How many angels can fit in a Honda?
All of them. For it is written: “All of my angels shall sing my praises in one ACCORD.”
Michelangelo was bored as he was lying on the scaffolding high in the air painting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel when a woman came into the chapel to pray.
He whispered, “I am Jesus Christ,” and his voice echoed in the room. The woman kept praying. Michelangelo said again, “I am Jesus Christ,” and the woman said, “Be quiet. I’m talking to your mother.”
So these four rabbis were arguing theology together, and it was three against one, so the odd rabbi cried out to heaven: “O, God! I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Send a sign to prove it to them!”
Suddenly there was a big black storm cloud in the sky above the four rabbis. The dissenting rabbi said, “A sign from God! See, I’m right, I knew it!” But the other three said that one storm cloud meant nothing.
So the rabbi prayed for a bigger sign. This time four storm clouds and a bolt of lightning.
“SEE?” cried the rabbi, but the other rabbis said, “So? Eh? Lightning schmightning.” Just then the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep voice said, “HEEEE’S RIIIIGHT!!”
The rabbi said, “Well?”
“So?” said the other rabbis, “Now it’s three to two.”
What did God say when he first saw Niagara Falls? “Oh, my Self!”
A Unitarian meeting may seem strange to outsiders. Everybody sings “Praise Be to Whom It May Concern” and then somebody speaks and nobody listens, and then everybody disagrees. And if you disagree, then you’ll fit right in.
A young Unitarian was visiting a Christian church when the pastor asked if she was saved. She said, “In my church, we try not to get lost.”
A Unitarian is just a Quaker with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Why is a Unitarian Universalist congregation like granola?
When you take away all the fruits and all the nuts, all you have left are flakes!
A group of school children were trying to decide whether the pet rabbit was a boy or a girl. The Unitarian child said, “Let’s take a vote on it.”
A Catholic church, a synagogue and a Unitarian society all caught fire. Before the fire trucks got there, the priest dashed in and saved the consecrated Host, the rabbi dashed in to save the Torah scrolls, and the Rev. Nancy Smith dashed in to save the coffeemaker and the photocopier.
Why did the Unitarian cross the road?
To support the chicken in its search for its own path.
The children in the Unitarian church school were drawing pictures. One girl said, “I’m going to draw a picture of God.” The teacher said, “But nobody knows what God looks like.
“They will when I get done with my picture.”
A woman went into a fabric store and asked the clerk for nine yards of material to make a nightgown. The clerk said, “Nine yards is way too much material for a nightgown.” The woman said, “I know, but my husband is Unitarian and he would rather seek than find.”
The young minister was asked by a funeral director to conduct a graveside service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The cemetery was way back in the country, and the minister got lost. Finally, he saw the backhoe in the field and the gravediggers standing by, but no hearse was in sight. He dashed over to the grave and saw the vault lid was already in place. He opened up his Bible and began to preach. He preached about God’s mercy and the parable of the Prodigal Son and the hope of the Resurrection, and then he bowed his head in prayer. And one of the workers said, “I ain’t never seen anything like this before…and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
So the three skunks went to church. The priest made them sit in their own pew.
One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, “I’m not going.” “Why not?” she asked. “I’ll give you two good reasons,” he said. “One, they don’t like me, and two, I don’t like them.” His mother replied, “I’ll give you two good reasons why you should go to church. One, you’re 59 years old, and two, you’re the pastor!”
Jesus and his disciples were walking around one day, when Jesus said, “The Kingdom of Heaven is like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9.” The disciples looked very puzzled, and finally asked Peter, “What on earth does Jesus mean—the Kingdom of Heaven is like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9?” Peter said, “Don’t worry. It’s just another one of his parabolas.”
An old man was dying. He sent for his accountant and his lawyer to come and sit by his bed as he died. Jesus had died between two thieves, and that’s how he wanted to go, too.
Two nuns were shopping in a food store and happened to be passing the beer and liquor section. One asks the other if she would like a beer. The other nun answered that would be good, but that she would be uneasy about purchasing it. The first nun said that she would handle it and picked up a six pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier had a surprised look and the first nun said, “The beer is used for washing our hair.” The cashier, without blinking an eye, reached under the counter and put a package of pretzels in the bag with the beer, saying, “Here, don’t forget the curlers.”
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi challenged each other to a preaching contest. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and try to convert it. Two days later, they got together to discuss the experience. Father Flannery said, “Well, I read to him from the Catechism and then I sprinkled him with holy water and Holy Mary Mother of God he was gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.” Reverend Billy Bob said, “Well, I read to my bear from God’s HOLY WORD! And I took HOLD of him and wrestled him down to the creek. And I DUNKED him and BAPTIZED him and he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus.” They both looked down at the rabbi, who was in a body cast. The rabbi said, “Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.”
Abe and his friend Sol are out for a walk. They pass a Catholic church with a sign out front that reads “$1,000 to Anyone Who Converts.” Sol decides to go inside and see what it’s all about. Abe waits outside. Hours go by. Finally, Sol emerges. “So?” says Abe. “What happened?” “I converted,” says Sol. “No kidding!” says Abe. “Did you get the thousand bucks?” Sol says, “Is that all you people think about?”
Did you hear about the pastor who used to be a dairy farmer? Before he heard the call, he used to call the herd.
Why was there only bread and wine at the Last Supper?
It was a potluck and only men were invited.
At 50 below, your spit freezes before it hits the ground, and at 65 below, Jehovah’s Witnesses stick to your screen door.
What is the definition of Unitarian diversity?
Three colors of Subarus in the parking lot.
In a Unitarian church, the only time you hear the words, “Jesus Christ,” is when the janitor falls down the steps.
Arguing with a Unitarian is like wrestling in the mud with a pig. After a while, you realize that they enjoy it!
Have you heard of the Unitarian Universalism?
That’s where all your answers are questioned.
The preacher went to the bedside of a man who was seriously ill in the hospital. He said to the family, “Take a break. I’ll sit here with Brother Jones.” He went over close to the bed, and the family went out to take a much-needed break. Suddenly, he saw that the man was rapidly fading. He couldn’t talk, and was trying to make signals and wave his arms, so the preacher gave him a pencil and paper, and the man scribbled something down, and then he died. The family came back in, and the preacher said, “Well, I’m sorry to tell you that he’s gone. It’s a good thing I was here to comfort him in his last moments. Let’s grieve together.” And they did for a while. Finally the preacher said, “And one more thing. He wrote a note. It was something, obviously, that he really wanted you to know in the last moment of his life.” He opens the note and reads: “Please get off my oxygen tube!”
If a Jewish boy marries a Catholic girl, what music do they play at the wedding?
Oy Vey Maria.
The preacher said to his congregation, “I want everybody who wants to go to heaven to stand up.” Everyone stood up, except for one old man in the front. So he said, “I said, I want everyone who wants to go to heaven to stand up!” The old man in the front row remained seated. Finally, the preacher said, “Brother Williams, I said, everybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up!”
And the old man said, “Oh, I’m sorry. I thought you were getting together a group to go now.”
What do you call Jews who adopt Minnesota culture?
Jewtherans. They have a lot of angst, but they can’t talk about it.
The minister raises his hands and says: “we are but dust…” The little girl turns to her mother and says, “Mother, what is butt dust?”
So the Zen master said to the hot dog vendor, “Make me one with everything.” So, the hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen master, who pays with a $20 bill. The hot dog vendor puts the bill in the cash drawer and closes the drawer. “Where’s my change?” asks the Zen master. And the hot dog vendor says, “Change must come from within.”
What’s a transistor?
A priest who wears nun’s clothes.
Jesus needed a new robe so he went to Finkelstein, the Tailor, who made him a beautiful robe. Perfect fit. Jesus asked how much He owed but Finkelstein said, “No, no, no, for the Son of God? There’s no charge. But when you give a sermon, perhaps you could mention that your nice new robe was made by Finkelstein, the Tailor.” So Jesus did, and hundreds of people went to Finkelstein for their new robes, and so he offered Jesus a partnership. They thought of calling it Jesus & Finkelstein, but then they decided on Lord & Taylor.
Three men went to their seats at the football game and there were a couple of nuns sitting ahead of them. The men wanted to drink beer and swear at the referees and not be scolded by nuns, so they decided to badger the nuns and get them to move. One guy said, “I think I’m going to move to Utah, there are only 100 Catholics living there…” The second said, “I want to go to Montana, there are only 50 Catholics there…” The third guy said, “I want to go to Idaho, there are only 25 Catholics living there…”
One of the nuns turned around and said, “Why don’t you go to hell? There aren’t any Catholics there.”
Why is it dangerous to upset a Unitarian? He might burn a question mark in your front lawn.
Why are Unitarians such bad singers?
Because they’re always reading ahead in the hymnal to see if they agree with it.
In the Unitarian church there are only four commandments. The other six are suggestions.
What do you get when you cross a Unitarian with a Jehovah’s Witness?
Someone out knocking on doors for no apparent reason.
What do you call a schizophrenic Zen Buddhist?
A person who is at two with the universe.
The Pope is visiting town and all the residents are dressed up in their best Sunday clothes. Everyone lines up on main street hoping for a personal blessing from the Pope.
One local man has put on his best suit and he’s sure the Pope will stop and talk to him. He is standing next to an exceptionally down-trodden looking bum who doesn’t smell very good. As the Pope comes walking by he leans over and says something to the bum and then walks right by the local man.
He can’t believe it, then it hits him. The Pope won’t talk to him, he’s concerned for the unfortunate people: the poor and feeble ones. Thinking fast, he gives the bum $20 to trade clothes with him. He puts on the bum’s clothing and runs down the street to line up for another chance for the Pope to stop and talk to him. Sure enough, the Pope walks right up to him this time, leans over close and says, “I thought I told you to get the hell out of here.”
The drunk went into the Catholic church to do the Stations of the Cross but he did them backwards and the priest found him looking at the first one and crying. The man said, “I’m just so happy that he survived and he’s getting his strength back.”
Jesus and Satan were at their computers, writing reports and doing spreadsheets, and suddenly lightning flashed and thunder rolled, the power went off. And when it came back on, Satan bowed his head and wept because he’d lost everything, but Jesus had no problem because Jesus saves.
Mother Teresa died and went to heaven. God met her and asked if she was hungry. Mother Teresa said, “I could eat,” so God opens a can of tuna and some rye bread and they share it. As she ate, Mother Teresa looked down into Hell and saw the people there eating huge steaks, lobsters, expensive wine, flaming desserts. Mother Teresa said, “I’m really glad to be in heaven, God, but why do we just eat tuna and rye bread while down in Hell they’re eating like kings?” God said, “Well, for just two people, why bother to cook?”
A Jewish student was doing well in school in all subjects except for math. So his parents decide to send him to a private Catholic school.
While there, the boy came home from school and studied every day. At the end of the term, the boy got straight As. So his parents ask him, “What motivated you to do so well in school?”
He replied, “When I saw that guy nailed to a plus sign I knew they weren’t fooling around!”
Did you hear about the married Amish woman who also had a lover?
She liked two Mennonite.
Did you hear about the Talking Jewish Mother Doll?
You pull the string and it says, “Again with the string!”
Going into church one day, a man looking for a place to sit asked a lady: “Is the seat next to you saved?” To which she replied, “No, but I’m praying for it.”
The first Jewish President is elected. He calls his mother: “Mama, I’ve won the election, you’ve got to come to the Inauguration.”
“I don’t know, what would I wear?”
“Don’t worry, I’ll send you a dressmaker.”
“But I only eat kosher food!”
“Mama, I am going to be President, I can get you kosher food.”
“But how will I get there?”
“I’ll send a limo. Just come, mama!”
“Okay, okay, if it makes you happy.”
The great day comes and Mama is seated between a Supreme Court Justice and the former Vice President. She nudges them and says, “You see that boy, the one with his hand on the Bible? His brother’s a doctor!”
So the little old Jewish woman is walking down the street in the garment district, and a flasher comes toward her and he whips open his raincoat and she looks over and says, “You call that a lining?”
We know Jesus was Jewish because he went into his father’s business, he lived at home until he was 33, and his mother thought he was God. On the other hand, he could’ve been Irish because he never got married, he never held a steady job, and his last request was for something to drink. On the other hand, he had a Puerto Rican name.
What do you call ultra-orthodox Jewish farmers?
Hayseedim.
A sign at the Unitarian Church said: “Bible study at 7:00— bring your bible and a pair of scissors.”
The Episcopal priest stands up to start the Sunday services and his microphone falls apart. He says, “There’s something wrong with this mike…” And the people respond “And also with you…”
Why can’t Episcopalians play chess?
They can’t tell the difference between a bishop and a queen.
Why are we quiet in church?
Because people are sleeping.
How do you join the choir?
You go into the church looking for the AA meeting and you go into the wrong room by mistake and they’re so happy to see you that you don’t dare leave.
Why don’t Lutherans smoke?
Their butts can’t fit in the ashtray.
How do we know that Adam was a Lutheran?
Who else could stand beside a naked woman and be tempted by a piece of fruit?
Lutherans get rid of squirrels by baptizing them and making them members. That way, they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, “That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys.”
In Orthodox families, the man makes the coffee because in Scripture it says, “Hebrews.”
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. “If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, ‘Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.’” One of them turned to the other and said, “You be Jesus!”
God was talking to one of his angels. He said, “Boy, I just figured out how to rotate Earth so it creates this really incredible twenty-four-hour period of alternating light and darkness.” The angel said, “What are you going to do now?” God said, “Call it a day.”
So Moses was talking with God, and Moses said, “Wait a minute. Let me get this straight. They get to keep the oil, and we cut off the tip of our what?”
What do you get when you cross a Lutheran and a Buddhist?
Someone who sits up all night worrying about nothing.
God calls up the Pope. “I’ve got some good news and some bad news,” God says. “I’ve decided that there should be one church and one religion. No more confusion.”
The Pope says, “That’s wonderful.”
God says, “The bad news is, I’m calling from Mecca.”
Eve, in the Garden of Eden, said, “God, I have a problem. It’s a beautiful garden, but I’m lonely and I’m sick of eating apples.”
“Okay,” God said. “I’ll create a man for you.”
Eve said, “What’s a man?”
“He’s a creature with aggressive tendencies and an enormous ego who doesn’t listen and gets lost a lot, but he’s big and strong, he can open jars and hunt animals, and he’s fun in bed.”
“Sounds great!” said Eve.
“There’s just one other thing. He’s going to want to believe I made him first.”
“I’m lonely,” Adam told God in the Garden of Eden. “I need to have someone around for company.”
“Okay,” replied God. “I’ll give you the perfect companion. She is beautiful, intelligent, and gracious—she’ll cook and clean for you and never say a cross word.”
“Sounds great,” Adam said. “But what’s she going to cost?”
“An arm and a leg,” answered God.
“That’s pretty steep,” replied Adam. “What can I get for a rib?”
A guy goes into confession and says to the priest, “Father, I’m eighty years old, married, have four kids and eleven grandchildren, and last night I had an affair and I made love to two eighteen-year-old girls. Both of them. Twice.”
And the priest says, “Well, my son, when was the last time you were at confession?”
“Never, Father, I’m Jewish.”
“So then, why are you telling me?”
“I’m tellin’ everybody!”
One morning the devil decided to go to church. He appeared suddenly, just before the offering, in a shower of flame and sparks and smoke. He ran up and down the aisle screaming, and all of the congregation ran out except for an old man sitting in back. The devil leaned over him, shook his spear, let out a ferocious roar, and cried, “I am Satan, Beelzebub, the Prince of Darkness. I am evil incarnate. Do you not fear me?”
The old man said, “Why should I? Been married to your sister for forty-eight years.”
What were the last words spoken at the Last Supper?
“Everyone who wants to be in the picture, get on this side of the table.”
Jesus was walking through the streets, and he noticed a group of people throwing stones at an adulteress. He stopped and said to the crowd, “Let the one who is without sin cast the first stone.” All of a sudden, a big stone came out of the crowd and hit the woman right on the head. Jesus stopped, taken aback, then looked up and said, “Mom…!”
Every year, St. Peter conducted a tour down on earth. “This year,” he told the Virgin Mary, “I’m going to survey all your shrines and compare them to the shrines I’ve seen in previous years.” He took his tour and visited shrines around the world before he came back to heaven and reported to Mary, “I’ve got great news! There are more people at your shrines than anyone else’s. But I noticed one thing—every single statue portrayed you with a sad expression on your face. Why is that?” And Mary said, “You might not understand my feelings.” And St. Peter said, “Now, Mary, I’ve had many people tell me their innermost feelings—can’t you open up to me?” And Mary said, “Well, you see, Peter…I really wanted a girl.”
This guy goes into his barber, and he’s all excited. He says, “I’m going to go to Rome. I’m flying on Alitalia and staying at the Rome Hilton, and I’m going to see the Pope.” The barber says, “Ha! Alitalia is a terrible airline, the Rome Hilton is a dump, and when you see the Pope, you’ll probably be standing in back of about 10,000 people.”
So the guy goes to Rome and comes back. His barber asks, “How was it?”
“Great,” he says. “Alitalia was a wonderful airline. The hotel was great. And I got to meet the Pope.”
“You met the Pope?” said the barber.
“I bent down to kiss the Pope’s ring.”
“And what did he say?”
“He said, ‘Where did you get that crummy haircut?’”
Why was Isaac twelve years old when God called Abraham to sacrifice his son?
Because if he had been a teenager, it wouldn’t have been a sacrifice.
A guy enters the monastery. He has to take a vow of silence, but once a year he can write a word on the chalkboard in front of the head monk. The first year it’s tough not to talk, but Word Day comes around and the monk writes “The” on the chalkboard. The second year is painful—it’s very difficult not to talk—but finally Word Day rolls around. The monk scratches “food” on the chalkboard and enters his third year, which is excruciating. But the monk struggles through it, and when Word Day rolls around again, he writes “stinks.” And the head monk says, “What’s with you? You’ve been here for three years and all you’ve done is complain.”
This man went to his rabbi and said, “I’m very troubled by my son. He went away and he came back a Christian.”
The rabbi said, “You know, it’s funny you say that. My son, too, left home and came back a Christian.”
They decided to pray about it, and God said, “You know, it’s funny you say that…”
Do you think that Moses led the Israelites through the desert for forty years because God was testing him, or because he wanted them to really appreciate the promised land when they finally got there, or was it because Moses refused to ask anybody for directions?
A man was praying to God. He said, “God?”
God responded, “Yes?”
And the guy said, “Can I ask a question?”
“Go right ahead,” God said.
“God, what is a million years to you?”
God said, “A million years to me is only a second.”
“Hmm,” the man wondered. Then he asked, “God, what is a million dollars worth to you?”
God said, “A million dollars to me is as a penny.”
So the man said, “God, can I have a penny?”
And God said, “Sure!... Just a second.”
Abraham decided to upgrade his PC to Windows ’95 and Isaac couldn’t believe it. He said, “Dad, your old PC doesn’t have enough memory.” And Abraham said, “My son, God will provide the RAM.”
Three older Jewish mothers were sitting on a park bench in Miami Beach talking about how much their sons love them. Sadie said, “You know the Manet painting hanging in my living room? My son, Irving, bought that for me for my seventy-fifth birthday. What a good boy he is, and how much he loves his mother.”
Gertie said, “You call that love? You know that new Cadillac I just got for Mother’s Day? That’s from my son Bernie. What a doll.”
Golda, in turn, replied, “That’s nothing. You know my son Stanley? He’s in analysis with a psychotherapist on Park Avenue. Five sessions a week—and what does he talk about? Me.”
The Lutheran minister is driving down to New York, and he’s stopped in Connecticut for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and sees an empty wine bottle on the floor. He asks, “Sir, have you been drinking?”
And the minister says, “Just water.”
The sheriff says, “Then why do I smell wine?”
The minister looks down at the bottle and says, “Good Lord, he’s done it again!”
So Tommy goes into a confessional and says, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.”
The priest says, “Is that you, Tommy?”
“Yes, Father, it is I.”
“Who was the woman you were with?”
“I cannot tell you, Father, for I do not wish to ruin her reputation.”
“Was it Brenda?”
“No, Father.”
“Was it Fiona?”
“No, Father.”
“Was it Ann?”
“No, Father.”
“Very well, Tommy. Go say five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys.”
Tommy goes back to his pew, and his buddy Sean slides over and asks, “What happened?”
And Tommy says, “I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys, and three good leads.”
The Jewish mother’s telegram: “Begin worrying. Details follow.”
A nun comes into the office of the mother superior and whispers, “Mother Superior, we…uh…we have discovered a case of syphilis.”
“Wonderful. I was getting tired of the Chablis.”
A maitre d’ goes over to a middle-aged Jewish couple eating in his restaurant. He asks them, “Is anything all right?”
Why did the Amish couple get divorced?
He was driving her buggy.
What goes CLOP CLOP CLOP, BANG BANG, CLOP CLOP CLOP?
An Amish drive-by shooting.
Why don’t Amish people water-ski?
The horses would drown.
A pastor skips services one Sunday to go bear hunting in the mountains. As he turns the corner along the path, he and a bear collide. The pastor stumbles backwards, slips off the trail, and begins tumbling down the mountain with the bear in hot pursuit. Finally, the pastor crashes into a boulder, sending his rifle flying in one direction and breaking both of his legs. The pastor is lying there; he’s lost his gun, and the bear is coming closer. So he cries out in desperation, “Lord, I repent for all I’ve done. Please make this bear a Christian.” The bear skids to a halt at the pastor’s feet, falls to its knees, clasps its paws together, and says, “Lord, I do thank you for the food I am about to receive.”
Three couples—an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple, and a young newlywed couple—wanted to join a Baptist church. The pastor says, “We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.”
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor goes up to the elderly couple and asks, “Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?”
The old man replies, “No problem at all, Pastor.”
“Congratulations! Welcome to the church!” says the pastor.
The pastor goes to the middle-aged couple and asks, “Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?”
The man replies, “The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights, but, yes, we made it.”
“Congratulations! Welcome to the church,” says the pastor.
The pastor then goes to the newlyweds and asks, “Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?”
“Well, Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks,” the young man replies.
“What happened?” inquires the pastor.
“My wife was reaching for a lightbulb on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I couldn’t help myself, and we had sex right there on the floor.”
The pastor says, “Well, then, you’re not welcome in the Baptist church.”
“That’s okay,” says the young man. “We’re not welcome at the grocery store anymore either.”
The preacher was dissatisfied with how little his congregation put in the collection plates on Sundays, so he learned hypnosis. He began preaching his sermons in a monotone. He swung a watch slowly in front of the lectern, and at the end of the sermon he said, “Give!” and the collection plate was full of twenty-dollar bills. It worked for weeks. The congregation sat mesmerized during the sermon, staring at the watch swinging, and when he said, “Give!” they gave everything they had. Then one Sunday, at the end of the sermon, the chain on the watch broke, and the preacher said, “Oh, crap!”
This woman is visiting in Israel and notices that her little travel alarm needs a battery. She looks for a watch repair shop but she doesn’t read Hebrew. Finally she sees a shop with clocks and watches in the window and goes in and hands the man her clock.
He says, “Madam, I don’t repair clocks. I am a rabbi. I do circumcisions.”
She says, “Why all the clocks in the window?”
And he says, “And what should I have in my window?”
A bum walked up to the Jewish mother on the street and said, “Lady, I haven’t eaten in three days.”
And the lady replied, “Try, honey. Force yourself.”
The drag queen walks into a Catholic church as the priest is coming down the aisle swinging the incense pot. And he says to the priest, “Oh, honey, I love your dress, but did you know your handbag’s on fire?”
This old guy was dying, and he said to his wife, “Honey, call for a priest.” And she said, “But Sam, we’re Jewish.”
And he said, “What? I should make the rabbi sick?”
A little boy and his grandmother were walking along the seashore when a huge wave appeared out of nowhere and swept the child out to sea. The grandmother, horrified, falls to her knees and says, “God, please return my beloved grandson. Please, I beg of you. Send him back safely.” And, lo, another huge wave washed in and deposited the little boy on the sand at her feet. She picked him up, looked him over, and, looking up at the sky, said, “He had a hat!”
What’s the difference between Jews and Christians?
Jews get really angry, but Christians just get a little cross.
What is 666?
That’s the number of the beast.
And 668?
The next-door neighbor of the beast.
What’s 666-point-00000?
That’s the high-precision beast. And zero-point-666 is the Millibeast.
And 1-900-666-6666 is where you can call and talk to a beast, live, one-on-one.
And $665.95 is the retail price of the beast.
$699.25 with 5 percent sales tax.
$769.95 with all accessories.
Why was Jesus born in a manger?
Because Mary belonged to an HMO.
Son: Mom, hi. How are you? How’s everything in Florida?
Mom: Not too good. I’ve been very weak.
Son: Why are you weak?
Mom: Never mind.
Son: What’s wrong?
Mom: Never mind. It’s okay.
Son: Why are you weak, Mom?
Mom: I haven’t eaten in thirty-eight days.
Son: That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in thirty-eight days?
Mom: Because I didn’t want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call.
A new pastor was out visiting his parishioners one Saturday afternoon. All went well until he came to one house.
Although it was obvious someone was home, no one came to the door, even after he had knocked several times. Finally, he pulled out his card, wrote “Revelation 3:20” on the back, and stuck it in the door.
The next day as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was the notation “Genesis 3:10.”
Revelation 3:20 reads: “Behold I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me.”
Genesis 3:10 reads: “And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked.”
A priest and a rabbi had been friends for many years. One evening over a cup of coffee the priest turned to the rabbi and said, “My friend, we’ve known each other for a long time, and there’s something I’ve always wondered. Have you ever tasted ham?”
“Well,” said the rabbi, looking a little sheepish, “I must admit, when I was a very young man and curious, I tasted some ham. Now tell me, my old friend,” the rabbi said, “there’s something I’ve always wondered. Have you ever been with a woman?”
“My friend,” answered the priest, “I must confess, when I was a young man, before I entered the priesthood, yes, I was with a woman.”
The rabbi smiled at the priest and said, “It’s better than ham, isn’t it?”
A man went to church, and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher’s hand and say, “Preacher, I’ll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good.”
The preacher said, “Thank you, sir, but I’d rather you didn’t use that sort of language in the house of the Lord.”
The man said, “I was so damn impressed with that sermon I put $5,000 in the collection plate.”
The preacher said, “No shit?”
A man was so proud of his fancy new Cadillac that he invited a priest, a minister, and a rabbi to come and bless it. The priest approached the auto, sprinkled holy water over it, and chanted in Latin. The minister invoked the name of the almighty and led them all in silent prayer. The rabbi sang a psalm and cut off the end of the tailpipe.
Hyman Goldfarb went to Buckingham Palace to be knighted by the queen. When he knelt for her to put the sword on his shoulder, he was supposed to say something in Latin, but he forgot it.
So instead he said something in Hebrew, a question from the Passover seder, “Ma nishtana ha leila hazeh.”
And the queen turned to her grand chamberlain and said, “Why is this knight different from all other knights?”
Our church is so liberal it’s only open on Tuesdays.
Two bees ran into each other. One asked the other how things were going.
The second bee said, “Really bad. Too much rain. No flowers or pollen.”
The first bee said, “Here’s what you do. Just fly down five blocks and turn left and keep going until you see all the cars. There’s a bar mitzvah going on, and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit. Just wear a yarmulke so they don’t think you’re a WASP.”
A cruise ship sinks and three men make it to a desert island. The first man, a Catholic, kneels down and prays to the Lord to be saved from the island. The second man, a Lutheran, kneels down and prays to the Lord to be saved from the island. The third man, a Jew, says, “Hey. Two years ago I gave a million dollars to the Jewish Federation. Last year I gave two million. This year I pledged three million. Don’t worry, they’ll find me.”
So the voter says to the politician, “I wouldn’t vote for you if you were St. Peter himself.”
“If I were St. Peter himself, you wouldn’t be in my district.”
After church on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, “Mom, I’ve decided I’m going to be a minister when I grow up.”
“That’s okay with us,” the mother said, “but what made you decide to be a minister?”
“Well,” the boy replied, “I’ll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell.”
My son recently took up meditation. At least it’s better than sitting doing nothing.
The Christian family wanted to buy a Christian dog, so they found one that would fetch the Bible. And then when you told the dog to look up First Corinthians, it did it right away. And if you didn’t feel well, the dog would leap up on your lap and put a paw on your forehead and say, “Heel.”
Why do Baptists object to fornication?
They’re afraid it might lead to dancing.
What’s the difference between Baptists and Methodists?
Baptists won’t wave to each other in the liquor store.
You should always invite two Baptists to go fishing with you because if you invite one, he’ll drink all your beer.
Two Baptist ministers are talking about the immorality of the country today, and one of them says, “I didn’t sleep with my wife before I was married. How ’bout you?”
And the other says, “I don’t know. What was her maiden name?”
One of the angels asked God where he was going on vacation. He said, “Not Earth again. That’s for sure. I went there about two thousand years ago, got a Jewish girl pregnant, and they haven’t stopped talking about it since.
Adam and Eve had the perfect marriage. He didn’t have to listen to her talk about men she knew before him, and she didn’t have to put up with his mother.
Adam was the perfect figure of a man, and Eve was indescribably beautiful. So where do all the ugly people come from?
If there had been three wise women who went to Bethlehem, they would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a meal, and brought some practical gifts.
The priest’s bicycle was stolen and he thought somebody in his congregation might have done it, so the next Sunday he preached on the commandment “Thou shalt not steal,” and then he noticed the commandment “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and then he remembered where he had left his bicycle.
A salesman from Budweiser went to the Vatican to get an audience with the pope, and he said, “Holy Father, I’m prepared to give you ten million dollars to change the words of the Lord’s Prayer to ‘give us this day our daily beer.’” The pope refused. “Okay, fifty million.” The pope refused again, and the salesman said, “Okay, here’s my card, call me if you change your mind.” When the salesman left, the pope got on the phone and said, “Monsignor—it’s me. Tell me, when does our contract with General Mills expire?”
The priest was caught fooling around with his housekeeper. Apparently they found his vest in her pantry and her pants in his vestry.
As the prisoner was strapped to the electric chair, the priest said, “Son, is there anything I can do for you?”
The prisoner said, “Yeah, when they pull the switch, I’d like you to hold my hand.”
A scientist wanted to find out once and for all if there was a God, so he built the most powerful computer ever and he accessed all imaginable data banks, all the libraries of the world, science institutes, universities, and scanned in every published book since the invention of the printing press. Finally, he sat down at his keyboard and typed in the question, “Is there a God?” And the computer said, “There is now.”
Do you think it’s okay to have sex before you’re married, Father?
Not if it delays the ceremony.
Why do Jews always answer a question with another question?
Well, and why shouldn’t we?
A Jewish man was seeing a psychiatrist for an eating and sleeping disorder. He said, “I am so obsessed with my mother…. As soon as I go to sleep, I start dreaming, and everyone in my dream turns into my mother. I wake up in such a state, all I can do is go downstairs and eat a piece of toast.”
The psychiatrist replies: “What, just one piece of toast, for a big boy like you?”
A man goes to confession in Amsterdam:
“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”
“What is it, my son?”
“During World War II, I hid a Jew in my attic.”
“Well, that’s not a sin. That’s a good deed.”
“But I made him promise to pay me 20 guilders for every week he stayed.”
“Well, that’s not good, but you did it for a good cause.”
“Okay, but I have one other question.”
“What is that, my son?”
“Do I have to tell him the war is over?”
A man went to the doctor with two black eyes. The doctor said, “These are really bad. Were you in a fight or in an accident?”
The man replied, “I got these in church.”
“In church!” the doctor replied. “How could that happen?”
“Well,” the man explained, “we were kneeling at prayer. When we stood up, I noticed the woman in front of me had her skirt caught in between her butt cheeks. I thought it looked uncomfortable, so I reached over and tugged it out. She turned around and socked me.”
“That explains one black eye,” said the doctor. “How did you get the other one?”
“After she turned back around, I thought about it. I figured she didn’t like what I had done, so I put it back.”