How do you know you’re at a redneck wedding?
Everybody is sitting on the same side of the church.
What do you call a Northern Iraqi farmer?
A cheese Kurd.
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, “Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish whiskey”. Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, “Never mind, I found one.”
Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
They never let anyone finish a sentence.
Jewish mother sent a telegram: “Start worrying. Details to follow…”
An elderly Jewish man was brought to the local hospital. A pretty nurse tucks him into bed and says, “Are you comfortable?” He replies, “I make a nice living…”
John and Jane, two American tourists, went to Germany for a vacation. As they were walking through a park they noticed a man urinating in public. The woman, disgusted, said, “Gross!” The German man turned to her and replied, “Danke!”
Chinese civilization goes back 4000 years and Jewish civilization goes back 5000 years. So what did those people eat for a thousand years?
Why do Irishmen like deep sea diving?
Because deep down, they are quite intelligent.
A wagon train got lost crossing the Plains and they’re low on food and they see an old Norwegian sitting under a tree. They stop and ask him, “Is there food around here?” He says, “Well, I don’t know, but I tell you, I wouldn’t go that way — there’s a big bacon tree over that hill.” “A bacon tree?” “Yeah, so I wouldn’t go that way.”
The wagon train talked about it and a bacon tree sounded good to them so they went over the hill and over the next hill and a thousand Indians were waiting for them and attacked them from all sides and took them prisoner except for the leader who went crawling back to the old Norwegian and said, “There was no bacon tree there, just a mob of Indians who took everybody captive.”
The Norwegian said, “Vait a minute.” He picked up his Norwegian-English dictionary and looked through it, and then said, “Oh, it wasn’t a bacon tree. It was a ham bush.”
Why do Norwegians wear suspenders?
To keep their shoulders down.
Did you know that in a bowl of Irish bean soup there are exactly 239 beans?
If there were one more bean, it would be too farty.
The Greek and the Italian were arguing about the superiority of their respective cultures. The Greek said, “We built the Acropolis.” “Well,” the Italian said, “We came up with the Coliseum.” The Greek said, “But we invented advanced mathematics.” The Italian said, “Yes, but, we had the Holy Roman Empire.” The Greek then said, “We invented sex,” and the Italian said, “Yes, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women.”
Where are the Virgin Islands?
Far from the Isle of Man.
What do the show “60 Minutes” and an Irish mother have in common?
They both start with “tsk tsk tsk tsk.”
The teacher asked the little Mexican kid to make up a sentence with the colors green, yellow, and pink in it. He said “The telephone went green, green. I pinked it up and said, ‘yellow.’”
Son: Mama, I have da biggest feet in da third grade. Is dat becoss I’m Norvegian?
Mom: No, it’s because you’re nineteen.
A Frenchman, a German, and a Jew are lost in the desert, wandering for hours. The Frenchman says, “I’m tired. I’m thirsty. I must have wine.”
The German says, “I’m tired. I’m thirsty. I must have beer.”
The Jew says, “I’m tired. I’m thirsty. I must have diabetes.”
A mine owner advertised for new workers and three guys turned up—an Irishman, an Italian, and a Japanese. The owner tells the Irishman, “You’ll be in charge of the mining.” He tells the Italian, “You’ll be in charge of the lift.” He tells the Japanese, “You’ll be in charge of making sure we have supplies.” The next day the three men went into the mine, and at the end of the day one man was missing, the Japanese. They searched for him for hours. Just as they were about to give up, he jumped out from behind a rock yelling, “Supplies! Supplies!”
What do you call a Norwegian under a wheelbarrow?
A mechanic.
What’s the difference between a Norwegian and a canoe?
A canoe will sometimes tip.
What do you call a Norwegian car?
A Fjord.
Did you hear about the Norwegian who lost fifty dollars on the football game?
Twenty-five on the game, and twenty-five on the instant replay.
Did you hear about the Miss Norway Contest where the winner came in third?
I went into this Cajun/Norwegian restaurant. They served blackened toast.
Did you hear about the Finnish husband who loved his wife so much he almost told her?
A Texan was trying to impress a guy from Boston with an account of the heroism at the Alamo. He says, “I guess you don’t have many heroes where you’re from?”
The Bostonian replies, “Well, have you ever heard of Paul Revere?”
And the Texan says, “Paul Revere? Isn’t he the guy who ran for help?”
How can you tell when you’re talking to a Finnish extrovert?
He looks at your shoes.
A Texan, a Russian, and a New Yorker went to a restaurant in London, and the waiter said, “Excuse me, but if you order the steak you might not get one, as there is a shortage.” The Texan said, “What’s a shortage?” The Russian said, “What’s a steak?” The New Yorker said, “What’s excuse me?”
A tourist is heading for his car when he sees a guy breaking into his trunk. He yells, “Hey, this is my car!”
The guy says, “OK, you take the radio and I’ll take the tires.”
How did the Irish Jig get started?
Too much to drink and not enough restrooms.
The reason New Yorkers are depressed is because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey.
Did you hear about the hurricane that hit New Jersey and inflicted $11 million worth of improvements?
A Norwegian guy likes to go to bed with two women, so when he falls asleep they can talk to each other. He would marry a pregnant woman just to save himself the trouble. He is so repressed, he blushes if someone says “Intersection.” He only thinks about sex when he gets too drunk to go deer hunting, and then he gets up his courage and goes downtown and spends the night in a warehouse. Not good at spelling, or arithmetic. He was trying to count up to twenty-one, and they arrested him for indecent exposure. He was a counterfeiter who made two dollar bills by erasing the zeros on twenties. And then he won the Norwegian lottery. That’s the one where you get a dollar a year for a million years. To celebrate, he went to New York City. He called home, all excited, and said, “I went down these stairs in the street, down to some guy’s basement, and you ought to see the trains he’s got down there.”
Late one hot morning, two tourists driving through Louisiana saw on the map that the next logical stop for lunch would be at a town called Natchitoches. They wondered about the pronunciation, one favoring NATCH-ee-toe-cheese and the other saying it made more sense as Natch-eye-TOTT-chez. They stopped at a franchise burger place and went inside; a fresh-faced girl took their order. One said: “We need somebody local to settle an argument for us. Could you please pronounce where we are…very slowly?” The girl leaned over the counter so they could watch her lips and said as distinctly as she could, “Brrrrrrrr, grrrrrrr, Kiiiiinngg.”
What’s the difference between a Yankee Stadium hotdog and a Fenway Park hotdog?
You can buy a Yankee Stadium hotdog in October.
New York is a place where all the girls are looking for husbands and all the husbands are looking for girls.
New York is a place where you spend more than you make, on things you don’t need, to impress people you don’t like.
New York is where you can get the best cheap meal and the lousiest expensive meal in the country.
In New York, if you don’t have a shrink, you gotta be crazy.
The difference between the Upper West Side and the Upper East Side is that on the Upper East Side, the Salvation Army bands have a harp and a string section.
Rules for driving in New York City:
• Keep to the right on a one-way street.
• Take the first parking space you see. There will not be another.
• Don’t get in the way of a car that needs extensive bodywork.
• Always look both ways when running a red light.
• Never signal a lane change. It only gives other drivers a chance to speed up and not let you in.
• Making eye contact revokes your right of way.
Why are Yankee fans like laxatives?
Because they irritate the crap out of you.
Why does the Boston rowing team beat the New York rowing team?
Because the Boston team has one guy yelling, and eight guys rowing.
If you live in Green Bay, Wisconsin, how do you keep bears out of your backyard?
Put up goalposts.
An old Irishman was coming home late one night from the pub. As he passed the old graveyard, he thought of all his friends in there, and then he saw a stone beside the road. He thought, “The poor man, buried out here by the highway. And he lived to the ripe old age of 145. A fine man. Let’s see, his name was Miles, from Dublin.”
When the Irish say that St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland, what they don’t tell you is that he was the only one who SAW any snakes!
Did you hear about the Irish attempt on Mount Everest?
They ran out of scaffolding.
Why don’t Italians like Jehovah’s Witnesses?
We don’t like any witnesses.
What would you call it when an Italian breaks his arm?
A speech impediment.
A German tourist was driving 140 miles an hour in his BMW, and the highway patrol pulled him over. The patrolman said, “I’m going to have to search your car.”
“Okay, javohl,” said the German. The patrolman looked inside the trunk, and there was a piece of raw, bloody meat. When he questioned the German, he said, “Oh ja, that is mine spare veal!”
“Excuse me, Kate, may I come in? I’ve somethin’ to tell ya.”
“Of course you can come in, you’re always welcome. But where’s my husband?”
“That’s what I’m here to be tellin’ ya, Kate. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery…”
“Oh, God, no!” cries Kate. “Please don’t tell me…”
“I must, Kate. Your husband Patrick is dead and gone. I’m sorry.”
Finally, she looked up. “How did it happen?”
“It was terrible, Kate. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.”
“Oh, my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, did he at least go quickly?”
“Well, no, Kate…no. Not really. Fact is, he got out three times to pee.”
What do rednecks call duct tape?
Chrome.
You know why it’s so hard to solve a redneck’s murder?
Because the DNA is all the same, and there are no dental records.
The difference between good ol’ boys and rednecks is that good ol’ boys may raise livestock, but rednecks get emotionally involved.
The Alabama Highway Patrol turns on the red flashers and pulls the pickup over to the side of the road. The officer walks up to the driver’s window and asks, “You got any I.D.?”
“‘Bout whut?”
The Alabama football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player, and said, “I’m not supposed to let you play since you’re failing math, but we need you in there. So what I have to do is ask you a question, and if you get it right, you can play.”
The player agreed, and the coach looked intently into his eyes, and said, “Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What is two plus two?”
The player thought for a moment and then said, “Four?”
All the other players yelled, “Come on, Coach, give him another chance!”
The University of Alabama football team played Harvard. At a party after the game, an Alabama player approached a girl and asked, “What school do you go to?”
“Yale,” the girl replied.
“Okay. WHAT SCHOOL DO YOU GO TO?”
What’s the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.
They’ve passed a law in Texas that says a woman has to wait to inherit her husband’s estate until she’s fourteen.
An Alaskan was on trial in Anchorage. The judge turned to him and asked, “Where were you on the night of October to April?”
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. The Brit said, “They look so calm. They must be British.” The Frenchman said, “Nonsense. They’re naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, these are French people.” The Russian disagreed, “I don’t think so. They have no clothes, no shelter, they have only an apple to eat, and they’re being told this is paradise. They are Russian.”
A Czech man went to the eye doctor to have his vision checked. The eye chart said: CVKPMWXFCZ. The doctor said, “Can you read that?” The man said, “Can I read it? I dated her once.”
When NASA started sending up astronauts, they discovered that ballpoint pens don’t work in zero gravity. So they spent twelve million dollars and more than a decade developing a pen that writes under any condition, on almost every surface. The Russians used a pencil.
The difference between comedy and tragedy in Russian drama is that in a tragedy, everybody dies; but in a comedy, they die happy.
An American went to live in the Shetland Islands. He bought a house in the middle of nowhere and lived there for three months and saw no one. One day there was a knock on the door. He opened the door and there was a howling gale outside and there stood a six-foot-four Shetlander with a dirty old sweater and a huge beard and he said “I’m here to welcome you to the Shetland Islands.”
“Hi! It’s really nice to see you,” the American said.
“I’m here to invite you to a party.”
“I’ve been here for three months on my own, I haven’t seen a soul,” said the American. “I’d be delighted to come to a party.”
“But I have to warn you, it will be a wild Shetland party,” said the Shetlander. “There’s going to be drinking.”
“Well, I like a little drop of Scotch now and again. I can hold my own with the best of them for drinking” said the American.
“And there’s going to be wild Shetland dancing.”
“Well, when I was in college, I was considered very light on my feet.”
“There’s going to be a fight. There’s always a fight”
“Well, actually, when I was in the military, I was the unit boxing champion, so I can hold my own.”
“And then,” said the Shetlander, “there’s going to be sex. Wild Shetland sex.”
“Well, I’ve been here for three months, and I haven’t seen a soul. A little bit of that wouldn’t be out of the question either. So, what should I wear?”
“Just you come as you are. It’s just going to be you and me.”