Why do we call it politics?
Because poly means many and ticks mean blood-sucking parasites.
Philip Morris said today that the tobacco settlement is costing so much money that they may have to lay off two Republican senators.
They finally drafted a Constitution for Iraq. We should’ve given them ours. We’re not using it anymore.
Why do Republicans wear earmuffs? To avoid the draft.
The real reason you can’t have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse is that you cannot post “Thou Shalt Not Steal,” “Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery” and “Thou Shall Not Lie” in a building full of politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu: Broiled Missionary $10—Fried Explorer $15—Baked Politician $100. The Cannibal called the waiter over and asked, “Why such a price difference for the politician?” The waiter replied, “Have you ever tried to clean one?”
I’m tired of hearing critics say that Democrats don’t stand for anything. That’s really unfair. They DO stand for anything.
There’s a Republican dating service, but it’s not working that great.
Neither date wants to pay.
So the Republican was riding in his limousine when he saw all these poor people on their hands and knees eating grass by the roadside. He stopped and asked them why they were eating grass and they said, “Because we don’t have any money for food.”
He said, “Well, come along with me then. I’ll take care of you. The grass at my house is almost half a foot high.”
A man goes into a shop to buy a car radio, and the salesman says, “This is the latest model. It’s a voice-activated car radio. You just tell it what you want to listen to and the station changes. No need to take your hands off the wheel.”
So the man has it installed and takes off down the road. He says, “Classical!” and a public radio station comes on with a Mozart symphony. Then he says, “Country!” and a Garth Brooks song comes on, and he listens to that. Then a guy drives by really fast and cuts in front of him, so he yells, “Stupid!” and the radio changes to Rush Limbaugh.
Republicans and Democrats have a lot in common.
Republicans wear $1,000 suits, and Democrats drive $1,000 cars.
Once upon a time, there were six little kittens, all of them Democrats. They were born Republican but then their eyes opened.
“My father was a Democrat and my grandfather was a Democrat and that’s why I’m a Democrat.”
“Well, that’s no argument at all. If your father was a swindler and your grandfather was a swindler, would that make you a swindler also?”
“No, that would make me a Republican.”
They took a poll of American women, and they asked, “Would you have an affair with Bill Clinton?”
Seventy percent said, “Never again!!”
They had a Presidents’ Day Sale at Macy’s—all men’s pants were half off.
The Pope met with President Clinton. The good news was that they agreed on 80 percent of what they discussed. The bad news was that they were discussing the Ten Commandments.
You know why Bill Clinton is so reluctant to deal with this young Cuban boy in Miami?
It’s because the last time he decided where to put a Cuban he was impeached.
President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approaching him. “What is it?” the President asks.
“It’s the abortion bill, Mr. President. What do you want to do about it?” the aide asks.
“Just go ahead and pay it,” responds the President.
We always knew you could get AIDS from sex, and now President Clinton has shown us you can get sex from aides.
Why did Monica Lewinsky have sex with the president in the Oval Office?
Because she didn’t have $50,000 for the Lincoln Bedroom.
Bill Clinton liked Monica Lewinsky’s dress from the first time he spotted it.
Monica walks into her dry cleaning store and says to the clerk, who is hard of hearing, “I’ve got another dress for you to clean.” The clerk replies, “I’m sorry, come again?” “No,” says Monica. “This time it’s mustard.”
He never told Monica Lewinsky to lie. He told her to lie down.
“Run Hillary Run!” bumper stickers are selling like hotcakes in New York.
Democrats put them on their rear bumpers; Republicans put them on the front.
Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich, and Bill Clinton went to the Emerald City to see the Wizard of Oz. And Dan Quayle says, “I’m going to ask the wizard for a brain.”
And Newt Gingrich says, “I’m going to ask him for a heart.”
And Clinton says, “I wonder where Dorothy is?”
What do you call it when the Vice President plays the drums?
Algorithm.
What’s the difference between George W. Bush, Bill Clinton and Jane Fonda?
Jane Fonda went to Vietnam.
President Bush was sitting in the Oval Office when a young man walked in the door and said, “Hey, you turkey.”
The President said, “Do you know who I am? I’m the President of the United States. You can’t say that to me.”
The young man said, “Do you know who I am?”
The President said, “No.”
The young man said, “Good.”
What’s the difference between the Vietnam War and the Iraq War?
George W. Bush had a plan to get out of the Vietnam War.
A woman driving down the freeway in an SUV got so mad at the man in front of her who was driving the speed limit that she pulled up alongside him, honked her horn, screamed obscenities at him, gave him the finger, and waved a pistol. And then the blue lights behind her flashed and the police pulled her over and arrested her and took her to the station, fingerprinted her, and put her in a cell. After a couple hours, the policeman came and apologized. He said,
“I’m very sorry. You see, when I saw you do that, I noticed the Bush-Cheney bumper sticker and the ‘What Would Jesus Do’ bumper sticker and the chrome-plated fish emblem, and I assumed you had stolen the car.”
After the Swift Boat Veterans who served with Kerry in Vietnam claimed that Kerry lied about his heroism, the Democrats wanted to make a similar ad attacking Bush, but they couldn’t find anyone who served with him.
The reporter asked Colin Powell, “What proof do you have that Iraq has weapons of mass destruction?” He replied,
“We kept the receipts.”
What were George W. Bush’s three hardest years?
Second Grade.
John Kerry has two problems. People outside the Northeast don’t know who he is, and people inside the Northeast do.
John Kerry was running behind, but thanks to the fact that he’s married to Teresa Heinz, he was able to ketchup.
George W. Bush died and went to the Pearly Gates and met St. Peter who said, “Welcome to the afterlife. Would you like to go to heaven or to hell?” So Mr. Bush took a look at hell and there was a beautiful country club with an 18-hole golf course and a fine residential neighborhood with lovely lawns and a shopping mall, and then he looked around heaven and found a lot of serious people talking about ethics and mathematics and history and playing their harps and praising God.
“Well,” he said, “I never thought I’d say this, but frankly, I’d rather go to hell.” So he went and there were people chained to red-hot rocks and screaming. “What happened to the golf course?” said Mr. Bush.
“Oh, that was just campaigning,” the Devil said. “Now you’ve voted for us.”
A speechwriter for President Bush felt unappreciated by the president and so when the President came to give his next speech, he looked at the teleprompter and it said:
“Some say that this war against Iraq is all about oil. It isn’t, and I’ll tell you why.”
“Some say that a tax cut will lead to even worse federal deficits. It won’t, and I’ll tell you why.”
“Some say that my policies favor the wealthy over the middle class. They don’t, and I’ll tell you why.”
And then there was a blank space on the teleprompter. And then the words:
“Okay, George, you take it from here.”
After the Super Bowl, President Bush called the Patriots to congratulate them on their victory and Al Gore called the Panthers to say he thought they’d been robbed, and Bill Clinton called Janet Jackson.
What do you call someone in the White House who is honest, caring, and well-read?
A tourist.
Mrs. Bush is opposed to same-sex marriage. She’s been trying to get George to do something different for years.
There was a contentious staff meeting at the White House about the health of Dick Cheney. When someone mentioned that Cheney had acute angina, Bush angrily interrupted and said, “Men do not have anginas.”
George W. Bush in the White House is like a turtle on a post. You know he didn’t get there by himself, he doesn’t belong there, he can’t get anything done while he’s up there, and you just want to help him get down.
They’re taking out all the K-Marts in Iraq and putting in Targets.
Pentagon officials now believe they have found Osama Bin Laden because he has found a place in which to hide where you can buy your way in, no one will remember you were there, and you have no obligations: the Texas Air National Guard.
They sent the Iowa National Guard out to find bin Laden and they came back with bed linen.
Did you know the U.S. has already converted to the metric system?
We have a half liter in charge of the country.
“Surgeon General, what are the results of my brain scan?”
“Mr. President, your brain has a left side and a right side.”
“Well, everyone has two sides to their brain, don’t they?”
“Yes, but in your brain, on the left side there isn’t anything right, and on the right side there isn’t anything left.”
Three Texas surgeons were boasting about their talent, and the first said, “I reattached all five fingers on a man’s right hand and he resumed his career as a concert pianist.”
And the second said, “I reattached both arms and both legs to a man who went on to become an Olympic champion.”
And the third said, “I operated on a cowboy who had a terrible accident on his horse, and all I had to work with was the horse’s rear end and a ten-gallon hat, and right now he’s the President of the United States.”
I’ve decided to do some volunteer work. I’m joining the Committee to Re-defeat the President.
The reason America is running low on oil is that most of it is in Alaska and most of the dipsticks are in Washington.
The main thing that separates George H.W. Bush and George W. Bush is eight years of prosperity.
You should always invite two Republicans to a party, because if you invite only one he’ll smoke all your pot.
President Bush is really worried about the Iraq situation. It’s cost him a lot of sleepless afternoons.
Why do all Iraqi soldiers carry a piece of sandpaper?
For a map.
How do you play Taliban bingo?
B-52…F-16…B-1…
Osama bin Laden came to the pearly gates, and there were George Washington, Patrick Henry, James Madison, John Randolph, and Thomas Jefferson, and they picked him up and threw him into hell. And he yelled at the angel and said, “This isn’t what I was promised!”
And the angel said, “I told you there would be Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?”
It appears Bush has a new plan for solving the Social Security crisis: Influenza.
Nancy Pelosi is the Speaker of the House. That’s the farthest anyone who wears a dress has gotten since J. Edgar Hoover.
Nancy Pelosi was visiting Iraq. President Bush said he was against setting any timetables for her to return. He said to bring her back prematurely would send the wrong message.
Thousands of people are expected for the 15th annual Burning Man festival this year in Black Rock Desert north of Reno, Nevada. This is the big hippie festival, where people run around naked, drink and get stoned, or as George W. Bush might think of it, get ready to run for president.
In 2004, the Center for Disease Control issued a warning about a new form of Gonnorhea called Gonorrhea Lectim.
President Bush’s State of the Union speech got higher ratings than “American Idol.” Millions of people tuned in thinking they could vote him off.
In his State of the Union address President Bush said the economy is on the move. It’s moving to India.
The states of Texas and Louisiana have decided to build an airport on the border they share. They wanted to honor Tom Delay of Texas and Huey Long of Louisiana, so they’re calling it Long Delay International Airport.
What’s the difference between “Congress” and the “Library of Congress”? In the Library of Congress you can’t mess with the pages.
What is the Iraqi national bird?
Duck.
Thirty-three percent of the American people think Bush is doing a good job. The same 33% who think Adam and Eve rode dinosaurs to church. That’s what happens when you mix the New Testament with the Old Milwaukee.
George W. Bush walked into Burger King.
“Welcome to Burger King.”
“Let’s see,” he says, “It’s tough to decide, but I’m the Decider. I’ll have two Whoppers.”
“Okay. You’re an intellectual genius, and you’re the best president we ever had.”
Saddam Hussein tells his jailer that he wants to write his memoirs, and he needs a stenographer. The jailer returns with a laptop computer. Saddam says, “I cannot write my own memoirs! I AM A DICTATOR!!”
The Nobel committee could have stopped global warming if, instead of giving the prize to Al Gore, they had given it to George W. Bush. Then hell would have frozen over.
Why can’t Dick Cheney play hockey?
You know he’d blow the face off.
For years, Democrats have been shooting themselves in the foot. Dick Cheney taught them a lesson: aim higher.