“I don't understand. Were you in a car accident?”
He shook his head. “We were out in the field. It was one of those wonderful days when the sun was shining bright after a heavy rain, and green was just beginning to explode everywhere around us. It's was a great day for a hike. Or so we thought.
“It would be easy to say that it was an accident, that it was something that could've been avoided. Thing is, it was a bad call.”
“I don't understand.”
He smiled weakly and looked down at his hand resting on his thigh. She wanted to put her hands there to give him comfort and reassurance. She held back. The fact that he was talking to her about something that was clearly painful was enough.
“We were both experienced survivalists. I think that sometimes makes you cocky. Or maybe a little lazy. I never thought of myself that way, but maybe that was it. I’ve played it over in my mind so many times looking for an answer, and every replay of what happened comes up the same. We should have known better. I should have known better. But it’s also hard to separate what really happened with what is fiction in my mind because that’s what I can accept.”
“What happened?”
“Like I said, the day was beautiful. We'd been holed up in a tent in rainy weather for about a week. Both of us were stir crazy and wanted to get out and explore. We both were experienced climbers. It wasn't something either of us feared or questioned would be a bad thing that day. Looking back, there were things we both missed. We went hiking to a location where we had some monitors we wanted to check. There'd been some seismic activity earlier in the season and we were checking river flows and soil samples that might indicate a problem.”
“She was a scientist like you?”
“Environmental science, yes. We’d go to places that other team members really weren’t crazy about. I used to think Carol was crazy for being like me. She didn't mind being out in nature or even throwing down her backpack and sleeping right on the ground. Most of the team liked some pamperings out in the field. But Carol liked to just get into things and get right to work. She took the essentials, water, food, or instruments. A tent was just extra weight.”
A pang of jealousy stabbed at Harper. They seemed like the perfect match. How could he possibly see her the way he'd seen his wife? He loved his wife. He’d lost her. Harper couldn't compete with that even if she tried.
“We climbed pretty high and there was a section we knew we had to repel across two rock formations. Otherwise, we would have to go down the mountain and back up again to avoid the ravine below. Carol put the harness on. We had bolted some hooks in the rocks the week before when we’d arrived. We’d gone back and forth over that ravine several times already. And while we were up there looking at the green and loving feeling that sunshine on us, we missed something.”
Harper felt a slow burning in her stomach and it began to grow as her imagination ran rampant. But she didn't say anything. She just looked at the pain in ashen face and let him unload whatever was he needed to say.
“She was almost to the other side.”
“She went first?”
“I wish I had. If I had, maybe I would've looked up and seen a problem with the bolts that were secured to the rock. She wasn't paying attention all. She was just pulling herself along, laughing and waiting to get to the other side so she could climb up to the landing and wait for me. I don't know what happened for sure. But a bolt came free before she reached the other side and she fell.”
“Oh no.”
“If I had gone first maybe I would've seen it. I would’ve seen the problem and had been prepared somehow.”
“Why are you torturing yourself like this? What could you have done if it had been you on the cable and the bolts came free?”
He shook his head and he shrugged. “I don't know. I remember when I first started out I trained on the cables. Maybe I would've felt the bolts slipping. I would've seen the rock crack. I don't know. But it would have been me that had fall into the ravine and died, not Carol.”
Harper shook her head. “You could drive yourself crazy thinking like that.”
“For the first year, I did.”
She frowned. “What did you do?”
“I kept going back there. I knew what I expected to find. I kept testing to see if it would break again, almost challenging it to do it. I thought in my mind that if it did, I could catch the cable, and I could hold onto the cable and climb up. If I had gone over first, then maybe I could've done that and both of us would've survived. A big part of me thought and still thinks that I died that day with Carol. I watched her fall. I watched and could see the look on her face as she was falling backwards and there wasn't a damn thing I could do to help her.”
“I'm so sorry. That must be so hard for you to live with that image in that memory.”
“The living part? That started back about six months ago. Before that, I was convinced I was dead. Dead inside anyway. So I hope you can understand my strange reaction to you.”
“It's normal to feel that way after grieving for so long. To want to protect yourself and be cautious.”
“Cautious? No, that's not it. I shouldn't have kissed you, Harper. I can't start something and then pretend that I can be whole. That's not fair to you.”
“Shouldn’t I be the judge of that?”
“There is a big part of me that died with Carol that day. I'm not sure I can give that to someone or bring it back.”
“I know you have feelings for me, Nash. I know you're afraid. I am to. Maybe not the same reason, but the fear is still there.”
“It's too fast. It's too much.”
“So just like that you’re giving up?”
“I don't think of it as giving up. I think of it more as protecting you in a way that I couldn’t protect Carol.”
“The two things have nothing to do with each other. Look, I don’t know what a love like that is. And maybe it doesn’t happen twice in a lifetime. But I know what I feel for you. I’m in love with you, Nash.”
His eyes widened. “No. You can't be.”
“Why not?”
“I won't let you be.”
“You just told me that when you fall in love, you know. Well, I know. I don't need months or years to figure this out. I've never felt this way about anybody before. And please, don't tell me it's because we were caught in a situation that was forced on us. That's true. But we could easily be forced together and part ways without feeling this way. The feelings I have for you are real, Nash. And despite what you're doing, I know you have feelings for me, too. Otherwise, it wouldn't matter to you to walk away from me without explaining. I know you are afraid. But I also know that you love me. I just hope you realize it before you miss out on the best part of living. And that’s loving. Even if it means you might lose that love someday.