It was such a mild evening that they decided to walk to the sub shop rather than drive. It was only about a quarter of a mile from Hunter’s apartment and the sky was filled with stars so bright that it made no difference that the moon was barely a sliver in the sky and provided no light.
“How did you do it?” Julie asked, after a few minutes of silent walking.
“What?”
“Get clean.”
She sensed his body getting tense as he kicked at the ground twice while walking. “It wasn’t easy.”
“I’ll bet. When?”
“Soon after you left. Something happened. Something awful. It woke me up.”
“My leaving didn’t?”
“That was the beginning. It made me look at myself. And then when Doug was killed, I took a harder look.”
“Doug?”
“Doug Mitchell. Marie’s brother.”
She nodded. “I didn’t know.”
“Why would you? You weren’t here.”
“How was he killed? Drugs?”
“In a manner of speaking. But no. It was a freak accident. Brody and he fought and Doug fell back and hit his head on a stone wall. It was manslaughter. Brody did some time.”
Her mouth dropped open. “I guess I have missed some things.”
“Nothing you needed to know. Anyway, I’d been trying my best to beat the addiction. After Doug’s death, I saw how destructive my life was. I’m sorry. I never meant to do that to you.”
She nodded and continued walking as she held back a sigh that had been building up inside her since she’d arrived in town. He had no idea what had ultimately made her leave. She’d seen the drugs in his truck. She’d seen him use. It was from a distance. But it scared her to death.
She’d gone over to the ranch to tell him that she’d found out she was pregnant. She knew her parents would be angry. They’d know about all the lies she’d told to secretly see Hunter. And they’d forbid her from seeing him again.
And then she saw him when he thought no one was looking. Her heart shattered. How could she have a baby with a man who was addicted to drugs? She’d suspected something was up. But she hadn’t known for sure until that moment.
So she’d left. She hadn’t even bothered to say goodbye.
“So all this time I’ve been gone, you’ve been clean?”
“Not all. But close. I don’t count the first year since it was pretty rough going. There was the trial for Doug’s death. Brody had it pretty bad. He’d been trying to protect Marie from Doug because he knew Doug was supplying Marie.”
“That’s awful. So Doug’s death woke you up and made you realize you needed help?”
His whole body became rigid as he walked.
“You don’t like talking about it, do you?”
“No,” he said.
Julie couldn’t exactly blame him. She wasn’t ready for her own truths, and she knew how hard it was to come to terms with them.
“Then let’s not talk about it.”
“Good. Because this is the first night I’ve actually been able to enjoy a walk in a long time. Now that I’m side by side with a pretty girl, I don’t want to ruin it with anything bad.”
“Yeah? Why is that?”
“I’ve been busy. Now that competition is in full force, I get even more calls. Sometimes I get emergency calls to shoe horses.”
She glanced at him as he spoke. He felt comfortable talking about what he did as if it were nothing.
“When did you learn to be a farrier?” she asked.
“I was clean for about a year. I worked on the Lone Creek Ranch for a while and showed an interest when the regular farrier would come by. He was getting ready to retire in a few years and I’d watch him. Trip noticed and suggested I do some apprentice work so I could do some shoeing at the ranch after the other farrier retired. I never had schooling. I’d finally accepted my bull riding days were over. So I fell into it. Arthur was the old man’s name. Nice guy. He’s since passed away.”
“Oh, I’m sorry.”
“He had a good life.”
She thought of Margaret. She’d had a good life too. But it still made Julie sad to think about her.
“You like working with horses.”
He nodded. “After a while, word got out that I’d apprenticed with Arthur, and I started getting calls. I had to start turning people down because I was still working as a ranch hand at the Lone Creek. One day Trip sat me down and told me he thought it was time to spread my wings so to speak.”
“He did? He didn’t mind your leaving?”
Hunter shrugged. “Oh, he minded. But he knew I’d be back. I go back to the Lone Creek a lot. But he knew I’d be holding myself back if I stayed. At first, I didn’t see it that way. I felt pretty raw about it for a while, especially since I wasn’t sure I’d get the work I needed to have my own place. I was nervous about the change of routine and how that would affect me. But Trip invited me along to events when he was going and he introduced me to some people. I don’t have to travel far to get work and I’m pretty busy most of the time. Sometimes too busy.”
“You like the work. I can tell by the way you’re talking.”
“I do. I thought my shoulder would give me trouble. But it’s doing okay since the surgery. I feel for them.”
“What?”
“The horses. I see a lame horse come back after an injury and it makes the long hours and backaches I get worth it.”
She walked in silence for a few seconds as the sub shop lights came into view. “I envy you.”
“Why is that?”
“You know what makes you happy.”
He glanced at her and then ahead as he sighed. “That may be so, but a man can’t always have what makes him happy.”
His gaze bore into her and made her whole body shiver with anticipation. She wanted him to kiss her. She could almost feel his lips against hers as the memory of it crashed down around her. She wanted him to reach for her and hold her in his arms, make her feel small and safe as he used to.
But he didn’t. He turned and started walking toward the sub shop. She reeled in her disappointment and followed him.
They ate their sandwiches there and then walked back to Hunter’s apartment. Talking about anything and nothing became easier. He gave her an update on what had been happening in Sweet since she’d been gone.
After they walked back to the apartment, she was surprised that he’d invited her in again. She could have easily gotten in the car and gone back to Caleb’s apartment as she’d initially intended. But she didn’t want the easiness between them to end.
“So, you hate my curtains,” he said, surprising her when they’d gone inside.
“I don’t believe I said the word hate.”
“You don’t like them.”
She chuckled and looked around. “Katie is really the designer. But, don’t you think you need some color in your life?”
“Color.”
“Yeah. Maybe red curtains or teal,” she said walking over to the living room window and touching the curtains. “Maybe a brocade curtain with a design to gives some life to the room.”
He frowned. “I don’t even know what that is.”
She chuckled. “Never mind. It’s not important.”
She started to turn, but something in the corner caught her eye and made her think of the little box she had at Caleb’s. She stared at the stack of canvases turned toward the wall.
“What are these?” she asked.
“Nothing. They’re nothing.”
She turned and smiled softly at the way he was blushing. Yes, he was blushing and it was completely adorable.
“You have an awful lot of nothing there. You must have at least ten canvases.”
She bent over with her hand over the first canvas, and then stood upright quickly as if she’d just gotten caught opening a Christmas present before midnight. She turned to Hunter.
“May I?”
He shrugged. “You’re already there. Why not?”
“Where did you get these?” she asked, looking at each painted canvas with interest before moving on to the next one.
“I painted them.”
“You…you did? When did you start painting?” She stared at the painting with appreciation. Then looked at the next canvas.
“Sometime after rehab. We were encouraged to do something to keep ourselves busy during downtime. I couldn’t be around rodeo anymore. Still had a lot of pain. So I worked out as best I could and I painted. Some of the early stuff was pretty dark.”
“I can imagine. I suppose that is to be expected.”
He shrugged. “I was desperate to get clean. If they had told me to knit or make a bowl out of clay, I would have. I would have taken up belly dancing if I had to. That’s how desperate I was to stay clean.” He chuckled with no humor. “The stupidest thing I ever did was think I could control my addiction. I don’t know how it got out of control. I’m just sorry you were caught up in it.”
“You hid it well. But I suspected. I…saw you.”
Panic flashed across his face. “What do you mean you saw me?”
“I saw you using once. That’s how I knew.”
He rolled his eyes. “I always knew you knew. That’s why you wouldn’t even see me before you left. You wouldn’t take my calls. I was the reason you left. I’m sorry.”
She placed her hand on his upper arm.
“I’ve been there. Not with drugs, but in other ways. You get into the cycle and it’s hard to get out. Just getting out of bed seems like a monumental achievement. And then to actually do something functional, well, that seems damned near impossible. The darkness can be so strong.”
It had been different for the two of them. She had been grieving and he had been fighting a demon that he was sure was going to kill him. They’d both been consumed.
“I wish I’d been there for you,” he said quietly. “I wanted to be there for you even though I didn’t know what was going on.”
“If only.”
She turned away and looked the paintings so she wouldn’t see the guilt on his face. He blamed himself. She blamed herself. What a way to live.
“If I hadn’t screwed up. If I hadn’t been an addict, I could’ve been a partner for you. A comfort and a father to our child.”
Shrugging, she turned to him. “Things don’t always work out the way we plan. We can’t undo what we can’t undo.”
She turned back to the pictures and sighed. There was darkness there. But she could almost tell when the light had come back to Hunter’s life. There was color and brightness.
“What are you going do with all these?”
“Nothing. They were for me.”
She swung around with her eyes wide open. “You just can’t keep them to yourself.”
“Why not?”
“Because they’re good. Look at all this color. I’m surprised you don’t have any in the room. Don’t you want someone else to look at them and enjoy them?”
“Not really. It’s too personal. Just having you look at them makes me feel…naked.”
“People seeing these pictures are going to interpret them in their own way. They can’t know your story. There isn’t any reason to feel exposed.”
He folded his arms across his chest. “Is that right?”
“It’s what my therapist tells me. Dr. Matthews. She tells me a lot of things I don’t like hearing.”
“Like what?”
“Like every time I walk out the door people aren’t going to know my story. People won’t know my shame. I used to think everybody could see it. I used to feel shame.”
His expression collapsed. “You don’t anymore, do you?”
“I spent a lot of time in therapy to get to the point where I can say that things happen. Sometimes it’s no one’s fault.”
“And you believe that?”
She thought for a few seconds. “Most days. Demons are a funny thing. They creep back into your life when you least expect them.”
“Don’t I know it?”
She smiled. “I guess you do. I could be having a great day and not thinking about anything in particular. Then all I have to do is walk to the refrigerator to grab a carton of milk or take my timecard and punch in at work, you know, something random. It all comes rushing back. All the doubt. I start to believe the people are looking at me and judging me. But they’re not. They’re judging themselves and their lives. And if they’re judging me it’s because they don’t want to think about their own lives.”
He whistled. “Your therapist is worth every penny you pay her.”
She chuckled. “Trust me, I didn’t always think that way. I fought against working with her for a long time, but she stuck it out. Even when I kept moving, she insisted I continue having sessions over the phone. And I was in a better place when I was in contact.”
“I wish it hadn’t taken this long for you to make your way home.”
Her shoulders sagged and the never-ending doubt came crashing back. “To be honest, I don’t know that I would have if Caleb hadn’t found me at the casino like he did. I mean, what are the odds of that? There are so many people from Montana and the surrounding states who come into the casino. I could easily have worked on one side while he was on the other side and neither of us would have even known we were there at the same time. Have you ever been?”
“To the casino?”
She nodded.
He thought back. “A few of us went to the Red Wolf about three years ago. Yeah, I think it was about that long ago. Levon was still alive.”
“That was before I started working as a bartender there. I’ve only been there about six months.”
“Really? Only six months?”
“I did other things for a while. That was back when I lived in Seattle.”
He frowned. “Seattle? That’s where you’ve been?”
She looked down at the floor is hiding her embarrassment. “I’ve been all over. But I wanted to see the ocean. I just woke up one day and decided that I had to see the ocean. So I went. And while I was there I saw the redwood trees.”
“That’s nice.”
“It wasn’t. There was beauty around me and I didn’t see it. Ever. That’s one of the things I regret the most. I would pick myself up and go to a new place all the time thinking things would be different. It never was. At first everything was a big distraction. But as soon as that sameness of doing a job and living in the same place alone settled in, everything would change. Old memories would creep back and it would be as if I never left.”
“Was it really that hard to remember?”
“Yes. I know you don’t know why. But it was. I started going to therapy when I was in Seattle. I tried to run from it. I move to Olympia and then to… Oh, it doesn’t matter. I moved around.” She laughed and touched her cheek. “It drove Dr. Matthews crazy. I had years of therapy but nothing really kicked in until I came back to Montana six months ago.”
Hunter stared into her eyes. “Would you have come back if Caleb hadn’t found you, Julie?” he asked. “You can tell me the truth.”
“I honestly don’t know. I don’t. But I’m here now.”
“Thank you for being honest.”
She turned to the paintings again as the weight of emotion bubbled up her chest. “You should show these at the festival.”
“What? Are you crazy?”
She chuckled at the expression on his face. “Why not? These are really good. There will be lots of artists there.”
He sputtered. “No.”
“Why not?”
“Because.”
She rolled her eyes. “I’m being serious and you’re giving me a stupid answer.”
He turned around and walked away. Then he stopped and turned to her. “I’m giving you an answer. Maybe not the one you expected but it’s still an answer.”
She followed him into the kitchen. “Because is not an answer. That’s an I-have-to-think-of-an-excuse-before-I-can-come-up-with-a-real-answer type of answer.”
He turned to her. “The answer is still no.”
“But they’re great. Why wouldn’t you want to show them off?”
“We just went through the reason why.”
“You have a gift. This is something special. You work with horses because you love them and it’s your job. You paint for pleasure.”
“It’s just something I do.”
“It’s your therapy. It’s something that you love to do. Why wouldn’t you want to share that?”
“Why is this important to you?”
She propped her hands on her hips and fought to find the words. “Because life gives us surprises sometimes. And this is a big surprise.”