"Do you think it's okay to leave her alone with them?" Sady asked Matt as they entered the elevator.
"I'd say the odds are about even," he grinned as they rode down to the lobby.
They exited and Sady said, "Maybe I should freshen it now, just in case." She blew half a can of spray into the elevator and shut the door. Over at the security desk the guard on duty looked disgusted when he smelled the bags.
"No incinerator," he told them. "You'll have to use the dumpster behind the parking garage." Matt and Sady took the bags through the garage and out back.
Sady lifted the lid to the dumpster and fanned it up and down a few times.
"What are you doing?" Matt asked her.
"Getting some fresh air. That baby should come with a warning label." She gingerly dropped her bag into the dumpster and it exploded on impact. "Run," she screamed to Matt. "Kristen uses those biodegradable bags, and these probably expired!"
The smell wafting from the dumpster was overwhelming. Matt tossed his bag, slammed the lid, and they ran for the safety of the exhaust fumes in the parking garage. They entered the lobby as the elevator doors opened. A couple got out coughing and gasping for air. "Who the hell gassed the elevator again?" the man choked out to his wife as they passed.
His wife said, "This used to be such a nice place to live." Before leaving the building they glared at the security guard like it was his fault.
Matt hauled Sady across the lobby and pushed the button. "We're waiting for the fresh one," he told her. The guard gave them a mean look as the door to the fresh elevator opened. Matt grinned at him as the doors closed.
"Did you see how red his face got?" Sady asked Matt. "I don't think that was a good idea."
"Maybe not, but it felt good," he admitted, earning a smack on the arm from Sady.
"Not nice," she told him. "Next time I see him I'm going to give him some cookies or something."
"Try a piece of raw meat," he suggested.
"I'll just shove you over his way. He..." the doors opened before she could finish her sentence. Amanda stood in the hallway with her arms folded. Both children sat on the floor beside her.
"You two have a nice vacation?" she asked with narrowed eyes. "Did your pre-lunch conversation go something like this? 'Hey, let's invite Amanda up. She can bring lunch and then we can play a twisted version of The Ransom of Red Chief.' Am I close? Oh, let's not forget the diaper change to end all diaper changes. That girl is all intestines."
She held up her hand as she changed places with them. "Don't bother to apologize. I already have you," she pointed at Matt, "and Uncle Sam on the hook. Tell Harry he just joined the game. How do you like Twister?" she asked Matt as the doors closed. Sady burst out laughing at the thought of the three men playing Twister with Amanda.
"That's seriously not funny," Matt sounded shaken.
"I think it is. But I'll let you break the news to Harry. He'll feel better knowing he's not the only one," she giggled, motioning for the children to follow her to the apartment. The kids stared at them when they got inside.
"What now?" Matt asked Sady. She grabbed the list and Matt leaned over her shoulder to read it.
"Maybe something educational?" she asked, running her finger down the page to the lessons Kristen listed. "Maybe not! Latin, ornithology, entomology, geography? These kids will be geniuses."
"How about that one?" Matt pointed to the anatomy lesson. "You could model." He moved in time to avoid the elbow Sady sent his way.
"This sounds fun," Sady pointed to an item on the list. Matt scowled and shook his head. "Oh, come on- I know you can dance," she teased.
"Not like a pre-schooler," he said.
"Tough. We're out of options and I'm not even going to lower myself to suggest anatomy," she said with a glare. Turning to the kids she clapped her hands. "Time for music," she told them enthusiastically. "Song and dance." She looked through the DVD's and picked one she knew Matt would hate, popping it into the player.
She and Bea bopped to the music, singing with the lyrics that danced across the bottom of the screen. Sady looked at Argus with a frown. "Why aren't you joining us?"
"He's doesn't have to do it," Argus said, pointing to Matt.
"Real men don't dance like that," Matt complained.
"Yeah, real men don't dance like that," Argus repeated, standing beside Matt with his arms folded.
"Is that so?" Sady asked Matt with a look of warning.
"Come on, Sady. Where's your sense of dignity, your self respect?" he pleaded.
"It went down the toilet when I rinsed out those messy undies yesterday. Now get up and start moving. I don't care if you do push-ups or stand on your head, understand? I better see those lips moving as well. If you have something to say other than what's on the screen, it had better be silent. Or would you like me to call Amanda for help?"
Argus looked up at Matt, then he deflated as Matt moved to the front of the TV. "What happened to the real man?" he asked.
Matt gave him a sorry look. "He just got over-ruled by the real woman. Get used to it, kid. Your life will become a lot easier." Sady hid her smile as she turned back and took the DVD off pause.
"Oh, look," she exclaimed. "Here's one you should know," she told Matt. "The Hokey-Pokey. And the chicken dance! Aren't you feeling lucky, Matt? You won't have to sing to the chicken dance. It's just music."
Matt's lips moved through the whole humiliating DVD and not one word came from the prompts that passed along the bottom of the screen. He smiled at Sady and Bea having fun as they bounced and giggled together.
When the DVD finished, he grabbed Sady's arm and whispered, "We're even for the slobbery fry incident. If you so much as mention this episode to... anyone I swear I'll take your car and total it."
Sady's Mustang was off limits and he knew it. Her eyes narrowed. "If you so much as scratch Justin you'll be sorry."
"Justin? You named your car... Justin? What kind of stupid name is that? And who names their car?" he scoffed.
Sady sniffed. "It's a hot name to go with my hot car. Everyone knows you name hot cars."
"Maybe females do that." He turned to Argus and said, "Real men don't name their cars."
"Even if they get over-ruled by the females?" Argus looked confused. Sady snickered and showed Bea how to high five. Sady then sent her over to Matt. She raised her little hand, and he shook his head at Sady, then smiled as he gave in to Bea.
Argus gave Matt a serious look. "Did we just lose again?"
Matt ruffled his red hair. "No, kid. You just learned the art of compromise. Another important life lesson when it comes to dealing with women."
Before he could get himself into more trouble, his phone buzzed. He took a call from Harry. He was grinning when the conversation ended. "They are bringing Mrs. Davis by for a visit with her children. And they are bringing dinner." This time he and Sady high fived.
He whispered, "Harry’s as desperate we are."
Matt was right. When CJ and Harry arrived with Mrs. Davis her mouth still ran non-stop. CJ removed her ear plugs and Harry's eyes had the glazed look Sady wore after the underwear rinsing incident.
The kids ran to hug their mom, and the team took a few minutes to decompress. Sady waved her hand in front of Harry's face. "Is he coherent?" she asked CJ.
"Barely," CJ laughed. "I told him to bring ear plugs, but would he listen to me?"
"Maybe it isn't the best time to tell him he's on Amanda's hit list," Matt said.
"What, is this hate on Harry week?" Harry asked them. He glared at CJ. "I'm taking those ear plugs when we get out of here."
She snorted. "You can try. Good luck, you'll need it."
"I see why her husband volunteers for foreign assignments," Harry spilled, completely out of character.
"Harry!" CJ scolded him in a hushed voice. "You know you can't talk about him."
"It gets ugly when the chips are down, doesn't it?" Matt asked Harry in sympathy.
"I didn't see you rinsing messy undies in the toilet, did I?" Sady asked Matt.
Harry's jaw dropped. "You can keep the earplugs," he told CJ. "I need to hear more of the Misadventures of Matt and Sady."
Before he could pry any information out of them Kristen returned and announced it was time to eat. She took food out of the bags.
"Who ordered?" Sady hissed at CJ with a worried look.
"She ordered for her family. We ordered separately." CJ pushed Matt and Sady away as they smothered her with hugs.
When they sat to eat Argus complained about his food. "I want those organic fries. I don't like this," he told his mother.
Kristen looked at Sady and Matt. "I didn't know take out organic fries were available. Where did you get them?"
Matt gave Sady a frantic look, and she improvised. "Uh, well a friend of ours found them. I'm not sure where, but as soon as I know I'll tell you." Don't hold your breath.
"That would be nice," Kristen replied. She turned back to her children, making them eat the tofu and sprout piles on their plates.
"I know why the little one smells so bad now," Matt muttered and Sady kicked him under the table. He narrowed his eyes at her. "You know it's true. If you don't I'll remind you when you're rinsing again."
CJ and Harry tried not to laugh. It wouldn't have mattered. Kristen's children had her full attention and running mouth. She stayed to put them to bed. "Sunday nights are special nights when Daddy is out of town," she explained.
"What did she mean by special?" Matt hissed, listening to the lullabies Kristen was singing her children. "I bet all the dogs in the neighborhood are howling along."
"There's a special place reserved for you when you die, Matthew Meadows. Have some respect for motherhood," Sady scolded.
"I'm waiting in that line right behind her," he said with a snort. "What she's doing could be considered child abuse in most states. Hell, it's abuse period... unless you're deaf."
Sady looked at Harry and CJ. "See what I've had to put up with for the past day?"
"Wanna trade?" Harry asked with a desperate gleam in his eye as Kristen hit another sour note.
"Yeah, we'll trade you the kids for CJ," Matt said with a laugh. "What is that sound?"
"I think it's Rock-A-Bye Baby," Sady said. "No, wait... it's Itsy Bitsy Spider... or Metallica... maybe." She turned to Matt in awe. "Do you suppose that's why Bea wakes up screaming at night?"
"No, I think she's trying to sing like her mom," Matt suggested. "Maybe it's Alvin and the Chipmunks. CJ, you could become a rich woman auctioning off those ear plugs right now."
CJ snickered and shoved them into her ears. "Warn me when it's time to leave," she yelled to Harry.
Kristen appeared in the living room, all smiles. "Well, that was fun," she said.
"For whom?" Matt mumbled. Sady pinched his arm, and he whispered, "Oh, yeah. I forgot about the dogs." He moved away before she could pinch him again.
Harry sadistically pulled a plug out of CJ's ear and put it in his pocket with a wicked grin. "Time to leave, dear."
They turned to Matt and Sady while Kristen gathered her things.
"We'll see you in twenty-four hours," CJ told them.
"If we survive," Harry muttered. CJ shoved him out the door.
Matt turned to Sady. "You look terrible," he said bluntly.
"Thanks. I thought I'd sleep better in the bed. Enjoy the couch." She left him with his mouth hanging open as she took the bed for herself.