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I’m dreaming, I tell myself, like I have so many nights before. Only, as I roll to my side squeezing my legs closed, the imprint of Ethan’s throbbing, impressive denim covered cock pressing into me causes a painful throbbing, and the triangle of my silk thong is unbearably wet. My whole body is aching from the unfulfilled need for the orgasm I was shockingly close to simply from his mouth on mine as he ground into me. Without thought, I cup my breasts, trying to assuage painfully tight nipples. Only one thought is clear, Ethan wants me.
The manwhore his sister swore never wanted anyone above a size four has just ravaged my mouth with a hunger that would have been scary if it hadn’t matched my own. Closing my eyes, I can still taste him, overwhelming my senses. The feel of his hard muscled body pressing into mine has me rolling over pressing myself against the soft silky comforter as heat rushes through me all over again. Ethan very clearly wanted me, yet, as I offered myself to him he pulled away, saying he was sorry. Was he sorry because he thought I wasn’t truly aware of who I was more than saying yes to? I knew exactly who was kissing me, who I wanted.
After believing for so long that Ethan could never want me, fighting my desire for him every day, dreaming of him every night, this moment should be full of joy. Only Ethan isn’t here with me now. I’m hollow inside. How could he walk away? Was he afraid I would get clingy? Did he think I wanted more than he was willing to give?
I want him badly. I’m willing to take him on any terms, without shame or a trace of dignity. If it was simply once or twice, even a few days, I’ll take them without complaint. I can admit I lost all sense of pride for wanting him after only two weeks of working for him. I have no idea exactly why, or the exact moment it happened. I just know it has. Maybe it was the moment we stood in the glass box at the observation deck, with his arm around me showing me why he was the way he was. Or, maybe it was the moment he told me I was coming home with him, refusing to let me stay in an environment I found unbearable.
There isn’t a part of me that thinks underneath the surface there is a sweet, gentle guy ready to be unearthed for boyfriend material. While he can be sweet, and show genuine caring affection for Amelia, I know it’s because she’s his sister. Somewhere in the past maybe, because of another woman, his father, or simply the world, he’d turned into someone unwilling to form ties.
Bobby Dillard taught me a man could give incredible pleasure to a woman without caring about her at all. It had been three years since I’ve met a man I thought I could deal with having sex only. For Ethan, I’m more than willing.
Tomorrow I would find out exactly why Ethan was sorry. Then I’d make sure he knew I wasn’t.
****
My alarm goes off, after so little sleep last night it’s painful to open my eyes. Stumbling into the bathroom, I wake up a little in the shower. When I button my jeans, I’m wondering if they’re looser than when I tried them on. It has been two weeks of almost daily workouts, just walking and now five pound weights. I’m up to a half hour which Roseanne said was best to maintain now I’m up to six on the incline. In a good mood from that, I go out to begin making his morning snack. Last night I had made the decision to act as if nothing was different, until he was sitting down for breakfast. If I did it before, he’d probably run from the condo without coming back until one in the morning.
His plan is apparently also to pretend as if last night didn’t happen. He barely looks at me, let alone speaks to me. It doesn’t bode well for getting him to talk to me at breakfast, but I can’t back down. I sure as hell can’t let it go.
When he comes back from working out I’m almost done with his breakfast. I take it into the dining room before he’s out of his room. I’m in the kitchen cleaning up as he sits down. Taking a fortifying drink of my own coffee, with a deep breath, I go into the dining room. I rest my hands on the other end of the long table, he doesn’t look up. “What were you sorry about?”
He sighs. “Holly, don’t do this. Last night shouldn’t have happened. Let it go so we can continue as things are, in relative peace.”
I don’t know why, but I’m most pissed by the way he doesn’t take his eyes off the paper in his hand as he answers me. “Answer me this, would you have kissed anyone that way, been that turned on by any woman, or was it because it was me?”
No answer, his eyes don’t move from the paper.
Asshole. “I knew exactly who was kissing me, and I wanted it last night. I still want you today. I’m willing to take you on your terms. There won’t be any fantasies of hand holding and cuddling at bedtime. When it’s over, I’ll go back to my bed. When you want the whole thing to be over, then I’ll accept it without begging for more time, or bothering you. We can go back to normal—as if nothing happened. All I want from you is sex. Don’t worry, I’m not a virgin. That’s how I know all I want is sex. This wouldn’t even be my first no-strings relationship.”
Still nothing, although I notice his jaw has hardened and the hand holding his paper has turned into a fist.
“Say something, damn it!”
Putting down the paper, he gets up. Without looking at me, he says only. “It can’t happen.” Then walks out the front door.
I pull out a chair as my legs give out. Staring at his barely touched breakfast, I’m at a complete loss. Without embarrassment, I call Amelia. When she answers, I don’t prevaricate. “Why doesn’t Ethan want to want me?”
Her answer is a curse word, it’s still a shock to hear her swear. “Holly, I have to admit I thought in the beginning it would be a good thing for you two to get together, only I know it’s not now. Don’t, please don’t get involved with Ethan. You’ll only end up hurt, in the end.”
“I’m not an idiot, I’m not picturing prams or happily-ever-after with him. I know who he is, that’s why I don’t understand why a manwhore like him is refusing to even consider taking what I’ve offered. While I’m not pretending to be an expert on men, I’m pretty sure the man wants me. What in the hell is going on?”
“I love you. Please don’t put me in this position.” She’s begging me.
Not relenting, I press her. “I love you, too. If you know the reason why then please be honest with me.”
Amelia’s voice is so strangled it’s barely more than a whisper. “Remember when I said he’s been with every nationality but never with anyone bigger than a size four? His suits, his career, his condo, the way he wants his breakfast in the morning. Ethan wants perfection in everything, including the women he’s with. You deserve better than him. Whatever has happened forget it, for your sake. I have to go.” Amelia ends the call.
I let the tears fall, once again I’m too fat to be wanted. Now I understand why Ethan didn’t say a word.
I’m not sure how long I sit there before I get up to clean on autopilot. I’ve just finished the kitchen when the phone rings.
“Hello?”
“Hi, this is Brian from Jack’s Humidor. Is Mr. Bishop available?”
“Not at this moment, if you want to leave a message I can make sure he gets it.” I go into the office to take the message down.
“Okay, I’m embarrassed to admit the other night when he was in, he took the receipts with him instead of signing them at the end of the night. While I’m sure it was an accident, if he could please make sure to come by tonight to sign them, that would be great. Even though he’s been in almost every night the past few weeks, of course he wasn’t in last night. So, um, it would be great if he came in tonight. I’ll give him a scotch on the house for the trouble.”
What? “Did you say he’s been in almost every night?”
“Yeah, for the last few weeks almost every night. He usually closes the place down.”
“And his companion. Does she need to come in and sign anything?”
“Oh, um, no. He never comes in with anyone.”
“Can I ask you what time he comes in?” He’s silent for a moment. “Just in case I miss him at the office.”
“Well, most nights it’s around ten.”
I thank him and hang up. There haven’t been any women since I started. The memory of his kiss tells me everything I need to know. Ethan had kissed me like a man who, after starving, was finally being fed. He’s been taking women out to dinner, getting their perfume on him, then going on to the club to stay out late. A manwhore who usually went through women like a person with a cold went through tissues hasn’t been with anyone in weeks. Remembering his hard-as-steel cock pressing against me, it wasn’t because he wasn’t up to performing.
After talking with Amelia, I really was going to let it go, only now I know I can’t. I just can’t.