To: Jonas Zebila
From: Abi Zebila
Subject: Please reply. PLEASE!!!!!
Monday, 17 August 2015
It’s all gone a bit batsh*t around these parts. Which is why I am plotting my escape. I think it’s going to have to be Declan. I make him sound like the terrible option but he’s not. He’s simply the commitment option and I’m not ready for commitment. But, there are times in your life when you have to sh*t or get off the crazy pot, and I am getting myself off the crazy pot quick smart.
Daddy actually thinks Clemency killed Gran. He truly believes it. He came back from the police station and informed me I wasn’t allowed to go near Clemency again. I was so taken aback I actually said, ‘I’m not nine, Daddy.’ And he told me I would do as I was told while living in his house. Like I don’t pay rent, like I don’t do chores, like I didn’t help feed, clean and take care of Gran. Well, that’s it, I’m done. I’ve texted Declan that he needs to start looking for a bigger place for us all to move into. He’s over the moon.
Mummy didn’t say much during all of this. She kept looking at Daddy with resentment in her eyes. When he’d finished she said, ‘I’ll never forgive you or your mother for what you’ve done. You took my first child away from me. My eldest son is rude, unpleasant and talks to me like I am beneath him because that is what your mother taught him to do. She drove away my second son. I suspect my second daughter is already planning on leaving and never returning. And now you have taken away my first child again because of your mother. I will never forgive you, Julius.’ And then she left the room. Daddy just stared after her and Ivor looked terrified. For the first time in Ivor’s life someone had told him he wasn’t the be all and end all of everything. He’ll miss that about Gran, I think: not being her golden child any more. That sounds mean, but when I think of some of the things Gran said to me and about me just because I wasn’t male or Ivor …
I feel so angry right now. It’s like Ivor doing this thing and Daddy ordering me about has made the scales fall from my eyes. Or allowed me to be honest with myself for the first time in years. I feel like I’ve been part of this conspiracy that let Gran get away with anything she wanted because she was ill. I was so scared of losing her, I moved in to be with her, to help take care of her, and she never really had a kind word to say to me. I didn’t want gratitude, just for her to treat me nicely. How she treated Lily-Rose, how she treated Ivor. She wasn’t even that nice to Daddy if I think about it. She was a mean old woman.
Yes, yes, Jonas, I know you worked it out all those years ago. I’m sorry that I ever made you feel guilty for not getting in touch with her. And I am so, so sorry for what she did to Meredith. I’m guessing because you haven’t told me otherwise that after the miscarriage Meredith still can’t get pregnant again? I feel so awful for being a part of Gran’s world. I really hope you can forgive me.
I’m sorry, you probably don’t want me dredging all this up. It’s like the floodgates have opened and I can’t believe how under her spell I was. I hope I don’t end up with only negative memories of her, that would be bad for me more than anything.
Will you talk to me now, Jonas? Now I can see everything so much more clearly, will you talk to me?
I love you.
Abi
xxxx