Why did Ole sell his water skis?
He couldn’t find a lake with a hill in it.
Ole and Lena were at the drive-in movie. Ole says, “Say Lena, you wanna get in the back seat?”
Lena says, “Naw, Ole, I’d just as soon stay up here with you.”
Ole and Lena walked into a fancy grocery store. “Will you look at that Ole—they got these green fuzzy potatoes.”
“Those aren’t potatoes, Lena. Those are kiwis—what they use to make the shoe polish.”
Sven and Ole were out hunting when there was a terrible accident. Sven accidentally shot Ole. Sven was horrified. He ran to his friend crying, “Ole, Ole, I’ll save you. Hang on until I can get you to the hospital.”
In the emergency room Sven said, “Doctor, Doctor, is Ole going to live?”
The doctor said, “To tell you the truth, he’d have a better chance if you hadn’t gutted him.”
Ole got a job as a diesel fitter.
Is that right?
Ja, every day he went to the ladies’ lingerie department and looked over the underwear until he found something nice and he said, “Yeah, diesel fitter.”
Nurse: Do you want the urinal, Ole?
Ole: No…I yust finished reading da Tribune.
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what happened.
“First body: Frenchman, 80, died making love to his mistress. Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds in the lottery, spent it all on whiskey, died of alcohol poisoning. Third body: Sven, Norwegian from Minnesota, struck by lightning.”
“So why the smile?” the inspector asked.
“He thought he was having his picture taken.”
Ole was the only Lutheran in his little town of all Catholics. That was okay, but the neighbors had a problem with his barbecuing venison every Friday. Since they couldn’t eat meat on Friday, the tempting aroma was getting the best of them. So the neighbors got together and went over and persuaded Ole to join their church. The big day came and the priest had Ole kneel. He put his hand on Ole’s head and said, “Ole, you were born a Lutheran, you were raised a Lutheran, and now,” he said as he sprinkled some incense over Ole’s head, “now you are a Catholic!”
Ole was happy and the neighbors were happy. But the following Friday evening at suppertime, there was again that aroma coming from Ole’s yard. The neighbors went to talk to him and as they approached the fence, they heard Ole saying: “You were born a whitetail deer, you were raised a whitetail, and now,” he said with a sprinkle of seasoning, “now you are a walleye!”
Ole took a flight from Minneapolis to Seattle, and when the plane landed, he said, “Vell, dere goes five dollars down da drain for dat flight insurance!”
Ole was stopped by a game warden in northern Minnesota leaving a lake well known for its walleye. He had two buckets of fish. Since it was during the spawning season, the game warden asked, “Do you have a license to catch those fish?”
Ole replied, “No, sir! Dese here are my pet fish. Every night I take dese fish here down to da lake and let dem svim around for a while. Den I vhistle and dey yump back into dere buckets and I take dem home.
“That’s a bunch of hooey,” said the game warden. “Fish can’t do that.”
Ole said, “Vell, den, I’ll just show you.” Ole poured the fish into the lake and stood waiting.
After several minutes, the game warden turned to Ole and said, “Well?”
“Vell vhat?” responded Ole.
“When are you going to call them back?”
“Call who back?” asked Ole.
“The fish!”
“What fish?”
Ole was upstairs dying and he felt terrible and then he smelled the lefse baking in the kitchen and he thought, Oh that sweet Lena, she’s fixing me lefse, and he went downstairs and took a piece of lefse and Lena reached over and slapped his hand and said, “You leave that alone, I’m baking that for the funeral!”
Lena went to the local newspaper. “I want to put a notice in the paper: ‘Ole died.’”
“That’s terrible,” said the editor. “But don’t you want the full obituary, Lena?”
“No, no,” said Lena, “just a notice: two words: ‘Ole died.’”
“Fine,” said the editor, “but there is a 5 word minimum, so you can say three more words. Is there anything else you might want to say?”
Lena said, “Okay. Make it: ‘Ole died, Boat for sale.’”
Ole was first dating Lena, and he took her to New Ulm. In the restaurant Ole said, “Hey, Lena, would you like a cocktail before dinner?”
“Oh, no, Ole,” said Lena. “What would I tell my Sunday School class?”
After dinner, he said, “Hey, would you like a cigarette?” “Oh, no, Ole,” said Lena. “What would I tell my Sunday School class?”
Ole was driving Lena home when they passed the Romeo Motel. He said, “Hey, Lena, how would you like to stop at that motel with me?”
“Yah, Ole, dot would be nice,” said Lena.
Ole asked, “But vat are you going to tell your Sunday School class?”
“The same ting I always tell them. You don’t have to smoke and drink to have a good time!”
Ole: I need to buy some boards there, Sven.
Sven: How long you want ’em, Ole?
Ole: Long time. I’m building a house, ya know.
Sven asked Ole if he and Lena used anything when they had sex. Ole said, “Ya, for sure, we use Vaseline.”
“Vaseline?” said Sven.
“Yeah,” Ole said, “Vaseline. We put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out.”
Ole and Lena and their little boy Sven go to New York City, and they see amazing things they’ve never seen before, like elevators. Lena takes Sven into a building and there is an elevator. Lena stood and watched—an old man in a wheelchair rolled up to the elevator and pressed a button. The doors opened, the man rolled in, the doors closed, the lights flashed. Then the doors opened again, and a handsome young man walked out. And Lena turned to Sven and said, “Go get your Pa.”
Ole was shipwrecked and lived alone on a desert island for years and finally he was rescued and he showed the rescue party around the island. “Yah. I built myself a house. That’s my house over there. And that over there, that’s my barn. And that building over there, that is my church.”
“And what’s that building back there, Ole?”
“Oh. That. That’s the church I used to go to.”
Ole and Sven go on a fishing trip to Canada and come back with only three fish. Sven says, “The way I figger it, Ole, each of them fish cost us $400.”
Ole says, “Well, at dat price it’s a good ting we didn’t catch any more of ’em than we did.”
Ole came home from work one day and found Lena sitting on the edge of the bed, naked. He asked her, “Lena, why are you sitting there without any clothes on?”
And Lena said, “I don’t have no clothes to wear.”
Ole said, “Don’t be silly—you got lots of clothes.” And he went over to the closet, flung open the door, and said, “Lena, look—here’s a blue dress, here’s a yellow dress, here’s Sven, here’s a flowered dress…”
Lena was competing in the Sons of Norway swim meet. She came in last in the hundred-yard breast stroke, and she said to the judges, “Oh say, I don’t vant to complain, but I tink those other two girls ver using dere arms!”
Sven and Ole went out duck hunting. They worked at it for a couple hours and finally Sven says, “I wonder why aren’t we getting any ducks, Ole?”
“I don’t know,” says Ole. “I wonder if we’re throwing the dog high enough.”
Ole was fishing with Sven in a rented boat. They could not catch a thing. Ole said, “Let’s go a bit furder downstream.” So they did, and they caught many monstrous fish. They had their limit, so they went home. On the way home, Sven said, “I marked da spot right in da middle of da boat, Ole.”
“You stupid,” said Ole. “How do you know ve vill get da same boat next time!”
Did you hear about Ole’s nephew Torvald who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
He had it bronzed.
Ole got a car phone and on his way home on the freeway, he calls up Lena and says, “Oh, Lena, I’m calling you from the freeway on my new car phone.”
And Lena says, “Be careful, Ole, because on the radio they say that some nut is driving the wrong way on the freeway.”
And Ole says, “One nut—heck, there are hundreds of them!”
Ole is hiking in the mountains of Norway, and he slips on a wet rock and falls over the edge of a 500-foot cliff. He falls twenty feet and grabs hold of a bush that’s growing out of a rock. There he is, hanging, looking into this deep fjord down below him—certain death—and his hands start to perspire. He starts to lose his grip on the bush, and he yells out, “Is anybody up there?”
And he hears a deep voice ring out in the fjord, “I’m here, Ole. It’s the Lord. Have faith. Let go of that bush and I will save you.”
Ole looks down, looks up, and says, “Is anyone else up there?”
Ole: Hello? Funeral home?
Funeral home: Yes?
Ole: My wife, Lena, died.
Funeral home: Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. We’ll send someone right away to pick up the body. Where do you live?
Ole: At the end of Eucalyptus Drive.
Funeral home: Can you spell that for me?
Ole: How ‘bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up dere?
So there was a big snowstorm and a snow emergency was declared. Ole had to park his car on the odd-numbered side of the street. Two days later, more snow, and he had to park it on the even-numbered side of the street. The next day, another snowstorm, another snow emergency, odd-numbered side of the street, and Ole said, “Heck, Lena, I’m tired of this. I’m gonna leave the dang car in the garage and if they want to tow it, let ’em tow it.”
Sven and Ole are walking home from the tavern late at night, and they head down the railroad tracks. Sven says, “This is the longest flight of stairs I ever climbed in my life.” And Ole says, “Yeah, it’s not the stairs that bother me, it’s these low railings.”
Ole: Sven, how many Swedes does it take to grease a combine?
Sven: I don’t know, Ole.
Ole: Only two if you run them through real slow.
Sven and Ole go to the beach. After a couple hours, Sven says, “This ain’t no fun. How come the girls ain’t friendly to me?”
Ole says, “Well, I tell you, Sven, maybe if you put a potato in your swim trunks that would help.”
So Sven does, but he comes back to Ole later, and he says, “I tried what you told me with da potato, but it didn’t help.”
Ole says, “No, Sven—you’re supposed to put da potato in da front.”
Sven: So, Ole—I see you got a sign up that says “Boat for Sale.” But you don’t own a boat. All you got is your old John Deere tractor and your combine.
Ole: Yup, and they’re boat for sale.
Ole: Say, I went and bought Lena a piano for her birthday and then about a week later I traded it in for a clarinet, because you know, with a clarinet, you can’t sing.
Lena: I’d better warn you, my husband will be home in an hour.
Henrik: But I haven’t done anything I shouldn’t do.
Lena: I know, but if you’re going to, you’d better hurry up.
“Sven, you should be more careful about pulling down your window shades. I saw you and Lena making love last night.”
“Ha, the joke’s on you, Ole! I wasn’t home last night!”
Ole goes to the doctor and says, “Doc, I got two problems. First, I seen dat Bob Dole on TV talkin’ about how Vigoro can help your sex life dere. So I been dissolvin’ a tablespoon of Vigoro in half a glass of water an’ drinkin’ it before bed every night, but so far it ain’t done me a bit of good.”
And the doctor says, “Ole, that’s supposed to be Viagra. Vigoro ain’t no medicine, it’s just a fertilizer.”
And Ole says, “Oh, vell, dat explains da berries, den.”
Ole: Well, guess what, Lena. I just bought a condominium.
Lena: Well, that’s good, Ole. Now I can throw away my diagram.
The county game warden dies, and Sven and Ole devise a plan that will hopefully land one of them in the position. They flip a coin, and Ole calls it. “You’d be callin’ the mayor, Sven,” he says.
So Sven calls up the mayor and says, “Mayor, I hear the game warden died last night. If it’s all right with you, I’d like to take his place.”
The mayor replies, “It’s all right with me if it’s all right with the undertaker.”
Sven and Ole went fishing and the fish were biting pretty good, and while they were reeling in the fish, Sven he fell out of the boat. And Ole he got his fish in the boat and got the hook out and then he dove in for Sven, and he brought him up and laid him in the boat and he give him mouth to mouth. And Ole he thinks, “Pew, that sure was bad coffee Sven drank this morning.” And then he looks and he says, “Hey, Sven didn’t have a snowmobile suit on when he fell out of the boat…I wonder who this is?”
Lena: Oh, Ole. I’m glad you got home. A burglar broke into the house last night while I was sleeping.
Ole: Did he get anything, Lena?
Lena: He sure did. But only because I thought it was you.
Lena: My two specialties are meatballs and peach pie.
Ole: I see. And which one is this?
Ole: When I die, I want to be buried at sea. Just because Lena keeps saying she’s going to dance on my grave.
Sven: Well, that’s a lovely family, Ole. Five boys. Looks like you got a boy every single time.
Ole: Oh, no, sometimes we didn’t get anything.
Sven: Lena, I hear that Ole’s father and mother were first cousins.
Lena: Ya. That’s why he looks so much alike.
Sven: Working hard, Ole?
Ole: Nope. I’m fooling the boss. I’m carrying the same load of cement up and down the steps all day.
Ole: Hey, Sven! Lookit here. I just bought a rare antique coin. More than two thousand years old. Look, it says 93 B.C. right on the front of it.
Lena: I’m so proud of my two boys. They became pilots. The other guys haul the cow manure out of the barn and my boys pile it.
Did you hear about the skeleton they found in Willmar last week?
Yeah, it was the winner of the 1965 Sons of Norway hide and seek contest.
One day, Sven and Ole were hunting and suddenly a man came running out of the bushes, yelling, “Don’t shoot! Don’t shoot! I’m not a deer!” Ole raised his gun and shot him dead.
Sven said, “Ole, why did you shoot that man? He said he wasn’t a deer!”
Ole answered, “Oh! I thought he said he was a deer!”
So Ole and Lena were going to take a cruise to celebrate their 50th anniversary, and Lena said, “On the boat, I just want to make love like we did when we were young!”
So Ole went to the drugstore and bought a bottle of pills for seasickness and a box of condoms. And the druggist said, “You know, if it makes you that sick, why do it?”
Ole was visiting the Vatican and went to see the Sistine Chapel. The tour guide told him that it took four years to paint the ceiling. Ole said, “Yeah, I used to have a landlord like that myself.”
Sven: So, Ole, I hear that Ole Jr.’s gone to college.
Ole: Yeah, that’s right, Sven.
Sven: So what do you think he’ll be when he graduates?
Ole: Probably about 35 or 40.
Ole was sitting in a coffeeshop in Hinckley when a man he recognized walked in, so he said, “Hey, Larson! Boy, look at you. When I knew you, you had a headful of hair, and now you’re bald and you shaved off your moustache and you’re wearing glasses.”
The guy replies, “I’m Benny Carlson—”
Ole says, “And you changed your name, too!”
Lena: Ole, how come you’re sitting in the living room with no clothes on?
Ole: Well, nobody’s going to come visit me so what does it matter?
Lena: But you got your hat on.
Ole: Well, you never know…
Ole was dying. On his deathbed, he looked up and said, “Is my wife here?”
Lena replied, “Yes, Ole, I’m here, next to you.”
So Ole asks, “Are my children here?”
“Yes, Daddy, we’re all here,” say the children.
“Are my other relatives also here?”
And they say, “Yes, we are all here.”
Ole says, “Then why is the light on in the kitchen?”
Sven: So, Ole, I see you burnt your ears pretty bad. What happened then?
Ole: Well, I was ironing a shirt, you know, and the telephone rang, and I put the iron to my ear.
Sven: Oh, for dumb. And what about the other?
Ole: Well, then I went to call the doctor…
Ole and Lena were celebrating their twenty-fifth anniversary. After the guests left, Lena looked at Ole and punched him real hard in the shoulder. “That’s for twenty-five years of bad sex.”
Ole thinks about it and then reaches over and punches Lena hard in the shoulder, “That’s for knowing the difference!”