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It was a cold snowy April morning. The tubes had shut down. There was no traffic on the roads. Finchley Road looked like a ghost town. The whole of London had come to a standstill. Anuj’s friends were out in the snow making snowmen and throwing snow balls at each other.
Anuj sat on his bed watching the snowfall. It had all started the previous evening. The wind was still. The snowflakes gently dropped to the ground and melted. Anuj hadn’t hoped for a white Monday and that too in April!
After three months of dry winter, the weather took him by surprise. It had snowed the whole night—quite a rare phenomenon in London. The small garden outside his window was completely covered in snow. It was such a beautiful day. Anuj should be thrilled with life. But he wasn’t.
He could only see Ella’s warm smile in the snowflakes. He wished she were around and imagined how both of them would be discussing how the snow fall in Kashmir was different or similar to the snow fall in London or in Sweden. But he was way too heart broken.
Anorexia Nervosa? Ella suffered from Anorexia Nervosa!
His mind was wandering with the same topic again and again.
I told you to be cautious, said the voice in his head. But you didn’t listen. Now you’ve got yourself in this mess.
Anorexics don’t care about anybody. They are simply a bunch of self-wrapped, self-obsessed, shallow individuals, Anuj had once thought. He remembered how his critical voice had warned him about Ella. That she’ll turn out just like the other girls he’d met in his St. Stephen’s days.
No. He’d fought hard. He’d told his critical voice to shut up. That Ella was different. Her warm personality was genuine. Her music sounded like a gift from the gods. Her writing had great emotional depth. She believed in hard-work, in taking charge of her destiny. Ella believed in helping others and was a great comfort in times of adversity. Was it all a façade? A way to cover up Ella’s shallowness.
How can a girl like Ella be anorexic?
May be Anuj had made a mistake. Why did he let his intuition become so clouded? He had to blame himself and nobody else.
It was time to get on with his life. But whenever he turned his attention to the snowflakes falling gently to the ground, he could only think of Ella.
Of those intense blue-violet eyes. That warm smile.
What was wrong with him? In the past, he was able to distance himself from his liaisons pretty quickly. Those selfish females had never left an impact. Why was he finding it so difficult to take Ella out of his mind now?
A part of him told him that Ella was in deep trouble. That she needed help. That it’s certainly not a nice feeling to be locked up alone in an emotionless hospital.
Another part of him was telling him to get on with HIS life.
Anuj wanted to distract himself. And that could only be done by immersing himself in studies. He had exams coming up. So he turned his attention to his bookshelf and tried to take out his Business Law textbook. Out of nowhere, a leather bound diary fell to the ground. Anuj picked up the diary and held it in his hands.
It was the same diary that Ella had gifted to him. He opened the diary and started flipping pages. Ella had a beautiful handwriting. Her small As and Ds looked so stylish. Nice and round.
He opened a page randomly and started reading it.
“The world doesn’t give a damn about me. I feel I belong to some other place. Nobody cares about me. But why do I feel that there is someone special waiting for me somewhere?
I feel like a small stream of water originating from somewhere in the mountains. I have to make a start. Slowly and steadily I shall move towards my destination. There are uncertain paths and obstacles everywhere. But I’ll have to find my own way. I don’t expect help from anybody. I’m too small when I start out. I feel overwhelmed. I don’t have enough strength to cut across mountain passes and to carve out my own path. Strangers will mock at me. ‘How can a small stream of water find its way,’ they would smirk.
Yet I persist. I chip at the mountain rocks. Nobody notices me. Then slowly, I carve out my path. I become bigger. Bolder. I was once a small stream of water, but now I am a full-fledged river meandering across the plains. In my quest, I expect to be alone. I pass through numerous villages, towns and cities. I know I’ll meet people who will want to divert my path. I know I’ll feel helpless at times.
Yet I should continue until I find the sea—my loved one. We’ll become one, so much so that nobody will be able to make out where the river ends and the sea begins. My quest for eternal love is something like that.”
Anuj felt a surge of emotions triggering inside his head. At one level he knew very little about Ella, her family background and her past even though he’d spent almost two years with her. At another level, he could deeply relate to Ella’s feelings. Her deep desire to find her love. In her quest for eternal love, she was very similar to Anuj. That is how he’d once begun his journey to adulthood but had given up in the middle because he couldn’t find the right partner. Or let’s say he thought he would never find the right partner.
Then suddenly something flashed in front of his eyes. He pictured that night when he had met Ella for the first time.
“What inspires your music?” Anuj had asked.
“My quest for undying love,” Ella had replied rather mysteriously.
Her answer had left him surprised. Every night he tried to look for the answer but could never find it. It would have been easier to ask Ella about the meaning, but Anuj could never muster the courage to do so.
The diary answered his question.
The diary?
Maybe the diary held the answer to her suffering. Why did she become anorexic in the first place?
Anuj opened the diary from the beginning and started reading it.
“I hate my step-dad.”
Ella had a step-dad?
“Sometimes I wonder why mom married such a guy. What did she see in him? My step-dad treats me like an imposter. As if I am the one who is ruining his relationship with my mom.
He keeps making me feel that I’m a loser. That I’m fat. That I should lose weight. That I should play sports. That I should exercise regularly. He made it very clear that if you cannot take care of your body weight, you cannot take care of anything in life!
Every day, he enjoys picking up faults in me. If I’m not studying, he says I would never get a job. If I’m not playing, I won’t be popular. If I’m not beautiful, I won’t find a boyfriend......
He made it clear it was HE who was funding my studies. HE who was paying through his nose for the gym and the sports facility. He made it clear that I was squandering away HIS money for those stupid music classes.
I hate him. Hate him. Hate him. Hate him. Hate him.
I had seen the hatred in his eyes when I first met him. His eyes told me that I wasn’t welcome. How come mom never saw that? Does she not love me anymore?
My father’s visits too have become pretty irregular. He has moved on. Nobody cares about me.
I want to be happy again. I want to love and feel loved again.”
Anuj stopped and then re-read the entry. So looks like Ella had a turbulent relationship with her step-dad. He then moved to the second entry. More fights. More rants.
It was clear that Ella hated her step-dad. She was quite a gentle girl as Anuj knew. He had never heard her speak anything bad about anyone. But then, Ella rarely shared her feelings.
Anuj flipped the page. It was more of the same thing. Nothing exciting. Next entry. Nothing new. Next. Nothing revealing. Next. Next. And next.
Then he reached an interesting entry.
“I had a breakup. Eric doesn’t speak to me. Not anymore. He says he has moved on. Should I blame him for what happened? Or should I blame myself? Sometimes I feel I should have been a different person.
Eleni and Astrid too have moved out of town. Now I have no friends. I feel empty. I feel bare. I have no one to talk to. To share my feelings.
But I still need to move on. I need to have focus in life. I want to look at the brighter side of things and see this as an opportunity to better myself. I need to take control of my life.
I want better grades.
I want to become a better human being.
I want to help others.
I want to lose weight.”
It is a terrible feeling when your boyfriend ignores you. As if he doesn’t give a damn about you. That whether you live or die doesn’t matter to him anymore.
Anuj could empathise with Ella’s feelings. He too had a similar feeling when Supriya had stopped taking his calls. Even though he wasn’t in love with her, the feeling was horrible. Part of him had felt that the blame lay on him. He must have done something wrong, but he couldn’t put his finger on that. Supriya had obviously outgrown him and so it was his turn to move on.
He admired Ella for having the courage to take control of her life. It sounded like a noble decision. When you don’t find a friend, you must walk alone.
Or, Ekla chalo re, as Tagore, the Nobel laureate, had so famously advised.
He turned the page.
“I walk alone. I don’t know where I am going. My life is drowned in uncertainty.
I complete my school assignments.
I’m taking musical lessons.
I’ve cut down on my diet.
I go for regular jogs. Exercising makes me happy. I feel I’m taking the right steps to change my life.
Yet I feel like a failure. I feel I’m not good enough. That I’m not doing enough. I’m far from reaching my goals.
I’m angry with myself.
I cannot tolerate slip-ups. Why do I goof-up so often?
I stare myself in the mirror and watch an ugly girl staring back. My nose looks like a beak. My eyes look hollowed out. Why is my face so distorted? Why am I so ugly? I put some eye shadow and makeup. I hope that some lipstick would improve my looks. But to no avail.
I think I’m an ugly bitch.
And was always an ugly bitch.”
Ella, ugly? Anuj couldn’t believe that Ella called herself ugly, distorted, and hollowed out. Alright, human beings are the worst judge of themselves. And that included him. He too would get upset when he saw his passport size photos. Something always looked so wrong. The cheeks would look too puffy. His nose would look distorted. The red-eye would make him look like a vampire. So in a way, he understood Ella’s feelings.
He flipped to the next entry.
“I finally got the grades I deserved. I should feel happy but I am not. I still feel like a failure.
I hate Ebba. She is one hell of a bully. She called me studious and boring. She called me fat.
I think she is jealous. She didn’t get good grades, so she is taking out on me.”
Anuj turned to the next entry. It seemed like Ella hadn’t written in a while.
“Almost a year has passed. I have managed to lose some weight. People tell me I look great. Girls come running up to me and ask how did I achieve this? I remain silent. It takes a lot of self-control and discipline, I want to say but I keep my mouth shut.
I’m far from achieving my ideal body weight. I still feel fat. Whenever I see myself in the mirror, I look as fat as ever. When I press my stomach with my fingers, the fingers dig a good two inches deep. I’m grossed out. I have a lot of fat. A lot to lose.
I need to cut down my calories to 650. I need to be strong. I need to exercise more will-power.
My body feels like a prison. It’s the worst part of me. I’m not an ugly person but my body says so. I wish I could break free from this prison one day.”
Poor Ella! She sounded like a demon had possessed her. A demon that wants to destroy beautiful Ella. A demon that told her she wasn’t good enough and never will be.
Anuj turned to the next entry.
“I’ve managed to lose a little more weight. Still far from my ideal. Some of my colleagues (I can’t call them friends) say I have lost a lot of weight. They ask whether everything is fine with me. I say, yes. At one level, I feel satisfied. That I’ve achieved something. At another level, I ignore their comments. I feel I’ve a long way to go.
My path is riddled with challenges.
My stomach burns. My intestines spasm. But I still have to continue.
I feel tired, sleepy and grumpy. When I walk, I feel that my legs have no strength.
I feel dizzy. Sometimes I see bright lines appear in front of me. Yellow and pink. I don’t know what is happening.
Yet I have to persist. I cannot succumb. There is a lot I want to achieve.
Some of my colleagues act nasty. They call me an anorexic bitch behind my back but I don’t want to give up. They want me to fail. But I won’t.
Bullies will remain bullies. But I want to love others.
In the summers, I’m thinking of working with a charity for orphans.”
Ella was sounding like a completely different person to Anuj. He was finding it difficult to recognise the woman he so admired once. The diary entries were becoming more and more painful. Gloomy and depressing.
“I see the dark winter sky. The trees are bare. It’s cold and the wind is howling. I feel my life has become like that. Cold and colourless.
I used to hear birds chirping in the summer. Now they are all gone. They have all left me. My life is cold and bare like the trees I see.
I’m fighting hard for warmth. I want to spread warmth and love if I can help it.”
Anuj flipped through a few more entries. They all sounded the same. As if there was no happiness in Ella’s life. Then he came across an entry which had some positivity.
“We succeeded in raising some money for the orphans. Through a musical concert for them. The children listened to our music with deep pleasure.
Their eyes glowed which made me happy. When the musical concert was over, many children rushed to me and said they wanted to learn music. For many days, I gave them violin lessons. I told them to trust their creative instinct. That they should play for pleasure.
The children were excited. I was excited. Gosh those childhood days came back. I was a little girl once more.
I can feel what the orphans are going through. Growing up without parents. Without love and affection. I had parents yet I felt orphaned. I am saddened to see the children. I don’t want them to go through what I had gone through.
It’s a very special day for me. I made some people happy—at least for a while.”
Oh Ella, thought Anuj. This time she sounded like herself. The real Ella he knew.
Anuj moved to the next entry.
“For the first time in my life, I met someone who was very kind. The strap of my watch broke. I was devastated. I kept on blaming myself for being so careless. It was a watch that my dad had gifted me years ago. It had such a bewitching golden dial with beautiful roman numerals etched all around it.
I took it to a repair shop and realised that I couldn’t afford to get the strap changed. I’d be better off just trashing the watch. Another precious part of my life rubbished into the trash bin of history.
Then I met this young man from India. I saw a lot of kindness in his eyes. He offered to replace the strap of my watch. He said it was cheap to get a strap replaced in India. A month later, he returned my watch. It looked brand new and fresh.
He didn’t ask for money and when I insisted he called it a gift to me—to a stranger. Where do we find such kind people in today’s world?”
Anuj smiled. At least Ella thought highly of him. He had at last some proof of that. In this entry, she sounded a bit positive and less all “doom and gloom.” He turned to the next entry.
“Whenever I am with him, I see the world differently. He sees the bright side of things, a silver lining in every dark cloud. He doesn’t mind the dark winter sky. Everything has his own charm, he says. He says everything can be seen as beautiful or as ugly. It depends upon your perspective and mood and how you view things.
He says that the dark London sky is infinitely better than the oppressive white summer sky that you’ll find in North India. I have never been to India, so I really don’t know. But he sounds hopeful. I am teaching myself to see the world through his eyes.
Whenever I am with him, I am at peace with myself. I forget everything: all my worries, sadness and pain. I appreciate beauty in smaller things. His comments are so innocent, even his sarcastic ones. He makes me laugh. Like a child, he enjoys the sound of rain and the sight of snowflakes falling silently on the ground.
Whenever I am with him, I feel as if I’m my original self. That little girl who got lost somewhere in the chaos of this world.”
This was one of the most positive entries Anuj had come across. Ella didn’t mention his name. But it was obvious she was talking about him and his perspective.
Anuj turned the page.
It was another positive entry. It started by saying, “Today I feel eternal bliss.” It was the entry that Ella had read out to him in Hampstead Heath.
He flipped to the next entry. It was the “frozen rose” one. The very same entry that Ella had let him read before she was hospitalised. The entry talked about failure but had ended on a positive note.
Anuj turned the page again. No new entries. Looked like the “frozen rose” entry was the last one. He stared at the blank yellow pages for a while before closing the diary and keeping it on the table.
Ella had gone through a lot. Poor girl! Anuj pitied her till something hit him like a lightning flash. Ella’s last few entries were positive. Why?
He re-opened the diary and started reading it from the beginning. Ella didn’t mention any dates so Anuj wasn’t sure which entries were new and which were old. But it looked like they were all written in some kind of a chronological order, with the oldest ones being the first and the newest ones being the last.
The newest ones, the hopeful ones, were written when Ella was with him. Was he having some sort of a positive impact on her life?
Anuj was overwhelmed by the answer which was staring at him. It was indeed a resounding yes.
If Ella had to be saved, she would have to be hopeful first. And to be hopeful, she’ll need to be with Anuj.
All the answers were pointing to him.
Anuj was—the only person who could save Ella.
From herself...
