firm handshake, or will she initiate the urban knuckle-to-knuckle fist bump? She may lean in for a hug, or, if she’s lived a few years in Europe or Canada, she may prefer cheek-smooching. (And then, does she expect one, two, or three kisses on alternating cheeks?) Even high-fives are de rigueur for certain groups. How will you maneuver your way through such a multitude of potential greetings?
1. Take charge of an uncertain situation by initiating the greeting yourself. The handshake is the most universal greeting, so opt for this.
How to Give a Firm—Not Fishy—Handshake
The handshake originated many moons ago, just after humans first learned to walk upright. It originated for good reason. When two people met, they’d display their empty right hands to display their lack of weaponry and, accordingly, their nonmurderous intentions. An empty hand created a basic level of trust.
1. Make sure that the base of your thumb meets the base of the other person’s thumb.
2. Maintain eye contact and shake the other person’s hand from the elbow, not the wrist.
3. Shake firmly and with your entire hand. (Weak, limp, finger-tip handshakes are unacceptable.)
2. While introductions are still being made, extend your arm firmly (not stiffly), so it’s bent slightly at the elbow. Your palm should be open. You are indicating “I want to shake hands with you.”
3. Smile, keep a pleasant tone to your voice, and make eye contact so that your handshake is interpreted as warm and friendly, not businesslike.
ETIQUETTE TIP
The Headstart Cocktail It’s fine to ease first-date anxiety by enjoying a cocktail on your own before your date arrives. It’s not fine to greet your date with a lampshade on your head. Limit the headstart cocktail to one and, if possible, make it a vodka cocktail (or brush your teeth afterward) so you don’t smell like alcohol.
There’s a French proverb that reads, “Men count up the faults of those who keep them waiting.” From a dating perspective, this is exactly why you don’t want to be late. Everyone knows that being late is rude—tardiness telegraphs the message that your time is more valuable, that the other person may be busy but you are busier doing more important things. Being late for a date means you run the risk of making a bad first impression before you’ve had the chance to really make a first impression. These are the thoughts that will be running through your date’s head as he or she waits for you to arrive:
After 10 Minutes
• Did she forget about the date?
• I hope everything’s okay.
• Maybe he hit traffic.
After 15 Minutes
• Okay, this is getting ridiculous.
• This is embarrassing. I hate sitting here alone.
• Is she standing me up? The b——.
After 20 Minutes
• What’s his problem, anyway?
• She is so rude.
• That’s it. I’m leaving, and he’s not getting another chance.
See how the attitude steadily sours as the minutes tick by? It’s best to call the person’s cell phone to say you’re running late. If you don’t, you run the risk of showing up just as your date is cussing you out. The perfect excuse can quell his anger, but the wrong excuse will only ignite it. Here’s a simple guide to kosher and non-kosher excuses:
It’s never okay to be late because you …
a. had to watch the end of the ballgame on TV.
c. had to iron your pants and shine your shoes, since you forgot to do so last night.
It’s okay to be late because …
a. you hit a traffic jam caused by a horrible accident.
b. a friend or family member had an emergency.
c. you stopped off to save a child from a burning building.
ETIQUETTE TIP
If you’re a late-nik, it’s a good idea to set your wristwatch and clocks so that they’re 15 minutes later than real time. Even though you know you’re only fooling yourself, your first glance may result in the moment of panic that’s needed to light a fire under your butt.
Date content should not be left entirely up to either the dater or to the datee. The plan should arise from a give-and-take during which the two parties discuss options and reach some kind of compromise. Some rules:
1. If you’re asked, “What do you want to do?,” never answer, “I don’t know” or “I don’t care.” Apathy is neither attractive nor helpful.
2. The person who initiates the date (the initiator) should have restaurant and activity options in mind when he or she asks for a date.
3. Using these options as a starting point, the initiator should guide the “what should we do?” conversation, asking, for example, “Do you like sushi?” “How about Thai food?”
4. Activity options should be thought-provoking but not scary—no need to freak someone out by suggesting skydiving on the first date.
5. The activity should not be so dramatic that it overshadows the process of getting to know one another.
Some Suitable First-Date Activities
• Quizzo
• Museum
• Street fair
• Flower show
• Auto show
• Aquarium
• Sports event
• Flea market
• Pool or darts
Unsuitable First-Date Activities
• Sky-diving
• Bungee-jumping
• Visiting the parents
• Beach or pool or anywhere that requires wearing a bathing suit
• Movie (too antisocial)
• Karaoke
• Strip club
At this point you’re still on your best behavior. Unfortunately, lots of people have inferior definitions of “best behavior.” And with dining, there are lots of opportunities to behave badly. Dining is at its core the act of eating. Cows do it. Pigs do it. So what separates us from them? For one thing, opposable thumbs. Use those thumbs to hold onto your utensils, and think back to the days when your mom scolded you about eating too fast and with your mouth open.
Of course, there’s more to dining than eating. Breaking bread together is a dating necessity, and it serves up all kinds of sensitive situations, like deciding where and what to eat and who’ll pay for it. Then there’s the moment where you’re sitting across the table from each other and attempting to surmount an awkward silence. The golden rule to remember: Prioritize your date’s comfort level over your own.
Sometimes the initiator, wanting to be polite, leaves the restaurant choice up to the datee, and the datee suggests a five-star restaurant. Of course, this is rude—when asked for a suggestion, the datee should always assess the initiator’s financial situation (by observing clothes, car, shoes, job, etc.) and make a suggestion accordingly. When cues are ambiguous, the default option should always be middle-of-the-road. But if the datee tries to take advantage of the initiator by suggesting a five-star joint, what’s the initiator to do?
1. Come up with a plausible, nonfinancial reason not to go to the pricey restaurant, such as just having gone there last week: “Oh, I’ve been there a few times already,” you can say. “I’d love to try someplace new.”
2. Immediately steer the date toward the type of restaurant you had in mind by presenting a more modest option, “Have you ever been to Outback Steakhouse?”
3. Should your date not take the hint, simply point out that you’ve given a lot of thought to choosing just the right place, and allow your date to make the dining decision on your next date (if a next date is warranted).
ETIQUETTE TIP
The prospect of free food is not a valid reason for dating a person. Never try to fleece the person who asked you out by ordering a series of expensive cocktails. Order modestly and from the middle of the menu’s price range. Follow the initiator’s lead when deciding whether or not to order an appetizer and dessert.
There are some excellent, age-old rules we should all try to follow when trying to impress a date while dining out—they show up in the “Basics” list below. But in general, keeping your elbows off the table is less of a priority than eating inoffensively. Chewing, slurping, and swallowing are best kept to oneself, especially when you’re trying to come off as sexy and attractive. The rules that follow are broken into “basics,” for those who’ve forgotten what their mothers taught them, and “advanced,” for the first group and everyone else.
Basics:
1. Immediately after taking your seat, remove the napkin from your place setting and spread it over your lap.
2. Make sure ladies order first.
3. Be nice to the waitstaff. Not doing so is a red flag for savvy daters who see it as a sign that once you’re off your best behavior, you’re likely to treat them badly, too.
4. Don’t start eating until everyone at the table has been served.
5. Chew slowly.
6. Chew with your mouth closed.
7. Don’t slurp soup.
8. Don’t talk while you chew.
9. No cell phones at the table—ringers and vibratory mechanisms off!
1. Don’t sit on the same side of the booth as your date—this is a civilized meal, not some canoodle fest.
2. Even if you’re on a diet, try to participate heartily in the meal. If the other person’s paying, it’s rude not to enjoy yourself. And if they’re not, it’s rude to make them feel as if they shouldn’t be enjoying themselves—after all, if you’re not eating, they may not feel free to indulge.
3. Before taking a roll from the bread basket, tip the basket toward your date, and say, “Bread?”
4. When you excuse yourself to go to the restroom, just say, “Excuse me, please.” Don’t spell out for your date exactly what you mean to do once you get there.
5. Ask after your date’s food, and if he looks interested, offer him a bite of your own.
6. Never reach over to take a bite of your date’s food without first being invited.
7. Never reach across the table to grab the salt. Instead, ask, “Will you please pass the salt?”
8. Never visibly eavesdrop on people at neighboring tables. (Sometimes overhearing can’t be helped, but don’t lean over in order to hear better or jump into your neighbor’s conversation.)
9. Do not indulge in burping or other gassy emissions in public.
10. If you need to pick something from your teeth, excuse yourself to do so in the restroom.
Once in a while, a foodie will be overzealous about wanting to try everything that’s coming to the table. What do you do when she continues to reach over and help herself to your meal?
1. If one particular item on your plate seems to be a magnet for her fork, wait until she’s distracted, then strategically adjust the location of your plate so that the item in question is farthest from her reach.
2. Mention breezily how hungry you are, and how you’re certain you’re going to be able to eat everything on your plate. Say, “I was so busy today, I skipped lunch! No wonder I’m so hungry.”
3. If she’s still reaching, turn the attention back to her food: “Oh, that’s a shame, don’t you like what you ordered?”
4. Set an example by asking if you can have a taste of her meal—with your fork raised, inquire, “May I have a taste?”
5. If she continues to eat from your plate, cough or sneeze into your food, and for good measure, draw attention to it: “Oh, gross! I just sneezed right into my pepper-crusted ahi tuna.” Not even the most committed food stealer will persist when you’ve effectively “marked” your food in this way.
Bad First-Date Foods
• Anything seasoned with garlic, especially scampi (bad breath)
• Oniony dishes (bad breath)
• Sushi rolls (often too big to chew gracefully)
• Anything eaten with your hands: corn on the cob, hot dogs, sandwiches (too sloppy)
• Anything too demonstratively sexy: ice cream cones, oysters, bananas
• Mexican or Indian (too gassy)
• Soup (slurp, slurp)
• Long strands of pasta, like spaghetti, linguini, or cappellini (too hard to eat)
Good First-Date Foods
• Deboned fish or meat
• Sticky rice
• Salad (cut your cherry tomatoes so they don’t explode)
• Quiche
• Casserole
• Steak
• Fondue
• Gourmet pizza (steer clear of garlic; eat with knife and fork)
• Short, fat pasta: rotelli, fusilli, macaroni
When you’re dating out of your foodie league, and your suitor suggests a five-star French restaurant (oh, poor you!), you may be faced with a menu that resembles hieroglyphics. Not to fear, there are many ways out of this situation—and no need to tell anyone that you’ve no idea to which food group a “rouget barbet” belongs.
1. Don’t panic. If you are panicking, take deep breaths, drink some water, and try to fool yourself into thinking that you’re not panicking by forcing an easy smile and thinking, “I am calm. I am worldly. I am sophisticated and possibly French.”
2. Make a general comment about the menu, such as, “Oh, this all looks amazing.” Otherwise, forestall any food-related conversation by talking about the room, the other patrons, or the wine list.
3. When your date has looked up from her menu, indicating that she’s finished considering her options, ask, “What have you decided on?”
4. Next, ask, “What’s your second choice?” Pretend as if you were intending to get her second choice all along.
5. If she’s having trouble deciding between two entrées, suggest that you order one of them, so she’ll have the option of trying both. If you’re a guy, this will be interpreted as chivalrous; if you’re a woman, nurturing and sweet.
6. If all else fails, pick out the entrée that you can pronounce.
Fancy-Restaurant-to-English Dictionary
Amuse bouche: translates directly as “amuse the mouth”; a small, complimentary appetizer from the chef served before the appetizer
Andouilette sausage: sausage made of tripe, or cow stomach
Escargots: snails
Maître fromager: the cheese waiter
Plate: another word for course
Prix fixe: a menu with a fixed price, a fixed number of courses, and usually just a few choices for each course
Rouget barbet: a type of fish; it’s called red mullet in English
Sommelier: the wine waiter, who will guide you, if needed, in your choice of wine
Sweetbreads: the thymus gland or pancreas of a calf or lamb, soaked, parboiled, and creamed, curried, or braised
W.C.: the water closet, or restroom
You’ve greeted your date without falling flat on your face or blurting out that you’re suffering from hemorrhoids. You were on time or just a few minutes late. He actually looks like his online picture, and you’ve settled on a first-date activity that seems to please both of you. You’ve managed to order without revealing your total lack of knowledge regarding French cuisine. Now, some rules for conducting the ensuing conversation:
1. Be as interested as you are interesting. Be conscious of how much you are talking as compared to your date, and if the balance is off, ask questions of your date to bring him out.
2. Keep specific observations about your date’s physical appearance to yourself. If it’s complimentary, too specific a comment could be construed as creepy. If you’re not sure whether your comment can be construed as insulting, such as “you look tired,” keep it to yourself. (Follow Oprah’s advice: “Doubt means don’t.”)
3. Keep the questions and the conversation topics general—don’t ask too-personal questions too soon.
4. Don’t mention how much you love (or hate) babies or kids, or how you often wonder what it would feel like to be pregnant.
5. Even if you’re really hitting it off, stay away from assigning your date a nickname or pet name.
• SAT scores
• Parenting philosophy
• Past relationships
• What you really think of your family
• What you really think of your date’s earrings
• Your incurable STD
• Congenital or acquired medical ailments
• What your shrink thinks
• Fetishes
• Your secret sex tape
• Your shopping addiction
• What your shrink would think of your date
• The three-year gap in your resume
• Qualities you’re looking for in a life mate
• How much you love your cat
Sometimes, people are in such a hurry to find a life mate that they turn first dates turn into cross-examinations meant to tease out moral code and future goals: “How many kids do you want? Would you raise them Jewish? Private school? Suburbs or city? I’m going to present you with a few hypothetical scenarios, and you tell me how you’d handle them …” and so on. Changing the subject or asking questions back will not work, as they are determined to find out everything about you. So, how do you defuse the interrogatory tactics and salvage the evening?
1. First, understand that they are only interrogating you because they see you as a potential life mate. This is flattering—a little creepy, since they don’t really know you yet—but flattering. Think kindly of this person.
2. Slow your own pace in order to encourage them to speak more slowly and to enjoy the moment instead of worrying so much about the future. When you reach for the bread, do so slowly and deliberately, as if you’re underwater or moving in slow motion.
3. Seize on a question and use it as a launch pad for the kind of slightly revealing anecdote that should be talked about on an early date. For example, if she asks whether you want to raise your kids Catholic, tell her about the time your hometown became a shrine for pilgrims who claimed they saw the Virgin Mary’s face on a tree.
4. Continue the conversation in a more general, less personal vein: “How about you? Have you ever lived near any Virgin Mary sightings?”
ETIQUETTE TIP
No matter how well the date is going, keep your finger off the trigger of your camera-phone. It smacks too much of collecting evidence to show your friends later or to use toward some other unsavory end.
This is touchy territory. Don’t offend your date by using the wrong word.
FEMALES |
MALES |
• A girl is a female who hasn’t yet hit puberty—to be safe, reserve “girl” to describe 12-and-unders. • A woman is a grown-up version of a girl. • A young woman is what’s in between. • A chick is a baby chicken. • And ladies? Well, they’re few and far between. • A dame is a ballsy woman over 60. |
• A boy is a male who hasn’t hit puberty—12-and-unders. • A man is a grown-up boy. • A young man is what’s in between. • A guy is a more colloquial term for a man or young man. • A gentleman is a rare find. • A dirty old man is a senior who’s caught leering at a woman half his age. |
Even with all the lip-service given to women and men going Dutch or women paying for dates they initiate, a recent study found that more than 75 percent of all romantic dates are still paid for by men. While many men will feel it’s right to pick up the check, others may feel that women should pay if they’re the ones who initiated the date. And this is probably the fairest way to approach the situation—the initiator, or whoever asked for the date, should step up to the plate. Here are some ways to handle that potentially awkward moment:
1. Whoever initiated the date should reach for the check. (“Initiate” means any variation on the question, “Will you go out with me?”)
2. The datee should then counter with, “Can I help with that?” This is a nod to the initiator’s generosity and to the fact that the datee believes in partner parity.
3. The initiator should thank the datee for the offer but should insist on paying the whole check. He should also exhibit his eagerness to do so: “It’s my pleasure to take you out to dinner.”
4. The datee should thank the initiator, “Thanks so much. This was lovely,” and offer to pay the tip and/or treat for the after-dinner drink, ice cream cone, movie, or whatever other activity is planned.
It’s the dating equivalent of playing chicken: Who will fall first? In this case, the question is, who will break down and reach for the check first? You’re sitting across from one another, trying to look everywhere but at the leather billfold sitting at the center of the table, and every second feels like a full minute. We know that it’s the initiator’s responsibility to pick up the check. But what if the initiator doesn’t have a clue? There are several avoidance tactics a datee can take:
ETIQUETTE TIP
“BYOBs,” or “bring-your-own-bottle” restaurants offer a great opportunity for payment parity. When the initiator asks the datee out for dinner, the datee can offer to bring the bottle of wine, thereby leveling the playing field from the get-go and making it more natural for the initiator to pick up the check at meal’s end.
1. Go to the bathroom. Excuse yourself for the restroom as soon as you see the waiter bringing the check; don’t wait until it’s on the table. By the time you come back, it should be taken care of.
2. If you’ve just been to the bathroom, you have no choice but to sit tight and wait. If the waiter refills your coffee twice, and still no one’s made a move, point to the check and ask, “Can I help you with that?” This indicates that you know he’ll be paying, but you wouldn’t mind chipping in.
3. Another strategy is to wind down the date via small talk that smacks of finality, “Well, this has been fun. Thanks for asking me out.” This will remind the initiator that he’s the one who initiated, and hopefully shame him into doing his dating duty.
The end of the date ranks high on everyone’s list of most awkward moments. Do you give a warm handshake, reach for a hug, or go for the kiss? It’s all about reading the cues. Is she waving you in? If she’s laughing at all your jokes, touching your arm or your leg repeatedly, and leaning toward you while you’re talking, it’s probably safe to say that she’s ready for a kiss. Here’s how to make the first move:
1. By all means, ask first; it’s a solid approach. Say, “Can I kiss you?” or “I’d really like to kiss you right now,” and wait for a nod, murmur, or coy glance.
2. You may not be the asking type. Even so, do not lunge at the person. This can be very alarming. Instead, approach slowly while making eye contact so your date knows exactly what you’re going to do and can take the necessary precautions.
3. If those precautions involve putting out a hand to stop you from coming any closer, stop immediately.
4. If no palm is pressed to your chest, continue.
5. Be proactive: Swallow to lessen the likelihood of slobbering. If you’re both wearing glasses, take yours off to prevent clinking lenses. Wet your lips so they’re not parched and scratchy. Tilt your head in one direction so your noses don’t bump.
6. Make contact. The first kiss should be a lingering, closemouthed press.
7. If, after you retreat, your date is still standing with puckered lips and closed eyes, by all means go for a second liplock, if you’re so inclined; otherwise, simply clear your throat to signal that the kiss is now over.
ETIQUETTE TIP
Women need not wait to be kissed. Either partner should feel free to make the first move.
Sometimes a date will misread your cues. They’ll think they’re being waved in when actually you’re doing your best to let them know they’ve struck out. Maybe they think you’re playing hard to get. Maybe they’re less than adept at reading social cues. Whatever the reason, they’re all over you like a shedding cat. What do you do?
1. Step back and bring up some phlegm from deep in your throat.
2. Do a combination sneeze/cough; if the aggressor gets in the way of the spatter, all the better.
3. Say, “Oh, I’m so sorry, I must be getting a cold. I think it’s going around. I should get inside and get to sleep.”
4. Your aggressor will be temporarily stunned (and preoccupied with wiping away your spray), so this is your chance to swiftly retreat before your date has a chance to recover and protest.
5. So that the incident isn’t all negative, you might send back a parting sentiment of goodwill, like, “So nice meeting you! Good luck.”
If you’re not interested in a second date, you should reject the person as gently as possible and in an assertive manner that makes clear you’re not just playing hard to get. Here are the steps that will communicate a firm but gentle “No, thank you.”
1. If you know you’re not interested, do not draw out dinner just to score a few more glasses of wine and a chocolate soufflé.
2. Refrain from making sexy banter, such as talking about how naturally you took to the pole-dancing class you attended last week.
3. At the end of the date, if they say they’d like to see you again, you can say, “Maybe,” and then e-mail the next day to say you didn’t feel a spark.
4. Or you can decide not to get your date’s hopes up and break the news right there, saying, “It was really nice meeting you. I enjoyed spending time with you, but I just don’t feel like there’s the potential here to be more than friends.”
5. Don’t wait until you’re alone, either in a car or in a deserted parking lot, to break the news. This is putting yourself in danger—a person’s temper can turn on a dime, and you don’t want to be at anyone’s mercy.
6. If they do take it badly, consider offering up a decoy—a fictional friend who you think would hit it off “just great” with your date. Offer to set them up right away. Well, when your friend comes back from her trip. She’s quite a jetsetter.
As we’ve already learned, agreeing to a date is like entering into a social contract. The problem with a social contract is that it’s not actually spelled out in any books. It’s more of an honor code, and it’s up for interpretation. One person may consider it fine to slip away with no explanation while their date is in the bathroom. But that behavior doesn’t come close to upholding the social contract into which you’ve entered. Remember that this is another human being you’re dating. Even so, there are a few scenarios that do merit date-ditching:
1. If he or she has massively misrepresented himself: for example, if he’s more than 20 pounds or five years away from his online profile, or if he doesn’t actually do what he said he does for a living, or if he didn’t exactly study at that exclusive college but just drove past it a couple of times.
2. If he or she offends you—this might entail issuing a crass line, like, “If I said you had a sexy body, would you hold it against me?” or making a racist, homophobic, or sexist remark.
3. If he or she shows physical aggression.
4. If he or she is wearing a wedding ring.
5. If he or she suggests that you engage in illegal behavior.
The best ditching method is the fake emergency, which is foolproof so long as you are carrying a cell phone and can reach a helpful friend.
1. Enlist the help of the friend before you go on the date. Ask the friend to be on call—basically, to have his cell phone on him for the next few hours, just in case you need an assist.
2. Excuse yourself from the date to go to the restroom, bringing your cell with you in your purse or your pants pocket.
3. Once in the bathroom, call your friend and let him know you’re activating the plan to ditch your date: He is to call you in ten minutes and tell you something bad has happened.
4. When you’re back with your soon to be ex-date, and the phone rings, apologize, saying that you worry it might be important. Pick it up and talk for a few seconds before saying, “Oh no, I can’t believe it! I’ll be right there.” Hang up.
5. Tell your date: “My friend just got dumped. I have to see him right away.” Or, “My boss is on his way uptown to make an important presentation, and he forgot to upload the visuals. I have to go and e-mail them to him right away.”
6. Throw some cash on the table, and say, “It was really nice meeting you. Take care.” And leave.
ETIQUETTE TIP
Unless it’s a first-look coffee-date, lining up more than one date on one night is rude not only to yourself but to the person you’re seeing.
Now that the interview (the first date) is over, it’s time for that trial period known as the second date and beyond. By going on the second date, you’re both acknowledging that you’re intrigued enough to want to learn more. You’ve passed each other’s first-impression test. You seem clean enough, interesting enough, rich enough, funny enough—but we’ve all got baggage, and this is when yours and your dates’ will come out. The question is: Is it baggage you can live with? Good luck figuring that out. Meanwhile, here are some guidelines for managing the quirks.
Is it possible for a person to go through life crunching and munching so loudly that every time she goes to the movies, she bothers everyone in the surrounding five rows? Didn’t her friends or family ever tell her to stop eating her popcorn so loudly? Alas, no, they did not, and it’s left to her date to meet the stares of angry moviegoers and to field all of the “shh”s that are fired her way even as the popcorn eater remains oblivious to the building rage. How to deal with this uncomfortable situation?
1. Take the popcorn tub from your date, as if you just mean to take a handful, but then hold on to the tub.
2. When she reaches for the popcorn, grab her hand and hold on. Give it a romantic squeeze and don’t let go.
3. If she insists on disengaging from your romantic hand-hold in favor of eating more popcorn, try offering her some of your Jujubes or a sip of your soda.
4. If none of the above works, try pointing out one of the angry people “shushing” in your direction, and whisper, “What do you think they’re angry about?” This may make her realize she’s the culprit.
5. As a last resort, “accidentally” tip the popcorn and spill it on the ground.
Observe the Jekyll and Hyde of the dating world: your date’s inner diva, who surfaces whenever you’re out to dinner. All of a sudden, this sweet, mild-mannered woman becomes brassy and demanding, sending things back to the kitchen on a whim, snapping at the waiter about how long you’ve been waiting for your drinks, tipping 5 percent for perfectly good service. Your date’s behavior reflects on you, and this situation is becoming embarrassing. How do you rectify the situation?
1. The next time you’re out, frame your concern as concern for her: “So, is everything alright?”
2. She will say, “Sure,” and ask, “Why?”
3. Reply, “Well, as soon as we came into the restaurant, your mood seemed to shift.”
4. Pointing out that she’s acting differently might make her rethink her behavior. She may even ask, “What do you mean?”
5. This is your chance to point out how diva-ish she’s acting. Do so with some humor. You might say, “Well, you’re treating the poor waiter like a scrappy dog, and I’m afraid he might have retaliated by spitting in our food.”
6. Hopefully the prospect of repercussions will mellow her act. If not, you should commandeer the tipping, and from that point on consider staying in and getting food delivered.
He’s prolific over e-mail, chatty on the phone and during your one-on-one dates, but as soon as you bring him to a party or to meet up with some friends, he goes mute. You haven’t said anything about it, because you figured that as time went by, he’d feel more comfortable and start socializing on his own. But it just isn’t happening. Is there a way to bring him out when you’re with friends?
1. Don’t simply leave him alone because you’re afraid of putting pressure on him. Abandoning him in the corner to smile wanly into his drink will make him feel even more uncomfortable. Instead, stay by his side.
2. Touch him warmly—put your hand to the small of his back, guide him by the elbow, throw an arm around his waist; although the social spotlight might feel overwhelming, he should feel he’s in a safe space.
3. While you are talking to other people, include him in the conversation by making eye contact and by positioning your body so that your back is never to him. Never lean away from him to engage in one-on-one conversation with someone else.
4. Include him in the conversation by soliciting his opinion or by asking him to tell the great story he told you the other night about pigeon-hunting with his uncle in the Appalachians.
5. If a little wine makes him feel less insecure, make sure he always has a half-glass.
6. Enlist a close, discreet friend to take him under wing and engage him in conversation when you take your leave for the restroom.
The first time he invited you to a football game, you were excited that he wanted you to share in his love for the sport. But you weren’t expecting him to show up in full face paint, waving a giant styrofoam finger. At the game, he got kind of buzzed and almost started a fight with a fan of the opposing team who was sitting two rows up. How to deal with it?
1. Remind Super Fan of your presence by placing a hand on his shoulder or arm gently, so that he doesn’t mistake you for another foe trying to get in his face.
2. Once you have his attention, seek out his eyes—they’re lurking somewhere in that mess of face paint—and hold them with your own for a few seconds.
3. While maintaining intense eye contact, say, “I’m going to the bathroom. Can I get you a footlong or some popcorn?”
4. Hopefully the interruption and your nurturing, generous gesture will drain his anger and jar him into putting things into perspective.
5. Afterward, resolve to leave him to enjoy his sports events with his friends who can empathize with his zeal. Next time he asks you to come along, tell him tactfully, “I’m so flattered you want to share this with me, but I just think you’d have more fun with Bill.”
It may come to pass that you date someone who does not fall on the same side of partisan politics as you or your friends. You may have made peace with this, delighting in all the pros so much that they cancel out this con, but your friends will be a different story. It’s highly likely that they will engage in debate whenever you get together, leaving you to mediate. How to defuse a heated discussion when getting together for dinner with your date and your friends?
1. Take them out of their bubble by drawing attention to the fact that their debate might be making others uncomfortable. Do it breezily by throwing up your hands and saying, “Woah, woah, guys, your food is getting cold. Why don’t you eat and leave the debate for later?”
2. If you happen to be sitting next to your date, send her a message by kicking her under the table.
3. Should the debate continue to escalate, try to change the subject to something you can all agree on: “Speaking of animal rights, did you read that story in the paper today about the cat who helped solve that crime? Wasn’t that amazing?”
4. If nothing else works, try the straightforward approach, saying, “Listen, as far as I can tell you keep coming back to the same argument, so why don’t you just agree to disagree?”
5. Lead a toast to agreeing to disagree.
You’ll need to think long and hard about getting involved with a coworker who’s a superior: If things turn out badly, this could be harmful to your career. If your coworker is an underling or at the same professional level as you, this can also be risky, and it could seriously damage your reputation at work. Plus, you’re bound to get caught kissing in the copy room. If you are, how do you recover with your dignity intact?
1. Disengage breezily, as if you were doing something completely harmless, such as checking his back molars for cavities.
2. Look sternly at the intruder as if they should know better than to infringe on your privacy.
3. This may be enough to send them packing. If not, shoot a parting comment toward your amour regarding a professional matter: “Jason, I expect to see those reports on my desk first thing in the morning.”
4. Quickly take your leave. The more quickly you recover, the more likely the intruder will doubt her own eyes in witnessing this covert moment of passion.
But if the rumors start circulating, what should you do?
1. If this is more than a flirtation—if it’s looking like it will develop into a relationship—you and your amour will need to own up to it.
2. Don’t bother with a “coming out” speech in front of the company. People will no doubt be approaching you to pry into your personal business as soon as they hear the rumor.
3. Once they ask, reply firmly, “Yes, it’s true,” offering no more information than that.
4. If they grill you, simply say, “That’s all I’m comfortable saying about this subject. I’m determined to keep my private life and work life separate.”
5. Eventually, the gossipmongers will move on to a juicier scandal.
At first you might be charmed by the idea that hundreds, maybe thousands, of people might soon be reading about how romantic and attractive and dreamy you are. But then you start to think about how weird it would be if the person you were dating was blogging about you and using your real name. People might recognize you. People might Google you and find you being talked about on the blog. It seems like an invasion of privacy. What should you do if you want it to stop?
1. Don’t keep it a secret that you know about the blog. Tell your date that you found the blog when you were looking around online.
2. Let your date react to your admission. He may say, “Oh, don’t worry, I would never blog about someone without permission.” If he doesn’t say this, it’s up to you to express your concerns.
3. Begin by making it clear that you respect his decision to blog. Say, “I think it’s great that you have a blog, but there’s a reason I don’t have one. I don’t want my private life broadcast online. Would you mind not blogging about me?”
4. If this is hard for the blogger to swallow, you might compromise on a pseudonym.
Picky, picky, picky. No one is more picky than today’s daters. It seems like every time you start dating someone, you find something wrong with them. They don’t know what NPR is. They’re allergic to your cat. Their parents are weird. They’re a nose whistler. They don’t shave their neck hair. No matter if everything else about the person seems promising, you just can’t get past this one thing, this deal-breaker. So you jump to the dump. This is a bad habit that’s hard to break, but it’s hurtful to your partner and potentially to you. Here’s how to resist the jump:
1. Try to resolve the issue. Say your partner’s a nose whistler. First, assess his nose-trimming habits. Does he trim regularly? An excess of hair may exacerbate the whistle.
2. Read the humidity level in his house. Is it low or high? Maybe the air in his house is very dry, leading to further whistling.
3. Ask him, “So, has your nose always whistled, or is that a new thing?” Once he’s aware of it, he’ll try to resolve it.
4. If he brings up one of your weird quirks in retaliation—say, how your lips move when you read the paper—this is a good indication that the relationship isn’t going to work. Two potential deal-breakers always lead to a break.
5. If he partners with you to try to resolve the whistling, this is a sign that you can work together.
6. If, after the whistling is resolved, you still feel no spark, you can feel surer about jumping to the dump.
Sorting the Rational from the Irrational |
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Irrational Deal-Breakers |
Rational Deal-Breakers |
• Her apartment is across town. |
• Her apartment is three states away. |
• She’s registered under a different political party. |
• She thinks Dick Cheney is a hottie. |
• She has Phil Collins on her iPod. |
• All she has on her iPod is Phil Collins. |
• He says “Aaah,” after every sip of his morning coffee. |
• He eats coffee grounds for breakfast. |
• His mother sounds psycho. |
• His mother is psycho. |
• She doesn’t eat refined sugar. |
• She won’t let you eat refined sugar. |
• He doesn’t know what paella is. |
• He doesn’t know what the Internet is. |
• She has three cats. |
• She brought one of her cats on a leash to the first date. |
• He fudged the extent of his hair loss on his online profile. |
• He lied about being married with kids. |