1st man: My wife’s taking a trip to the Caribbean.
2nd man: Jamaica?
1st man: Not at all. She wanted to go.
Woman: Did you know that women are smarter than men?
Man: No, I didn’t.
Woman: See what I mean?
How can a woman rid her apartment of cockroaches?
Ask them for a commitment.
A cop sees two kids parked in a car late Saturday night on the edge of town and he walks over with his flashlight and shines it in the window. The boy is listening to the radio and the girl is knitting a scarf. The cop says, “What are you doing here?” “Just listening to music and she’s knitting.” “How old are you?” The boy says, “I’m 22.” The cop says, “And is she 18?” The boy says, “She will be in about fifteen minutes.”
How is a singles bar different from the circus?
At the circus the clowns don’t talk.
Finnegan’s wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning him about the incident. “Did she say anything before she died?” asked the sergeant. “She spoke without interruption for about forty years,” said Finnegan.
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. “Careful,” he said, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!” The wife stared at him. “What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?” The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”
A married couple in their late 90s went to a divorce lawyer after seventy years of marriage. They had never got along but they wanted to wait until the children were dead.
“You married?”
“I am.”
“Happily?”
“Yes, of course.”
“You and your wife both happy?”
“Sure. Every week we go out to a romantic restaurant, have a candlelight dinner, some wine—she goes on Fridays, I go on Tuesdays.”
Marriage is like a three ring circus—engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, raging violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed, “God, please give me the strength to cross the river.” Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about two hours, having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, the second man prayed, “God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river.” Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, “God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross this river.” Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.
A man’s wife was in labor with their first child and suddenly she began to shout, “Shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!” He asked the nurse what was wrong with her.
The nurse said, “She’s having contractions.”
My wife says I spend too much money on beer and liquor, and I tell her that the more I spend on beer and liquor, the better she looks to me, and more she can save on makeup and hair products.
A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to her, “Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.” His wife gets up and unplugs the TV.
There once were two people of taste
Who were beautiful down to the waist.
So they limited love
To the regions above,
And thus remained perfectly chaste.
How do you know that a dog is man’s best friend?
Try this experiment. Lock your dog and your wife in the trunk of your car and drive around for a while. Come back home and open it up, and see which one of them is glad to see you.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Put it in a file labeled “Instruction Manual.”
What do you call the feeling that your husband’s computer is better than yours?
PC-ness envy.
A man and his wife were celebrating their sixtieth birthdays and their thirty-fifth wedding anniversary and he opened her gift to him, a green vase, and rubbed it and a genie jumped up and granted him a wish. The man whispered, “I’d like to have a woman twenty years younger than I.” So the genie made him eighty.
Why don’t cannibals eat divorced women?
Because they’re bitter.
“Honey, will you love me when I’m old and overweight?”
“Yes, I do.”
Ben invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn’t help noticing how beautiful Ben’s roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between Ben and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Ben and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom’s thoughts, Ben volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Allison and I are just roommates.”
About a week later, Allison came to Ben and said, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?” Ben said, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll email her just to be sure.” So he sat down and wrote: “Dear Mother, I’m not saying you ‘did’ take a gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying you ‘did not’ take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.”
Several days later, Ben received a response from his mother that read: “Dear Son, I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with Allison, and I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with Allison. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom.”
A woman was in bed with her husband’s best friend when the phone rang. After hanging up, she turned to her lover and said: “That was Jim, but don’t worry, he won’t be home for a while. He’s playing cards with you.”
A skinhead and his girlfriend are walking down the street. She sees a ring in a store window and says, “I’d really like that ring.” The skinhead says, “No problem.” He throws a brick through the window and grabs the ring. A couple blocks later, the girlfriend spots a leather jacket in another store window. The skinhead says, “No problem.” He picks up another brick throws it through the window, grabs the jacket, and they walk on. Later, they pass a Mercedes showroom, and she says, “I would love that car.” He says to her, “Do you think I’m made of bricks?”
A man and woman are standing at the altar, about to be married, when the bride-to-be looks at her prospective groom and sees that he has a set of golf clubs with him.
“What on earth are you doing with those golf clubs in church?” she whispered.
He replied, “This isn’t going to take all afternoon, is it?”
“Somebody stole my wife’s credit card.”
“That’s terrible.”
“Not really. Whoever took it is spending a lot less than she did.”
“What do you mean by coming home half-drunk?”
“I ran out of money.”
Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge, and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed, and go to the fridge.
Woman’s Prayer: Dear Lord, I pray for wisdom, to understand a man; love, to forgive him; and patience, for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for strength I’ll just beat him to death.
My friend is engaged in a major custody battle. His wife doesn’t want him and his mother won’t take him back.
Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it’s time to go back to childhood, they’re already there.
My husband is on a new diet. He’s losing five pounds a week. In a year and a half, I’ll be rid of him completely.
“Do you take off your glasses because you think it makes you look better?”
“No, because it makes you look better.”
Man: Did you know that women use about 30,000 words a day and a man uses only about 15,000?
Woman: That’s because we have to repeat everything.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be open by the time she brings it.
What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
What’s the difference between a dog and a fox?
About eight beers.
“Aren’t you wearing that wedding ring on the wrong hand?”
“Yes, I married the wrong man.”
“I look in the mirror, and it’s so depressing. My face is all wrinkled, my legs are fat, my arms are flabby and my butt is hanging out.”
“Well, there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight.”
Have you heard about the new Playboy for married men?
The centerfold is the same every month.
I heard about this new morning-after pill for men. It changes your blood type.
“Swami, tell me: What does the future hold?”
“My child, you must prepare yourself for widowhood. Your husband will die soon.”
“Swami, tell me: Will I be acquitted?”
“Grandpa, can you make a noise like a frog?”
“Why would I want to do a thing like that?”
“Well, Grandma says when you croak, we’re all going to Hawaii.”
Marriage is nature’s way of preventing people from fighting with strangers.
What do you call a man who’s lost 75 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
My wife is such a bad cook that the flies took up a collection to fix the screen door.
My wife is such a bad cook that last week Gourmet tried to buy her magazine subscription back.
Why do men like BMWs?
They can spell it.
How many men does it take to change a toilet-paper roll?
Who knows, it’s never happened.
What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
What’s the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds mature.
Why is it so hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
Why are women’s brains cheaper than men’s brains?
Because women’s are used.
How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
Husband: I haven’t spoken to my wife for eighteen months—I don’t like to interrupt her.
Women like silent men; they think we’re listening.
“Did you know there are female hormones in beer?”
“Female hormones in beer? Impossible.”
“There are. You drink a lot of beer and you get fat, you talk too much and don’t make sense, you cry, and you can’t drive a car.”
Waitress: So, what’ll it be, mister?
Customer: Tell you what. I want my eggs hard and burned around the edges, I want my bacon burnt to a crisp, and I want my toast blackened and hard. I want my coffee bitter, and when you bring me my food, I want you to yell at me.
Waitress: What, are you crazy?
Customer: No, I’m homesick.
Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you’re not quite sure why.
Do you know why women fake orgasm?
Because men fake foreplay.
“I want to buy a shotgun for my husband.”
“Yes ma’am, does he know what gauge he wants?”
“No, he doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.”
I’ve never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don’t listen, they don’t come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they do come home they expect to be fed and stroked and then left alone to sleep. Everything that women hate in men, they love in cats.
So, a husband and wife are in bed watching “Who Wants to be a Millionaire” and the husband says, “Would you like to make love?”
The wife says, “No.”
The husband says, “Is that your final answer?”
The wife says, “Yes.”
The husband says, “Then I’d like to call a friend.”
If a man is in the forest, talking to himself, with no woman around, is he still wrong?
If a woman is in the forest, talking to herself, with no man around, is she still complaining?
One good thing about having a woman for president—we wouldn’t have to pay her as much.
What’s the fastest way to a man’s heart?
Through the chest wall with a sharp knife.
You and your husband don’t seem to have an awful lot in common. Why did you get married?
I suppose it was the old business of “opposites attract.” He wasn’t pregnant and I was.
Scientists have discovered a new food that lowers the female sex drive: wedding cake.
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married— then it was too late.
Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
Wife: If I died, would you marry again?
Husband: Yes, I would.
Wife: And would you let her come into my house?
Husband: Yes.
Wife: Would she sleep in my bed?
Husband: Probably, yes.
Wife: Would she use my golf clubs?
Husband: Definitely not.
Wife: Oh, why not?
Husband: Because she’s left-handed.
“Did you know that the shortest sentence in the English language is, ‘I am’?”
“Really. What’s the longest sentence?”
“‘I do.”’
“I decided that instead of getting married I’d just buy a dog.”
“Why?”
“Because after the first year, a dog is still excited to see you.”
Very few things upset my wife and it makes me feel special to be one of them.
Men pass gas more often than women because women never close their mouths long enough to let the pressure build up.
A woman comes home shouting, “Honey, pack your bags! I won the lottery!”
The husband exclaims, “Wow! That’s great! Should I pack for the ocean, or for the mountains, or what?”
And she says, “I don’t care. Just get the hell out.”
Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
So they won’t hump your leg at a cocktail party.
A man exercises by sucking his stomach in every time he sees a beautiful woman.
A young lady came home from a date looking sad. She told her mother, “Jeff proposed to me an hour ago.”
“Then why are you so sad?” her mother asked.
“Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn’t even believe there’s a hell!”
Her mother replied, “Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is.”
A man walked into a supermarket and bought a loaf of bread, a pint of milk, and a frozen dinner for one. The woman at the checkout said, “You’re single, aren’t you?”
The man said, “Yeah, how did you guess?”
She said, “Because you’re ugly.”
Why did God make man before woman?
You need a rough draft before you make the final copy.
Son: Dad! I got a part in the school play! I play the husband.
Dad: Too bad they didn’t give you a speaking role.
A wife wakes up in the middle of the night and finds her husband sitting on the bed crying. She asks, “What’s wrong?”
He says, “Remember when your daddy caught us in your room when you were sixteen and told me I’d have to marry you or he was gonna send me to jail for thirty years?”
She says, “Yeah, but why are you thinking about that?”
He says, “I’d be a free man today.”
After twelve years in prison, a man finally escapes. When he gets home, filthy and exhausted, his wife says, “Where have you been? You escaped eight hours ago!”
Man: Hey. Nice earring. How long have you been wearing an earring?
Second Man: Ever since my wife found it in the car.
A man took his wife to the livestock show and they looked at the champion breeding bulls. The wife said, “Look here. It says that this bull mated over 150 times last year. Isn’t that something!”
And the husband replied, “Yes, but it wasn’t all with the same cow.”
Wife: Let’s go out and have some fun tonight.
Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hall light on.
And God created woman. And she was good. She had two arms, two legs, and three breasts. And God asked woman what she would like to have changed about herself, and she asked for her middle breast to be removed. And it was good. She stood with her third breast in her hand and asked God what should be done with the useless boob. And God created man.
A woman was going through her husband’s desk drawer and discovered three soybeans in an envelope containing thirty dollars in cash. So she asked him about it.
And the husband said, “Well, I have to confess. Over the years, I haven’t been completely faithful to you. But every time I cheated, I put a soybean in the drawer to remind myself.”
“So where did the thirty dollars come from?” she asked.
“Well, when soybeans hit ten dollars a bushel, I decided to sell.”
“Honey, would you like a BMW for your birthday?”
“No, I don’t think so.”
“How about a mink coat?”
“No thanks.”
“How about a diamond necklace?”
“No. I want a divorce.”
“Oh. I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
“Ma’am, I think your husband has had enough to drink. He just slid under the table.”
“No, my husband just walked in the door.”
Dying man: You know, honey, you’ve always been with me through all my troubles. Through all my bad times, you’ve been there. When I got fired, you were there. When my business went down the toilet, you were there. When I had the heart attack, you were there, and when we lost the house, and then when I got liver cancer, you were always by my side. You know something?
Woman: What?
Dying man: I think you’re bad luck.
A man’s idea of planning for the future means that he buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Wife: Do you love me?
Husband: Of course I love you. If I didn’t love you, we wouldn’t have all this damn furniture. I mean, maybe there’s no chemistry left between us, but there’s still archaeology.
My wife has been great. In just three years of marriage, she’s gotten me to stop drinking and stop smoking, taught me how to dress well, how to enjoy music and painting and fine literature, how to cook gourmet meals, and how to have confidence in myself. So I’m getting a divorce. Frankly, she just isn’t good enough for me.
Sex is hereditary. If your parents didn’t have it, chances are you won’t either.
A woman sends her husband out to buy some escargot for a dinner party that night. Instead of going straight to the store, the husband decides to stop at the local bar. He has a few beers, and then some more, and pretty soon he looks at his watch and finds he’s over an hour late for the dinner party. He dashes to the store, picks up the escargot, and frantically drives home. When he walks in the door he can hear his wife coming from the kitchen. So he takes the bag of snails and quickly throws them all over the floor. When his wife walks into the room, he says, “Come on guys, we’re almost there!”
Why did Dorothy get lost in Oz?
She had three men giving her directions.
“Mr. Johnson, I have reviewed this case carefully and I’ve decided to give your wife $800 a week alimony.”
“That’s very generous, your honor. And believe me, I’ll try to help out a little myself now and then.”
“Honey, am I the first man you ever made love with?”
“Why does everyone ask me that?”
How do girls get minks?
The same way minks get minks.
Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it’s our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something we’d like to have dinner with.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the sink.
The most difficult thing for a man after a divorce is learning how to express himself.
I wanted to be a flight attendant because it’s a chance to meet men. When they’re strapped down.
“What would you do if you caught another woman with your husband?”
“Well, I guess I’d break her cane and send her back to whatever institution she escaped from.”
Wife: You know, that young couple next door are so sweet. Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses. Now, why can’t you do that?
Husband: I don’t even know her.
“Can I have your number?”
“It’s in the phone book.”
“But I don’t even know your name.”
“That’s in the phone book, too.”
“Haven’t I seen you somewhere before?”
“Yes. And that’s why I don’t go back there.”
“Hey, gorgeous, where have you been all my life?”
“For most of it, I wasn’t born yet.”
“Your body is like a temple.”
“Sorry, no services today.”
“I would go to the end of the world for you.”
“Yes, but would you stay there?”
“I want you to be the mother of my children.”
“How many you got?”
Man: I have a magic watch that tells me you aren’t wearing any underwear.
Woman: But I am wearing underwear.
Man: Well, it’s about an hour fast. So how do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
The CIA was accepting applications for an assassin. They narrowed the finalists to two men and one woman, and they gave them the final test. They gave each of them a gun and brought the first man in and pointed to the big wooden door and said, “Right in there is your wife. Go in and kill her.” The man dropped the gun. He said, “I can’t do it.”
They brought in the second man and said, “Your wife is behind that door. Go kill her.” The second man walked to the door and put his hand on the knob but he couldn’t do it either.
Finally, they brought in the woman and told her, “Behind that door is your husband. Go and kill him.” So she went through the door and they heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then they heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. Then everything was quiet. The door opened slowly, and the woman came out, wiping the sweat from her brow, and she said, “Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks. So I had to strangle him.”
Old Man: So how was your date with Edgar last night?
Old Woman: Well, I had to slap his face.
Old Man: He tried to go too far?
Old Woman: No, I thought he was dead.
Priest: I’m so sorry to hear of Jim’s passing, Mary. My deepest condolences.
Widow: Oh thank you, Father.
Priest: It’s a hard time.
Widow: Yes, Father. It is.
Priest: And did he have any last requests?
Widow: Yes, Father. He did.
Priest: And what was his last request, Mary?
Widow: Well, he asked me to please put the gun down.
Three gents in a bar are discussing a female acquaintance who is trying without success to have a family. The first says, “I believe she is impregnable.”
The second says, “I think she is inconceivable.”
The third disagrees, saying, “You’re both off the mark. She is obviously unbearable.”
“Honey, something’s always bugged me about the children. I can’t help noticing that out of our eight kids, Ben looks different from all the others. I know it’s a terrible thing to ask, but does he have a different father?”
“Yes, it’s true. He does.”
“Please tell me. Who is Ben’s father?”
“You.”
I almost fell in love with a psychic but she left me before we met.
“I saw two houseflies in the kitchen today. Both females.”
“How did you know they were females?”
“They were on the phone.”
Wife: If you had to do it all over again, would you still marry me?
Husband: I guess so. If I had to.
Husband: Before I die, darling, I have to confess something to you.
Wife: I know all about it, darling. That’s why I poisoned you.
Why does an archeologist make a good husband?
Because the older you get, the more interested he is in you.
The wife smacks her husband upside the head. He says, “Hey! What was that for?”
“That’s for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou on it.”
He explains, “That’s from two weeks ago. I went to the races, and Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on.”
She hits him again. He says, “Now what was that for?”
“Your horse called on the phone today.”
The secret of our marriage is that my wife worries about the little things, like what we should spend money on and what we should do on weekends, and I worry about the big things, like…energy policy and…Canada and…NATO.
My wife came home the other night and told me to take off her blouse. Then she told me to take off her skirt. Then she told me never to wear her clothes again.
My husband gives himself bubble baths by eating beans for dinner.
The only thing I have in common with my husband is that we were married on the same day.
A man and his wife weren’t speaking to each other and one night the man left a note for her saying, “Please wake me at 5:00 a.m. I have to be at work for an early meeting.” The next morning the man woke up at 9:00 a.m., and noticed a piece of paper by his pillow. It said, “This is your 5:00 a.m. wake up.”