I woke with a jolt just after 1 a.m. Tilly hadn’t come to bed. Outside I could hear a wild whooping, like a war cry.
Stumbling to the window, wobbly with fatigue, I looked across the road to where dark figures were moving about outside Jinni’s. I could see torchlight. As I heard another triumphant cry, I realised it was Ben over there making all the racket.
I grabbed my dressing gown and hurried downstairs. The front door was open. As I stepped out onto the path, Tilly came running towards me.
‘Come on,’ she panted at me. ‘They’ve seen someone.’
‘Have you phoned the police?’
‘Jinni says we’ll catch him first …’
‘I expect he’s miles away by now, with all that noise.’
‘I know – Ben’s a moron.’
‘Where’s your father?’
‘He went to bed. Jinni wants you. Come ON …’
‘I’d better get dressed.’
‘What for?’
With Tilly almost shoving me through the front door, I put flip-flops on, tied my dressing gown tighter and allowed her to lead me across the dark road to the rectory. As we crunched our way over the gravel, Jinni opened the front door, in an orange kimono. ‘This way,’ she said in a stage whisper. ‘Tilly, help me close the gates.’
While I waited in the unlit hallway, she and Tilly dragged the big iron gates shut and secured them with what looked like a bicycle padlock.
‘That’ll sort the bastard,’ Jinni said with satisfaction, as she came back in.
Confused, I followed her into the kitchen, where Oliver and Ben were standing near the open back door. ‘What’s actually happened?’ I yawned. ‘Can I make some tea?’
Jinni flicked a switch on the kettle. ‘He’s out there,’ she said, nodding towards the back garden.
Jinni, it transpired, had already gone to bed when my three, still sitting up drinking, had spotted movement on the iPad screen. Ben and Oliver, clearly invigorated by another round of beers, had charged over there, only to see a hooded figure running around the side of the building. They’d given chase, but whoever it was had disappeared. But they knew he was still there because there’d been no sounds of anyone trying to scramble over a wall and they’d now got a row of wheelie bins blocking the exit back round to the front.
‘And we’ve been watching the whole time,’ said Ben.
‘He must be bloody uncomfortable,’ said Tilly. ‘Lying in all those bushes.’
‘There’s loads of nettles down the end there, too,’ Jinni added. ‘And rubble and all sorts. Serves him right. Hope the rats get him.’
‘Have you got rats?’ I asked, nervously.
‘Who knows,’ said Jinni. ‘But they like undergrowth, don’t they?’
‘They say there’s one within twenty metres of every house,’ said Tilly.
‘One and a half million in the sewers,’ put in Oliver.
I shuddered. ‘Can you stop it? Who else wants tea?’
Everyone ignored me. ‘Right, this is the plan,’ said Jinni. ‘We’re going to make a big deal of waving the torch about and then shutting the door and turning all the lights out, as if we think we’ve lost him. Then we sit here in the dark and wait. When he thinks we’ve all gone, he’ll come out and then we’ll pounce …’
As my offspring all nodded, I looked with disbelief at their shining faces. I really was in the middle of a Famous Five novel. ‘Are you absolutely sure there’s anyone there?’ I asked. ‘Who actually saw the hooded figure?’
‘Ben,’ said Oliver, at the same time as Ben said: ‘I did’, and the first seed of doubt appeared in Tilly’s eyes.
‘It wasn’t someone delivering pizza leaflets?’
‘What? At one in the morning?’ Jinni raised her eyebrows.
‘If they’re students, doing a holiday job …’ I shrugged.
‘There was nothing through the door.’
‘Perhaps you scared him off before he could leave it.’
All four looked at me as if I were ruining everything.
‘I’ll make tea,’ I said.
As I dropped a Darjeeling teabag into a mug, Jinni’s voice rang in from the garden. ‘There’s no one here. You boys go home. Tell your mum I’ll call her in the morning …’
‘Okay, sure.’ Ben was playing along.
‘I’m knackered,’ Jinni was telling him. ‘I’m going to hit the sack.’
‘Okay,’ Ben was now sounding rather staged. ‘We’ll be off, then.’
They came in and Jinni made a fuss of jiggling the key in the lock as she turned it. Then she turned off the last remaining light, leaving just a small glow coming in from a lamp in the hallway.
She went through to the hall and we heard her open the front door. ‘See you! Thanks for your help!’ we heard her bellow, before the front door was slammed shut.
‘That should have carried,’ she said in a low voice as she returned. ‘Now stay glued. Thank God it’s a clear night.’
She and Ben and Oliver took up position on three wooden chairs a couple of feet back from the dark glass. I sat at the table in the gloom with my tea. Tilly sat opposite. She drummed her fingers on the wood and yawned. ‘I hope he comes out soon – then we can give him a smacking and get to bed.’
‘You won’t!’ I frowned at her. ‘You mustn’t do anything illegal. Do you hear that Ben? Oliver?’ I added, thinking of Rob’s face if his sons were carted off by the long arm of the law. So much for him keeping an eye on proceedings! Both boys grunted.
‘The police take a dim view of vigilantes,’ I continued. ‘I think we should phone now and let them take over.’
‘Take over what?’ said Jinni. ‘They’re hardly going to come rushing round because we say we think there might be someone in the hedge–’
‘I think they will,’ I protested. ‘If you say you’re a single woman on your own and you’re frightened …’
Jinni looked cynical. ‘They didn’t do a lot last time. Said to call if it happened again. Much better to phone them when we’ve made a citizen’s arrest.’ I gave up. My phone was still next to my bed.
‘We must keep really still,’ said Jinni. ‘Though I could do with some coffee. Not to mention a small port …’
Half an hour later I could feel my eyelids drooping. I’d long finished my tea and was ready to go back to sleep. ‘I think I’ll slide quietly out of the front,’ I said. ‘I really am knackered. Whoever you might have seen has long gone.’
‘You can’t get out,’ said Jinni, in a low voice, still staring through the glass. ‘Do you want to lie down on my– LOOK!’
She grabbed Oliver’s arm. ‘See!’ she hissed. ‘Something moving over there!’ All three leant forward. Tilly leapt up from her seat and crouched down beside Ben.
‘He’s crawling …’
Despite myself, I joined them at the window and peered out. ‘Keep back,’ whispered Oliver. ‘Is it someone or the bushes are blowing about?’
‘That’s a body.’ Ben was adamant. ‘Come on!’
‘I’ll open the door,’ Jinni was saying. ‘Then we charge …’
‘Suppose he’s armed?’ My voice came out in a squeak.
Tilly threw me a disparagingly look. ‘He might have some eggs in his pocket.’
I leant forward as far as I dared and looked into the darkness, I could make out shrubs and trees and then I saw it too – a black shape moving slowly along the edge of the grass, keeping back against the bushes. We all seemed to be holding our breath. As we watched, the shape straightened up and a figure could clearly be seen creeping along past an old shed at the bottom of Jinni’s garden. I was shot through with fear. ‘Oh my God, what are we going to do?’ I put a hand over my mouth as Jinni sprang into action.
Suddenly a beam of bright light fell across the garden and she had the back door open. Before I could move, Oliver and Ben were running across the grass towards the intruder with Tilly behind. I heard Jinni yell: ‘Bastard!’ as my sons threw themselves on the dark figure, bringing him flat down onto the ground and Jinni swung a flashlight over the three of them. Someone shrieked – it was probably me – and Tilly chucked herself down on the grass too, grabbing one of the jutting legs, holding onto it with both hands to prevent escape.
But the figure pinned to the floor wasn’t struggling. He lay face down, the hood of his sweatshirt pulled up over his hair, and made no noise. ‘Oh my God,’ I squeaked again. ‘Have you hurt him?’
‘I hope so!’ said Jinni, grimly. ‘Let’s have a look at you, you weasel …’
Breathing heavily, Oliver and Ben sat back and rolled the man over.
A can of spray paint was pushed into the damp grass where he’d been lying. He winced as Jinni shone the torch into his face and we all gasped.
I heard Ben mutter: ‘Oh mate,’ as my daughter gave a screech of fury.
‘You!’ Tilly spluttered. ‘You stupid–’ She stopped, seeming to struggle for the right words, while we all continued to gawp. ‘You complete and utter TWAT!’
I stared at the blonde hair and pale face of the young man lying in front of me, his eyes wide with shock, as Tilly – totally uncharacteristically, and to everyone’s astonishment – burst into tears.