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“Ella! Ella! Wake up, Ella!”
Ella heard a voice. Her eyes opened. She saw a faint image of a blonde haired girl standing beside her. It looked like she was in a white dress or a hospital gown.
“Who is this?”
“It’s me, Sam.”
Ella looked at her. For a moment, Ella couldn’t place her. Then she said:
“Oh, it’s you.”
“Ella, get up,” said Sam.
“I’m very sleepy. I haven’t slept at all,” said Ella.
“What’s wrong with you? You have been sleeping for two days straight,” said Sam.
“Have I?”
Ella was surprised. She thought she had only slept for a few hours.
“Which day is today?” asked Ella.
“It’s a Friday,” said Sam.
“What? You’re kidding. Today’s Wednesday. Right?”
“No. I am serious,” said Sam.
“Ummm....”
Ella tossed and turned. She had no enthusiasm to get up.
“Ella!”
“Alright. Alright. I’ll get up.”
Ella opened her eyes, and slowly sat up. She couldn’t suppress a yawn. Life didn’t seem like a life worth living. Especially after the scene her step-father had created some time ago. Ella just wanted to forget everything and sleep and sleep.
Suddenly she felt something pinching against her butt. When she slipped her hands to find out what it was, she felt something weird—a big piece of paper?
She grabbed that thing and pulled it out. It was a big brown A4 size envelope. Ella was curious. It was clear that the envelope was meant for her. It had her name on it. On the bottom left-hand corner, it also had the sender’s name—Anuj.
Ella tore the envelope open. A series of letters—nicely folded—fell on her lap along with some pictures. She grabbed the first piece of paper. Her mind was unfocussed, and she took some time to really wake up. She then started reading it.
“My dearest Ella,
I hope you are recovering well.
Ella, I needed to write to you urgently. My days in Britain are numbered. It is quite possible that by the time you finish reading these letters, I might be gone, for good. The UK Government has rejected my work permit application. They have left me with no choice but to return to India.
I have something very important to say to you which I have put down in these letters. The letters have been numbered 1 and 2. I suggest you start reading with 1 and then proceed to 2.
Get well soon,
Love,
Anuj.”
So it was Anuj finally. Ella was wondering why he hadn’t yet bothered to look her up. She was excited yet apprehensive. Anuj sounded serious. Was everything fine with him? It was a shame he was leaving Britain for good. He was a good friend and Ella knew how much she would miss him.
She opened the second letter which was marked 1. The letter was thick. Anuj’s handwriting seemed small because he had to cram a lot on both sides of the paper. Ella started reading it:
“Let me tell you the story of a girl named Princess. She was a happy girl with a smile that never left her face. Her parents called her the ‘giggling Princess’ because she was always found, you guessed it, giggling. She loved spending time with nature. Looking at the chestnut trees, smelling roses and watching the birds. The chirping of the crickets, the splashing of the sea waves, the rustling of leaves and the buzzing of bees made her happy.
She had a little furry cat. She enjoyed playing with her and patting her. It was a nice small world.
Princess also had another quality. She was always willing to help those who were weaker than her. Those who didn’t have a daddy or a mommy at home. A joy on other people’s faces brought joy to her.
And then lightning struck one day. Her daddy was gone. He left her mom for no rhyme or reason. What was worse, was that he had abandoned her. Princess wondered why daddy was suddenly so upset with her. She was a people pleaser. Princess had always made her daddy happy. She thought she was a good girl. Then what happened? What did she do that made her daddy so angry that he left her never ever to be seen again?
A new man came into her life. He asked to be called her daddy. Princess knew he wasn’t her daddy—not by a furlong. His eyes made it clear that he saw Princess as a burden. That she was an intruder in his life.
Princess tried her best to please him. But her new daddy never got pleased. What was worse—was that he reminded Princess every day of her faults. He pointed out only the flaws he saw in her and never any good points. Alright, she was a growing girl with some baby fat. But who doesn’t have baby fat in their teenage years? But suddenly this was seen as a flaw that needed to be fixed.
Princess became a flawed girl from a good girl. With no one to remind her how lovely a person she was.
Having no real friends to share her feelings, she started working on herself. She embarked on a quest for self-improvement. And the only way she could go about it—was by fixing her flaws all by herself.
So she concentrated on her studies and even got good grades. Good was an understatement, she actually got great grades. Unknowingly, she made her school mates jealous who knew that they were no match to her brilliance. So they struck at her. Meanly. Targeting her body weight was the easiest thing to do. It was the best way to pull her down.
Princess became a chubby girl from a good girl. It would have been fine if she had heard it once. But hearing it 100 times a day, in 100 different versions, for years? Who wouldn’t go crazy?
She met a man whom she thought was the man of his life. But the twist of fate was that he too left her—again, for no rhyme or reason. Maybe he outgrew her. Princess blamed herself because she was a flawed girl, a fat girl who didn’t deserve love.
That’s when her demons were born.
She needed to fix herself. The body needed to be fixed first. The easiest way to fix the body was to control the number of calories she consumed in a day. More calories out versus less calories in equalled weight loss. Her portions became smaller. And even smaller as the days passed.
Princess saw herself as an angel— who was perfect in every sense. She looked after others, got good grades, was athletic and had a body that others would be jealous of.
With every passing day, her demons grew stronger. They told her that enjoying food was gluttony. That if she wanted to be pure and strong, she should resist temptation.
Princess was slowly dying, every day. Her body had become weak. She experienced a horrible burning sensation in her gut. What was wrong with her? A girl who had boundless energy once seemed so devoid of enthusiasm. Her demons told her that these were the challenges she needed to face if she wanted to be successful.
There was no such thing as too thin just as there is no such thing as too successful. Thin equalled success. Thin equalled beautiful. So her portions became even smaller.
When does success become failure? And when does failure become success? When does fat become thin? And when does thin become fat? Her demons gave her no clear answers.
Whenever Princess looked herself in the mirror, she saw the faces of her school mates calling her fat. She heard the echo of the voices of all those who called her ‘chubby.’ Her midriff became so emaciated that Princess could even count her ribs. Yet she heard only one voice mocking at her:
Chubby. Chubby. Chubby. Chubby.
Her demons told her she looked ugly. That her body was a dungeon which needed to be opened to the sunlight. That she was worthless, so undeserving of love. It was better she left this world. One burden from this world would then be off its chest.
Her body became weaker. Her heart lost all muscle mass and was on the verge of failure. She was hospitalised. Her rib cage started to melt. Her breathing became shallow. Her hair started falling off. Her skin became so tight that she looked like eighty. Her bones became weak, and she became bent as if she was a doddering old woman.
Princess was on the verge of dying. The same Princess who was once a giggling Princess. The same Princess who admired the trees, birds and the bees so much. The same Princess who was willing to wipe tears off someone else’s face because she believed that everyone deserved to be happy. Yes, the very same Princess.
Then one fine morning a miracle happened. She met a wizard with a flowing beard and compassionate blue eyes. He took out his magic wand and cast a spell on her. You know what the spell was about?
That Princess wasn’t a chubby girl. She wasn’t a flawed girl. She was, is and will always remain a good girl. That God created her in His own image and He couldn’t have made her ugly. If God is beautiful, so is she. That she needed to exorcise the ghosts of all those people who tried to break her.
She is not a burden on this earth. Mother earth welcomes her with open arms. She has the power within her to make others happier. If there were more Princesses like her, the world would be a much happier place.
The wizard said that she had two choices. One, she could keep listening to her demons and die broken. That would not make her perpetrators feel guilty. They would only be pleased that Princess died a death she deserved.
Or two, she could follow the path towards light. Remind herself every day that she is a good girl and capable of falling in love. That she can have a loving family—a loving husband and two lovely children who were like her. The fact that others deserted her—was not her fault. They were the ones who were undeserving of her love.
Which path should Princess choose?
I think she should follow the path towards light. That would make a better story.
Next: See the pictures. How should our Princess look like?”
Ella was in tears. She put the letter down. Her mind was swirling with emotions. Yes, she was a happy girl when she was young. Then what happened? How did she end up like this?
What surprised her the most was—how Anuj knew so much about her? Yes, he had her diary and must have understood her feelings. But the letter he wrote was way beyond that. How did he fill in the gaps? He didn’t belong to her culture. He didn’t even speak her language. Yet he understood her in a way that nobody in this world could—not even her close friends.
Because he understood the language of the human heart. That language which is above cultural and gender barriers.
She realised that Anuj had a special power. He could see her suffering better than she could. Anuj understood her at a different level. At a spiritual level. Call it his intuition, sixth sense or concern? His letter felt as if he were a part of her.
Ella cried. And cried. And cried. “It’s all my fault,” she said to herself. She was the one who had destroyed herself. She was going to die soon. It was all over.
Then she saw something outside the window. A ray of hope.
Everything isn’t over, whispered a voice inside her head.
She next looked at the pictures. They looked like black and white print outs. The pictures appeared to be a little pixelated as they were obviously grabbed from some website. One picture was of a good looking model. She had a glowing skin and an elegant smile.
The second was the picture of the same model. Her skin was wrinkled and hanging and she looked thin, fragile and old. Her rib cage was visible and ugly just like hers. In fact she looked like Gollum’s sister. You know Gollum from the movie “Lord of the Rings.”
Then she looked at another picture. It was of a male model. He had dark hair, chiselled features, toned abs and nice biceps. He looked handsome and a man to die for. Then there was another picture of the same man where he looked like a thin, wooden Pinocchio.
Ella wanted to look like the female model who had glowing skin and a healthy weight. She knew that she too had started to look like Gollum’s sister. Ella realised that this is not what she wanted from life. This is not how she wanted to look.
She didn’t want to die. She wanted to live.
Life can be beautiful when you are in love.
Ella then turned to the second letter which was marked as no. 2. This one was shorter. She started reading again:
“My dearest Ella,
I am leaving London on the evening of 15th May. My flight is at 08:45 p.m. from London Heathrow. I may not return ever again.
You were a special friend to me, Ella. I wouldn’t have enjoyed London so much if you weren’t there. My memory is flooded with your warm smile expressed through those cute blue-violet eyes.
It was great to see the world from your eyes. We were like two rivers with different origins but the same destination. Our waters merged in London and together we flowed towards the North Sea.
You are not alone, Ella. You are strong. You have the strength to cut across mountain passes. I know you will encounter many challenges. Many demons will try to stop your flow.
But always remember this—whether I am there or not physically, my spirit will always be there with you. When two mighty rivers meet, nobody can stop it. No one.
I hope you see yourself through my eyes. You are a beautiful person, Ella. You are perfect—the way you are. You have a beautiful soul. Let no one tell you that you need to be fixed. You don’t.
I hope you get well soon. God willing, someday we’ll visit the Loch Ness and breathe Scotland’s fresh air. Only you and me.
Love,
Anuj”
His letters left a deep impact on her. She was saddened that Anuj was gone. Ella wanted to say bye but destiny didn’t give her that opportunity.
She closed her eyes. A sound echoed in her mind.
You are capable of finding the man of your life.
She only saw Anuj’s face. His grey intense eyes. The way he understood her, no one else did. No one had the power to heal her scars—years of scars—the way he did. If Ella had to find a man of her life—it was he and only he.
Ella’s eyes opened.
Time is still on your side, said a voice inside her head. She needed someone’s help. Sam!
She immediately rushed to Sam.
“Ella! Are you alright?” asked Sam.
“Sam. What day is today?”
Sam looked at her puzzled.
“Today is the 15th of May.”
Ella covered her mouth in shock.
“Oh my God.”
“What’s wrong?” asked Sam.
“What time is it?”
Sam looked at her watch. “It’s 2 in the afternoon. Why what’s wrong?”
Ella looked here and there. “There is still time. He said his flight was at 08:45 in the evening.”
Sam stared at her.
“Sam, I need your help. Anuj is leaving London for good. I need to see him for one last time. I have to bid him a proper goodbye,” said Ella.
“Where do you want to go?” asked Sam.
“To Heathrow,” said Ella.
“What? Ella! You cannot go like this. Look at yourself. You are too weak. You can barely walk. What if something happens to you? You faint on the tube or worse,” said Sam.
“Sam, please. Help me! Anuj means a lot to my life. He has put me on the path of recovery. Pleeease,” said Ella.
Sam’s eyes lit up. “Really? So you want to get well?”
“Yes, Sam. But I need your help,” said Ella.
Sam looked at her.
“When I see you talk like this, I too want to get well. Alright. I’ll help you. But promise me you’ll come back. Okay? Otherwise I’ll be in big trouble. You promise?” said Sam with a lot of emotion in her eyes.
“Yes, I promise,” said Ella.
“Fine. I know a way out. Come with me,” said Sam.
Ella looked surprised. “How do you know so much about this place?”
“Because I hate Dr. Morgan so much that every day I try to figure out newer ways to escape. But now I’m not planning to run away because like you, I want to first get well,” said Sam.
Ella hugged her. “You’ve been such a sweetheart, Sam.”
Sam’s back felt like just skin and bones. Ella felt as if she was hugging a skeleton, a total bag of bones.
This is how Anorexia Nervosa feels, you stupid girl, said a voice inside her head.
“Come let’s go. There is no time to waste,” said Sam.
Ella nodded. She pulled the tube out of her nose. A mild laughter escaped through Sam’s mouth.
Ella looked at her. She looked very determined.
“I need to change my clothes.”
