PART TWO
Business School
OVERVIEW
Rob stood at the whiteboard like a professor, more enthusiastic about his assignment than Theresa would have guessed. “Okay, Theresa. You’re smart, and you have a pretty good understanding of what Jude and I do, so I’m going to move pretty fast and let you stop me if you have any questions. But you have to promise that you’ll ask if something doesn’t make sense. All right?”
Theresa nodded. “Just remember, my mind has been stuck in diapers and carpools and preschool for the past nine years. Don’t assume I know too much.”
“I think you’ll do fine. As Jude always says, what we do is extraordinarily simple.”
Theresa nodded to indicate she’d heard her husband say that many times.
Rob began. “One of the most important things we do, maybe the most important, is helping companies achieve what we call organizational clarity.”
He wrote the two words on the whiteboard. “If the executives who lead an organization are not clear and on the same page about how to answer a number of basic questions, they cannot possibly be successful.”
“What kinds of questions?” Theresa wanted to know.
Before Rob could answer, Nancy came into the conference room.
Theresa was suddenly concerned. “How is Sophia doing? Is she keeping you away from your work?”
Nancy smiled. “Not at all. She’s a joy. I just wanted to let you know that Jude’s on the phone.”
“Who does he want to talk to?” asked Theresa.
“Both of you. He’s on line three.”
Nancy left and Rob pushed a button and activated the speakerphone. He let Theresa talk first.
“Hey there, honey. How was your flight?”
“It was fine. A few minutes late, actually. I’m on my way to the hotel right now.”
Rob chimed in, teasing. “Hi, honey. How’s the weather in Vancouver?”
“It’s raining, sweetie.”
Theresa shook her head at the goofy men.
Jude changed the subject. “Hey, if you guys are going to be getting together behind my back, at least pick someplace a little more discreet.”
They laughed.
“What are you doing at the office today, Theresa?”
She explained about the doctor appointment and how she forgot that Jude was out of town, and how Rob and Nancy had talked her into staying for lunch and the lecture.
“I bet you’re taking copious notes,” Jude teased his wife.
Rob explained, “We just got started but she’s got her pad and paper ready to go.”
Theresa teased back. “Ask Jude who got better grades in college. And then ask him who takes better notes.”
They laughed, until Jude said that he had an appointment in twenty minutes and had to go.
After saying their good-byes, Rob and his pupil resumed the lesson.
“Okay, where were we?”
Good student that she was, Theresa reminded him. “We were talking about the questions that an executive team has to answer in order to achieve organizational clarity.”
“Right. So, there are six questions.” He went to the board and began to write them down as Theresa transcribed them all.
CORE PURPOSE
As soon as they were done writing, they dove in, spending the better part of the next hour going over some of the nuances related to the six questions on the board, and reviewing as many examples from clients and other high-profile companies as they could.
“The core purpose at Mary Kay Cosmetics has nothing to do with makeup—it’s all about giving women opportunities in business,” Rob explained. “And Nike’s core purpose is about giving customers a sense of being a competitor. Southwest Airlines, on the other hand, has a more direct core purpose: to make travel affordable for everyone.”
“Why does an organization really need a core purpose?” Theresa asked.
“Well, companies need to remember why they exist so they don’t lose their way and start getting into markets and businesses that aren’t consistent with what they’re all about. And they need to give their employees a sense of purpose. If you don’t care about women having business opportunities, you shouldn’t work at Mary Kay and they shouldn’t hire you. And if you’re not a big believer in competitive sports, Nike isn’t going to be someplace where you’re excited about going to work.”
Theresa nodded her head, though she could have asked a few more questions. “I don’t think I need to worry about this for our family. The purpose is pretty clear. And I don’t have much time, so I think we ought to move on to the next one.”
Rob was glad to oblige.
CORE VALUES
“The key to core values is not having too many of them. Companies tend to get this wrong by compiling a list of five or ten or fifteen words that all sound nice but aren’t really an accurate, fundamental part of the real culture.”
“Why do they do that?” Theresa seemed particularly curious about this topic.
“Because they want to cover all their bases, and they confuse core values with other kinds.”
“I think I remember Jude talking about this a few years ago. What are the other kinds of values?”
“Aspirational, permission-to-play, and accidental.”
“This sounds a little complicated.”
“It’s not. Just start by focusing on core values. Those are the traits or qualities that are fundamental parts of an organization’s culture. You don’t make them up, you just look around and describe what’s already true. Forget what you wish you were, or what the perfect family next door is, and focus on what you are at your core.”
Theresa smiled and continued writing. “Keep going,” she said.
“Aspirational values, on the other hand, are the ones you wish you had because it would make your organization better.”
“But it’s not necessarily a reality, right?”
“In fact, it’s not a reality by definition, which is why an organization would aspire to adopt it.”
“What about the next one? Permission to—?”
“Permission-to-play. Those are the values that often seem generic, because in reality they’re the minimum standards for working at a company. Without them, you don’t have permission to play, or work, at a company. Honesty. Respect. Integrity. That kind of thing. Very few companies can honestly say that honesty and respect are their core values, but that’s a longer story for another time.”
Theresa nodded and wrote down what he was saying, so Rob continued with the last kind of values that get confused with the core.
“Accidental values are those that aren’t necessarily good for a company, but exist. Sometimes they have to be eliminated or closely watched.”
“For instance?”
“Like here at our firm. There was a time when everyone we hired had little kids. We’d talk about poopy diapers and Little League and kindergarten all the time. After a while we wondered whether a nonparent would be comfortable here, like a recent college grad or a semi-retired person or someone who was single. We felt like we might be missing out on people who shared our core values but didn’t necessarily share our accidental value of parenthood.”
“So it’s not necessarily a bad thing.”
“Not at all. Being a parent is awesome. It’s just not a requirement for fitting into our firm.”
“Unless it’s part of your core.”
“Exactly.” Rob went back to the lesson. “So, when you confuse your core values with your aspirational, permission-to-play, and accidental ones, you end up with a very long list of generic-sounding values that only inspire cynicism among employees—who think the executives are in denial about the real culture of the company.”
Now Theresa got it. “Yeah, a few weeks ago I saw a sign in the elevator of a hospital that said their core values were . . . ,” she thought about it for a moment before slowly ticking off the ones she could remember, “innovation, quality, teamwork, customer service, patient care, integrity, financial responsibility.” She hesitated, before continuing, “They also had community service and diversity and environmentalism in there.”
They laughed.
Rob continued. “And that’s what makes people cynical about values.”
Theresa seemed to be arriving at something. “You know, for all the talk you hear about family values, no one ever really says what they are. I’ve got to believe that figuring out what a family’s core values are would make things a lot clearer.”
Rob nodded. “I haven’t really thought about it like that before, but I think that makes a lot of sense.”
Theresa was excited now. “Okay, I’m feeling good about values. Let’s move on.”
BUSINESS DEFINITION
“The next thing is the business definition. That’s just a simple, one-sentence description of what a company actually does. Without adverbs or fancy words.”
“Can you give me some examples?”
“Sure. Nike designs, manufactures, markets, and sells shoes, athletic apparel, and equipment. Southwest Airlines flies passengers around in planes. Disney operates theme parks, television networks, movie studios, and retail stores.”
“That’s it?” Theresa was unimpressed.
“That’s it.”
“Why do you even have that one in there? I mean, I can’t believe any company would need to talk about that.”
“You’d be surprised. Some companies don’t really agree on whether they’re a product or a services company. Others have quiet disagreements about what line of business they should be in, but don’t really get into it until they have this conversation during one of our sessions.”
“So you make them talk about this for a long time?”
“No. It’s generally a five- or ten-minute conversation, sometimes less, sometimes a little more. But it’s important to get the definition right before moving on to the other topics.”
“Well. That one doesn’t seem particularly important for families.” Theresa was ready to move on, but then suddenly seemed a little confused.
“Hey, when does Nike decide what kind of shoes to design, and where to sell them, and whether they should use child labor to manufacture them? And when does Southwest Airlines decide whether to fly to Europe or Canada and what kind of prices they’re going to charge?”
Rob smiled. “That’s the fourth element of clarity.”
Before he could start, Nancy entered carrying sandwiches.
“Do you want to take a break?” Rob offered.
“Is Sophia okay? Is she keeping you away from work?” Theresa asked Nancy.
“Not at all. She’s a dream.”
Theresa looked at the clock. “Let’s not take a break. I’ve got thirty-three minutes left and I think I’m going to need thirty-two and a half of them.”
Rob laughed, and erased part of what he had written to give him more space on the whiteboard.
STRATEGY
“You know, Rob, I have to tell you that as many times as I’ve ou know, Rob, I have to tell you that as many times as I’ve heard people talk about strategy, I can’t really say I know what the word means.”
“You know why that is?”
She shook her head.
“Because no one does.”
Theresa looked confused, so Rob explained.
“Everyone uses it differently, even within the same company. Some people think of strategy as a five-year plan, others see it as short-term tactics. Some people confuse strategy with values or marketing slogans.”
“What about you guys?”
“Well, Jude likes to say that it’s all of those things. And none of them.”
“You’re going to have to explain that one to me.”
Rob looked at the clock. “Okay, but let’s just do the Reader’s Digest version.”
He paused while he collected his thoughts.
“The purpose of a strategy is to differentiate a company, but only after you’ve figured out what your company does, why it does it, and what it stands for.” He pointed to the first three items on the board.
“Then you have to figure out how you’re going to go about doing it in a way that separates you from your competitors. That way everything the company does, every decision it makes, is done for a reason.”
Rob then took some time to provide a number of examples for Theresa, all of which she captured in her notes.
“How do you know when you have the right strategy?”
“You don’t.” Rob paused. “In fact, there’s no such thing.”
“How can that be?”
“What I mean is that there’s more than one way to skin a cat. The key is to know how you’re going to do it and stick to it.”
“But aren’t there some wrong ways to do it?”
“Oh yeah, you can fail if you completely whiff on your strategy. But the most common problem we find in companies is that they don’t really have a strategy at all. They make decisions without anything to guide them, and so they end up with a collection of actions that don’t fit together. Before they know what’s going on, the company has no direction and is just being reactive and opportunistic, chasing down every new idea without knowing why.”
Rob continued. “Part of what we do with our clients is to help them determine what we call their strategic anchors—their three big areas of strategic focus.”
Theresa was writing feverishly now, but needed to verbalize an insight. “It’s kind of like the values. If you try to be everything you end up being nothing. You have to focus on what’s most important.”
Rob nodded, impressed. “Yeah, I think that’s pretty much the key to most of this stuff.”
“Would a family have a strategy?”
“I don’t know of any that do.”
“Isn’t that an issue? I mean, you said that the biggest problem with companies is not having one.”
Before he could answer, Theresa asked a different question. “Could you apply the principles of a strategy to a family?”
Rob thought about it. “I don’t see why not.”
And it was at that moment that Theresa felt like she just might be able to make this work at home.
“Okay, what’s next?”
GOALS
“What’s next is probably the most popular and practically important theory we use with our clients. It’s remarkably simple, but it’s critical that you understand it.”
Theresa looked at the clock on the wall. “Is it simple enough to explain in eleven minutes?”
“I’ll give it my best shot.”
He paused for a few seconds to plan his line of attack.
“Every organization needs to have a top priority. We call it a ‘rallying cry.’”
Theresa nodded her head. “I know this. It’s what Jude came up with when he started the firm. But explain it anyway.”
“Okay, you’ve heard the saying, ‘If everything’s important, nothing is’?”
She wrote it down. “Yeah, Jude says it all the time. Keep going.”
“Essentially, that’s what having a top priority is all about. Making something most important so that nothing distracts the organization from achieving it. It’s about rallying people around one big thing at a time.”
“Can you give me an example from one of your clients?”
“Sure. Let’s see.” He looked out the window as though all the firm’s clients were standing in the parking lot waiting to be chosen. “Okay, we worked with a restaurant recently. A regional chain of Italian restaurants on the East Coast.”
Theresa raised her hand and waited for Rob to acknowledge her before asking her question. “How many locations did they have?”
Rob frowned in thought. “At the time we worked with them, about thirty, seven of which were considered original stores. And they were planning to grow by adding fifteen more in the Midwest during the following twelve months. Which is why they were so concerned about the drop in same-store revenue, and whether that was an indication that they shouldn’t be expanding.”
Theresa nodded as if to say that makes sense, and Rob continued, writing on the whiteboard as he went.
“They looked under the covers a little and decided that a variety of issues were causing the revenue drop. Turnover among waiters and waitresses had begun to rise, most likely because the decrease in business caused their tips to drop. And that led to increased costs of hiring and training.”
Theresa was enjoying the case study. Rob went on.
“Beyond that, the menu hadn’t been updated in any meaningful way in almost two years. And some of the neighborhoods where those older stores were located were getting tired and less desirable for suburban customers. And to top it all off, the company had cut back on radio and television advertising slightly.”
He paused, and asked Theresa a question. “Now, most executive teams would deal with a situation like this in the same way. Can you guess what that might be?”
Theresa looked at the whiteboard where the four issues were listed, and pondered the question. “I don’t know. They all seem pretty important issues to me.”
Rob nodded as if to say that’s what they always say, and asked a different question. “Okay, what would you do if you were in charge?”
She paused, perplexed. “I’d probably try to deal with all of them. I’d change the menu, close restaurants in the worst neighborhoods, find out why people are leaving, and ramp up advertising again.”
Rob nodded, as though he were waiting for more.
Theresa smiled uncomfortably. “What?”
Without cracking a smile, Rob asked, “Well, I was just wondering why you wouldn’t also hire Celine Dion to be the company spokesperson.”
Theresa was a little stunned by the question, then turned sarcastic when she saw Rob smile. “Because I don’t like Celine Dion. And she’s French Canadian. Billy Joel would be better for an Italian restaurant.”
Rob laughed. “You see the problem, though?”
“Well, I guess we wouldn’t be able to afford—”
Rob interrupted. “No, it’s not just about money. I mean, sure, if you tried to do all of that at once, you’d probably have to spread out your finances so much that you’d do a mediocre job in each area. But even if you could afford to hire Billy Joel and increase advertising and move restaurants out of bad neighborhoods and do everything else you might want to do, it creates a problem because it sends the organization scrambling in different directions.”
“I understand that theoretically, but how does that actually look in real life? And shouldn’t people be able to do more than one thing at a time?”
“Yes, but only one thing can be most important.”
Theresa seemed to be coming along, so Rob kept going.
“Imagine this. The marketing VP starts working with ad agencies to design commercials, not to mention trying to book Celine Dion.”
“Billy Joel.”
“Right. At the same time, the operations people are out looking for better real estate for the restaurants in the rundown neighborhoods. And the product people are trying new ideas for low carb diets, while the HR folks are piloting a program for increasing salaries for waiters and waitresses in down-market stores.”
“What’s wrong with that? Isn’t that their jobs?”
“Well, it’s okay if you’re not trying to work as a team. But pretty soon the right hand doesn’t know what the left hand is doing. The marketing folks need the new menu items before they can start advertising. The real estate people want extra budget for new construction and improvements, and the VP of HR is trying to convince the CFO that salary adjustments should come first. People are all rowing in different directions and the boat’s going nowhere.”
“Basically, you’re saying they need to have a common—” she hesitated, trying to think of the right word.
Rob said it for her. “A rallying cry.”
Theresa didn’t raise her hand for the next question. “But how do you know where they should focus or what they should rally around?”
“Well, that’s the $64,000 question, isn’t it? Assuming, of course, that they have the courage not to try to do everything at once.”
“So, did they have the courage?”
“Yeah, eventually we convinced them to take on one issue at a time.”
“What issue did they pick?”
“The menu.”
“Was that the right one?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well, did they turn the company around?”
Rob nodded. “Yes, they did.”
“So it was the right one.”
“Well, I suppose you could say it wasn’t the wrong one.”
Theresa was suddenly a little exasperated with her instructor. “Aren’t you being a little coy here, Rob?”
He smiled, but just a little. “Maybe. But what I’m trying to explain is that what’s more important than choosing the right thing is choosing something. I mean, sure, you want to make the best decision possible. And the executives at that restaurant chain certainly debated which one would be best. Ultimately, they decided that the menu was at the heart of their business, and that if people weren’t excited about the food they offered, changing the other things wouldn’t have a large enough impact. But that doesn’t mean they couldn’t have succeeded if they had chosen better marketing or one of the other priorities.”
“You really think so?”
“Absolutely. The best companies don’t necessarily make right decisions all the time, but they make clear decisions and get their people rallied around them. Microsoft whiffed on the whole Internet thing, and then changed course and ended up doing better than its competitors who might have been intellectually more accurate, but who couldn’t rally their people around the strategy.”
Theresa was sold. “Okay, I think goals make sense, and I don’t see why a family wouldn’t have a rallying cry.”
Rob could tell that Theresa was pushing for closure, so he warned her. “Now, there’s a lot more to goals after you’ve chosen your rallying cry. You need to figure out what specific things you need to do to accomplish your big goal. And then you also need to decide on the regular categories that you have to keep your eye on to keep the business running. But that’s a longer explanation for another time.”
ROLES AND RESPONSIBILITIES
Theresa looked at the clock. “I’m sorry, but I really have to go. Can you tell me about roles and responsibilities later too?” “Sure, but that’s the easiest one of all. It’s just a matter of everyone on the executive team knowing what they have to do when the meeting is over to accomplish whatever it is that they’ve agreed to do.”
Theresa listened as she gathered her notes and purse. “That makes sense. Listen, Rob, I can’t tell you how much I appreciate this. I’m ready to burst with ideas, and I hope I can ask you a few follow-up questions and show you what I come up with when I’m done.”
“Are you kidding? If you don’t, I’ll charge you my hourly rate. And Linda will never speak to you again.”
“Rob, you are a total sweetheart for doing this. I mean it.” Theresa hugged her husband’s business partner and left.
As she strapped her daughter into a booster seat and climbed into her minivan, Theresa suddenly had an overwhelming and somewhat depressing thought. Maybe this is all too complicated for a family. But before she could give it any more consideration, her mind shifted to baby-sitters and grocery lists and carpools. Any thoughts about values and strategies and goals quickly receded to the darkest recesses of Theresa’s brain.
But they would not stay there for long.
REVIEW
The next day was a little busier than normal for Theresa.
After carpool and swim practice, she went home and made her famous sloppy joes for the kids. She then gave Molly, the teenage babysitter from next door, a few instructions about getting the kids to bed, and went to her school board meeting.
Ninety minutes later, Theresa came home exhausted. Fortunately, the babysitter had managed to get all the kids to sleep, and Theresa had some time to relax and clear her head.
Grabbing a Diet Coke and her notes from the meeting with Rob, she went to the kitchen table and prepared to review the lecture from earlier in the day, just as she had done in college. But before she could start, she heard Jude coming through the front door, a little louder than she would have liked.
After throwing his bags onto the floor, he came into the kitchen looking disheveled and worn.
Theresa looked at the clock. “I didn’t expect you until after ten.”
“Yeah, the plane was actually early, if you can believe it. And traffic was no problem.”
He kissed his wife and dropped himself onto the denim couch in the den, which was adjacent to the kitchen.
Theresa joined him there. “How was Vancouver?”
“Vancouver is beautiful. My client is not. In fact, he’s a pain in the butt. But I don’t want to talk about him. What’s new with you? What did Dr. Robbins have to say yesterday?”
After Theresa explained the situation, Jude changed subjects.
“And what about your session with Rob? Did you already know all the stuff he went over?”
Theresa shook her head. “Absolutely not. I remembered some of it, but it’s been quite a while since I had my head in your work. So his lecture was helpful.”
Jude was surprised by her muted answer. “That’s it? Helpful?”
“Well, Rob was wonderful, as usual. And I thought it was very interesting. It’s just I’m a little confused.”
She hesitated, but sensing that her husband was genuinely eager to hear what she had to say, continued. “What exactly were you thinking when you said that your clients would go out of business if they ran their companies like our family?”
Because he was tired, Jude was a little defensive now. “Listen, I never should have said that. But I’ve apologized at least three times and I think you could let up—”
Theresa interrupted. “No, I’m not complaining. It’s just that it would be helpful to know what was going through your mind at the time you said it.”
Jude took a breath and changed his disposition. “Well, to tell you the truth, Theresa, I don’t think I gave it all that much thought. I guess I was just thinking that we’re a little disorganized.”
“Disorganized? Is that really it?”
Jude put his head back on the couch and stared at the ceiling as though his memory were somehow displayed there. “Yeah, I think so. It was really just an expression.”
“Well, that’s disappointing.”
Jude smiled, trying to decide whether he should be amused or annoyed. “Why do you say that?”
“Because I was hoping that you had come to the same conclusion that I came to earlier tonight.”
“Earlier tonight?”
“Yeah, at the school board meeting.”
Suddenly Jude remembered his schedule conflict. “Oh, crap! I hope you told them that I was out of town and that my calendar was double-booked.”
Theresa patted him on the shoulder. “Yes, I did. And they were completely understanding. Mrs. Hourigan wasn’t even there, and without the principal, we wouldn’t have been able to do your strategic planning overview anyway.”
Jude was relieved.
Theresa continued. “But we did talk about the idea of clarifying our mission and our values. And that’s when I had my epiphany.”
“I’m all ears.”
“Well, I realized that the school is putting together a plan, and I know that the church did it last year, and most of the companies in the world do, right?”
He nodded. “Right.”
“So why don’t families?”
Jude looked like he had been asked why champagne didn’t run from the kitchen faucet. “I don’t know. I guess it’s because,” he hesitated, “we’re a family and not a business or an organization.”
“Why are we not an organization?”
Jude raised his eyebrows as he pondered her question. “Well, I guess because we....” He hesitated long enough for Theresa to interrupt.
“You don’t have an answer, do you?”
Jude smiled and shook his head. “Not a clue. I don’t know why we don’t think of families as organizations. In fact, it makes no sense at all.”
Theresa was buoyed by her husband’s admission. “But there must be a reason.”
Jude looked back at the ceiling for another elusive answer. After a full five seconds of consideration he replied, “I think it’s probably because we’re lazy. We like the idea that we can just live our home lives by the seats of our pants, without any real cost.”
“Don’t you think there’s a cost?”
“Sure, but it’s not a very tangible one. And no one gets fired for doing a lousy job.”
Suddenly it occurred to Jude that it might have sounded like he was criticizing his wife again. He moved quickly to clarify. “That’s not directed at you. Because I’m not saying that you’re doing a lousy job. I’m just thinking about the fact that there is no real planning. And that’s not your responsibility alone. It’s both of ours. Or any couple’s.”
Theresa laughed. “Relax, I’m not going to tear into you again. But I appreciate the clarification.”
Jude let out his breath in relief, and continued. “I do think your point is a good one, though. I wouldn’t let the smallest client of mine get away with managing their business without a plan, and yet most parents just wing it when it comes to managing their families.”
“So you think this is the norm?”
“Well, I’ve certainly never met anyone who had a real family plan. I mean, I suppose it’s possible, but you’d think we’d have heard about it by now. The most organized people I know get by with a computer and a whiteboard with a calendar on it, but that hardly constitutes a purposeful approach to domestic management.”
Theresa was starting to get excited. “So let’s do it.”
Jude was tempted to make a joke about getting frisky, but didn’t want to diminish the moment. “Sounds great. When?”
Theresa looked at the clock. “Well, I’m free for the next two hours.”
“Now?” Jude laughed. “I was thinking we could watch some TV and go to bed.”
Theresa shook her head. “Sorry, buddy. It’s time to get to work.”
Jude stared at his wife in amused disbelief. “All right, then.”
LATE NIGHTER
Jude grabbed his laptop and a fistful of Red Vines from the pantry and headed for the kitchen table, where his wife had already spread out her notes.
Theresa was going to drive the conversation. “Where would you usually start with one of your clients?”
“Well, it depends on the client. What industry they’re in and how big they are.”
“So what do you think?” Theresa asked.
“We probably ought to think about a fairly small company. Although now that I think about it, it doesn’t really matter that much. We use mostly the same approach for all our clients.”
Theresa had her notebook in front of her. “Ready when you are.”
Jude began. “Okay, it’s pretty straightforward. We would usually begin by asking them about the reason the company was initially started. . . .”
Theresa dove in. “Right, beyond making money. The core purpose.”
Jude was impressed. “Wow, Rob must have been a good teacher.”
“Nope,” she stated in mock protest. “I’m a good student.”
Theresa smiled and kept driving. “Do you think core purpose is relevant to families? Or is it pretty much the same from one family to another?”
Jude considered the question. “It’s definitely relevant. And no, I don’t think it’s exactly the same from one family to another. But,” he hesitated, “I don’t know. It might be a little overkill to actually spell it out. But then again,” he paused again in indecision, “I don’t know. What do you think?”
“I think we should try to come up with one for our family, and see if it helps.”
For the next twenty minutes Theresa and Jude discussed and debated why they had started their family and what their ultimate purpose was. They vacillated between overly tactical statements like “to clothe, feed, and educate our children” to overly vague ones like “to make the world a better place.” Finally, they arrived at a statement that reflected the importance of family and children within the context of their faith.
Theresa and Jude read it a few times and decided that their purpose statement was a good one. But she wasn’t sure exactly how they would use it, and she was eager to move on to talk about values.
FAMILY VALUES
Theresa had been looking forward to the next conversation ever since Rob’s lecture.
“I have an idea,” she announced. “Let’s each take a stab at identifying what our core values ought to be, and see how close we are.”
Jude was a little hesitant. “Well, it might be better if we talk about core values first so we don’t mix them up with the other kinds and end up with a list a half-mile long.”
“You mean aspirational, accidental and,” she looked at her notes, “‘permission-to-play’?”
Jude was impressed. “Wow, you are a good student!”
Theresa smiled. “No—Rob’s a good teacher.”
The parents dove into their individual exercises, Jude moving into the living room to think, Theresa staying in the kitchen. Just ten minutes later they were back at the table ready to compare notes.
Theresa asked Jude to go first.
“Okay, I have four words here. I don’t know if they’re the right words, but I think they get at the concepts I’m trying to convey. They are excellence, humility, passion, and,” he paused, “the word I used is empathy, but I don’t know if that’s exactly right. What did you come up with?”
Theresa was excited. “I also had passion.”
Jude raised his eyebrows to acknowledge that they had both identified one of the same values. “Interesting.”
Theresa smiled. “That’s not all. I also have humility.”
Jude’s eyes went even wider now. “No way.”
Theresa explained her choice of humility. “I just hate it when people brag. I always have, and that’s one of the things I love about you. You always deflect attention away from yourself. Maybe to a fault, but I love it anyway.”
Jude had an epiphany. “That’s funny that you say ‘to a fault’—because one of the things about core values is that an organization will often take them to an extreme that’s not always helpful, but that’s what makes it core—they do it anyway. And that’s part of the deal, taking the good with the occasional bad.”
Theresa was taking notes again now. “Ooh, Rob didn’t explain that to me. Can you give me an example from the business world?”
“Sure. Let’s see.” He looked down into his lap as though he were reading from a cheat sheet, except his eyes were closed. “I always use Southwest Airlines as an example here.”
“Yeah, why do you talk about them so much?”
“Because they’re just so darn good at core values, and most things for that matter. But especially when it comes to values. See, one of their values is humor. They call it ‘having a fun-loving spirit.’ And as you know, that means they make jokes a lot on flights, even during the boring and serious safety instructions flight attendants do before the plane takes off.”
Theresa nodded her head. “Yeah, I once heard a guy say, ‘In the event of a water landing, we’ll be coming by your seat with drinks and towels.’”
Jude laughed. “Exactly. It’s not that they don’t do the safety instructions, or that they don’t care about safety. They just try to make it fun, for passengers and employees alike.”
Theresa was writing again.
Jude continued his story. “Well, one day a woman, who was a long-time customer, wrote a letter to the CEO of Southwest, complaining about the humor, especially in serious matters like safety. Now, most companies would have sent that customer a nice note saying ‘we’re sorry’ and ‘we value you as a customer’ and ‘we’ll look into this and do our best to make sure it doesn’t happen again.’”
Theresa smiled. “What did Southwest do?”
The look on Jude’s face said you’re not going to believe this. “Rumor has it that the CEO sent her a letter with three words on it. ‘We’ll miss you.’”
Theresa howled with laughter. “I love it!” She paused for a moment. “But I’m not sure that’s such a good idea. Why not try to keep her as a customer?”
“That’s the thing about a core value. You never abandon it, even if some people don’t like that about you, or even if it’s inconvenient. How can they tell their new hires that humor is important, and encourage them to incorporate humor in just about everything they do, and then tell them to rein it in every time a customer decides it’s not in good taste? They’re going to kill the goose that lays the golden eggs.”
Theresa started writing again.
Jude pressed on. “Okay, let’s hear your other values.”
“Oh, right. Let’s see.” She turned back to the page where she had written them. “Like I said, I have passion and humility, and I can’t believe you had those exact same words too. I also have self-control, compassion, and respect.”
Jude frowned.
“What’s wrong?” Theresa sounded like a fourth grader who just learned that she’d misspelled a word on a test.
“Nothing. It’s just that respect seems a little generic to me. I’m not sure that shouldn’t be a—”
“Permission-to-play value?”
Again, Jude was impressed. “Yeah, probably. And the other one that I’m struggling with is self-control.” He tried to keep himself from smiling, but couldn’t.
Theresa laughed. “What are you saying? Because I’m not the poster child for self-control. Are you stereotyping me because I’m Italian?”
He laughed too. “Well, I’m just saying that I think self-control might be an aspirational value. I wouldn’t consider it to be one of my strengths, either.”
Theresa agreed. “What about compassion?”
Jude thought about it. “You know, I think that’s core to what we believe and what we’re teaching the kids. And it’s different from passion, because it’s about people.”
Theresa was glad that he understood where she was coming from.
For the next few minutes the leaders of the Cousins family refined their list and settled on passion, humility, and compassion. Theresa typed those words immediately beneath the Core Purpose statement they had settled on earlier.
As Theresa sat and looked at those simple words and sentences typed on Jude’s computer, she felt a sense of accomplishment and relief that she and Jude had described something important and real, something that might guide them as parents for the rest of their lives.
Unfortunately, she still didn’t know exactly how that was going to happen.
ATTRITION
Jude looked at the clock and yawned. “Wow, it’s past midnight and I’m wiped out. Can we pick this up tomorrow night?”
Theresa squinted, reviewing the calendar in her head. “Tomorrow night. Let’s see. We have back-to-school night. Which reminds me that I have to get another babysitter. Wow, we’re paying a fortune in babysitting this month.”
Jude’s financial warning alarm would normally have been set off by a statement like that, but he was just too tired. “Okay, let’s go to Starbucks for an hour after back-to-school night, and we can do more of this then.”
Theresa slowly nodded. “All right. But I think I’m going to stay up and work on it a little longer, if that’s okay. That way I’ll have something to show you tomorrow night.”
“Fine with me.” He stood, kissed his wife on the forehead, and left the room.
Theresa found another Diet Coke in the back of the fridge and went back to the kitchen table. It was time to take on strategy.
SLEEP HANGOVER
When Jude woke up the next morning to go for an early run, he noticed that the kitchen table was still covered with Theresa’s papers from the night before, and that his laptop was still on.
I wonder how late she was up.
When he came home sweaty from his three-mile workout, he found out.
“Three-thirty,” Theresa explained, a little embarrassed and more than a little exhausted. “But I think I got a lot done.”
After she got the twins and Sophia out the door for carpool, and had Michael fed and parked in front of the television watching one of the Baby Einstein videos, Theresa offered to show Jude the product of her late-night work.
“If you have a second, here’s what I came up with for strategy.”
“I’m sorry, I’ve got to leave here in fifteen minutes, and I still have to shower and shave. But we have a date tonight after back-to-school night, right?”
Theresa excused her husband and started to clean the kitchen and begin her daily routine.
By the time evening rolled around, Theresa was feeling the effects of having burned the midnight oil, but she was glad to be going out on a date with her husband, even if it was just back-to-school night at St. Anthony’s elementary.
Because they had three girls at St. Anthony’s, Jude and Theresa split up to cover each one of the classrooms. After an hour of presentations and conversations, they headed for Starbucks. On the way, Theresa shared some news about one of their daughters that concerned her.
“Mrs. Schroeder said that Emily was crying at lunch yesterday.”
“What about?”
“She didn’t know. By the time she asked, Emily seemed fine and didn’t want to talk about it.”
“Well, that’s pretty normal for a nine-year-old girl to cry once in a while, isn’t it?”
“Mrs. Schroeder said it was the third time. And they’ve only been in school for two weeks.”
Jude frowned. “Well, we’ll just have to talk to her.”
“I think I know what it’s about,” Theresa confessed.
SUBURBAN DILEMMA
“Soccer?” Jude was puzzled. “Why would she be crying about soccer?”
“It’s the all-star thing. She feels bad because she’s not on the team.”
“But I thought she decided she didn’t want to be on the team.”
“She did, but that’s just because she doesn’t want to play all year round, and because Hailey probably wouldn’t have made it. She really wants to play with Hailey.”
“That sounds like a good decision to me.”
“To me too, but the girls in her class who are on the all-star team have been a little petty about it. They don’t pick Emily for their team at recess. I know that sounds silly, but—”
Jude interrupted. “No, I remember fourth grade. That kind of stuff stinks.” He paused. “Do you think we should’ve encouraged her to play on the all-star team?”
“No,” she announced confidently, then hesitated. “I don’t think so. Do you?”
Jude sighed. “I don’t know. I mean, it’s crazy that a nine-year-old little girl would be asked to play soccer ten months of the year, and wouldn’t even be on her sister’s team. But then I hear these crazy soccer parents say that if they don’t play on the all-star team by age eleven, they’ll never have a chance to play high school soccer.”
Theresa was incredulous. “That’s just plain stupid. Who makes these rules?”
“It’s not a rule, it’s just a matter of living in an ultra-competitive area.”
“What’s the point, anyway? Do these people think their daughters are going to play on the Olympic team?”
“World Cup, honey.”
“Whatever. Do they think soccer is going to be their life?”
Jude shook his head in mild disgust. “I don’t know. I suppose they’re hoping for a college scholarship, or maybe just want to live out their sports fantasies through their kids. But then again, who are we to judge? If that’s what they want ....” He didn’t finish the sentence.
“They can have it, if you ask me.” She paused for a few seconds while Jude drove. “The sad thing is that Emily is really good, and it’s a shame that she might be aced out just because we don’t let her dedicate her life to a sport before she wears a bra.”
Jude agreed. “You know, it’s almost as though you have to make a decision between playing high-level competitive sports and having a normal family. When we were kids, you could do both.”
Theresa took a deep breath and looked out her window at the passing neighborhood. After a full thirty seconds of silence, she finally spoke. “Let’s move, Jude.”
He answered before he realized the magnitude of her question. “Move where?”
“I don’t know. Somewhere slower. Somewhere simpler. This is not how I envisioned life. Is this how you thought it would be?”
He paused. “No. I guess not.” He thought for a few seconds. “But I just can’t see us pulling up stakes and moving.” Another pause. “Are you serious?”
“Yeah, I think so. I don’t know.”
They arrived at the coffee shop and allowed themselves to postpone their weighty conversation.
While standing in line, Theresa shifted gears and attempted to set the stage for the meeting they had gone there to have. “Okay, one of the things I want to do tonight is go over the three anchors of our strategy. Or at least what I think they are.”
Jude seemed hesitant. “Did Rob take enough time to really explain the concept of strategy?”
Theresa nodded. “Yeah, and I think I get it. But you can tell me if I’m doing it wrong.”
As they came to the counter to order, they suddenly saw a few of the other parents from Hailey and Emily’s classes enter the store. After waving and making small talk, they ordered their usual exotic beverages, with Jude asking for a medium just to make the cashier correct him and say “grande.” Two minutes later they retrieved their orders and found a table in a somewhat remote corner of the room. As always, the temperature inside the place was freezing.
Realizing the limited time they had, Jude got things moving. “Okay, tell me what you think our strategic anchors are.”
FAMILY STRATEGY
Theresa was a little hesitant, but mostly excited, about sharing the results of her work from the previous night. “Now this is just my first guess, but I think that anchor number one is ‘Mom Stays Home.’”
Jude thought about it for a few seconds as he burned his tongue on a chai tea latte.
Theresa sensed that he was skeptical. “You don’t think that’s right?”
He shook his head. “No, it’s definitely in the right area, and it may be right. It’s just, well, maybe your staying home is really in service of something bigger.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Well, why do you stay home from work? What is the larger reason?”
She didn’t have to think long. “We decided we wanted to spend a lot of time with our kids. But everyone wants that?”
“Yes, but not to the same extent. I mean, we always said we wanted to find every way possible to give our kids every ounce of spare time we have, without crowding them or making us insane.”
Theresa nodded. “Yeah, I remember those conversations.”
“So that’s why you stay home. And it’s why I don’t take on clients overseas. We don’t want me to be gone too much so we can be involved in the kids’ lives.”
Theresa was writing this down and nodding. “And it’s why we both coach soccer, even though it’s a pain in the butt to bring Michael with me to practice every Thursday.” She paused and looked up. “So, what would you call that?”
Jude thought about it. “It doesn’t really matter what we call it, as long as we know what it means. But if you want to name it something, how about,” he paused, “quantity time?”
“Quantity time?”
“Yeah, you know how people talk about quality time. Well, we’re doing quantity time.”
She laughed. “That sounds like we don’t care about whether the time we spend with the kids is meaningful.”
“No, it’s just that we’re going to place our bets on maximizing our involvement in their lives.”
Theresa looked around the coffee shop and frowned. “I don’t know.”
“What’s the problem?”
“Doesn’t this make us sound like we’re being judgmental about families where the moms work? How would your sister feel about hearing this?” Jude’s younger sister and her husband were both doctors, and relied on all-day day care for their two boys.
Jude’s eyebrows went up, as if to say where did that come from? “Well, first of all, no one needs to know our strategy but us. We don’t market or advertise it. But more important, it’s up to us to live the way we think is best for our kids and our family. To be purposeful about it all. If someone disagrees with us or chooses a different way, that’s up to them. We’re not trying to make a statement here, just to get clarity about how we manage our family.”
Theresa understood. “I know. It’s just there’s a lot of pressure out there for moms.”
“I know. We deal with it at work too. But some families can’t afford to live in a good neighborhood or go to good schools if both parents don’t work. That’s their reality and the decision they make. Other people work part-time because they need more income so they go on really nice vacations. Others just don’t want to stay home because they’d get bored.”
“Of course they get bored!”
Jude laughed. “Whoa, Nellie. No need to get excited.”
“Sorry, it’s just that if people think staying home isn’t boring sometimes....”
She didn’t finish the sentence, so Jude continued.
“Anyway, the point here isn’t so much about what you decide, it’s about making a decision and using it. Otherwise you’re just flailing.”
Suddenly Theresa bolted up as though something struck a chord with her. “That’s exactly what it feels like! Flailing! Every decision is like reinventing the wheel. Should we go on vacation with the Harrisons? Should we move into a bigger house? Teach the kids to ski? Talk to them about sex? Adopt a baby? Buy organic groceries? Let Sophia watch SpongeBob? It’s overwhelming!” Theresa started to laugh. And for a split second it looked like she was about to cry.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. I think it’s just the lack of sleep after last night.”
But Jude knew it was more than that.
BAD TIMING
As Theresa pulled herself together, someone interrupted their conversation. “Hey there, you guys! I didn’t see you sitting over here.”
It was Candace Barrington, the mother of one of Hailey and Emily’s classmates.
“I tried to find you tonight at school because I wanted to talk to you about something.” She didn’t pause long enough to let them ask any questions. “Do you think we can carpool for all-star soccer? If I have to drive Carrie out there three times a week, I’m going to go crazy.”
Jude smiled at Theresa and nodded as if to say, why don’t you take this one.
Theresa cleared her throat. “Well, the girls aren’t playing all-star soccer.”
Candace was stunned. “Really. Emily’s not on the team? She was one of the best players in the Pony League last year.”
“Well, she wants to play with her sister, and we’re just not ready for such a commitment.”
The woman winced. “You know, it’s going to be harder for her to get on that team next year. I mean, if the coaches and trainers don’t know her.”
Jude entered the conversation now. “Yeah, that’s okay. We’ll have a good time in Pony again. She’s got plenty of years for sports ahead of her, but time with her sister is kind of precious right now.”
Candace responded emphatically but without sincerity. “Of course it is. These are just little girls after all.” She paused. “Well, I’ve to get home. It’s great seeing you guys.”
They said their good-byes, and as soon as Candace was out of the store and out of sight, Jude and Theresa started laughing.
“Can you believe that?” Theresa shook her head. “Right on cue. That’s the kind of thing that drives me crazy.”
Jude wanted to distract his wife from Candace and what she represented. “Let’s get back to work.”
For the next twenty minutes, the couple discussed and massaged what they thought would be their other two strategic anchors. First, they settled on what Theresa called “Faith and Church.”
“After all,” Theresa explained, “we both volunteer at church, send our kids to school there, and a lot of our friends come from there. Between Bible study and carpool and Mass on Sundays and school board, it’s like a second home. Which I love.”
Jude agreed.
It didn’t take them long to agree that the other anchor probably had something to do with staying physically active, though their decisiveness on that issue had more to do with their eagerness to move on to goals than anything else.
RALLY
“So what do you think our rallying cry ought to be?” Jude wanted to know. He was enjoying this far more than he’d thought he would.
Theresa hesitated. “The rallying cry is the big goal, right?”
Jude nodded.
“Well, I think it’s about what we’re doing here tonight, getting our heads and hands around family clarity.”
Jude winced.
“What’s the problem with that?” Theresa wanted to know.
“Well, it’s just that it seems more like a first step, and not really a family rallying cry.”
Theresa looked a little disappointed, so Jude explained his rationale. “Don’t get me wrong. I think this is all critical and necessary, and we’ll never move forward if we don’t do it. It just doesn’t match up to a rallying cry, which should take somewhere between two and six months to accomplish. We can have this one done in two days.”
Theresa wrote that down. “Rob didn’t explain that part. Anyway, I’m guessing you have an idea of what a better rallying cry might be.”
“Not really. But I think it’s probably related to the reason that you feel the need to do all this in the first place. The question you need to ask is, ‘What is it that you want to be different in our lives six months from now?’”
Theresa’s eyes lit up. “Well, if you ask it that way, the answer’s easy.”
Jude waited for her to tell him.
“We need to spend more time together as a family.”
Jude was about to ask a question, but Theresa already knew what he was thinking. “Yes, I realize that we probably spend more time together than most families. But I’m talking about the whole family being together, and without any activities. At home. Playing games. Watching movies. Reading. Playing. Just being together.”
Jude considered it and began to nod slowly. “That’s more along the lines of what we talked about when we got married. Somehow now it seems like a pipe dream.”
“That’s the thing, Jude. I don’t think it has to be. If we can just find a way to stop reacting to every request to join a committee or have someone over for a sleepover or to sign up for every sport that the neighbors sign up for or go on vacation to the same places that everyone else goes to. The time we have as a family is short, and it’s just too important to let the rest of the world dictate how we’re going to live it.”
At that moment, Jude looked at his watch. “Ooh, you know what else is important? Getting home. We told Charlotte we’d be there by eight-thirty, and we’ve got approximately fifteen seconds or we’ll be late.”
COLD WATER
As they drove home, Theresa was quiet.
Jude thought out loud. “I hope Charlotte isn’t mad.” Charlotte was their beloved long-time babysitter, and because she was always so accommodating, they never wanted to take advantage of her.
Theresa didn’t respond, but after a moment, she started to cry softly.
Jude usually tried to use humor in these situations to avoid an emotional conversation. “Oh, she won’t be that mad. And I’ll let you sneak in the back door so you don’t have to see her.”
Theresa didn’t react to the lame joke.
Jude had no choice now. He put his hand on his wife’s shoulder. “What’s wrong, honey?”
After a few more sniffles, she explained. “Oh, I’m just afraid to get old, I think.”
Jude smiled. “Hey, everyone turns forty. It’s the new thirty.”
“I’m not thinking about forty. It’s fifty I’m worried about.”
“Fifty? Don’t you think you’re getting a little ahead of yourself?”
“No. I mean, I don’t want to spend another decade flailing and find myself at fifty, stressed out and just surviving. If this clarity thing doesn’t work out, Jude,” she said, fighting back her tears, “then I honestly think we should move. Really, I do.”
At that moment Jude realized just how serious Theresa’s quest for sanity and clarity was, and that it would have to become his quest too.
