To: Jonas Zebila
From: Abi Zebila
Subject: Just a quickie
Tuesday, 2 June 2015
Jonas,
Gran is coming home today. Mummy actually told me that she’d rather Gran went to somewhere people could take better care of her but Daddy wouldn’t hear of it.
Mummy seems so sad, so burdened. She loves looking after Lily-Rose, she told me that, but everything else seems too much for her at the moment.
The other day I was in the loft looking for my old dolls’ house that Ivor has been promising to bring down for Lily-Rose for months. In one of the boxes I found Mummy’s drawings, paintings and sketches, like the ones she made on the boxes we used to sleep in as babies. She’s so talented. She could teach art or even sell some of her stuff. Over the years she’s drawn and sketched and painted a lot of butterflies. They’re breathtaking. No two butterflies are the same, but the patterns on the wings are so perfectly symmetrical, you’d think they were done on a computer. I sat there going through them and completely forgot the time.
When I’d finished going through the artwork, I felt almost bereft that it was over. I couldn’t help wondering why she stopped drawing and painting except for the stuff on our boxes.
Is that what’s going to happen to me? Am I going to become so consumed by being a mother and wife that I end up giving up my passions? That’s what scares me about being with Declan properly. The idea that I’ll lose myself; I’ll simply become an extension of him and Lily-Rose, and I’ll disappear.
When I was cleaning up the dolls’ house with Mummy and Lily-Rose, I asked Mummy why she never decorated any of our boxes with butterflies since she’d practised them so many times. She looked alarmed and said, ‘What do you mean?’
‘I saw your artwork in the loft. That was why I was so long. I liked the butterfly drawings the most. I was wondering why you didn’t decorate any of our boxes with butterflies. And actually, why did you stop drawing?’
‘I only decorate the baby boxes, you know that,’ she said.
‘What about not putting any butterflies on one of our boxes?’
She just stared at me like I was talking a different language until Lily-Rose said, ‘Can I see the butterflies?’
Mummy frowned at me and gave me this Now look what you’ve done look, and said, ‘There is nothing to see.’ And that was the end of that. She got up from the floor in the living room where we were doing the cleaning and went off to start dinner. If I had a talent like that I’d be talking about it all the time, not pretending I didn’t know what my own daughter was talking about. What’s the betting if I go back up to the loft tonight those pictures will have disappeared?
What do you think? Was I being insensitive? Maybe she had a miscarriage and the butterfly box would have been for the baby she’d lost. Oh, I feel awful now. Maybe that’s it. Why she feels so distant sometimes. It would make sense. I know I’d feel worried about everything if I went through that. Add that to how Gran treats her sometimes and I’m not surprised she doesn’t share much with me. Sorry, I’m being insensitive to you now.
I’m not sure if you want to talk about what happened, but how are you and Meredith after everything? I’m guessing because I haven’t heard anything to the contrary that nothing’s changed? I’ve been keeping an eye online on what you’ve been up to. Congratulations on your award. I’m really proud of you.
I miss you. Remember how it used to be me and you against Ivor? That man always took himself far too seriously even when he was, like, twelve. At least you knew how to have a laugh. I wish … I miss you. I know I said that already but it needs repeating. As many times as I can until you reply. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.
Love,
Abi
xxxxx
P.S. Mrs L says hello. Again!