“Is that pornography you’re carrying?”
“I don’t even have a pornograph!”
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her nineties and had never been married. She was a sweet old lady, so the pastor was surprised to see, sitting on the keyboard, a condom. He said, “Miss Beatrice, tell me about this.” She said, “I found it on the ground when I was walking through the park and it says it prevents the spread of disease, and do you know I haven’t had the flu all winter?”
What did the bra say to the top hat?
You go on a head I’ll give these two a lift.
“Henry,” the old woman says, “Your fires don’t burn as hot as they used to!” “Martha,” he says, “Your flue don’t draw the way it used to!”
Bumper sticker seen on the tailgate of a rusted pick-up truck: If Dolly Parton was a farmer; she’d be flat busted, too.
“Mrs. Peterson, are you sexually active?”
“No, Doctor, mostly I just lie there.”
My husband took a Viagra and it got stuck in his throat and now he has a stiff neck.
How do they circumcise a whale?
They send down four skin divers.
After checking out all the well-dressed guests at the party, a man spotted an attractive woman standing alone across the room. When he approached and asked her name, she coyly replied, “Carmen.” Trying to maintain some sort of conversation with her, he responded with “That’s beautiful. Is ‘Carmen’ a family name?” “No,” she said. “I gave it to myself, because it reflects the things I like most in the world —cars and men.” Then she asked, “What’s your name?” “Golf-tits,” he replied.
“Do you smoke after sex?”
“I don’t know. I never looked.”
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. The answer is yes!
It’s only premarital sex if you’re intending to get married.
Do you go for casual sex, or should I dress up?
Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
They don’t want to miss it.
The Lord created alcohol so that ugly people can have sex, too.
Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.
According to Sigmund Freud, what comes between fear and sex?
Fünf.
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $1.69 and deer nuts are under a buck.
What did the doe say when she came out of the woods?
Boy, I’ll never do that again for two bucks.
Did you hear about the thieves who stole an entire shipment of Viagra?
Police are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.
An old lady who never married specified in her will that her tombstone say, “Born a virgin, lived a virgin, died a virgin.” That was too many words to put on the stone so they just wrote, “Returned unopened.”
A psychologist did a study of 300 people and their sex lives. Some of them said they had sex almost every night, others said they had sex once a week, and others said they had sex once or twice a month. One man said he had sex only once a year. The psychologist felt bad for him and went over, patted him on the back, and said, “That’s too bad. I’m really sorry for you.” The man grinned up at him and said, “Yes, but tonight’s the night.”
“Hi. Couldn’t help but notice the book you’re reading.”
“Yes, it’s about finding sexual satisfaction. It’s interesting. Did you know that, statistically, American Indian and Polish men are the best lovers? By the way, my name is Jill. What’s yours?”
“Flying Cloud Kowalski. Nice to meet you.”
Three women were returning to their Hungarian village when they spotted a man, obviously very inebriated, walking ahead of them. As they watched, he stumbled and fell face down into a mud puddle. When they walked up to him, one woman turned him over to see if she recognized him. However, his face was so covered with mud she couldn’t tell, so she bent over and unzipped his pants. She remarked, “Well, he’s not my husband.”
The second woman, peering over the first woman’s shoulder, agreed, “You’re right, he’s not your husband.”
The third woman, somewhat older than the other two, bent over to look and said, “He’s not even from our village.”
Three women go out to a nightclub to see male dancers. One of the women wants to impress the others, so she pulls out a $10 bill and waves the dancer over. She licks the $10 bill and sticks it to his left buttock. Not to be outdone, the second woman pulls out a $20 bill, licks it, and slaps it on the other cheek. The dancer looks down at the third woman and raises his eyebrows. Thinking for a minute, she reaches into her purse. She pulls out her ATM card, swipes it down the crack, grabs the $30, and goes home.
A man goes into a restaurant. A beautiful waitress comes over to serve him and asks what he would like. He says, “I want a quickie.”
She slaps him and says, “Just give me your order, mister!”
Another customer leans over and says, “I believe that’s pronounced ‘quiche’.”
A dedicated shop steward is at a convention in Las Vegas and decides to go into a brothel. He asks the madam, “Is this a union house?”
“No, it’s not,” she replies.
“So, how much do the girls earn?” the union man asks.
“Well, if you pay me $100, the house gets $80 and I pay the girl $20.”
The man says, “That’s terrible!” He stomps out. Finally he finds a brothel where the madam says, “Yes, this is a union house.”
“And if I pay you $100, what cut does the girl get?”
“She gets $80.”
“That’s great!” the man says. “I’d like Tiffany.”
“I’m sure you would,” says the madam, “but Ethel here has seniority.”
Did you hear about the guy who had sex with his canary?
Came down with a bad case of chirpies. And the worst thing about it is it’s untweetable.
An old woman is sitting in a rocking chair on her porch, petting her cat, Puff. A fairy appears and says, “I’m here to give you three wishes.”
The old woman says, “I wish I were twenty-one years old and beautiful again.” Poof! She is.
“Now I wish I had a million dollars and this old house were a mansion.” Poof! Done.
“And now, I wish that Puff were the handsomest man in the world and deeply in love with me.”
Poof! Suddenly she’s in the arms of the handsomest man in the world. He kisses her and says, “Darling, aren’t you sorry you had me fixed?”
What is the similarity between Viagra and Disney World? You have to wait an hour for a three-minute ride.
A teenage couple had been dating for a couple of weeks, and the relationship seemed to be going rather well. The young girl told the boy that if he were to come over for dinner, meet the parents, and make a good impression, she would reward him by making love to him.
Well, he was pretty excited, as it would be their first time, and he immediately went down to the local pharmacy to buy some condoms. But, it being his first time, he didn’t know what kind to buy, so he asked the pharmacist for help. The pharmacist spent a good hour discussing the different kinds of condoms, what they do, how to pick a size, etc. He then asked the boy which he would like. To which the boy responded, “Well, being as it is going to be the first time, why don’t I get the family pack.” The pharmacist rang it up and sent him on his way.
Finally the night arrived. Of course the boy was very nervous but was determined to make a good lasting impression on the girl’s parents. Everyone sat down to dinner, and the mother said, “Let us bow our heads and pray.” Everyone bowed their heads and said grace. When they were finished, everyone looked up…except the boy. He continued to bow his head and mumble in prayer. After about twenty minutes, he is still praying and the girl taps him on the leg and whispers, “I never knew you were so religious.” And the boy says, “I never knew your dad was a pharmacist!”
A traveling salesman stops at the nearest farmhouse and asks if he can spend the night. The farmer says okay and tells him he can go upstairs and sleep in the same room as his daughter. The salesman goes upstairs and, as he enters the daughter’s room, notices another salesman in bed with her. “Oh, my God!” he proclaims. “I must be in the wrong joke!”
Mama Stork, Papa Stork, and Baby Stork sat down to dinner and Mama said, “What did you do today, Papa?”
And Papa said, “I was out making someone very happy.”
And Mama said, “I was out making someone very happy, too. What were you doing, Baby?”
And Baby Stork said, “I was out scaring the crap out of college students.”
A lady who lived in a small Minnesota town had two pet monkeys she was very fond of. One of them took sick and died. A couple of days later the other one died of a broken heart. Wishing to keep them, the kindly lady took them to the taxidermist. The man asked her if she would like them mounted. “Oh, no,” she replied, “just have them holding hands.”
Three engineers are arguing about which is better, mechanical, electrical, or civil engineering. The mechanical engineer says, “God must’ve been a mechanical engineer: look at the joints in the human body.” The second says, “No, God must’ve been an electrical engineer: look at the nervous system.” And the third says, “God had to be a civil engineer: who else would’ve run a waste disposal pipeline right through a great recreational area?”
“Mrs. Johnson had quintuplets. Isn’t that something? Did you know that happens only once in four million times?”
“My gosh, when did they ever have time to go to work?”
What do you get when you take Viagra with beans?
A stiff wind.
There were a lot of Viagra jokes a few years ago, but they seem to have petered out.
A woman approaches a man in a bar and says, “Hi. You look lonely. I’ll do anything you want for two hundred dollars.” The guy says, “Okay, how about you paint my house?”
I had an uncle who was so dumb, the closest he ever got to a 4.0 was his blood alcohol content.
My uncle peed in a wheat field once and was arrested for going against the grain.
“Excuse me, would you mind giving up your seat? I’m pregnant.”
“Certainly. But I must say, you don’t look pregnant.”
“Well, it’s only been about half an hour.”
“Daddy, Megan and I want to get married.”
“I see, Danny. Well, how will you support her?”
“I get two dollars allowance each week, and she gets an allowance too.”
“But what if there’s a baby?”
“So far, we’ve been lucky.”
On the chest of a barmaid at Yale,
Were tattooed the prices of ale
And on her behind
For the sake of the blind
Was the same information in Braille
“Son, I think it’s time we talked about sex.”
“Sure, Dad. What do you want to know?”