Hunter cursed his busy schedule all week. He hadn’t had time to do much of anything beyond having a simple phone conversation with Julie at the end of the day. He loved hearing her voice right before he fell asleep at night and wondered what it would be like to be in the dark and hear her voice as she lay next to him.
But he had to hold himself back. He couldn’t push her. The more they talked the more his mind filled with questions he had no time to get the answers to. He was usually busy from March all the way through November most years. But for some reason his phone was ringing off the hook this week.
They’d made a plan to go to the festival together. He’d appeased Julie by calling Ruth, a client of his who also had a table at the festival where she was selling some pottery. Ruth was excited about seeing the paintings.
Hunter wished he’d burned them a long time ago.
But he had promised so he knew it would make Julie happy to see that he’d followed through on that promise. He’d gone out to the festival grounds earlier in the day to drop off the paintings for Ruth. When he returned, he quickly showered and cleaned up so he could pick up Julie and they could head to the festival together.
Just as Hunter was leaving his apartment, his cell phone rang. He tried to ignore it. He didn’t want to pull it out of the his pocket because he was afraid of who might be on the phone. But he checked anyway just to make sure wasn’t Julie calling about some last-minute change.
As he suspected it wasn’t Julie. It was one of his bigger clients who had a stable of horses Hunter usually serviced. He knew that there was a competition next week and most likely this was an emergency since he was already scheduled to go out to Bert’s ranch next week. For people who were in competition or had injured animals, shoeing could mean the difference between canceling an event or in the most severe cases, it could mean risking further injury.
Hunter decided to let the call go to voicemail. If Bert needed him, he’d call back. Otherwise, he’d call back tonight. He’d been looking forward to seeing Julie for days and he wasn’t going to let anything get in the way of the day they’d planned.
He climbed into his truck and drove the short distance through town to Julie’s apartment. In a way he didn’t even think of it as Caleb’s even though Caleb’s name was on the lease. But Julie was there. It made it her home, and his compass seemed to move in that direction these days.
She was standing on the porch leaning over the porch rail looking out at something when he arrived. She smiled when he pulled into the parking lot and waited for him on the porch until he got out of the car.
“Wow. You look amazing, Julie,” he said, not being able to help himself. Her smile grew brighter.
She did a little twirl that made the sundress she was wearing lift a little along her thighs. “You said you wanted see my legs.”
He fiddled with his cowboy hat and then looked back up at her. Damn. “Yes I did.”
She’d worn the dress for him. He liked that. It didn’t really matter what she was wearing, but the fact that she’d thought about it and chosen that dress to show off her long legs just for him, well, that was special.
“Are you ready to go? There is already a line of traffic heading down towards the field.”
Her expression changed as if she was suddenly worried about something. “Maybe I should put on some boots. I’m sure the field will be a little muddy in places from that rain we had last night.
He glanced down at the flats she was wearing.
“They should be okay. If there’s any mud, I’ll carry you over it.”
She laughed, throwing her head back and placing a hand over her chest.
“You know that line would be real corny if it didn’t also do something to me. How many times have you delivered it?”
“First time. I swear.”
“Let me get a sweater and I’ll be right down.”
He shook his head as he watched her disappear into the apartment slamming the screen door as she breezed through it. It felt like the years apart hadn’t even happened. The easiness they felt together, and the flirtation seemed to all fall into step.
But those years had happened and it still left too many things unsaid. Hunter needed to know the answers to those questions he had when he was lying awake in bed thinking of Julie. Maybe tonight. Maybe they could put it all out on the table after a good day together. He wanted her to trust him enough to tell him the truth. It was the only way they’d be able to move forward. And he wanted that with all his heart.
He loved her. He’d never stopped loving her. He wasn’t foolish enough to think she’d fall back into his arms and trust him completely. It would take time. But he wanted a future with her and that could only happen if they bared their souls.
Julie stepped out of the apartment onto the porch and checked the door to make sure it was locked. Then she seemed to skip down the stairs. Just as Julie got to the bottom of the stairs, Hunter’s cell phone rang again. He ignored it as he walked with Julie to his truck. The cell phone stopped ringing for a few seconds, then it started up again as he opened the truck door on the passenger side. Julie looked down towards the source of the noise.
“Aren’t you going get that?”
“No.”
She frowned. “What if it’s important?”
“It’s always important. Everyone wants me to give them attention immediately. Right now the person who is going to have my immediate attention is you.”
Her smile was slow and her eyes filled with emotion.
“Thank you.”
She climbed into the truck and he slammed the door. Then he walked around back behind the bed and pulled his cell phone out of his pocket to check the caller ID. Bert again. It probably was something important. Bert wasn’t the type to nag him unless it was. Dammit.
He climbed into the truck and slammed the door. Then he turned the truck’s engine over.
“It’s okay if you take that call,” she said.
“Sometimes it’s better not to know.”
Julie reached her hand across the cab of the truck and touched his.
“Take the call. It’s what you do. It’s not going to ruin the day.”
He felt his eyebrows pull together. “It may cut our day short.”
“It’s what you do. And it will happen all the time whether it’s today or some other day. So take the call. I’m not going to disappear.”
He stared at her for a long while and drew in a deep breath. “Are you sure?”
She smiled. “I promise.”
* * *
They’d had to park at the end of a big field because it seemed like half of Montana had come to the festival. Julie and Hunter walked around the aisles of exhibitors selling everything from farming products to old trinkets and crafts.
They held hands as they walked together. Almost immediately, Julie’s mind went back to the last time she’d been to the festival with Hunter and had shared moments like this. They had conceived their child that day right after the festival. Julie had told her parents she’d gone to the festival with Katie and was staying overnight. But Katie had been home sick with the flu.
Of course, Julie had never intended to go with Katie. That had just been her cover. She knew her parents wouldn’t call Katie’s parents to find out if she was really there. Her parents had left town for an overnight church trip and they hadn’t wanted to leave Julie home alone by herself. At the time, Caleb had been in the military, stationed overseas. That meant that the house was empty. After the festival, Julie and Hunter had gone back to her house and made love for the first and only time in the bed she’d slept in as a child.
She had been eighteen years old at the time. She’d been an adult but was so inexperienced. But they’d been in love. She had never experienced anything that came even close to what she felt for Hunter since.
Today was the first time in a long time that she felt some sort of trust seeping back into her. She felt comfortable with herself even though she knew that they were a long way from where they needed to be. They had a lot of hurdles to get over.
But she could already see that Hunter and her were getting there. It was time to take those barriers down and face them. She was facing them and they didn’t hurt today. Not on such a gloriously beautiful sunny day in Sweet, Montana.
As they walked down the craft aisle that was filled with pottery and wood carvings, something caught Julie’s eye. She rushed over to one of the displays.
“Let’s just keep going.” Hunter took her hand and started tugging her down the path to another exhibit.
“Oh, leave her alone, Hunter. She wants to have a look.”
“You know each other?” she asked with surprise.
“Ruth, this is Julie. She’s the one who insisted I bring these dreadful paintings here.”
“So nice to meet you, Julie,” Ruth said. “Don’t listen to him. You have yourself a look.”
She recognized the first painting as one that she had seen at Hunter’s apartment. But there were others she hadn’t seen.
“You didn’t tell me you decided to display your work,” Julie said.
Ruth laughed. “Decided? I’m not quite sure he decided anything. He brought one of them to the ranch when he came out to shoe Old Smokey Bones. He’s my gelding. He asked me if I would hide them here in my booth today. Hide. That’s the word he used.” The woman laughed loud.
Julie turned and gave Hunter a questioning look.
Hunter shrugged. “Thanks a lot, Ruth. You were just supposed to keep them here so I could say that I showed them at the festival.”
Julie’s mouth dropped open. “Just to make me happy or to shut me up?”
“That was the plan, yes.”
“Hunter Williams, I can’t believe you would do that. These paintings are great.”
“Those pictures are going right into storage in my closets as soon as the festival is over.”
Ruth lifted a finger in protest. “Not if I can sell them first. That was the deal.”
Julie looked up and saw Tara Mitchell and Brody Whitebear walking toward them down the lane.
“Oh, geez,” Hunter said, turning away. “Ruth, put those things away.”
“I will not!”
“Hey, we found you,” Tara said. Before anyone could say anything more Tara zeroed in on the painting they were looking at.
“Oh, look at this, Brody. This is beautiful.” Tara turned to Ruth. “Is this from a local artisan?”
Ruth motioned with her eyes to Hunter.
Tara swung around with her mouth dropped open. Brody frowned.
“You did these, bro?” Brody asked Hunter.
Hunter blew out a quick breath. “Yeah. Can we put them away now?”
“Hunter Williams, you’ve been holding out on me,” Tara said, looking at the painting of a boy and girl climbing a fence to look at a man on a bronc. “This is wonderful. I want to get some of these in my shop.”
“I’m not ready, Tara,” Hunter said quickly. “I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready.”
“You obviously are now. How many of these do you have?”
“A few.”
She turned and eyed him. Then she turned to Brody. “How come you never told me Hunter painted?”
Brody shrugged. “I didn’t know.”
“Why don’t I believe that?”
“Because you’re a woman with a suspicious mind.”
“That’s right.” She turned to Hunter. “I can sell these in my shop. My customers love local artisans.”
“I’m not an artisan. I’m a farrier.”
“Why didn’t you come to me instead of taking a booth here at the fair?”
“I wasn’t ready.”
“Stop fidgeting,” Julie whispered.
“I don’t want to be here,” Hunter whispered back.
“You’d rather be at the livestock show.”
He shrugged. “Yes, let’s go there.”
Hunter took her hand and pulled her away from the booth as Julie waved goodbye to the others.
“I never thought you were shy,” she said, nudging him in the side.
He put his arm around her as they walked in the direction away from the livestock display. “Nah, I just wanted to have you all to myself.”
* * *
They walked down a path that was covered with brush on both sides. Hunter could hear the sound of the band playing in the bandstand area. Somewhere on the fairgrounds, the livestock auction was in full swing. The sound of the auctioneer taking bids with his bullhorn boomed over the music.
But he still took the opportunity to pull Julie into his arms and dance to the music that was playing in the distance. She giggled as he twirled her around. The sound of her laughter, not the motion, made his head spin.
She was so beautiful. He couldn’t understand why she’d had so much doubt in her life and why she’d punished herself so much that she’d felt she couldn’t come home. She’d opened up to him about her therapy, but not about what had caused her to go. He needed to know.
“Why did you leave me, Julie? Why didn’t you tell me about the baby?” Hunter asked, feeling an ache in his chest that always appeared when he thought about the two of them.
Their day had been wonderful. He hadn’t pushed anything because he didn’t want to ruin what was new and good with them, even if it was only ever going to be friendship from this point on. But he didn’t believe that was the case. He could see it in her eyes. She still loved him.
“I had to go,” Julie said. “You know that. You know how bad things were.”
“I didn’t mean to scare you. I know I did.”
“Yes, you did. And when I found out I was pregnant…” She stopped dancing and placed her hands over her cheeks. “I was freaked out. I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t go to my parents. Caleb was gone in the military. And then I saw what you did and realized my fears were correct. I felt so alone.”
“You told Katie.”
She shook her head. “No. No one.”
“But Caleb…”
“Caleb found out by accident. I’m not really sure how he found out. But Katie didn’t tell him. He told me she was just as surprised as he was. I never had a chance to tell Katie what was going on. I guess I felt…”
“Ashamed?”
She nodded.
“Of me?”
“Of being wrong. Of being stupid and thinking…”
“What? Tell me.”
“It doesn’t matter now.”
“That’s where you’re wrong. It does matter, Julie. I loved you. Yes, I was a mess. But we could have had a life together. I would have changed.”
“How could I know that?” she asked, turning away from him. “I was a scared eighteen-year-old girl with a boyfriend who was a drug addict. I know that hurts you when I say it.”
“It’s true.”
“I thought I was making the right decision.”
“You didn’t give me a chance to be there,” Hunter said. “You could have told me you were pregnant. You didn’t. You just left.”
“I thought I was doing it because I had to. I thought I had no choice.”
“So you went off and had an abortion on your own?”
Her mouth dropped open. “Is that what you think I did? You think I didn’t want our baby?”
Julie spun around and started stalking away. Then she stopped and turned back. Behind the tears of pain was anger.
“How dare you. You have no idea what I went through.”
“You’re right. You didn’t give me a chance to know anything.”
“You were a mess back then, Hunter. You didn’t see yourself slowly coming apart at the seams. Trip did. He told me last week that he knew he was either going to have to bury you or throw you out. And he didn’t want to do either.”
Shock ripped through him. “Trip said that?”
She nodded. “He cares a lot about you, Hunter. He told me because he wanted me to know how much you’ve changed. He didn’t have to tell me that. I see it. But that’s not what I was facing then. I had to come to terms with the fact that my baby’s father was a drug addict. I loved a man who was a total mess.”
The words stung as much as if she’d slapped him. They were true, and he knew it. He deserved it. But it hurt all the same.
“I’ve changed, Julie. I stood at the bridge that all drug addicts stand in front of and I made the choice to cross it to the other side instead of jumping in the river of death.”
“Is that supposed to make me feel better?” She shook her head as her anger evaporated. “It does,” she said quietly. “Really it does. I’m glad you got clean.”
“Me, too. I’m just sorry you weren’t here to see it sooner. Or even let me know that you were carrying my child.”
“How would that have changed anything? You said yourself it took you a year to get clean.”
He paced and measured his words as pain built up inside his gut. “You said you didn’t have an abortion. Did you have the baby?”
“Yes.”
“So you put our child up for adoption. I’ll never get a chance to see him. Her. What was it? Did I have a son or daughter?”
She gave him a confused look. “It doesn’t matter. If I’d stayed here it wouldn’t have made a difference, Hunter.”
“Of course it would have. I loved you. I got clean for you. I looked for you.”
“You…you did?”
“Yes. I couldn’t find you. No one could. Ask your brother. Caleb tried.”
She sighed. “It wouldn’t have changed anything if you’d found me. We still wouldn’t have had our child. It was too late. I wanted our child. I…wanted to raise him. I was barely eighteen years old.”
“Him? It was a boy?”
She nodded as tears filled her eyes.
“He was born?”
She closed her eyes. “Yes.”
“And you gave him away?”
The words tasted bitter in his mouth. He didn’t want to be angry with her about it, but he was.
She gulped back a sob. “I found an adopted family for him. But it didn’t work out.”
“Why? They didn’t want him?”
“Of course, they wanted him! Why wouldn’t they want him? He was perfect.”
Tears rolled down Julie’s cheeks as she stood ten feet away from him. He didn’t want her to run. He wanted to know the truth.
“Tell me. What happened to our son?”
“He died!”
The tears streamed down Julie’s face and she doubled over as if she’d been kicked in the stomach. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t process what she was saying.
“The baby died?”
Julie wiped tears from her cheeks but they were replaced by new tears. “Don’t you see? If you had found me we still wouldn’t have had our little boy.”
“How? What happened?”
“I can’t go through this again.” She started pacing. “I have lived this for ten years.”
“And for me it’s the first time. Don’t I deserve to know, Julie? Can’t I grieve with you?”
She stopped pacing and weighed his words. Then she took a deep breath. “I hated you for a long time, Hunter. I hated you for being such a mess and forcing me to leave for the sake of our child. I thought I was doing the right thing. How could I raise a child when I could hardly take care of myself? And you? When I found out just how bad things were, there was no way you could have been a good father. You know that’s true.”
“What happened, Julie? Tell me. It’s okay. You can tell me.”
She shook her head. “It’ll never be okay, Hunter. I thought I’d made myself numb just to move on. But it still feels like yesterday. I can still feel the weight of him in my arms.”
Hunter’s whole body shook as he took a step forward. She didn’t move, so he took another step.
“Come here. Sit with me on the grass.”
He led her to a grassy area and they both sat down. He waited for her to stop sobbing.
“I went into labor,” she said, already looking rung out from crying. “I had dreaded it for months not because I was afraid of going through labor but because I knew it would be the end of my time with him. Every day while I was pregnant I loved having that little boy growing inside me. I wanted him. But I knew I couldn’t keep him.”
She sniffed back a few tears and he reached out and held her hand.
“You have no idea how guilty I felt, Hunter.”
“For wanting him?”
“Because I blamed myself. There I was in labor, crying and dreading every moment of it because I knew it was the end. I was going to have to hand him over to strangers. I wouldn’t see him anymore.
“The adoptive family had wanted them to take the baby away as soon as he was born, but I wanted to see him. I’d insisted. I wanted to see if he looked like you or me. I wanted to hold him. But the adoptive parents were there and it made it uncomfortable because I was so miserable and they were so happy. And I hated that they were happy. I wanted them to go away. With every push, I wanted to keep him safe in my womb. But when he was born, he wasn’t breathing.”
Hunter watched Julie’s face as she relayed the horror of what she’d experienced. Alone. He held her hand wishing to God he’d been there with her then so she wouldn’t have had to deal with it on her own.
“The doctor and nurses worked hard. The adoptive parents were crying by the bassinet and had each other to hold. I had no one. You have no idea what it was like when they told me he was gone. I wanted to hold him. I cried, but I felt numb. Then the adoptive parents wanted to hold my baby. But the nurses asked them to leave. They got so upset. They refused. It was awful. But the adoption hadn’t gone through so they were forced to leave.
“Then everyone left and I was alone with him. I don’t know what was worse. Failing or being alone. I know they blamed me. I could hear them in the hallway yelling. They wanted a perfect baby. And he was perfect. But he was gone. I spent years wondering if my feelings for not wanting to let him go caused his death.”
“That’s not true. You have to know that.”
“Yes. Now. It took me five years of therapy to accept that I didn’t cause his death. It was a freak thing. But I still blamed myself.”
“I wish I’d been there for you. I would have wanted to be there for you.”
“I got a few precious hours to hold him and look at him. Afterwards, when everything was done, I got a letter in the mail suing me for the cost of my medical expenses and some living expenses they’d offered while I was pregnant and couldn’t work. The couple who were supposed to adopt the baby wanted to be reimbursed. It was like our baby was a financial transaction. Even though the adoption agency said they couldn’t do that, it caused me a lot of stress on top of the grief. I lost it. Dr. Matthews said I had a nervous breakdown. The walls just crumbled.”
Hunter shook his head. “It wasn’t your fault. I don’t know how you could have blamed yourself.”
“It’s grief. I tortured myself. I couldn’t face you. I couldn’t face Caleb or my parents. I couldn’t face anyone or even talk about him. It took a long time for me to work through everything, but I guess I have. As best as anyone can.”
She looked so fragile and he wanted to hold her in his arms and cradle her until the pain of it all went away. He wanted to find the right words to comfort her but he still felt so shaken by everything she’d confessed.
Their baby had died. He’d never had a chance to see his son.
Tears filled his eyes. “What did you name him? Or did they…”
She shook her head. “Like I said, the adoption never went through. It was… A little bit of a struggle because they wanted to bury him. I had no money to do it. But they hadn’t adopted him. It caused a lot of friction at a time when I didn’t need that type of pressure. I mean, I was getting over the loss of the baby and they pretended like I shouldn’t be grieving as much as they were because I was going to give him away. Some of the things they’d said were hateful. But they were grieving in their own way, too, I guess.”
“That’s ridiculous. Why wouldn’t you grieve? Even if he had been healthy when he was born, you would’ve grieved.”
“In the end I was able to bury him. It took a long time to pay for it. Of course, the funeral was small. Just a local chaplain and me. I buried him. He has your name.”
“Williams?”
“Hunter Williams. That was the name of our son.”
“I don’t understand, Julie. I know you needed time to deal with everything that happened, but it took so long for you to come home.”
“Everyone grieves different. I grieved for you, and I grieved for our baby. And then that grief turned to anger.”
“Towards me?”
“Yes. And me. For not being stronger.”
She got up from the ground and brushed the grass from her dress. He got up with her but didn’t bother looking at his jeans.
“This is hard for me, Hunter,” she said. “People say to just get over it. How do you do that? How do you get over losing a child? I never had the chance to see him grow. But I had thought that he would grow up in a loving home. And maybe one day he’d come find me.”
“I should have been there for you.”
“It wouldn’t have mattered, Hunter. Our son died. If you were there he probably would have still died. And then what would have happened? Would you have still continued to get yourself clean? You were as fragile as I was back then. People don’t change overnight. I’m not the girl I was back then and you’re not the man you were. We’ve both changed. Back then, neither one of us would’ve been able to raise him. But no one got that chance.”
“You held him?”
Tears were streaming down her face again. Somehow he thought when she finally told him the truth she would be relieved. He’d be relieved. But he felt awful in ways he hadn’t thought possible. And by the look of Julie, she was no better.
“I can’t talk about this anymore, Hunter. You know what happened and that will have to be enough.”
She started walking away toward the field where they’d parked the truck.
“What are you doing? Where are you going?” he asked, looking at her with confusion as she grabbed her purse and the stuffed animal he’d won her at the fair from the ground where she’d dropped them when he’d started dancing with her.
His cell phone rang but he ignored it.
“That’s probably the same rancher who’s been calling you all afternoon,” Julie said, changing the subject.
“I don’t care.”
“Yes, you do. This is your life. I know what it’s like to build yourself up out of despair. My despair may been different than yours, but it still despair.”
Tears filled his eyes. “This may be old despair for you, Julie. But for me it’s in the present. Our son didn’t die nine years ago. He died today.”
The phone rang again.
“Just answer the damn phone, Hunter!”
“Why? So you could run away again?”