How do you make a cat sound like a dog?
You pour gasoline on it and light it with a match and it goes, “WHOOOF!”
How do you make a dog sound like a cat?
Put it in the deep freeze for a week, then cut it in half with a circular saw—it goes, “MMEEEEEEOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWW!”
Raggedy Ann was dating the Pillsbury Dough Boy, but then she got a yeast infection.
What’s brown and sits on a piano?
Beethoven’s last movement.
Did you hear about the new movie called “Constipated”?
It hasn’t come out yet.
What’s the most fattening drink?
A martini has about 700 calories, but if you drink enough of them, you don’t keep any of the calories.
The snake pit in the Los Angeles zoo was accidentally filled in. Now the snakes don’t have a pit to hiss in.
Did you hear about the cow who had an abortion?
She was decaffeinated.
A little boy came home crying: “A car hit Jimmy’s dog. Hit him right in the ass.”
His mom said, “No, honey, you mean rectum.”
“Rectum? Almost killed him!”
How does the blind parachutist know when he’s getting close to the ground?
The leash goes slack.
What’s green and red and goes fifty miles per hour?
A frog in a blender.
Why do farts smell?
So that deaf people can enjoy them, too!
So these two cannibals are eating a clown and one says, “Does this taste funny to you?”
Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his brother in the woods one day?
Two cannibals were sitting by a fire and one says, “Gee, I hate my mother-in-law.”
And the other says, “So, try the potatoes.”
Why did the cannibal eat the tightrope walker?
He wanted a balanced meal.
Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school?
He was buttering up his teacher.
Two guys are captured by cannibals. They’re stuck naked in a big pot of water over a fire, and the water gets hotter and hotter. All of a sudden, one guy starts laughing, and the other guy says, “What’s so funny?”
“I just peed in their soup!”
Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, “You know, I just can’t seem to get a tender missionary. I’ve baked them, I’ve roasted them, I’ve stewed them, I’ve barbecued them, I’ve tried every sort of marinade. I just can’t seem to get them tender.”
The second cannibal asks, “What kind of missionary do you use?”
The other replies, “You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist, and they’re sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads.”
“Aha!” the second cannibal replies. “No wonder—those are friars!”
Have you noticed how bad Stan’s breath is?
Are you kidding? It’s so bad, people look forward to his farts!
They announced today that the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are going to merge and form one team called the Tampacks. It may be a mediocre team, though. It’ll only be good for one period and there’ll be no second string.
What do you get when you mix holy water with castor oil?
A religious movement!
What happened to the fly on the toilet seat?
He got pissed off!
A guy walked into a cafe and asked for a bowl of chili. The waitress said, “The guy next to you got the last bowl.” He looks over and sees that the guy’s bowl of chili is full. He says, “If you’re not going to eat that, mind if I take it?” The other guy says, “No, help yourself.” He starts to eat it and about halfway down, his fork hits something. It’s a dead mouse, and he vomits the chili back into the bowl. The other guy says, “That’s about as far as I got, too.”
A woman goes to the store to buy some fishing gear for the weekend. She asks an employee for any suggestions. A blind man who works at the store suggests a rod and reel costing $20. She agrees and moves to the counter to pay for her purchase.
The blind man walks behind the counter to the register. In the meantime the woman breaks wind. At first she is embarrassed, but then she realizes there is no way he could tell it was her. Being blind, he wouldn’t know she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, “That will be $25.50.”
She says, “But didn’t you say it was $20?”
He says, “Yes ma’am. The rod and reel is $20, the duck call is $3, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50.”
He always plays with Pooh.
Did you know diarrhea is hereditary? It runs in your genes.
What’s invisible and smells like carrots?
Rabbit farts.
The Queen was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the royal stables when one of the stallions farted so loudly it couldn’t be ignored. “Oh dear,” said the Queen. “How embarrassing. I’m frightfully sorry about that.”
“It’s quite understandable,” said the Archbishop, adding after a moment, “As a matter of fact, I thought it was the horse.”
Two airline mechanics get off work at LaGuardia, and one says, “Let’s go have a beer.” The other says, “Why don’t we try drinking jet fuel? I hear it tastes like whiskey, and you don’t have any hangover in the morning.” So they drink about a quart of it apiece. It tastes great and they have a good time. The next morning, one of them calls up the other and says, “Hey, how do you feel?”
“I feel great.”
“Me, too. No hangover.”
“Just one thing. Have you farted yet?”
“No”…
“Well, don’t. I’m calling from Phoenix!”
A man walks into his house with a handful of dog turds, and he says to his wife, “Look what I almost stepped in!”
Did you hear about the blind skunk who fell in love with a fart?
What’s the difference between boogers and broccoli? Kids won’t eat broccoli.
There was this woman who had a problem with silent gas. She went to the doctor and she said, “This is so embarrassing. I have this problem of farting silently. You probably haven’t noticed, but I’ve let three of them since I’ve been in this office with you. Is there anything you can do?”
He said, “Yes, but the first thing is to get you fitted for a hearing aid.”
What is the difference between a saloon and an elephant’s fart?
One is a barroom and the other is a BARRRROOOOOOOM!
So, Professor, you’re back from the Rawalpindi archipelago, huh? Discover anything interesting out there?
Yes. The tribe has discovered a kind of palm frond that can be made into suppositories to cure constipation.
Do they really work?
Hey, with fronds like those, who needs enemas?
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
“It’s cute, but can you really breathe through that thing?”
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he got on the plane, he felt the seats and said, “Wow, these seats are big!” The person next to him answered, “Everything is big in Texas.” When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a restaurant. Upon arriving he ordered a drink and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, “Wow, these mugs are big!” The bartender replied, “Everything is big in Texas.”
After a couple of drinks, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, “Second door to the right.” The blind man headed for the bathroom but accidentally tripped and passed by the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which led to the swimming pool, and he fell into the pool. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”
“Gladys, it’s like a miracle. Every night when I get up and go to the bathroom, God turns the light on for me, and when I’m finished, he turns the light off.”
“Harry—you’re doing it in the refrigerator again!”
What was Helen Keller’s favorite color?
Corduroy.
Did you know Helen Keller had a dollhouse in her back yard?
No, and neither did she.
How did Helen Keller drive?
One hand on the wheel and one hand on the road.
Why were Helen Keller’s hands purple?
She heard it through the grapevine.
Why did Helen Keller play the piano with one hand?
Because she sang with the other.
How did Helen Keller burn her ear?
She answered the iron.
How did she burn her other ear?
They called back.
How did Helen Keller burn her fingers?
She tried to read the waffle iron.
Why are Helen Keller’s stockings yellow?
Because her seeing-eye dog can’t see either.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s a woman.
Why do you feel so sophisticated when you’re in the bathroom?
European.
Did you hear about the Easter egg hunt for the Alzheimer’s patients?
They hid their own eggs.
My company put me up in a pretty low-class hotel. I called the front desk and said, “I’ve got a leak in my sink.”
They said, “Go ahead.”
This sailor met a pirate in a bar, and the sailor couldn’t help but notice that the pirate was the worse for wear. He had a peg leg, and a hook, and an eyepatch.
So the sailor asked the pirate how he got the peg leg, and the pirate answered, “Well, matey, I got washed overboard one night while we was in a fierce storm. An’ dern me if a shark didn’t go and bite off me leg.”
Then the sailor asked, “So how’d you get the hook?”
And the pirate answered, “Well, we was in a fierce fight while boarding a ship one time, and that’s when I got me hand cut off.”
Finally, the sailor asked, “So how’d you get the eyepatch?”
And the pirate responded, “A seagull pooped in me eye.”
And the sailor said, “You mean to tell me you lost an eye just because a seagull pooped in it?”
The pirate said, “Well, it was the first day I had me hook.”
What drove the thirty-nine members of Heaven’s Gate to suicide?
You put that many people together, force them to work in Windows ‘95, and it’s bound to happen.
(I heard some of them were UNIX programmers.)
As the drunk said as he leaned over the toilet, “Two beers, coming up!”
This lieutenant was leading his troops into battle, and his sergeant said, “Sir, there’s a whole platoon of enemy coming toward us.”
And the lieutenant said, “All right, sergeant, bring my red shirt. If I should be wounded, I don’t want my men to see the blood and be demoralized.”
The sergeant said, “I forgot to say they have tanks and heavy artillery and…”
The lieutenant said, “Sergeant, bring me my brown pants!”
Four big executives are playing golf together. On the second tee they hear a phone ring, and Michael Eisner reaches into his golf bag, pulls out a cellular phone, and talks to his office awhile.
They play the second hole. On the third tee there’s a little buzz. Warren Buffet puts one finger in his ear and one finger to his mouth and talks. Afterward he explains that he has a tiny microphone installed in one fingernail and a tiny speaker in another, so he can keep in touch with the office. Everyone is impressed.
They play the third hole. On the fourth tee, Ted Turner starts talking—no phone or anything. Afterward he explains that he has a microphone in a filling in his tooth and a speaker in his ear, so he can always talk to the office. They are even more impressed and move on.
Suddenly they see Bill Gates pull his pants down, squat, and reach into his golf bag for a roll of toilet paper. He looks up and says, “It’s okay. I’m expecting a fax.”
Why do airlines say that in case of an emergency water landing, the seat cushions can be used as a floatation device? If we’re going down, my seat cushion’s going to be used as a toilet.
Did you know that in 1553, the Norwegians invented the toilet seat?
Really?
Yeah. Later, the Italians invented the hole in the middle of it.
A county extension agent is visiting a farm and needs to use the toilet, but he remembers that there is no running water. So he runs around back to the outhouse, opens the door, and the hired man is sitting there. But the hired man says, “It’s okay. Come on in, it’s a two-holer.” So the agent goes in and sits down. Soon, the hired man stands up, and as he pulls up his pants, some change tumbles out of his pocket and goes down the hole. The hired man shakes his head, pulls out his wallet, and drops a ten-dollar bill down the hole. The extension agent says, “What did you do that for?” And the hired man says, “Well, I ain’t goin’ down there for just thirty-five cents.”
Do you prefer port or sherry, sir?
Port, by all means. To me, port is the apotheosis of wine. A glass of vintage port is almost orchestral in its complexity, and between the bouquet and the finish, there is such a panoply of colors, of tonal textures. And sherry makes me fart.
The man went to his proctologist and there on the examining table was a tube of K-Y jelly, a pair of rubber gloves, and a bottle of beer.
What’s the beer for?
It’s a butt light.
I was at this banquet and my false teeth were hurting me, so the guy sitting next to me reaches into his pocket and pulls out some dentures, and says, “Try these.” So I do. But they’re too tight. He gives me another set, he says, “Try these.” I try them and they’re fine. I wear them for the rest of the banquet, then I give them back. I say, “Thanks. Lucky for me I was sitting next to a dentist.” He says, “No, I’m an undertaker.”
“I went out with twins last night.”
“Really? Did you have a good time?”
“Well—Yes and no.”
What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
Cliff.
What do you call a man with a spade in his head?
Doug.
What do you call a woman with no arms or legs on a bar-b-que grill?
Patty.
A man with no arms or legs on a bar-b-que grill?
Frank.
What do you call two guys on your wall with no arms and no legs?
Kurt and Rod.
What do you call a man with no arms or legs who lives in a bush?
Russell.
…hanging on the wall?
Art.
…in a swimming pool?
Bob.
. . .in a ditch?
Phil.
What do you call a guy with no feet?
Neil.
What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other?
Eileen.
What if she’s Asian?
Irene.
What’s different about a bulimic’s birthday party?
The cake jumps out of the girl.
How can you tell if a woman is wearing panty hose?
If she farts, her ankles swell.
What did the maxi-pad say to the fart?
“You are the wind beneath my wings.”
How do you make a dog drink?
Put it in a blender.
What goes “Marc! Marc!”?
A dog with a harelip.