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As Holly tells me, without blinking an eye, her doctor wants to see her immediately to change her birth control, ice skims down my back. Even Holly looks scared for a moment, until she thinks it through. I’m a little reassured by her thoughts, yet, still can’t shake a sliver of concern. I cling to her words. She couldn’t be pregnant, there isn’t a single sign, no morning sickness or aversions to smells, and her beautiful breasts haven’t changed. I’ll feel better, though, hearing it from the doctor directly. Only, I don’t say that when she questions me about going with her.
When she falls asleep in my arms, I study her body in the jeans and silky thin blouse she’s wearing. If anything, her body has become more toned, her stomach, while still soft, is no longer as rounded as it had once been. She’s still small to me, my hand covers her stomach completely. Even though we’ve never talked about it, I have no doubt she wants children. The way she talked about working with children... her face softened with longing. Holly would be an amazing mother, it’s easy to picture her not just holding a baby, but getting down on the floor with a toddler, either having tea parties or playing with cars while making all the right noises.
As I look around the condo, I couldn’t see a child playing here, the living room scattered with toys. For the first time, I’m not sure what I’m feeling, children have always been a no without even thinking about it. Yet, the idea of a miniature Holly with big brown eyes and chubby cheeks smiling at me in greeting has my chest feeling hollow. I carry her to bed, trying not to think about something that wasn’t even an option. Children meant commitment, no more twelve-hour days, and putting someone else before my needs. I’m not ready for any of it, I’m not sure if I ever will be.
The next morning, it feels like it takes forever until we arrive at the doctor’s office. I’m glad we’re shown to the back quickly, but it doesn’t seem safe—Holly not wanting to have a period. Checking the doctor online, I see she is highly degreed as well as respected. I trust in her assurance the continuous taking of the pill is safe for Holly. Then the nurse sticks her head back in the room and nonchalantly sends a kick into my chest. It shouldn’t have been a surprise, yet, I feel as if someone has torn off my arm then handed it back to me.
As I’m getting out of the car Holly stops me, I know she’s confused, so am I. All I can do is kiss her goodbye while I try to figure out what the fuck is wrong with me.
All I want to do is get to my office, except I don’t make it out of the elevator five steps before a receptionist stops me. “Sir, Ms. Barker would like to see you.”
Fuck, fine. With a nod, I head toward Karen’s office. Her door is open, which isn’t common for Karen. When she sees me, she waves me in. “Ethan, can you close the door? You have me worried this morning.”
My mind still in turmoil, I only shrug. “You wanted to see me?”
Karen gives me a long look. Despite her being one of the few partners I genuinely like and respect, I don’t fill the silence. Giving up, she sighs. “I am concerned about you not attending the Mimi Delancy opening in New York last month. Then you were MIA for the de Roux reopening a few weeks ago. There is an expectation for you to attend the important events your clients hold and which you had a part in.”
“You know I don’t like to travel, Mimi knows it as well. There’s a reason I have few clients in New York. Mimi understood about my not attending, she didn’t expect me to attend. During the de Roux reopening Holly wasn’t feeling well and I didn’t want to leave her alone. I made my apologies to Charles personally, he told me not to worry. He joked it was a good thing, he didn’t want to be billed for me being there.”
“And this has gone pretty much the way I expected it. We can say we discussed it and get on with the day. You will be there for the Bainbridge gala next week.” It’s not a question.
“Of course.” Fuck, I’d forgotten. Forcing a smile, I leave before she presses me any further.
In my office, I try to lose myself in work, except I can’t. Again, I’m back in the doctor’s office with the nurse off-handedly sending me into a tailspin. It should have been relief, only I’m far from feeling relief. Right now, I know I don’t want children, yet, what I had said to Holly I meant. A tomorrow without Holly isn’t something I even want to think about. Only now, the idea of Holly wanting a life with children makes it something I have to consider.