‘I don’t think that’s such a good idea,’ Hayley advised over the phone an hour later. ‘Your track record with doctors is not good.’
‘Sid’s nothing like Dr Dave; he doesn’t have a bad bone in his body.’
‘I know you’ve had a shock with Nathan. I can still see it on my sofa …’
I cringed. ‘I know, sorry about that. I’ll …’ I didn’t know what I’d do ‘… come over and clean it at the weekend,’ I offered brightly.
‘No need, sweetie, I got white wine on it almost immediately so it’s only a slight stain now. I’ll get the Marigolds on again later and I’ve bought some new bubble-gum scented cleaner that I want to try out.’
‘That’s the sort of thing my mum would say.’
‘God forbid. I’m not worried about my sofa. I am worried about you, though. I know what you’re like when you’re suffering from anxiety and stress and it’s not pretty.’
‘You’re saying I’m not pretty?’
‘You’re deflecting me again; Kat, I care about you.’
I sighed. ‘I know you do, Hayley, but I’m fine. Well, I’m not fine, of course I’m not, but going out with Sid will—’
‘What’s his real name again?’
I tried to remember; I’d become so used to calling him Sid. ‘Umm … David Ingles.’
‘Oh, no, you’re joking – not another Dr Dave.’
‘He’s not another Dr Dave … well, he is … but not like the last one.’
‘Please think about it, Kat. It probably won’t end well. Don’t you think that if you had a thing for him you’d have known by now?’
‘I thought he was gay, so I didn’t know that I could have had a thing for him.’
‘Right, but even still …’
‘We’re only going for a drink.’
‘I’ve heard that before. You’re hurting and vulnerable; he’ll try to take advantage.’
He wouldn’t take advantage of me; he couldn’t. I was a grown woman with willpower and control. Besides, he wasn’t that sort of bloke, well, at least I didn’t think so. ‘I’ve been out with him loads of times and he’s not tried anything.’
‘But this time it’s a date. It’s different.’
‘I don’t think it’s a date, is it?’
‘You tell me.’
‘Well, it might be a little date, I suppose, but it’ll do me good to get out of the house.’
‘Just be careful.’
*
I met Sid just outside Blue Yonder, a little bar tucked away down one of Edinburgh’s back streets, a regular haunt of ours and of other hospital staff, being only ten minutes from the infirmary.
We shared a bottle of wine and nibbles and it didn’t feel strange at all, but then Sid had been very clever coming here as it felt just like another work’s night out. What usually happened was that we’d start out with a group of maybe eight or nine and over the evening this would get whittled down as those with boyfriends, girlfriends or maybe both headed off until usually only the two of us were left.
‘I used to like it when everybody else buggered off and left us on our own,’ Sid said, almost reading my mind.
‘I just thought you were a saddo like me.’
‘I am.’
We chatted for a while and it felt good, no pressure, no trying to impress each other and no mention of Nathan. We’d finished the wine and all the nibbles, so what now?
I felt comfortable sitting beside Sid. That, in itself, presented something of a problem, as I shouldn’t be that comfortable. I had no twitching or itching in my bits, no reaction at all. Not good. I needed more wine.
‘What do you want to do now?’ asked Sid, probably sensing my restlessness.
‘Let’s go back to your flat.’
‘Well, all right, if you’re sure you’re happy and—’
‘Have you got wine?’
‘Yeah, in the fridge.’
‘Let’s go, then.’
Sid only lived a ten-minute walk away, which was handy as it looked as if it might start raining. He lived in a new-build block within a stone’s throw of the hospital. I suspected most of the apartments were owned by hospital staff. It might be quite nice to roll out of bed and be at work in minutes.
He fetched a bottle of wine (Chablis – good choice) and some glasses from the kitchen and I drained my glass in seconds and refilled it quickly.
Sid watched me. ‘If you’re thirsty I can get you some water or tea or—’
‘Can I kiss you, Sid?’
‘What?’
‘Can I kiss you – you know, the bit where we press lips together?’
I took his dopey smile as permission and leaned over, pulled his head towards me and kissed him, hard. I shoved my tongue into his mouth and waited for some bit-twitching to happen.
Nope, nothing.
What the hell was wrong with me?
I pulled his hands up and got him to touch the back of my neck, which always drove me crazy.
Still nothing.
I pushed him down onto the couch and French-kissed him again, wondering why it got that name, then chastised myself for thinking about anything except Sid. He was eagerly kissing me back so what the hell was wrong with me?
I twisted my head and guided his mouth towards my ear. ‘Can you stick your tongue in my ear?’
Zero reaction, shit.
‘Right, try breathing.’
‘I am breathing.’
‘No, in my ear, gasp into my ear.’
He made a humming sound, which only served to remind me of bloody llamas. ‘Sid, gasp, don’t hum.’
He sounded like a panting Labrador; that was no use at all.
‘Right, stop panting.’
‘I’m not panting, I’m gasping.’
‘Right, this time can you growl like an angry bear?’
‘An angry bear?’
‘Yeah.’
‘I’ll try.’
He pushed his lips towards my ear lobe and growled, but it only tickled, nothing more. Time for desperate measures. Right breast, let’s see what that does.
I took his hand and slipped it inside my top, into my bra, still nothing. ‘Bugger, that’s hopeless, kiss me, Sid.’
‘I’m sorry, Kat. I’m out of practice.’
‘It’s not you, it’s me.’ Did I really just say that?
One last try. I straddled his lap and kissed him long and deep, with his hand now trapped inside my bra and the other stroking the back of my neck. Nothing. I wasn’t getting anything, so incredibly frustrating.
I carried on kissing him, wondering if I could just pretend to be turned on whenever we had sex, but quickly realised that wouldn’t be fair on either of us. I had to tell him. I pulled back and looked sadly into his eyes.
Here was the perfect man for me. Intelligent, he adored me, wouldn’t expect me to be anything I wasn’t, didn’t have a wife or kids or any other ties and yet I couldn’t feel anything – so unfair.
‘I’m sorry, Sid. I so wanted to like you, well, I do like you, obviously, but I wanted to really like you, but it’s just not happening for me.’
The disappointment in his eyes made me feel worse and I wished I could do something to make it work.
‘I’m sorry too.’ He smiled. ‘I was enjoying that, especially the animal impressions.’
‘You’re such a lovely man and you’ve got everything going for you and yet …’
‘It’s the chemistry thing, isn’t it?’
I nodded, tears forming in my eyes.
‘Well, there’s nothing to be done about that, I’m afraid.’
‘Maybe I can take some drugs to make it happen, like female Viagra.’
Sid laughed out loud but it had been a deadly serious suggestion from me. ‘Oh, Kat, the chemistry thing’s there for a reason. I’m pretty sure it’s an evolutionary block designed to make sure that when people have babies there’s as big a gene gap between them as possible. That’s why they say opposites attract – there’s some truth in that. Maybe we’re just too close on the evolutionary gene pool.’
I blinked.
A smile formed on his face and he said, ‘Or maybe that’s a load of bollocks and I’m trying to find a way to make us both feel better.’
‘Sid, why are you so clever? I didn’t think you were.’
‘I’ve got a medical degree.’
‘Yes, I know, but that doesn’t mean anything, well, no, that’s not true; of course, it means something, but it’s not relevant to this, about you knowing stuff.’
‘Well, I know you’ve still got the major hots for the zombie and, knowing you as I do, until you get that sorted you’ll not be able to focus on anything.’
Truth be told, I hadn’t really been thinking that much about Nathan, which I took to be a good sign, but it might have had something to do with me trying to get my body to want to jump Sid’s bones.
‘I suppose as a friend I should really tell you to just give up on him; that would be the sensible advice.’
‘But that’s not what you’re going to tell me?’
‘I’ll probably regret this, so might you, but the problem is, if you’re still in love with him it’s going to stop you finding anyone else. Take it from someone who knows.’ He smiled at me and I felt incredibly guilty about, well … everything.
‘I’m not sure if you’ll even go for this, but to get Nathan back, assuming you want him back, you need to compete on a level playing field. You can bet his wife has played the “weirdo” card with him, saying you’re evil or whatever, and he’s maybe not bought into the whole idea, but he’s bought into it enough.’
‘You’ve said that to me before – so you want me to stop being who I am?’
‘Not me, I love who you are.’
‘Right.’
‘It’s only for a little while, tone it down, then once you’re back together you can go back to normal, or not normal, or whatever … well, you know?’
‘Thanks for being so supportive after what just happened … or didn’t happen.’
‘I do have an ulterior motive. I have to work with you and I need you to be happy and focused or the contents of your handbag are liable to end up inside random dead people.’
‘It was a pair of scissors.’
‘This time, yes, but next it’ll be a lipstick, a phone or your Silver Bullet Vibrator. Then at some funeral, the service will grind to a halt, as they try to identify where the strange buzzing noise is coming from.’
I didn’t own a Silver Bullet Vibrator but laughed out loud anyway, knowing he’d chosen humour to try and cover up the awkwardness of the situation. On that note, ‘Sid, you can probably take your hand out of my bra now.’
‘Aww, do I have to?’
‘I’m afraid so. We can’t go about like this.’
He removed his hand and I pulled my top straight while Sid went to make tea. Nothing a good cup of tea couldn’t fix.
As we sat nursing hot mugs, chatting as if nothing weird had happened, I sensed that I’d lost something important in the last few hours. Not Sid’s friendship, but something else. His admiration? Maybe. His respect? Give our antics this evening, probably, but it wasn’t that. Then, with a start, I realised: he’d given up on me. Even I’d not managed to do that yet.
*