“What does your daddy do for a living?”
“My daddy’s dead.”
“What did he do before he died?”
“He sort of clutched at his chest and fell over.”
James Brown went to the pearly gates and met St. Peter who took him to a room where Jerry Garcia was playing and Jimi Hendricks and Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin. James Brown says, “I was worried maybe I was going to hell, but I guess not.” Jerry Garcia says “You think this is heaven?” Just then Lawrence Welk walked in and says “All right, one more time. ‘The Anniversary Waltz.’ And a one and a two and a one, two, three…”
A man dies and goes to hell. He wakes up in a cheap little motel room. After looking around for a little bit, he discovers that it’s not so bad. It has clean sheets, a decent shower, and basic cable. When he goes outside, he sees that Satan is outside in a golf cart. He says “Oh, you’re the new guy. I’m here to give you the tour.” So Satan drives him around hell showing him all the sights, a pool, a family style Italian restaurant. The guy says “Hey, this isn’t so bad.” And Satan says “Yeah, we like it here. Heaven is better though, they’ve got premium cable, fancy restaurants, and a private lagoon, but we like it here.” Then the golf cart turns the corner and the guy sees a flaming pit of naked souls in agony under an apocalyptic sky. “What is that!?” he asks. “Oh, that’s for the Catholics,” says Satan, “they insisted on it.”
When Einstein died and went to heaven, St. Peter met him and said, “Can you prove that you really are Albert Einstein?” and Einstein wrote out a whole page of equations. St. Peter said, “Okay, I see.” Picasso died and St. Peter said, “You look like Picasso, but how can I know for sure?” So Picasso drew his masterpieces one after the other. St. Peter said, “All right, that’s fine.” When George W. Bush died and went to heaven, St. Peter said, “I’m sorry, I need to ask you to prove who you are. I mean, Albert Einstein proved who he was, and Picasso, and so I have to ask you.” George W. Bush said, “Who is Einstein? Who is Picasso?” St. Peter said, “Okay, come on in. I know it’s you.”
An engineer dies and goes to hell. He immediately fixes the toilets so they flush properly. Then he gives hell computers and TVs. Finally, he fixes the thermostat. God is horrified by the growing comfort level in hell and says to Satan, “If you don’t reduce the comfort levels and get rid of that engineer, I’ll sue!” to which Satan says “Uh-huh. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?”
Both Dolly Parton and the Queen die and go to heaven. St. Peter meets them at the pearly gates and looks in his big book and says, “Sorry ladies, but there is only room for one of you.” Without hesitation, Dolly lifts up her sweater and says “These should get me in!” A bit taken aback St. Peter turns to the Queen, and without a word she goes to the commode at the pearly gates, lifts her skirt and does a pee and pulls the handle. Still flashing her bare chest Dolly says “These should still get me in.” St. Peter shakes his head sadly and says, “Sorry, Dolly, but a Royal flush will always beat a pair.”
A man dies and finds himself in a small room furnished with a couch and a TV; there’s another guy sitting on the couch watching the TV. “So…is this heaven or hell?” the newly deceased asks the man on the couch. “Well…there are no windows or doors and no apparent way out,” the man answers. “So this is hell?” the newcomer responds. “I don’t know,” says the other guy without looking up, “They did give us this big screen TV!” “So maybe this is heaven?” the guy replies. “Maybe, but the TV only gets one channel.” “Okay, so…maybe this IS hell?” “I’m not sure…the only station the TV gets is PBS.” “So maybe this is heaven after all!” the newcomer exclaims. “Yeah…except for one thing,” the other guy retorts, “It’s always pledge week.”
Once there was a rich man who wanted badly to take some of his fortune with him when he died. He prayed and finally God said, “Okay, you can bring some.” So he found a large suitcase and packed it with gold bars, and soon afterward he died and showed up at the pearly gates. St. Peter said, “Hey, you can’t bring that in here!” The man explained that God had allowed him one carry-on and St. Peter opened the suitcase and said, “You brought pavement?”
Bill Gates died and went to heaven and was given a little cottage in the woods and next door was a mansion on a hill with a golf course and tennis courts, and there lived the captain of the Titanic. “Why does he deserve better?” Bill asked God. “Because the Titanic only crashed once.”
A man went to heaven and St. Peter was showing him around. The man saw a group of people milling around and asked who they were. St. Peter said, “Oh, those are the Unitarians—they are arguing about whether or not they are here!”
Three friends die in a car accident, and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, “When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?”
The first guy says, “I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor in my time and a great family man.”
The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and a school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.”
The last guy replies, “I would like to hear them say… ‘Look, he’s moving’!!”
A woman dies and goes to heaven, and St. Peter takes her on a tour of heaven. They pass a pit where there are people gnashing their teeth and wailing, and the woman says, “Who’s down there?”
St. Peter says, “Oh, those are the Catholics who ate meat on Fridays.”
They walk a little farther and there is another pit with more groaning and wailing, and she says, “Okay, who’s down there?”
St. Peter answers, “Those are the Baptists who went to dances.”
And a little farther along, there is another pit and people down there gnashing their teeth and crying and ripping their garments, and she says, “And those people?”
And St. Peter says, “Those are the Episcopalians who ate their salads with their dessert forks.”
“Madame fortune teller, tell me: Are there golf courses in heaven?”
“I have good news, and I have bad news.”
“What’s the good news?”
“The good news is that the golf courses in heaven are beautiful beyond anything you could imagine!”
“That’s wonderful.”
“And you’ll be teeing off at 8:30 tomorrow morning.”
A man went on vacation and arranged for his mother to stay at his house and take care of his cat. And, just to be sure, he asked his next-door neighbor if he would look in on them every day and make sure they were all right. “No problem,” said the neighbor. The man flew off to Mexico and after a couple of days, he called the neighbor and asked how things were going.
“Well,” the neighbor said, “your cat died.” “Geez,” the guy said. “You have to come right out and tell me like that? Couldn’t you have a little more consideration? I’m on vacation. Couldn’t you have broken it to me a little more gently? Like first telling me that the cat was on the roof, then that the cat fell off the roof, then maybe the next day telling me you had taken the cat to the vet—like that, not boom all at once! By the way, how’s my mom doing?”
“Well,” said the neighbor, “she went up on the roof…”
Brett Favre and Randall Cunningham die and go to heaven. After Brett Favre enters the pearly gates, God takes him on a tour. He shows him a little two-bedroom house with a faded Packers banner hanging from the front porch and says, “This is your house, Brett. You know, most people don’t get their own houses up here.”
Favre looks at the house, then turns around and looks at the one sitting on top of the hill. It’s a huge two-story mansion with Minnesota flags lining both sides of the sidewalk and a huge Vikings banner hanging between the marble columns.
Favre says, “Hey! How come I get this little two-bedroom house, and Randall Cunningham gets a huge mansion?”
God says, “That’s not Cunningham’s house, it’s mine.”
Three souls appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. St. Peter asked the first one, “What was your last annual salary?” The soul replied, “$200,000; I was a trial lawyer.” St. Peter asked the second one the same question. The soul answered, “$95,000; I was a realtor.” St. Peter then asked the third soul the same question. The answer was “$8,000.” St. Peter immediately said, “Cool! What instrument did you play?”
A husband and his wife were driving home one night and ran into a bridge abutment and both were killed. They arrived in heaven and found it was a beautiful golf course with a lovely clubhouse and fabulous greens. It was free and only for them, and the husband said, “You want to play a round?”
She said, “Sure.” They teed off on the first hole, and she said, “What’s wrong?”
He said, “You know, if it hadn’t been for your stupid oat bran, we could have been here years ago.”
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the pearly gates. Ahead of him is a guy dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, a leather jacket, and jeans. St. Peter addresses this guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the kingdom of heaven?”
The guy replies, “I am Joe Choen, taxi driver, of Las Vegas.”
St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, “Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the kingdom of heaven.” The taxi driver goes into heaven with his robe and staff, and it is the minister’s turn.
He stands erect and booms out, “I am Joseph Snow, pastor of St. Mary’s for the last forty-five years.”
St. Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the kingdom of heaven.”
“Just a minute,” says the minister. “That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?”
“Up here, we work by results,” says St. Peter. “While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed.”
This guy’s father dies, and he tells the undertaker he wants to give his dad the very best. So they have the funeral, and the undertaker sends him a bill for $16,000. He pays it. A month later he gets a bill for $85, which he pays. The next month there’s another $85 bill, and the next month there’s another. Finally the guy calls up the undertaker. The undertaker says, “Well, you said you wanted the best for your dad, so I rented him a tux.”
A man died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment. As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the gates of heaven. Others were led over to Satan, who threw them into the burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile.
After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow’s curiosity got the best of him. So he strolled over and asked Satan, “Excuse me, prince of darkness. I’m waiting in line for judgment, and I couldn’t help wondering why you’re tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the fires of hell with the others?”
“Ah, those,” Satan said with a groan. “They’re all from Seattle. They’re too wet to burn yet.”
This couple is killed the night before their wedding. They go to heaven, and they ask St. Peter if they can be married.
St. Peter says, “Okay. I’ll come and get you when we can do that.”
Ten years later, he tells the couple, “Okay. We can have your wedding now.”
So they get married, and there’s a minister and flowers and nice music and all, but pretty soon they realize they made a mistake.
They go to St. Peter and say they want a divorce. St. Peter says, “Okay. I’ll come and tell you when we can do that.”
The couple asks how long it will it take. And St. Peter says, “It took ten years to get a preacher up here. Who knows how long it’s going to be before a lawyer shows up!”
Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in purgatory being sized up by God. “Well, Bill, I’m going to let you decide where you want to go.” Bill replied, “Well, thanks, God. What’s the difference between the two?” God said, “I’m willing to let you visit both places briefly to help you make a decision.” Bill said, “Okay, then, let’s try hell first.”
So Bill went to hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. “This is great!” he told God. “If this is hell, I really want to see heaven!” “Fine,” said God, and off they went.
Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as hell. Bill thought for a moment and then said, “Hmm, I think I prefer hell.” “Fine,” replied God, “as you desire.” So Bill Gates went to hell. Two weeks later, God decided to check up on him.
When God arrived in hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. “How’s everything going, Bill?” God asked. Bill responded, his voice full of anguish and disappointment, “This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can’t believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?”
God said, “That was the screen saver.”
Three nurses die and go up to heaven. And St. Peter says, “So, tell me—what did you do with your life?” The first nurse says, “Well, I worked in an emergency room, and it was really challenging. But we were able to help some people and I think that’s worthwhile.” St. Peter says, “That’s fabulous— come on in. I hope you enjoy heaven.”
And St. Peter turns to the second nurse and says, “So, what did you do with your life?” And the nurse says, “I worked in a hospice, and it was a little depressing, since everyone dies. But we were kind to people and I think that’s worthwhile.” St. Peter says, “That’s great. Come on in—I hope you enjoy heaven.”
Then he faces the remaining nurse and says, “So, what did you do with your life?” And the nurse says, “For the last years of my life, I worked as a managed-care nurse for an HMO.” St. Peter wrinkles his brow and pulls out a calculator, a whole set of manuals, and a pencil. He spends time writing and scrunching up pieces of paper, and then looks up and says, “I can approve you for a five-day stay.”
Man: Is this the mortuary? Listen. You better make arrangements for a funeral. My wife passed away.
Funeral director: What?! Your wife died two years ago.
Man: I got married again.
Funeral director: Oh! Congratulations!
A bunch of salesmen went to the funeral of another salesman. They looked down at him in his coffin.
“Gosh, he looks terrible. What did he have?”
“North Dakota, South Dakota, western Minnesota…”
A young woman saw a funeral procession going by. There was a black hearse, followed by an older woman leading a pit bull on a leash, and after that was another hearse, and behind that was a line of two hundred women walking single file. The young woman walked up to the older woman and said, “I’m sorry to intrude on your moment of grief, but I can’t help asking, whose funeral is this?”
The woman said, “Well, my husband is in that hearse up there. The pit bull killed him when it discovered him with his girlfriend. She’s in that hearse back there.”
The young woman said, “Can I borrow that dog?”
The old woman replied, “Get in line.”
So this guy dies and goes to heaven and St. Peter takes him down the hall past a number of doors and then St. Peter stops and says, “You have to be very very quiet going past that door. That’s where the Mormons are, and they think they’re the only ones here.”