Martha Stewart has a new recipe for tuna casserole that serves 6 to 8.
Martha Stewart has a new recipe for chicken casserole. You boil the chicken and dump the stock.
There was a pro-Martha Stewart rally. Only four people showed up, and three of them were made out of crepe paper.
Martha Stewart says each spice has its secret. The key to thyme is how it is served.
Kobe Bryant’s teammates don’t believe the stories about him because he’s never made a pass before.
They gave Kobe a vocabulary test and he thinks harass is two words.
Kobe Bryant added an “O” to his bracelet so now it stands for “What Would O.J. Do?”
The police pulled Janet Jackson over because her right headlight was out.
Victoria’s Secret is having a Janet Jackson sale. Bras are half off.
The problem with CEOs is that the 90 percent who are crooked give the rest a bad name.
The convicts were in the exercise yard at the federal prison in Danbury and one of them said, “You know, this is the first time that our entire board of directors has been together at one time.”
What do you call 50,000 geeks playing Monopoly?
Microsoft.
Communism: You have two cows. You take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
Enron Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your brother-in-law, who then sells you all four cows back, which gives you five cows in the annual report which gives you a tax exemption for eight cows. But you’re not aware of it at the time.
What’s the difference between God and Bill Gates?
God doesn’t think he’s Bill Gates.
Bill Gates built a new house for himself and it’s great, except that sometimes when you flush the toilet it won’t stop. When that happens you need to exit the house, walk around the block, re-enter the house, and usually it’s better.
God decides it’s time to have the world end. He calls in Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bill Gates. He tells them that the world is going to end in seven days. So Clinton goes to the American people, and Yeltsin goes to the Russian people, and they say, “We have some good news and some bad news. The good news is, there is a God. The bad news is, the end of the world is coming.”
And Bill Gates goes back to Microsoft and says, “I have some good news and some even better news. The good news is, I’m one of the three most important people on earth, and the even better news is we don’t have to fix Windows ‘95!”
If you see Bill Gates on a bicycle, should you swerve to hit him?
No. It might be your bicycle.
Why should Bill Gates be buried 100 feet deep?
Because deep down, he’s a really good man.
After Bill Gates and his wife returned from their honeymoon, she said to him, “Now I know why you named it Microsoft!”
A little boy and a little girl were talking on the playground, and the little boy said, “My daddy’s an accountant. What does your daddy do for a living?”
She said, “My daddy’s Bill Gates.”
“Honest?”
“No, I didn’t say that.”
You know something? If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed…. Oh wait, he does.
A man gets to make a wish, and he wishes he could wake up in bed with three women. When he wakes up, there are Lorena Bobbit, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton. And his penis is gone, his leg is broken, and he has no health insurance.
Did you hear about the new pill? It makes you feel good but has the side effect of making you dull. It’s called Prosaic.
Did you hear that after she broke her leg, Picabo Street, the Olympic skier, donated money for a very special hospital wing?
It’s going to be called the Picabo ICU.
A man and his wife are watching the news about gay marriage. The man says, “Haven’t they suffered enough already?”