If you can’t be kind, at least be vague.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people seem bright until you hear them talk.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger, and then it hit me.
Before they invented golf balls, how did they measure hail?
If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but when they ask where the bathroom is, they don’t point to their pants?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
If things get any worse, I’ll have to ask you to stop helping me.
I longed for the pitter-patter of little feet, so I got a dog. It’s cheaper, and you get more feet.
Rehab is for quitters.
If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
If you don’t go to other people’s funerals, then they won’t come to yours.
Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic who stayed up all night debating the existence of Dog?
My best friend became addicted to line dancing. It got so bad he had to enter a two-step program.
On my computer are the two buttons representing the things I can never have: Control and Escape.
Did you hear about the paranoid dyslexic?
He always thought he was following someone.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, “Where is the ceiling?”
The quarterback wanted to call his wife, but he couldn’t find the receiver.
I’ve got two wonderful children. Two out of five isn’t bad.
If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.
If God had meant us to use the metric system, there would have been ten Apostles.
Borrow money from pessimists. They don’t expect it back.
Do you know how to live to a ripe old age?
Eat a meatball a day for a hundred years.
What do you call thirteen witches in a hot tub?
A self-cleaning coven.
Two flies fly into the kitchen. Which one is the cowboy?
The one on the range.
Build a man a fire and he’ll be warm for a day, but set a man on fire and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
My name’s Pavlov. Ring a bell?
The trouble with being a leader today is that you can’t be sure whether people are following you or chasing you.
I’m a vegetarian and when I’m feeling wild, I eat animal crackers.
I don’t do drugs anymore because I find I get the same effect just standing up really fast.
Incontinence Hotline…Can you hold, please?
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Always remember to pillage before you burn.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
The lottery is a tax on people who are bad at math.
When guns are outlawed, only outlaws will accidentally shoot their kids.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Be nice to your kids. They’re the ones who will be choosing your nursing home.
Xerox and Wurlitzer are merging. They’re going to manufacture a reproductive organ.
A clear conscience is the sign of a bad memory.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
I went to buy some camouflage clothing, but I couldn’t find it.
“Veni, Vidi, Velcro”—I came, I saw, I stuck around.
My wife went to a self-help group for compulsive talkers. It’s called On & On Anon.
I’m reading a terrifically interesting book about antigravity—I just can’t put it down.
I always wanted to be somebody, but I guess I should have been more specific.
If you are what you eat, I’m dead meat.
Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.
Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
It’s a cruel choice: work or daytime television.
Lead me not into temptation—I can find the way myself.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
I intend to live forever—so far, so good.
I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
The best part about owning a restaurant for cats is that your customers don’t complain when they get hair in their food.
The best part about fighting your way to the top of the food chain is that you can choose to be a vegetarian or not.
The best part about computers is that they make very fast, accurate mistakes.
My software never has bugs—it just develops random features.
According to my calculations the problem doesn’t exist.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but you mean your mother.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some people are just out of film.
Sometimes I think I understand everything—then I regain consciousness.
Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
I said no to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
Age doesn’t always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. Now you know why they call it a workstation.
I’d rather have this bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
The difference between capitalism and communism is that under communism man exploits man, whereas under capitalism it’s the other way around.
My pig learned karate. Now he’s doing pork chops.
Politicians and diapers should both be changed regularly— and for the same reason.
Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.
Alcohol and calculus don’t mix. Never drink and derive.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is definitely not for you.
Some days you’re the dog, some days you’re the hydrant.
Some days you’re the bug, some days you’re the windshield.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
It’s not the pace of life that concerns me; it’s the sudden stop at the end.
The only reason I’d take up jogging is so I could hear heavy breathing again.
Sometimes I feel like a man trapped in a woman’s body. But luckily that man is gay, so nobody seems to notice.
If you’re going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
Never say anything bad about a man until you’ve walked a mile in his shoes. By then he’s a mile away, you’ve got his shoes, and you can say whatever you want to.
Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.
The early bird gets the worm, but it’s the second mouse who gets the cheese.
When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Why is it called a building when it has already been built?
He is not quiet; he is a conversational minimalist.
He does not get lost; he discovers alternative destinations.
Why isn’t “phonetic” spelled the way it sounds?
He was the number one laxative salesman in the whole United States, but he was just a regular guy.
He does not have a beer belly; he has developed a liquid grain-storage facility.
He is not short and wide; he is anatomically compact.
He does not eat like a pig; he suffers from reverse bulimia.
Twenty-four hours in a day, twenty-four beers in a case. Coincidence?
Do Roman nurses refer to IVs as 4s?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of the song?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
You go to the ballet and you see girls dancing on their tiptoes. Why don’t they just get taller girls?
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
Why is “abbreviation” such a long word?
What’s another word for “thesaurus”?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
Why is “brassiere” singular and “panties” plural?
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
If the black box survives a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot them?
Is there another word for “synonym”?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor, but book publishers aren’t afraid to have a Chapter 11?
Shouldn’t there be a shorter word for “monosyllabic”?
If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
As you grow older, do you miss the innocence and idealism of your youth, or do you mostly miss cherry bombs?
Did you hear about the blind man who picked up a hammer and saw?
Did you know that half of all people are below average?
Lawyers get disbarred and clergymen defrocked. So doesn’t it make sense that ballplayers would be debased, politicians devoted, and cowboys deranged, models deposed, Calvin Klein models debriefed, organ donors delivered, and dry cleaners depressed, decreased, and depleted?
Birth-control pills are tax deductible, but only if they don’t work.
Two goldfish are in a tank and one says to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”
Did you hear that Ford announced a huge recall of late-model Mercurys?
They found traces of tuna in them.
A man walks up to a blind man and hands him a piece of matzo. The blind man says, “Who wrote this nonsense?”
What is the difference between ignorance, apathy, and ambivalence?
I don’t know and I don’t care one way or the other.
Did you hear about the home brewer who entered his first brewing contest?
The report he got back read: “Dear Sir, your horse has diabetes.”
How do you get an elephant out of the theater?
You can’t. It’s in their blood.