The old man died while he was making love with his old wife. They made love every Sunday morning to the rhythm of the church bells, nice and slow, and then that ice cream truck came along.
There is one big advantage in turning 70. You don’t get a lot of calls from life insurance salesmen.
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She was hysterical as she explained her situation to the dispatcher: “They’ve stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!” she cried. The dispatcher said, “Stay calm, Ma’am, an officer is on the way.” A few minutes later, the officer radioed in. “Disregard,” he said. “She got into the back seat by mistake.”
The nice thing about Alzheimer’s is, you can enjoy the same jokes again and again.
One day, two old folks were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, “Now don’t get mad at me. I know we’ve been friends for a long time…but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.”
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”
A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.” “Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams. “We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.”
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this.” She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says, “they’re coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.”
Old woman: Why, when I was your age, we never thought of doing the things you girls do today.
Young woman: That’s why you didn’t do them.
My grandfather is hard of hearing. He needs to read lips. I don’t mind him reading lips, but he uses a yellow highlighter.
You know they are developing a new wine for older men. It’s called Pino More.
What is forty feet long and smells like urine?
Line dancing at the nursing home.
I’m at that stage in life where your options are slim or none. It’s like elephants and fleas. I used to be an elephant and now I’m a flea. An elephant can have fleas but a flea can’t have elephants.
The old man signed up for a senior aerobics class. He showed up, and twisted, and gyrated and jumped up and down, and sweated and bent and pulled. And by the time he got his shorts on, the hour was over.
Old lady: Anyone who can guess what’s in my hand can have sex with me tonight!
Old man: An elephant?
Old lady: Close enough.
Old Woman: I found a lump in my breast. Lucky for me it was just my belt buckle.
An undertaker comes up to the elderly widow after the funeral and asks, “How old was your husband?”
“98. Two years older than me.”
“So you’re 96.”
“Hardly worth going home, is it?”
First old man: You want to go for a walk?
Second old man: Isn’t it windy?
First old man: No, it’s Thursday.
Second old man: Me, too. Let’s go get a beer.
Old lady: Do you remember when we were first married and you used to take my hand and kiss me on the cheek and then you’d kind of nibble on my ear?
Old man: You bet. Let me go get my teeth.
Old lady: Do you remember if we ever had mutual orgasm?
Old man: Mutual orgasm? No, we always had Allstate.
Mildred was a ninety-three-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, Earl. She decided to kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl’s old army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss this vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor’s office to inquire just exactly where the heart would be. “On a woman,” the doctor said, “your heart would be just below your left breast.” Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a bullet wound to her left knee.
An old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, and a young man walks by and asks him what’s wrong. The old man says, “I’m married to a beautiful twenty-two-year-old woman.”
The young man says, “What’s wrong with that?”
And the old man says, “I forgot where I live!”
Why do they give old men in the nursing home Viagra before they go to sleep?
To keep them from rolling out of bed.
It was Mr. Ryan’s funeral and the pallbearers were carrying the casket out from the church. When they bumped into a pillar, one of them heard a moan from inside the casket. They opened the casket and found that Mr. Ryan was still alive. God be praised. He lived for ten more years before he finally died. Another funeral was held for him and, as the pallbearers were carrying out the casket, Mrs. Ryan said, “Watch out for that pillar!”
This old guy goes to the doctor for a checkup.
Doctor: You’re in great shape for a sixty-year-old.
Guy: Who says I’m sixty years old?
Doctor: You’re not sixty? How old are you?
Guy: I turn eighty next month.
Doctor: Gosh, eighty! Do you mind if I ask you at what age your father died?
Guy: Who says my father’s dead?
Doctor: He’s not dead?
Guy: Nope, he’ll be 104 this year.
Doctor: With such a good family medical history your grandfather must have been pretty old when he died.
Guy: Who says my grandfather’s dead?
Doctor: He’s not dead?!
Guy: Nope, he’ll be 129 this year, and he’s getting married next week.
Doctor: Gee-whiz! Why at his age would he want to get married?
Guy: Who says he wants to?
An eighty-year-old couple is having problems remembering things, so they go to the doctor to get checked out. They describe for the doctor the problems they are each having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but that they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. The couple thanks the doctor and leaves. Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, “Where are you going?”
He replies, “To the kitchen.” She asks him for a bowl of ice cream and he replies, “Sure.”
She then asks him, “Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember?”
He says, “No, I can remember that.”
“Well,” she then says, “I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down ‘cause I know you’ll forget.”
He says, “I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.”
“Well,” she replies, “I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that, so you better write it down.”
With irritation in his voice, he says, “I don’t need to write that down, I can remember that.”
He fumes off into the kitchen. When he returns twenty minutes later he hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, “You forgot my toast.”
The old lady walks up to the old man at the retirement home and says, “If you drop your pants, I’ll bet I can tell your age.” So, the man drops his pants, and she says, “You’re eighty-three.”
“You’re right! How could you tell?”
“You told me yesterday.”
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a state police officer sees a car puttering along at twenty-two miles per hour. He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies—two in the front seat and three in the back—wide-eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand. I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”
“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “you weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”
“Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly—twenty-two miles an hour!” the old woman proudly replies.
The officer explains to her that twenty-two was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out the error.
“Before I let you go, ma’am, I have to ask: Is everyone in this car okay? These women seem awfully shaken.”
“Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 212.”
The old man thought his wife was going deaf, so he came up behind her and said, “Can you hear me, sweetheart?” No reply. He came closer and said it again. No reply. He spoke right into her ear and said, “Can you hear me now, honey?” His wife said, “For the third time, yes.”
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty.
She’s ninety-seven today, and we don’t know where the hell she is.
A man is celebrating his ninetieth birthday at the nursing home, and his friends decide to surprise him. They wheel in a big birthday cake and out pops a beautiful young woman who says, “Hi, I can give you some super sex!”
The old man says, “Well, I guess I’ll take the soup.”
Grandma, I ate all the peanuts in the candy dish.
That’s okay. Since I lost my dentures, I can only suck the chocolate off them anyway.
“Man, that Mrs. Johnson. I got her husband all laid out in the casket in his black suit and she comes in and says she wants him buried in a blue suit.”
“Oh boy.”
“She insists that it has to be a blue suit.”
“What’d you do?”
“Well, luckily, we got this body shipped out from Chicago and it came dressed in a blue suit.”
“So you switched suits?”
“Naw. I just switched heads.”
My teeth are gone, my digestion’s a mess, my joints ache, but at least my mind is still there, knock on wood. (Knocks) Who’s there?
First Old Man: So, tell me, how does an eighty-two-year-old man like yourself persuade a twenty-one-year-old beauty to be your bride?
Second Old Man: Easy. I lied about my age. I told her I was ninety-seven.
Celebrity: It’s great to be here with you wonderful folks at the nursing home. Does anybody here know who I am? Huh?
Old Woman: No, but don’t worry. Go down to the front desk and they’ll tell you.
Old Woman: I can’t believe it, doctor. Pregnant? It can’t be. I’m seventy years old.
Doctor: I have your husband on the phone, ma’am. I know you’d like him to be the first to know.
Old Woman: Gimme that phone—Listen to me, you old goat, you’ve gone and knocked me up!
Old Man: And to whom am I speaking?