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“Oh, hi Anuj. How’re you today?” asked Fr. Williams. His blue eyes were sparkling and filled with sincerity.
“I’m doing fine. Father, if you don’t mind, could I speak to you in private,” said Anuj hesitatingly.
“Sure. No problem,” said Fr. Williams, and he escorted Anuj to his chamber.
Fr. Williams motioned Anuj to a chair, and both took their seats. Anuj looked around. It was a well-lit chamber. There was a cross and a statue of Jesus and Virgin Mary on one wall. On the soft board on the other wall, Fr. Williams had posted lots of quotations from the Bible.
“Yes, tell me Anuj,” said Fr. Williams in his regular gentle tone.
Anuj didn’t know where to begin.
“Father, I have a friend who I fear is at the verge of dying,” said Anuj.
“Oh my God!” said Fr. Williams. He looked genuinely alarmed.
Anuj sighed. “The trouble is—she is her own worst enemy.”
Fr. Williams listened patiently and didn’t jump to any conclusion.
Anuj told him the entire story from the beginning—from the very first day when Anuj had met her during a musical concert. Fr. Williams too had attended that concert and remembered that beautiful looking girl—vaguely. Anuj told him about his growing friendship and the diary. Then Anuj spat out the dreaded word “Anorexia Nervosa.”
Anuj was surprised that Fr. Williams was neither chuckling in amusement, as some of his friends would have done, nor exploding in anger. Instead he looked serious. His blue eyes looked sad. His eyes told Anuj that he understood what Anuj was going through. That pain could not be expressed in words. It could only be understood and shared with compassion and empathy. And Fr. Williams’ eyes did just that.
“May I have a look at that diary?” asked Fr. Williams.
“Sure,” said Anuj and handed over the diary to him. Fr. Williams flipped some pages randomly.
“I don’t see any dates. Is the diary written somewhat chronologically?” asked Fr. Williams.
“I think so. The later entries seemed the recent ones,” said Anuj.
“Okay,” said Fr. Williams.
Fr. Williams flicked through the pages. His eyes became even more intense. There was a pin drop silence in the room. Anuj was watching Fr. Williams’ expressions and reactions intently. Fr. Williams kept reading till the pages became blank yellow. He shut the diary and looked at Anuj.
“So what’s your take on this?” asked Fr. Williams.
“I think the poor girl was taunted by her step-father and bullied by her school mates for quite some time. I think that is the reason she developed this eating disorder,” said Anuj.
“You are right. But I think, there is a bigger problem. She’s not trying to be thinner just for the heck of it,” said Fr. Williams.
That left Anuj confused. “I... I don’t understand.”
“My understanding is that in the face of those taunts and bullying, she has started feeling very unloved. Losing weight is her cry for love. She believes if she becomes thinner, she’ll be loved more,” said Fr. Williams.
Anuj was surprised. Could he be correct? And how could Fr. Williams tell so much by just reading a few pages from a journal of a girl he barely knew?
Fr. Williams sensed what Anuj was thinking and said:
“That’s because I’ve been there. I know what it is like........ This girl reminds actually of me.”
Anuj looked even more confused. “What does he mean?”
“So let me tell you a bit of my story,” said Fr. Williams.
Anuj nodded. He was in any case dying of curiosity to hear Fr. Williams’ experiences. Fr. Williams looked at the window trying to recollect his thoughts.
“My parents passed away when I was about five. I hardly remember them. The only memories I had of them were a few photographs and the names on two tombstones. I grew up in foster care. Throughout my growing years, I cursed God. I called Him a heartless demon, the beast who takes great pleasure in making humans suffer. I was angry all the time.
How could this world be ruled by a loving forgiving God? I wondered.
Then in my early twenties I met her. I still remember her pleasant smile, warm eyes, blonde hair...... Her name was Abigail. In the first meeting itself, her eyes told me that she could understand my pain.
She was an ardent believer in God. Initially I found it amusing. How can anyone be happy worshipping a heartless demon, I used to wonder. One day, she told me that I was suffering because I felt so unloved. My anger was nothing but a quest to find true love.
I found her character analysis a little weird. How could she know me better than myself? But then she revealed the secret to happiness—that you must learn to love yourself before expecting others to love you. Because God has made you so lovable. ‘When you learn to love yourself, you will understand God,’ she said. And when you truly understand God, you’ll understand love. Because God is nothing but love.
Abigail was so caring and compassionate. And so sincere. That was the day I learnt to love myself. And when I loved myself, I could love her. Soon we got engaged.
My life had suddenly changed for the better. I had at last found happiness. I imagined spending the rest of my life with her. Together we dreamt of raising a family—with happy children—who’d be upright and virtuous. Everything was so wonderful.
At times, an irrational fear would grip me. I wondered if I could really be so lucky as to have a happy life. And my fears came out to be true.”
Anuj looked at Fr. Williams. He tensed at what was coming. Fr. Williams paused for a moment.
“Abigail was killed in a car crash just a day before our marriage.”
Anuj was speechless as if he was pummelled by a hammer.
“I was completely broken. I was back to my earlier self. I cursed God again. I wondered why God had brought Abigail into my life when he had to take her away from me. Forever. Why did God give me hope when there was none? I had got used to living in darkness. So why did God not leave me alone? Why did He bring me into light and then again plunged me into darkness? What kind of a cruel joke was that?
But whenever I closed my eyes, I’d find Abigail in front of me. I’d see her smiling. I could smell her scent. Her words remained forever etched on my mind—if I loved myself, I’ll understand God. I tried to love myself—it wasn’t easy. But I tried and when I succeeded, I realised Abigail was still with me. In my heart. And that is when I truly understood God.
I realised that God had willed something else for me. No other woman could take Abigail’s place. So I chose to become a Catholic Priest and serve God. Now I am happy looking after others. I don’t need a family because the entire world is my family. You are my family.
Whenever I pray to God, Abigail’s face appears in front of me. She’s very much a part of me. Whatever I am today, it’s because of her. It was God’s will that Abigail came into my life even for a little while and she gave me the strength to love, laugh and be happy.”
Anuj was mesmerised. He hadn’t heard such a powerful heart breaking love story in a while.
“I’m very sorry that I cannot do much for your friend. I can only pray to God and ask Him to give her strength to love herself. To make her realise that her body is a temple and NOT a dungeon. That God created her in his own image and that can’t be called ugly. So if God is beautiful, so is she,” said Fr. Williams.
He handed back the diary to Anuj. And Anuj got up to leave.
Fr. Williams had said a lot which was difficult to understand. One sentence was going round and round around in his head.
Nothing happens without the will of God.
And then suddenly Nisha’s face appeared out of nowhere. Oh—that radiant smile, that dark hair with a tinge of redness and those dark rimmed glasses.
“Whether I’ll ever experience true love?” he had asked her once.
“Oh, of course you will. A girl will enter your heart one day and sweep you off your feet. But remember you’ll have to take care of her,” Nisha had said with a glint in her eye.
Then suddenly something struck him, like a bolt of lightning. Anuj rushed to his room and started reading Ella’s diary again. He tried to find hidden meanings in her words keeping in mind what Fr. Williams had said.
Nothing happens without the will of God. Abigail came into Fr. Williams’ life to make him a happier person. The only time Ella seemed happy—at least from her writings—was when she was with Anuj. Was God then willing Anuj to bring happiness to Ella’s life?
The answer was staring Anuj in his face:
YES.
Anuj was Ella’s last chance to heal herself.
