After breakfast, we all settled on the couch, me with my leftover coffee, which I didn’t really want but it gave me something to do with my hands, and R.D. with a glass of water, as if he planned to do a lot of talking and needed to stay hydrated. Gary positioned himself between us, his head in my lap. Tulip, who’d decided to give up on her grudge, cuddled in on R.D.’s lap.
“I missed this.” He looked down at her lovingly, running his hand over her head then down her back. Over and over.
Was I jealous of my own dog? Why, yes, yes, I was. “You can come visit her.”
That got his attention. He flashed his rare, sexy half-smile. “Would you want to change places with her?”
Heck yeah, I would. But I did not give in to his diversionary tactic. “I’ll start,” I said, sitting up a little straighter, all business.
His easygoing, flirty calm fled, replaced by a rigid tension.
Maintaining eye contact, I told him, “I apologize for my use of the B-word and the F-word.”
He laughed so loud, Gary jerked his head, spilling my coffee. “Shoot.”
R.D. jumped up, with Tulip in his arms, and jogged to the kitchen for a dishtowel. “Sorry,” he said on his return. “Didn’t expect you to lead with that.” He blotted my arm, then my leg, taking longer than necessary to soak up the small spill. “Caught me off guard.”
“Using profanity is not…polite.” Mom had been a stickler for good manners.
With a smile, he sat back on his side of the couch. “Apology accepted.”
“I guess, more importantly, I also apologize for saying you’re not better than all the others. You are. You really are. So much better.”
His features softened. “Thank you.”
“Gary.” I patted my lap. “Come back.” I needed his warmth, his comfort. Once he settled, I added, “About that Kurt stuff. That was out of line. I just…”
“Wanted to make me as mad as I made you?”
Not proud of that, but, “Yeah.” Looking down, I watched my hand as it moved over Gary’s soft head.
“I deserved it.”
That brought my head up. “No one deserves to be taunted, R.D. That’s what I did to you. Again. I need to stop.” I thought about how I could accomplish that. “I need to get better at fighting.”
“You can practice with me,” he offered, more amused than sincere.
“I don’t want to fight with you.”
“Good,” he said quietly. “I don’t want to fight with you either.”
“Is there anything else I need to apologize for?”
He shook his head.
“Guess it’s your turn then.”
He cleared his throat. “I’m sorry I tried to sneak out of here the night I left. It was wrong, especially after you’d specifically asked me not to. I’m sorry for that.” His eyes met mine. “And if you give me another chance, I promise to work hard at being a better communicator.”
The sincerity, in his voice and his gaze, told me he truly meant those words.
“As far as the notes, I hated seeing you so sad after the shit Dorian pulled. I figured if anything could cheer you up, it would be those motivational quotes you love. Did some poking around, searching them out, trying to find ones I thought would actually motivate you to move on, to focus on being happy, to realize how special you are.”
My heart. “You spent a lot of time finding the perfect ones.”
“You have no idea. Had to take frequent breaks. Due to my eyes bleeding,” he teased.
“You toughed it out, though. For me.”
He turned serious again. “I’d do anything for you.”
“You say that like you care for me.”
“I do care for you.”
“Then why did you let me think they came from someone else?” I had to stand. Poor Gary jerked up again at the abrupt change. “Sorry, boy.” I patted his head, then crossed my arms over my chest tightly, trying to hold myself together as I turned my attention back to R.D. “When I told you about the anonymous quotes, the secret admirer, whatever, why didn’t you tell me it was you? How could you let me believe it was someone else? Knowing that when you left town, not only would I be losing you, but I’d be losing the daily notes that meant so much to me, also? It was deceitful and hurtful, and honestly, I don’t know if I can ever trust you again after that.”
I turned away so he wouldn’t see the tears in my eyes, wouldn’t see how much I’d cared for both of them, how much he’d hurt me. A darn sniffle escaped.
“Don’t cry.” His arm came around my shoulders. “Please. It kills me to see you cry.”
I pushed him away. “Then stop giving me reasons to cry.”
He returned to the couch, elbows on his knees, looking down at the floor. “I didn’t set out to make you think you had a secret admirer. Do you honestly believe I would have intentionally created my own competition? An anonymous person who you would wind up choosing over me? If it had happened to some other guy, I’d have been laughing my ass off.”
“I didn’t choose him over you,” I insisted. “My first choice was always you.”
“Regardless, you were thinking about replacing me in your life before I’d even left.”
“I realized it was stupid almost as quickly as I’d first thought it. I was a fool to think some other guy could easily replace you. Even for a moment. I’m sorry.”
“Thank you. But at the time, it hurt. When all I’d been trying to do was cheer you up. Make you smile again.”
“Then why continue? After I’d moved on, after you moved in and we got together, why keep sending the notes?” Had he stopped at any of those points in time, I wouldn’t have gotten attached, wouldn’t have gotten the crazy notion to find him after R.D. left, wouldn’t have considered a future with a different man who didn’t even exist.
R.D. rubbed his hand down his face. “That’s on me. When Katie mentioned some anonymous person was sending you motivational quotes, she said they made you happy and she hoped whoever it was kept on sending them. I should have considered what would happen when I left and couldn’t send them anymore.”
“You had the perfect opportunity to tell me, and you didn’t.”
“How could I?” He shot to his feet and started to pace. “You started going on about this man who got you in a way that I couldn’t understand. About this spiritual connection you both shared. Lily, that’s not me. I’m not that guy.”
“You’re the one who sent them to me.”
“I visited some websites, did some searches. Don’t make it out to be more than it was.”
Ouch. “Are you telling me the words that meant everything to me meant nothing to you?”
“I didn’t say that.”
“Then explain it to me.”
“I chose each quote based on how I thought it would affect you, not because it had any impact on me.”
“You read them, understood the meaning…saw the value in the ones you chose. You say that guy, the one who sent the quotes, isn’t you, but he is. At least he’s part of you. Whether you like it or not, whether you want to acknowledge it or not, that means you have a spiritual side.”
“If I do, it’s only in relation to you.”
I’d accept that. “You did exactly what I needed, when I really needed it. I appreciate all the time and effort you put in. Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
“Still, you should have told me before you left.”
“You know, I’ve gone round and round with that in my head. I could have told you that night. Then what? Spend our last hours together fighting? Or maybe you’d come to the exact same conclusion you just did. Then what? Break your heart when I couldn’t be the man you built me up to be?”
He was that man, he just didn’t see it. “You broke my heart anyway,” I told him quietly.
Next thing I knew, his arms were around me, pulling me into his big, warm body again. “I’m so sorry. Couldn’t figure a way around that.”
“Your big brain failed you?”
“My big brain came up with the idea to find ways to do all the things I did for you when I was here, so you wouldn’t feel you had to rush into looking for another boyfriend.”
“Hmmm. The man who was supposed to meet my every need in bed never showed up.”
“He’s right here, baby.” He squeezed me tight. “The only man you will ever need is standing right here.”
“I’m sorry to tell you, but thanks to my tricky knife skills—which I’ve been practicing—and my new security system, complete with a panic button beside my bed, I don’t need you anymore.”
His arms loosened but he didn’t release me. “Sabotaged myself again,” he said quietly.
Resting my chin on his chest, I looked up at him. “I don’t need you in my life, I want you in my life. In a short time, you’ve become very special to me.”
His eyes darted toward the wall. “By my calculation, I’m paid up for two more months in my old room. But if you’d rather I find something else…”
“I’ve decided to turn that room into an office. I am running a small business, you know. I’ve got a desk, a cool ergonomic chair—not that I’m planning to spend much time in it, but still—and shelving on order.”
“Oh.” He sounded defeated. “You really do need an office.”
“There’s room for one more in my room, though,” I offered. “At no cost to you. I’ll be returning the money you left, in full. You need it more than me, right now, since you’re not working. How do you feel about that, by the way? About retiring?”
He thought about it. “Sad that that part of my life is over. But excited to begin a new life here with you.”
I could not have asked for a better answer, for a better man. “I cut back my hours at Speakeasy to focus on my Etsy shop, but I can pick up some shifts. I’ll cancel Mrs. Simmons so we don’t have to pay her anymore. I can—”
“Stop,” R.D. said. “I didn’t come back here because I can’t afford to live anywhere else or because I need you to support me financially. True, I don’t have a job right now, but before returning to Vermont, I sold my mom’s house. I’ve also got savings, and my attorney got me a decent settlement from the distracted driver who ran into me. I’ve got benefits from the VA and a lead on a local accounting job, at least through tax season.”
“Accounting?”
He shrugged. “I like numbers. Helping out with your bookkeeping reminded me how much. Haven’t used it in a while, but my undergraduate degree was in accounting. Whether that job turns into something permanent or not, I will do whatever work I can find. I’ll stay on at Speakeasy or bag groceries or pick apples for Griff. I will never be a deadbeat boyfriend.”
“Thank you for coming back to me.”
“I will always come back to you, Lily. You’re perfect for me, and I don’t ever want to lose you, for any reason.”
Without warning, he turned and walked into his bedroom, returning a minute later holding his unlabeled bottle of pills.
“Come.” He took my hand and practically dragged me to the bathroom. Both of us standing over the toilet bowl, he twisted off the top and dumped the pills into the toilet. “That’s all I have.” He flushed and we watched them disappear. “I choose you, Lily,” he said, cupping my cheeks, holding me still. “Above everyone and everything else, I choose you.” He set his lips to mine.
Having never dealt with addiction, maybe it was naïve of me, but I said, “I will help you deal with the cravings. You tell me what you need and I’ll do it.”
“Anything?” he challenged, that sexy half grin making a reappearance, letting me know exactly where his thoughts had turned.
“Anything,” I told him, meaning it. Just to get him going, I added, “Go with you to counseling or therapy or support meetings…”
He bumped his hip into mine. “That’s not really what I had in mind.”
I winked. “I know.”
On our way back to the living room, he handed me a folded Speakeasy cocktail napkin.
I held it in my hand, looking down at it. Up until that moment, reading them had been my secret pleasure.
“Open it,” he said.
I did:
The best feeling in the world is being loved back by the person you love.
My eyes flew up to meet his.
“I’ve been saving that one. I know it’s too soon, and we’ve been apart for about as long as we were together…but I love you. I’m a patient man. I can wait for—”
“I know it’s too soon and it’s crazy and I don’t care about any of that, because when you know, you know—and I know. I love you, too.” After I gave him the biggest kiss, I added. “You’re the one who’s going to have to tell the dogs they can’t sleep in my bed anymore.”
“Or, we could go at it so often for so long, in our bed, that they decide on their own they’d rather sleep away from us just to get some peace and quiet.”
I looked up at him. “Let’s try that first.”
Later that night, we put his plan into action, with very satisfying results.
T H E
E N D
Thank you for reading Stargazer by Wendy Marcus!
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