Once upon a time there was a prince who, through no fault of his own, was placed under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that the prince could speak only one word each year. He could, however, save up credits, so if he did not speak at all in one year, he could speak two words the following year.
One day he met a beautiful princess and fell madly in love. He decided to refrain from speaking for two years so that he could look at her and say, “My darling.” At the end of the two years, however, he wanted to also tell her he loved her, so he decided to wait three more years, for a total of five years of silence. At the end of the five years, though, he knew he had to ask her to marry him, so he needed to wait still another four years. Finally, as his ninth year of silence ended, he was understandably overjoyed.
He led the princess to the most romantic part of the royal garden, knelt before her, and said, “My darling, I love you. Will you marry me?” The princess replied, “Pardon?”
There are three guys in the waiting room of a hospital. A nurse comes out to the first and says, “Congratulations, you are the father of twins.” He says, “What a coincidence. I work for Twin City Federal.”
A while later, the nurse comes out to congratulate the second father: “You are the proud father of triplets.” “What a coincidence!” says the father. “I work for AAA.”
Hearing that, the third expectant father runs out of the waiting room. “Sir, where are you going?” calls out the nurse. He yells over his shoulder, “I work for 10,000 Auto Parts!”
A carpenter fell off the scaffolding at the building site and he was killed. One of the guys on the crew volunteered to go tell the carpenter’s wife. He came back two hours later with a six-pack of beer. “Got it from his wife,” he said. “When she answered the door, I asked her, ‘Are you Steve’s widow?’ She said, ‘no, no, I’m not a widow!’ I said, ‘I’ll bet you a six-pack you ARE!”’
I bought these new boots. They are made from possum and deer hide and they feel great when I wear them. There is just one problem. When I see headlights in the dark, I get this uncontrollable urge to run into the middle of the road and just stand there.
A man with a compulsive winking problem applies for a job as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his application and says, “You’re the best qualified candidate but I’m afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers.”
The man says, “But wait! If I take two aspirin, I’ll stop winking!” He reaches into his jacket pocket and pulls out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.
“Well,” said the interviewer, “that’s all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we don’t want our employees womanizing all over—what about those condoms?”
“Oh, that. Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?”
A wild rabbit was caught and taken to a National Institutes of Health laboratory. When he arrived, he was befriended by a rabbit that had been born and raised in the lab. One evening the wild rabbit noticed that his cage hadn’t been properly closed and decided to make a break for freedom. He invited the lab rabbit to join him. The lab rabbit was unsure, as he had never been outside the lab, but the wild rabbit finally convinced him to give it a try.
Once they were free, the wild rabbit said, “I’ll show you the number-three best field,” and took the lab rabbit to a field full of lettuce. After they had eaten their fill, the wild rabbit said, “Now I’ll show you the number-two best field,” and took the lab rabbit to a field full of carrots. After they had had their fill of carrots, the wild rabbit said, “Now I’ll show you the number-one best field,” and took the lab rabbit to a warren of female bunnies. It was Heaven—nonstop lovemaking all night long.
As dawn was beginning to break, the lab rabbit announced that he would have to be getting back to the lab. “Why?” said the wild rabbit. “I’ve shown you the number-three best field with the lettuce, the number-two best field with the carrots, and the number-one best field with the ladies. Why do you want to go back to the lab?” The lab rabbit replied, “I can’t help it. I’m dying for a cigarette!”
It’s like the kid who never said a word for six years. His parents took him to speech therapists but the kid never spoke. And then one morning at breakfast, he looked up from his bowl of cereal and said, “The milk is sour.” The parents were so happy. They said, “You talk perfectly. Why did you wait so long?” He said, “Up until now everything’s been okay.”
A woman answers her door, and a man is standing there. He says, “Lady, I’m sorry, but I think I just ran over your cat.” The woman says, “Oh, no! I don’t think so, he hardly ever gets out of the house. I don’t think it could be my cat.” He says, “Yeah, I’m afraid so. It came running right out of your yard. I tried to stop, but I couldn’t stop.” “Oh, surely not!” “What does it look like?” “Well, it’s kind of flat and runny.” “No, what did it look like before you hit it?” “Surprised.”
A woman was walking to work one day, and she passed a pet shop. There was a parrot outside, and when she walked past, it said, “You’re ugly. You’re stupid.” The next day, she walks by the parrot again, and again it says, “You’re ugly. You’re stupid.” She can barely believe this, but she’s late for work, so she keeps going. On the third day, she hears the same thing, “You’re ugly. You’re stupid.” She can’t stand it. She goes marching into the store and tells the owner how rude the parrot is. The store owner apologizes and tells her it will never happen again. The next day, she walks by the pet store, and the parrot is outside. She looks at the parrot as she walks by, and the parrot says, “Oh, you know.”
A park ranger is explaining the difference between a raven and a crow. “A raven has six pinions on each wing, and a crow has five pinions on each wing. So really, it’s just a matter of a pinion.”
The father asked his son why he got poor grades in English.
The son said, “I don’t like to read.”
The father said, “What’s wrong? Are you dyslexic?”
The boy said, “On.”
Obituary: The world champion crossword puzzler died today. In a quiet ceremony he was buried 6 down and 3 across.
Why don’t Junior Leaguers go to orgies?
Too many thank-you notes.
A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, “I haven’t eaten anything in four days.”
She looked at him and said, “God, I wish I had your willpower.”
A manic-depressive goes away on vacation and sends a postcard back to his psychiatrist:
“Having a wonderful time…wish I were dead.”
“These turkeys in your frozen food section seem so small. Do they get any bigger?”
“No ma’am, they’re dead.”
One day the captain of the royal barge went down to address the slaves chained to the oars. “Men, the good news is that the queen will be joining us today for a trip up the river. The bad news is she wants to go water skiing.”
The man who wrote the Hokey-Pokey died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into his coffin. They put his left leg in. Then the trouble started.
“Boat number 99, come in, please. Your time is up. Return to the dock immediately or I’ll have to charge you overtime.”
“Boss, we only have 75 boats. There is no number 99.”
“Boat number 66, are you in trouble?”
A police dog responds to an ad for work with the FBI. “Well,” says the personnel director, “You’ll have to meet some strict requirements. First, you must type at least 60 words per minute.”
Sitting down at the typewriter, the dog types out 80 words per minute.
“Also,” says the director, “You must pass a physical and complete the obstacle course.”
This perfect canine specimen finishes the course in record time.
“There’s one last requirement,” the director continues; “you must be bilingual.”
With confidence, the dog looks up at him and says, “Meow!”
There’s been a falling-out between Madonna and Cher. Apparently they’re no longer on a first-name basis.
Did you hear about the invisible man who married the invisible woman?
Yeah, their kids aren’t much to look at either.
I have a stepladder. It’s a very nice stepladder. But it’s sad that I never knew my real ladder.
A man is lost in the desert. He walks for miles and he’s dying of thirst when he sees a tent ahead and cries out, “Water! Please, water!”
A Bedouin comes out of the tent and says, “How’d you like to buy a jacket and tie?”
The man says, “No, I need water. Please.”
The Bedouin says there’s a tent about two kilometers south where the man can get water.
The man drags himself over the burning sands for two kilometers to the next tent, where he collapses and cries out, “Water!”
A Bedouin comes out in a tuxedo and says, “I’m sorry, but you’ll need a jacket and tie.”
Three samurai meet to decide which is the greatest swordsman. The judge approached the first samurai and opened a small box. Out flew a fly. The samurai’s sword flashed through the air and the fly fell to the ground, sliced in half. “Very impressive,” said the judge. Now the judge came to the second samurai and again opened a small box. The samurai’s sword flashed twice and the fly fell neatly cut into four parts. “Superb!” exclaimed the judge. Finally it was the third samurai’s turn. The Judge opened a third small box and a third fly buzzed out. The samurai’s sword flashed through the air and the fly continued to buzz away. The third samurai put up his sword with a satisfied grin on his face. “But the fly still lives,” observed the judge. “True,” replied the samurai, “But he will never have children.”
Charles, the son of an ailing rich man, decided he was going to need a woman to enjoy life with when his dad died. He went to a singles’ bar, saw a beautiful woman, and walked up to her and said, “I’m just an ordinary man, but in a week or two my father will die and I’ll inherit twenty million dollars.”
The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother.
Why not say “288” in polite conversation?
Because it’s two gross.
A nearsighted whale was following the submarine. Every time it shot a torpedo, the whale passed out cigars.
Some turtles went on a picnic. It took them ten days to get there, and when they arrived they realized they’d forgotten the bottle opener. So they told the littlest one to go back for it. He said, “No, as soon as I go you’ll eat the sandwiches.” But they promised they wouldn’t, and he left. They waited for him ten days, twenty days, and after thirty days they were so hungry they had to eat a sandwich. And as soon as they took a bite, the turtle came out from behind a rock and said, “See? That’s why I’m not going!”
A waitress comes to the table where Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting.
“Can I get you something to drink, Monsieur Sartre?”
“Yes, I’d like a cup of coffee with sugar, but no cream.”
“Ah. I am so sorry, Monsieur Sartre, but we are all out of cream. How about with no milk?”
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?”
The kid says, “Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas.”
Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. “How many sales did you make today?”
Kid says, “One.”
The boss says, “Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?”
The kid says “$101,237.64”
The boss says “$101,237.64? What did you sell?”
The kid says, “First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Blazer.”
The boss said, “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?”
The kid says, “No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, ‘Well, your weekend’s shot, you might as well go fishing.’”
An old blind man was standing on the corner when his dog cocked its leg and pissed all over the man’s trousers. The man reached into his pocket and pulled out a dog biscuit. “You shouldn’t reward him for doing something like that,” said a passerby. “He’ll never learn.”
“I’m not rewarding him,” replied the blind man. “I’m just trying to find his mouth so I can kick him in the ass!”
A guy was driving down the road and ran over a rooster, and he felt guilty, so he stopped and went up to the farmhouse and said to the farmer, “I’d like to replace your rooster,” and the farmer said, “Okay. The chickens are out back.”
A guy in a restaurant yells to the waiter, “Hey, there’s a fly in my soup.” The waiter replies, “It’s possible. The cook used to be a tailor.”
A guy is driving down the road and sees a farmer lifting a pig up under an apple tree. Each time the farmer lifts the pig up, it bites off an apple. The guy in the car stops and asks what’s going on. The farmer says, “I’m feeding my pig.” The guy in the car says, “If you shook the apples down on the ground and let the pig eat them that way, wouldn’t that save a lot of time?” And the farmer says, “What’s time to a pig?”
If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?
I’d choose the one who’s living.
So this frog goes to a psychic and the psychic tells him, “You are going to meet a beautiful young woman who will want to know intimate things about you.”
The frog says, “That’s great! Will I meet her at a party?”
The psychic says, “No, next week in her biology class.”
A family decided to go into cattle ranching and bought some land out West and a hundred head of cattle. The father wanted to call the ranch the Bar-J and his wife liked the name Suzy-Q, and their son thought it should be the Flying-W, and their daughter wanted to call it Lazy-Y. So they compromised and called it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y, and unfortunately none of the cattle survived the branding.
“Would you like a cup of coffee?”
“No, thanks. When I drink coffee, I can’t sleep.”
“Huhh. In my case it’s the other way around. When I sleep, I can’t drink coffee.”
“Hello? Is this the fire department?”
“Yes.”
“Listen, my house is on fire! You’ve got to come right away! It’s terrible!”
“Okay, how do we get to your house?”
“You don’t have those big red trucks anymore?”
“Sadie, I—I tink I svallowed a bone.”
“Are you choking, Hyman?”
“No, I’m serious!”
A horse is tied up at a hitching post. A little dog comes along and starts playing around the horse. The horse gets annoyed and starts pawing the ground.
The dog looks up and asks, “What are you doing that for?”
The horse looks down and says, “Well, I’ll be damned, a talking dog.”
“Mr. Johnson, I want to speak with you about your son. I discovered him playing doctor with my daughter!”
“Well, it’s only natural for children that age to explore their sexuality in the form of play.”
“Sexuality?! He took out her appendix!”
“Miss Francis, I ain’t got no crayons.”
“Young man, you mean, I don’t have any crayons. You don’t have any crayons. We don’t have any crayons. They don’t have any crayons. Do you see what I’m getting at?”
“I think so. What happened to all the crayons?”
One night, a caveman comes running into his cave and says, “Whew! There was a tiger chasing me all the way across the savannah!”
His wife says, “Why?”
The caveman says, “I didn’t stop to ask!”
Two cows are lying in a field. One of them says to the other, “So, what do you think about this mad cow disease?”
The other says, “What do I care? I’m a helicopter.”
I’ve got a dining room set that goes back to Louis the Fourteenth. That is, unless I pay Louis by the thirteenth.
I was driving to work the other day when I hit a pig. I was just gonna drive away when I thought better of it and called the police to tell them.
The dispatcher said, “Thanks for calling us, but don’t you go anywhere. It’s illegal to hit livestock in this state. That’s a $300 fine.”
So I hung up, got in the car, and drove off. When I got to work there was a cop waiting for me. He gave me a ticket for $300. When I asked him how he found me he said, “The pig squealed.”
I was walking down the street and saw two guys trying to steal an old lady’s handbag. She was putting up quite a fight, and I didn’t know if I should get involved or not. Finally I decided to help, and it didn’t take the three of us very long to get it away from her.
The baby snake says to the mommy snake, “Mommy, are we poisonous?”
The mommy snake says, “Why do you ask?”
And the baby snake says, “Because I just bit my tongue.”
Two penguins are standing on an iceberg. One penguin says to the other, “You look like you’re wearing a tuxedo.”
The other penguin replies, “Who says I’m not?”
A male and female pigeon made a date to meet on the ledge outside the fiftieth floor of the Chrysler Building. The female was there on time, but the male arrived an hour late.
“Where were you? I was worried sick.”
“It was such a nice day, I decided to walk.”
A girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents and they were horrified by his greasy hair, tattoos, dirty language, and air of hostility. After he left, the mother said, “Dear, he doesn’t seem like a very nice person.”
And the daughter said, “Mother, if he wasn’t a nice person, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”
One day a guy answers his door and finds a snail at his doorstep. The guy picks it up and tosses it into the garden.
Two years later, he hears a knock on his door. He opens the door and finds the same snail. And the snail says, “Hey, what was that all about?”
This man buys a pet parrot and brings him home. But the parrot starts cursing him and using terrible language and insulting his wife, so finally the man picks up the parrot and throws him in the freezer to teach him a lesson.
He hears the parrot squawking and screaming in there for a while, and then all of a sudden the parrot is quiet. So the man opens the freezer door, and the parrot walks out, looks up at him, and says, “I apologize for offending you, and I humbly ask your forgiveness.”
The man says, “Well, thank you, I forgive you.”
And the parrot says, “If you don’t mind my asking, what did the chicken do?”
In the middle of a show, a guy stands up and yells at the ventriloquist, “Hey! You’ve been making enough jokes about us Polish people! Cut it out!”
The ventriloquist says, “Take it easy. They’re only jokes!”
And the guy says, “I’m not talking to you. I’m talking to that little guy sitting on your knee!”
Two ladies are sitting next to each other on the plane, one from the north and one from the south. The lady from the south turns to the lady from the north and says, “Where y’all from?”
The lady from the north says, “We are from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.”
The flight continues for an hour or so, and finally the lady from the south says, “So where y’all from, bitch?”
Woman running for garbage truck: Am I too late for the garbage?
Garbage man: No, no. Hop right in.
Hotel Clerk: Would you like the sixty dollar room or the eighty dollar room?
Guest: What’s the difference?
Clerk: The eighty dollar room has free TV.
When I was a kid, we were so poor that when my little brother broke his arm we had to take him out to the airport for x-rays.
We were so poor, my dad would eat Cheerios with a fork so he could pass the milk around the table.
We were so poor, we’d lick stamps for dinner.
We were so poor, we didn’t even use the “O” and “R.”
What’s the birth rate in your town?
Same as everywhere: one per person.
A dog owner takes his sick dog to the vet. The vet examines the dog and pronounces it terminally ill. The pet owner requests a second opinion. So the vet brings his own kitten in, and the kitten examines the sick dog and shakes his head. The pet owner requests another opinion. This time the vet brings in his Labrador retriever, who jumps up on the examining table with the sick dog, sniffs and licks it, and then also shakes his head. The pet owner, now convinced, asks how much he owes the doctor. The doctor says he owes $650. The pet owner, surprised, asks why the bill is so high. The doctor replies that the exam was only $50; the additional $600 was for the cat scan and the lab test.
What do you get when you use LSD along with birth control pills?
A trip without the kids.
“We went to this wonderful restaurant today and I can’t remember the name of it. What’s that flower with the sharp thorns that can be red, white, or pink?”
“Rose?”
“Yeah. Hey, Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant?”
My father decided that I should learn how to swim. We went to one of the lakes in the area, and my father put a boat in the water. He rowed me out a little way from shore and threw me overboard. I swam back to shore. He took me out farther and threw me overboard again. Again, I swam back to shore. He took me out still farther, to the deepest part of the lake, and threw me overboard once more. I swam back to shore again. That’s how I learned to swim. Actually, learning to swim wasn’t the hard part—it was getting out of that burlap bag.
A visitor to a dude ranch is walking around the corral one day and sees one of the older hands feeding the horses. He walks over and strikes up a conversation.
“How long have you worked here?” he asks.
“Twenty-five years,” the ranch hand says.
“Ever had any accidents?”
“Nope,” says the ranch hand, “none at all.”
“Really?” says the visitor. “Twenty-five years, and not a single problem?”
“Well,” says the ranch hand, “I did get bit on the hand by a horse once.”
“Well, isn’t that an accident?” asks the visitor.
“Nope,” says the ranch hand. “He bit me on purpose.”
Ticket seller: Excuse me, ma’am. Your son is traveling on a child’s ticket?! How old is he?
Mother: He’s four years old.
Ticket seller: He looks at least twelve to me.
Mother: Can I help it if he worries?
“So I came into town around midnight, but there was only one hotel and the clerk said every room was taken.”
“So what did you do?”
“I begged. I got down on my knees. I said, ‘You’ve got to have a room. Anything. Please.’”
“And?”
“Finally, she said, ‘Well, I do have a double room with only one occupant, and probably he wouldn’t mind splitting the cost, but to tell you the truth, he snores so loud that people down the hall complain about it. You won’t get a minute of sleep.”’
“So what’d you do?”
“I took the room.”
“How’d you sleep?”
“No problem.”
“Didn’t the other guy snore?”
“No. I got dressed for bed, went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, ‘Goodnight, beautiful,’ and he sat up all night watching me.”
Sad man: Lady, I wonder if you wouldn’t give a few bucks to help out a poor family here in the neighborhood. The father is dead, the mother is too sick to work, the nine children are hungry, and they’re about to be thrown out into the street unless they can pay their rent.
Woman: How terrible! Are you a friend of theirs?
Sad man: I’m their landlord.
My computer has a virus called the PBS virus. Every hour it freezes up and asks for money.
Did you hear about the robbery at the public radio station?
The thieves got away with $25,000 in pledges.
A group from Chicago spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas. One of the men on that trip won $100,000. He didn’t want anyone to know about it, so he decided not to return with the others. He took a later plane home, arriving back at 3 a.m. He immediately went out to the backyard of his house, dug a hole, and planted the money in it. The following morning he walked outside and found only an empty hole. He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute. On the same street lived a professor who understood sign language and was a friend of the deaf man. Grabbing his pistol, the enraged man went to awaken the professor, and he dragged him over to the deaf man’s house.
“You tell this guy that if he doesn’t give me back my $100,000, I’m going to kill him!” he screamed at the professor. The professor conveyed the message to his friend, and his friend replied in sign language, “I hid it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree.”
The professor turned to the man with the gun and said, “He’s not going to tell you. He said he’d rather die first.”
What’s big and gray and wrote gloomy poetry?
T. S. Elephant.
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa.
When it comes right down to it, dyslexics have more nuf.
What do the letters DNA stand for?
National Dyslexics’ Association.
A man was walking down the street with two suitcases when a stranger came up and asked, “Have you got the time?”
The man put down the suitcases, looked at his wristwatch, and said, “It’s exactly five forty-six and fifty-point-six seconds, and the barometric pressure is 30.06 and rising, and if you’d like to see where we are by satellite positioning, I can show you that, too, or get onto the Internet, check your e-mail, make a long-distance call, or send a fax. It’s also a pager, it plays recorded books, and it receives FM.”
The stranger said, “That’s amazing. I’ve got to have that watch. I’ll pay you.”
The guy said, “Oh, no, it’s not ready for sale yet. I’m the inventor. I’m still working out the bugs.”
The stranger offered him ten thousand, fifteen, twenty— finally the guy sold it for twenty-five thousand. He took the watch off his wrist, and the stranger walked away with it. The guy held up the suitcases and called, “Don’t you want the batteries?”
Painter: What’s your opinion of my painting?
Critic: It’s worthless.
Painter: I know, but I’d like to hear it anyway.
“You lied to me. You told me your father was dead, when in fact he’s been in prison all these years.”
“Well, I don’t call that living.”
“And he shot a priest.”
“It was a white collar crime.”
Man: I hate this modern art. What a piece of crap that is.
Woman: No, that’s a Picasso.
Man: What about this one with all these crazy squiggles?
Woman: That’s a Kandinsky.
Man: Okay, how about this one where the guy’s got a pencil neck, his nose is upside down, and his eyes are on the same side of his head?
Woman: That’s a mirror.
“Hey, Bob, remember when you and I went fishing up north nine months ago and the car broke down in that thunderstorm and we wound up spending the night at that farm owned by that gorgeous widow—you remember?”
“Yeah.”
“You remember the gorgeous widow?”
“Yeah.”
“And she had that big fabulous house and we slept in the guest wing and she was over in her wing and the next morning we got in our car and headed north and went fishing—you remember?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, nine months later, I get a letter from her attorney.”
“Oh?”
“Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night and go pay her a visit?”
“I did. Yes.”
“And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?”
“I’m sorry. I did. Why do you ask?”
“She just died and left me everything.”
A businessman in New York called his mother on Long Island. “Mom, it’s me.”
“Don’t worry about not calling. If I had a stroke, probably it wouldn’t be that bad.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t worry about not visiting me. If I were on the floor I could probably drag myself over to the phone and call for help.”
“Mom, I’ve been terribly busy. I’m awfully sorry. But we’re coming this weekend, the whole family. Me and Doris and the kids.”
“Doris?”
“My wife, Doris.”
“Your wife’s name is Hannah!”
“Is this 516-555-9312?”
“9313.”
“Oh, I’m terribly sorry, Madam.”
“You mean you’re not coming?”
I was having an asthma attack when I got an obscene phone call and after a couple minutes the guy said, “Wait. Did I call you or did you call me?”
Waitress: What can I get you?
Customer: Couple of eggs.
Waitress: How would you like those eggs cooked?
Customer: Yeah, I would.