There once was a butterfly who fell in love with a bumble bee. Said the bumble bee to the butterfly, “Will thou marry me?” “Nay, nay,” said the butterfly. “For I am the daughter of a monarch, and you are just a son of a bee.”
The plane came in for a hard landing, but it wasn’t the pilot’s fault.
It was the asphalt.
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married. One was the bride broom, the other the groom broom. The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely. After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride broom leaned over and said to the groom broom, “I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!” “Impossible!!” said the groom broom. “We haven’t even swept together!”
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
“How was he killed?” asked one detective.
“With a golf gun,” the other replied.
“A golf gun? What’s a golf gun?”
“I don’t know, but it sure made a hole in Juan.”
Have you heard about the new existentialist breakfast cereal?
It’s called Raisins D’etre.
A man has a son that was born without a body, only a head. When the head turned 21, his father decided they would go and have some beers. So they go to the local pub and the boy gets his first beer. After drinking just a sip he instantly grows a body. Then with another drink he grows a set of arms. In excitement, he drinks the rest and grows legs and feet. He jumps up and down with elation, runs out of the bar and directly into the street, where he is hit and killed by a semi. The moral of this story is that sometimes you should quit while you’re a head.
Have you heard of the new chainsaw? It uses only a single double A battery and two cups of salt to run all of its electrical systems. It is charged with a salt and battery.
What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French kitchen?
Linoleum Blown-Apart!
Why did ancient Romans close down the Coliseum?
The lions were eating up the prophets.
A woman walks into the kitchen and finds her husband tying a pair of toothpicks to each pea in a bag of frozen peas with tiny strips of gauze. “What do you think you’re doing?” she asks. He looks up from what his work and says, “What does it look like I’m doing? I’m making splint pea soup.” A few days later she finds him in the kitchen again, this time stabbing potatoes repeatedly with a pencil. “Now what to you think you’re doing?” she asks. “What else?” he answered. “I’m making potato leak soup.”
A recent newsworthy item stated that there was a murder at the local fish market. A woman killed a gentleman just for the halibut. He was hard of herring, it was later found.
I’m nice to both of my wives. Isn’t that bigamy?
A school teacher was arrested at the airport for trying to go through security with a slide rule and a calculator. He was charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.
A couple attended a Japanese Noh play. Afterward the wife said, “I didn’t get it.” And the husband said, “What part of Noh don’t you understand?”
What did the DNA say to the other DNA?
Do these genes make me look fat?
Did you hear about the new restaurant that opened in India?
It’s a New Delhicatessen..
Once upon a time, a beautiful young antelope had a wild date in the forest, so she was getting all gussied up—new dress, makeup, everything. Suddenly, as she was just about ready, she was stampeded by a herd of wildebeests, becoming the world’s first self-dressed, stamped antelope.
A woman got free airplane tickets for her five babies under the airline’s free quint flyer program.
My cousin is a transvestite. He likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
The waters receded and the ark settled and Noah told the animals to go forth and multiply. He was cleaning out the ark, and he saw a couple of snakes still there. He said, “Didn’t I tell you to go forth and multiply?” They said, “We can’t multiply. We’re adders.”
There was once a horse who was a genius. It mastered math and physics and history, but it couldn’t master philosophy, which proves you can’t put Descartes before the horse!
Did you hear a guy was murdered in town last night? Police found the victim face down in his bathtub, which was filled with milk and cornflakes. They think it was a cereal killer
The family of potatoes sits down to dinner, the daddy potato, and mommy potato, and three daughter potatoes. The eldest daughter says that she has an announcement to make—she’s getting married to an Idaho potato. And the potato parents say, “Oh my, how nice, getting married! We are so happy.” The second daughter says that she too has an announcement, that she is engaged to marry a Russet potato. “Oooh! A Russet potato, that’s so nice. Congratulations, we are very happy for you.” And then the youngest daughter says that she has an announcement to make, that she is getting married to Ted Koppel. And the mommy potato bursts into tears and says, “Oh honey, you could do so much better than him. He’s just a common tator.”
Why is it great to be a test tube baby?
You get a womb with a view.
I would like to go to Holland someday. Wooden Shoe?
There once were identical twins—born in Greece and separated at birth—put up for adoption. One was sent off to Saudi Arabia, and he was named Amal. The other one was sent off to Spain, and he was named Juan. Many years later, their relatives arranged for a reunion. It was a big event, and everyone showed up at the airport in Greece to greet the twins. The plane from Spain landed, and off came Juan, to the delight of the crowd. Then they waited for the plane from Saudi Arabia. Soon it arrived, but Amal wasn’t on it—he’d missed the plane. One relative said to the other, “Well, they are identical twins. And if you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”
A young snail bought a new sports car with a big red “S” painted on the side. He wanted to drive around town and hear people say, “Look at that little ‘S’ car go!”
Leif Erickson returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely, saying, “I’m sorry, Mrs. Erickson, I must have taken Leif off my census.”
A farmer is milking his cow and as he is milking, a fly comes along and flies into the cow’s ear. A little bit later, the farmer notices the fly in the milk. The farmer says, “Hmph. In one ear, out the udder.”
Did you hear that NASA has launched several Holsteins into earth orbit?
It was the herd shot around the world.
So, these two vultures decided to fly to Florida on an airline. They got on board carrying six dead raccoons, and the flight attendant said, “I’m sorry, but there’s a limit of two carrion per passenger.”
Did you hear about the frog who wanted to get out of the construction business, but sadly, all he could do was rivet, rivet, rivet…
What do you call the cabs lined up at the Dallas airport?
The yellow rows of taxis.
This duck walks into a drugstore and he says, “Gimme some Chapstick and put it on my bill.”
“I was in Mercy, Australia, and I was served tea made from the hair of a koala.”
“Made from the hair of a koala? You’re kidding! How was it?”
“Oh, it was awful. It was filled with koala hair!”
“Well, you know, the koala tea of Mercy is not strained.”
A doctor liked to stop at a bar after work and have an almond daiquiri. One day, Dick the bartender ran out of almonds, and used hickory nuts instead. The doctor took a sip and said, “Is this an almond daiquiri, Dick?” And Dick said, “No, it’s a hickory daiquiri, Doc.”
There’s a nudist colony for communists. Two old men are sitting on the front porch. One turns to the other and says, “I say, old boy, have you read Marx?” And the other says, “Yes...I believe it’s these wicker chairs.”
Recently, a Frenchman in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime and getting in and out and past security, he was captured only two blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, “I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.”
Early one spring morning, Papa Mole decided to check out the sounds and smells of the new season. He traveled along his burrow until he could stick his head out and survey the area. It was such a beautiful morning, he quickly called to Mama Mole to come join him. Papa Mole said, “It is such a beautiful spring morning. I hear the birds singing and I smell…bacon…yes, someone is frying! It smells so good.” Mama Mole said, “It is indeed a beautiful morning and… why, yes…I think I smell someone cooking pancakes. Yes, delicious buckwheat pancakes! Come quick, Baby Mole, you must experience these delectable sounds and smells!” Baby Mole raced along the burrow but could not squeeze past his parents. Mama said, “Do you smell those delicious smells of breakfast, Baby Mole? Doesn’t it make you hungry and happy that spring is here?” Baby Mole replied, somewhat disgruntled, his voice a bit muffled as he tried to squeeze past his parents again, “I wouldn’t know. All I can smell is molasses!”
There was a fire at a Basque movie theater. Unfortunately there was only a single emergency exit door, so several people were trampled. Which goes to show that you shouldn’t put all your Basques in one exit.
Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that the soles of his feet became quite thick and hard. Being a very spiritual person, he ate very little and often fasted. As a result, he was quite thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his diet, he ended up with very bad breath. Therefore, he came to be known as a super callused, fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
Out in the Pacific Ocean, Sam and his wife Sue, two clams, owned a restaurant that had live disco music every Saturday night. Their diner was known for its great musicians, the shrimp quartet. Bob played guitar, Chuck played the drums, Sally sang, and Harry played the harp. One day while crossing the street, Harry the shrimp was involved in an accident and was trampled to death by an urchin driving an out-of-control sea horse. Everyone at Sam’s disco was devastated. Without old Harry playing his harp, the disco just wouldn’t be the same. Even Harry, now in heaven, was sad. He asked St. Peter if he could go back just once more and play with the shrimp quartet on a hopping Saturday disco night. St. Peter said yes and allowed him to leave heaven for one night. Harry joined the shrimp in their disco frenzy and had a great time catching up with all his old crustacean friends. When the night was over, he sadly returned to heaven. St. Peter looked at him and asked, “Harry, where is your harp?” Harry sighed, “I guess,” he paused, “I left my harp in Sam Clam’s disco.”
What is the difference between a joist and a girder?
The first wrote “Ulysses,” and the other wrote “Faust.”
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one naturally became known as the lesser of two weevils.
There was a horse trainer who raised a filly, and when he raced her in the evening she always won, but when she raced during the day she lost. She was a fine horse, but she was a real night mare.
An elephant and a giraffe come down to the watering hole for a drink. They see a turtle fast asleep, basking in the sun. The elephant goes over and kicks the turtle—whack—to the other shore. “Boy, that was cruel,” said the giraffe. “Why did you do that?” The elephant said, “That turtle bit a big chunk out of my trunk fifty years ago.” “Fifty years ago! Wow, what a great memory,” said the giraffe. “Yes,” said the elephant, “I have turtle recall.”
This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his hometown for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, “I’ll just have the eggs Benedict.” His order comes a while later, and it’s served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, “What’s with the hubcap?”
The waiter sings, “O, there’s no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!”
There was a man who entered a pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his hand out the window to check. Just as he did this, a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from and saw a young woman looking down from an upstairs window.
“Is this yours?” he asked.
She said, “Yes, could you bring it up?”
When he got up to her apartment, he found she was extremely attractive, and she offered him a drink. After they’d finished their drinks, she said, “I’m about to have dinner. There’s plenty; would you like to join me?”
He readily accepted her offer, and they both enjoyed a lovely meal. After dinner, she said, “I’ve had a marvelous evening. Would you…like to stay the night?”
The man hesitated, then said, “Wow, do you act like this with every man you meet?”
“No,” she replied, “only those who catch my eye.”
Why did Jesus go to a Japanese restaurant?
Because he loved miso.
Did you hear that Miss Muffet and Saddam Hussein got together for a meeting to discuss their common problem?
They both have Kurds in their way.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused novocaine during his root canal?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.
One day, a Russian couple was walking down the street, and they got into an argument over whether it was raining or sleeting. So they asked a communist party official, Comrade Rudolph, if it was officially raining or sleeting. “Today it is officially raining, Comrades,” said the official, and walked away. The wife said, “I still think it’s sleeting.” The man said, “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”
Darth Vader: Luke Skywalker, I know what you’re getting for Christmas.
Luke: How do you know?
Vader: I felt your presents.