How do you make an egg roll?
Push it.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
How do you get your grandma to swear?
Get someone else’s grandma to say, “Bingo!”
Is it true that an alligator won’t attack you if you carry a flashlight?
Depends on how fast you carry the flashlight.
Two kangaroos were talking to each other and one said, “I hope it doesn’t rain today. I just hate it when the children play inside.”
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.
Wow, that’s a cool-looking cow!
It’s a Jersey.
Is it? I thought that was its skin.
Hey, do you know the capital of Alaska?
Juneau.
Yeah, but I asked you.
What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?
Fission chips.
What’s green, leafy and sings the blues?
Elvis Parsley.
Did you hear about the cat that swallowed a ball of yarn?
A few months later she gave birth to a litter of mittens.
Why don’t they allow elephants on the beach?
Because their trunks keep falling down.
What does the Little Mermaid wear?
An algebra.
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin pi.
What did one fly say to the other fly?
Hey, fly, your dude is open.
Why did the dolphin kill himself?
His life had no porpoise.
I was asking what the difference was between mime and pantomime and no one would say.
What happens if you don’t pay your exorcist?
You get repossessed.
What do you call a woodpecker without a bill?
A headbanger.
Why didn’t the oyster give up her pearl?
She was shellfish!
A man went to a friend’s fancy dress party with nothing but a girl on his back. “What have you come as?” asked his friend. “A snail.” “How can you be a snail when all you’ve got is a girl on your back?” “That’s Michelle.”
Where do boats go when they’re sick?
The Dock.
What do you do when you see a space man?
You park in it, man.
What did the Earth say after the Earth quake?
Sorry, my fault.
Do you know why one side of the V formation of migrating geese is longer than the other?
Because there are more geese on that side.
What is brown, shriveled and carries a machine gun in its hand?
Al Caprune.
What?
That’s what.
What’s what?
What do you get when you make a sandwich out of a pig’s nose?
A ham-booger.
What do you get if you cross a pit bull with a rabbit?
A very happy pit bull.
What do you do if you break your arm in two places?
Don’t go back to those two places.
Two ducks were swimming along, and one of them said, “Quack!”
The other duck said, “Oh, my gosh! I was just about to say the same thing!”
Did you hear about the butcher who backed into his meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
Did you hear the Kleenex factory workers went on strike?
Now everyone will have to picket.
What did one burp say to the other?
Let’s be stinkers and go out the other end.
How do you tell an elephant from an Italian grandmother?
It’s the black dress.
Why do cherry trees smell?
Because George Washington cut one.
Why were all the ink spots crying?
Their father was in the pen.
Why did the mushroom go to the party?
Cuz he was a fungi!
Why did the fungi leave the party?
Cuz there wasn’t mushroom!
Lady, this vacuum cleaner will cut your work in half.
Good. I’ll take two of them.
Why do they put bells on cows?
Because their horns don’t work.
Excuse me, does this bus go to Duluth?
No, this bus goes beep beep.
Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door?
To win the no-bell prize.
What’s brown and lives in the bell tower?
The lunch bag of Notre Dame.
What’s brown and sounds like a bell?
Dung!
A stick.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t work?
A stick.
Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book?
They all have phones.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels.
How do you keep a bagel from getting away?
Put lox on it!
What kind of bees give milk?
Boobies.
What did the bee say to the flower?
“Hey Bud, when do you open?”
Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
To get to the secondhand store.
What’s large, gray, and doesn’t matter?
An irrelephant.
I saw Ronald McDonald naked. He has sesame seed buns.
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka.
How can you tell a boy tuna from a girl tuna?
Watch to see which “can” they use.
There were two fish in a tank and one turns to the other and says, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”
How do you fix a broken pumpkin?
With a pumpkin patch.
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.
What do you call a fish with no eye?
Fsh.
Two caterpillars are sitting on a branch and a butterfly flies overhead. One caterpillar says to the other, “You’ll never get me up in one of those.”
How did Dracula come to America?
He sailed in a blood vessel.
What’s gray?
A melted penguin.
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic?
Halfway.
Why did the pilgrims’ pants fall down?
Because they wore their belt buckles on their hats.
What goes ha, ha, ha, plop?
Someone laughing his head off.
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way, unique up on it.
How do crazy people go catch a rabbit?
You wait until it comes down the psycho path and unique up on it.
What did Mrs. Bullet say to Mr. Bullet?
We’re going to have a beebee.
Why was the tomato red?
Because it saw the salad dressing.
Hear about the ship that ran aground carrying a cargo of red paint and black paint?
The whole crew was marooned.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck!
What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
Dam.
Why is a giraffe’s neck so long?
Because its feet smell.
What’s green and hangs from trees?
Giraffe snot.
What’s green and skates?
Peggy Phlegm.
What’s green and slimy and marches through Europe killing people?
Snazis.
How do you get down from an elephant?
You don’t get down from an elephant, you get down from a goose.
Why shouldn’t you have two elephants in your swimming pool at the same time?
Because they’d only have one pair of trunks.
What should you do if you’re eaten by an elephant?
Run around and around till you’re all pooped out.
Why is an elephant big, gray, and wrinkled?
Because if he was small, white, and round he’d be an aspirin.
What do you get when you cross a fly with an elephant?
A zipper that never forgets.
How do you make an elephant fly?
You start with a 48-inch zipper…
Can an elephant jump higher than a lamppost?
Yes. Lampposts can’t jump.
Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
So they can hide in cherry trees.
What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
Walk him and pitch to the rhino.
What’s the worst part about hunting elephants?
Carrying the decoys.
Why do elephants have trunks?
Because they would look silly with glove compartments.
What is large, gray, and wears glass slippers?
Cinderelephant.
Why was Cinderella so lousy at baseball?
She ran away from the ball, and she had a pumpkin for a coach.
Why should you never fly with Peter Pan?
Because you’ll never, never land.
Why did the banker break up with his girlfriend?
He lost interest.
Why did the Indian have a hard time getting into the hotel?
He didn’t have a reservation.
Why did the atoms cross the road?
It was time to split!
Why was the baby ant so confused?
Because all his uncles were ants.
Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall?
He wanted to make up for a lousy summer.
Where did the king keep his little armies?
Up his little sleevies.
Did you hear about the corduroy pillows?
They’re making headlines, aren’t they?
What is the last thing that goes through a bug’s mind as it hits a windshield?
His butt.
Why do gorillas have large nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.
“Dad, I’m going to a party. Would you do my homework for me?”
“I’m sorry, kid, but it just wouldn’t be right.”
“Well, maybe not. Give it a try anyway.”
Where do otters come from?
Otter Space.
How does the man on the moon get his hair cut?
Eclipse it.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
The food is terrific, but there’s no atmosphere.
Why is a moon rock tastier than an earth rock?
Because it’s a little meteor.
What did the number 0 say to the number 8?
“Nice belt!”
Why was the math book sad?
Because it had so many problems.
Why did the cookie visit the doctor?
He felt crummy.
What did the hot dog say when he crossed the finish line?
“I’m the wiener!”
What did one hot dog say to another?
“Hi, Frank.”
Because they can’t remember the words.
What is bright orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
Why do birds fly south for the winter?
Because it’s too far to walk.
Did you hear about the skunk who went to church?
He had his own pew.
Why couldn’t the pony talk?
He was a little horse.
What has four legs and one arm?
A Rottweiler.
What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?
A dog that rips your leg off, then goes for help.
What do you get when you cross a cantaloupe with a Border collie?
Melancholy babies.
What does a dog do that a man steps into?
Pants.
What do you call a dog that is left-handed?
A southpaw.
Where do you find a no-legged dog?
Right where you left him.
Whatdaya call a dog with no legs?
Don’t matter, he ain’t gonna come anyway.
Bert asked Ernie if he wanted ice cream, and Ernie said, “Sure, Bert.”
So the male flea said to the female flea, “How about we go to the movies?”
And the female flea said, “Sure. Shall we walk or take the dog?”
If H2O is on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?
K9P.
Did you hear that in New York the Stop and Shop grocery chain merged with the A&P?
Now it’s called the Stop&P.
Did you hear about the snail that got beat up by two turtles?
He went to the police and they asked him, “Did you get a good look at the turtles who did this?”
He said, “No, it all happened so fast.”
Did you hear about the two silkworms in a race?
They wound up in a tie.
Who yelled, “Coming are the British”?
Paul Reverse.
What did the mother buffalo say to her little boy when he went off to school?
Bison.
What’s a metaphor?
So that livestock can graze.
What do you get when you eat onions and beans?
Tear gas.
Why did the man stop farting?
He ran out of gas.
What do you use to fix a broken tomato?
Tomato paste.
Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants?
In case they get a hole in one.
What did the tie say to the hat?
You go on a head, I’ll just hang around.
Why didn’t Noah fish very often?
He only had two worms.
How much do pirates pay for their earrings?
A buccaneer.
If Mr. and Mrs. Bigger had a baby, who would be the biggest of the three?
The baby, because he’s a little Bigger.
Did you hear about the two antennas that got married?
The wedding was terrible, but the reception was great.
What do you say to a hitchhiker with one leg?
“Hop in.”
What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
Nothing, they just waved.
What’s a chimney sweep’s most common ailment?
The flue.
Where does satisfaction come from?
A satisfactory.
Why can’t a woman ask her brother for help?
Because he can’t be a brother and assist her too.
What do you get when you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?
Hot cross bunnies.
Why did the bunnies go on strike?
They wanted a raise in celery.
What do you give a deer with an upset stomach?
Elkaseltzer.
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No ideer.
How did the mouse feel after the cat chased it through a screen door?
Strained.
What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you?
Nacho cheese.
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
Why do bicycles fall over?
Because they are two-tired.
What’s Irish and sits outside?
Patio Furniture.
What is Mary short for?
She’s just got little legs, I guess.
How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue.
Why did the composer only compose in bed?
He was writing sheet music.
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
Because it wanted to get to the bottom.
What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
They have the same middle name.
What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef, but not many people can pee soup.
What do you call a guy who never farts in public?
A private tooter.
Say lettuce and spell cup.
Lettuce c-u-p.
A guy yells across the river, “Hey, how do you get to the other side of this river?”
A guy on the other side yells back, “You are on the other side!”
Did you hear about the giant that threw up?
No, how’d you know?
It’s all over town.
What does a one-legged ballerina wear?
A one-one.
Why are you scratching yourself?
I’m the only one who knows where it itches.
Do you know how to make your own anti-freeze?
Take away her fur coat.
Why do fire departments have Dalmatians?
To help them find the hydrants.
“Okay, class. If anyone has to go to the bathroom, just hold up two fingers.”
“How will that help?”