Carla pulled into Janice’s gravel drive, threw the sixty-two Chevy truck in park, and killed the rumbling engine. She rubbed her eyes and sat looking at the sky through the windshield, comforted by the lingering smell of gasoline and worn vinyl of her grandmother’s truck. Thunderclouds loomed in the near distance against the backdrop of the setting sun, threatening an evening storm. She rolled up the driver’s side window and then exited the vehicle. The heavy door groaned in protest when she slammed it shut, but she needed to be sure it was fully closed.
The old truck was quite a chore to drive. It lacked power steering as well as fuel injection, which meant she had to prime the damn thing before trying to start it. That was something she’d always struggled to do just right, so flooding the engine had become almost expected. Now, thankfully, but for reasons unknown, she seemed to have it down to an art.
Only took me twenty-plus years.
But she supposed it was better late than never, especially since she’d just learned that the old truck was now hers. Yesterday, that kind of news would’ve truly touched her, bringing back bittersweet memories that she’d relive with both laughter and tears. That had been yesterday, though. When she and her aunt and uncles stood united and tight, woven together in love and grief. Today, all that had changed with news that went beyond her inheritance of the truck. News that had brought on heartache and anger.
She’d retreated to the truck then and driven around all day, trying to relive the past rather than think about her new reality. She’d thought about the truck and how she’d ridden in it as a child with her grandmother, eagerly bouncing on the bench seat, while an old song from an a.m. station crackled through the radio as she clicked and unclicked the buckle on the lap belt until her grandmother told her to stop.
If her grandmother were with her now and knew of her current anguish and relentless worrying about the day’s events, she’d tell her stop, just like she had with the lap belt. But she wasn’t there, and the weight of the day tried to engulf her again, as if it had been hovering in the air, like the storm clouds, waiting for her to emerge from the truck before it downpoured.
She gave the truck an affectionate pat and headed for the front porch. A handful of wandering lightning bugs lit up and floated across her path, a welcome to both her and the oncoming darkness. A welcome that was lost on her.
“You’re home a little early today,” Janice said when Carla entered the living room. She folded her arms across her chest as she leaned against the doorframe to the kitchen. She was barefoot wearing knee length brown shorts that were a shade darker than her crew neck shirt. The deep colors only seemed to enhance her auburn hair which hung in thick waves upon her shoulders.
Is there any color she doesn’t look good in?
Carla sank her hands into the pockets of her trousers and felt her keys. She pulled them out and set them on the coffee table, the feel of the truck key too much all of a sudden. She glanced at some of the magazines sitting next to her keys.
“Arizona Highways?” She looked up. Janice shifted and she straightened from her lean. She appeared nervous. But why?
“The photos are really beautiful,” she said. She took a step toward the table as Carla sifted through the magazines.
“Desert Living?”
She found more. There were close to a dozen different magazines with the same subject matter.
“You’re interested in Arizona?” She was more than surprised, especially after all her talk about home and roots and red mud running through their veins.
Janice crossed to the table and gathered them together. She picked them up and disappeared into the den. She returned empty-handed and tried for that welcome home smile again. She didn’t totally succeed.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Carla asked.
“It’s just a recent thing. Guess having you here made me a little curious.”
She was fibbing. Carla could see it in her uneasiness, and she’d seen the issue dates on the magazines as well as Janice’s home address, so she knew she’d been getting them in the mail for some time. Question was, why was she so uncomfortable in telling her the truth?
Carla was too tired to try to find out. For whatever reason, Janice wasn’t willing to share her reasons for her apparent long-held interest in Arizona.
She closed her eyes and felt her body go slack.
“You look beat,” Janice said.
She sounded concerned.
Carla opened her eyes and saw an equal amount of concern in her gaze. She was once again voicing her perceptions, something that had been missing lately. There had been a noticeable difference between them that left Carla feeling confused. Though they’d made up at dinner that night after their disagreement, they’d both seemed to pull away after that. The guilt over the pain she’d caused Janice with her careless words had made her uncomfortable, and she’d been uncertain as to whether or not she should continue in burdening her with the daily stresses she was experiencing in dealing with family and friends. It didn’t seem fair to do that to her when she was already going out of her way to have her in her home.
As to why Janice had pulled away, Carla could only speculate. She hoped that the pain she’d caused wasn’t still affecting her.
With that in mind, along with the worry she was obviously causing, as evidenced by the look on Janice’s face, Carla considered downplaying her fatigue. She wondered, however, if Janice would readily accept her attempt. An attempt, Carla knew, that would be half-hearted at best. She just didn’t have the strength to try. She was simply too worn out for pretenses.
“Yeah,” she finally said. It was becoming difficult to think. Difficult to even remain upright. She needed to sit. But where? Was supper ready? Should she hang out with Janice in the kitchen if she was still preparing it? She was lost for direction and frustrated in needing any.
Things were so strange now. She felt like an outsider in a stranger’s home.
“I think I’m just going to go to bed.” She started to turn, but Janice moved to her and took her hand.
“Come,” she said.
She led her to the couch. Carla hesitated, still unsure.
“Sit,” Janice said.
Carla did and she let out a sigh, the cushions feeling like clouds. Janice sat beside her, Carla’s hand still in hers. She began to massage it with her thumb, a quiet gesture of soothing support. And with its continued repetition, a gesture that reassured she was willing to be there beside her for however long Carla needed.
She seemed to be back to the old Janice, and the familiarity of her loving kindness flooded Carla and caused a lump to rise in her throat.
“What do you say, Sims? Do you want to talk about it?” she asked after a long while. She touched Carla’s brow, brushing her hair back with her fingertips. It was an affectionate move, like what a woman did to the one she loved. Carla warmed at both the light touch and the sentiment. It amazed her how her kind, melodic voice and soft skin-tingling touch seemed to be exactly what she needed at that moment.
How does she always know what to do and say?
How can she be so in tune to me?
Carla wanted to look into her eyes to complete their connection, but seeing the sincerity and caring she could already feel through her hand would surely cause her to either reach for her like a lover or completely break down.
It was safer to keep her eyes trained on her lap and talk.
“Hm?” She brushed her hair again. “I know something’s wrong. But if you don’t want to talk about it that’s okay. We can just sit if you’d like.”
Carla forced down the oncoming tears. She didn’t speak.
“You can, of course, go to bed if you’d like, but—” Janice touched her cheek. “You just look so upset that I’m hesitant to leave you all alone. I feel like I should be here for you. With you. Even if it’s just to sit by your side in silence.”
Carla took in a shaky breath. “Are you sure? We haven’t exactly been talking a lot here lately.”
Janice moved her hand from Carla’s cheek to her shoulder.
“No, we haven’t. Is that what’s bothering you?”
“It has been, yes. But no, that’s not why I’m so upset.”
“Okay. Is there anything I can do to help? Would you like a drink?”
“No,” Carla said. “But thanks. I think I…” She took in another breath.
Janice waited, quiet.
“We met with Barry Freeman today, you know Grandma’s attorney?”
“Yes, Maurine told me ya’ll were going to go see him.”
“So, you know then?” It would explain her intuitiveness and comforting support.
“Know?”
“About what happened with the will and everything.”
Janice shook her head. “I haven’t spoken to her since this morning.”
She didn’t know. Her kindness and affection were exactly what Carla had been assuming. She was just being her. And had she not been so upset over what had happened that morning, she would’ve taken a moment to really let her amazement of her saturate.
“She—” Carla tried to gather some strength. “Grandma left everything to me. Everything. Her savings, her house, her possessions, the land. All of it.”
Janice squeezed her hand but didn’t say anything. She didn’t need to. She would know what her grandmother doing that meant. How it would’ve affected everybody, probably causing a great deal of upset and turmoil.
“I didn’t know,” Carla said, consumed with guilt. “I swear I didn’t know.”
“I know, darlin’.” Janice released her hand and touched her shoulder.
“They’re all so mad. So angry and confused.”
“Ya’ll didn’t talk? Work things through?”
“No, not like we should’ve. Mr. Freeman read the will and it shocked the hell out of all of us. I mean I don’t even think I’d totally made sense of what he’d said before Maurine got up and ran out crying and Rick stood up and accused Mr. Freeman of lying, acting like he was going to attack him. Cole managed to stop him, but then he glared at me and accused me of knowing all along. I tried to tell them I didn’t and that I didn’t know why she’d done this, but they wouldn’t listen. They just gave me the most hurtful and heart-wrenching looks I’ve ever seen. Then they stormed out and I chased after them, but Cole climbed into Maurine’s car with her and wouldn’t even acknowledge me before they sped off. Rick stalked up to me and forced the key to Grandma’s truck into my hand. He had tears in his eyes. He said, ‘At least the truck will be easy for you to take to Arizona. Not so sure about the house and the land. But I’m sure you’ll find a way. She always said you were the smart one.’”
Her chest ached as sobs tried to break free.
Janice sighed and wrapped her arm around her.
“He’s just upset. He didn’t mean it. That man doesn’t have a mean bone in his body, you know that.”
“That’s what hurts me the most. Knowing he would never say something like that. Not to me, or to anyone. That’s how badly he’s hurting and it’s killing me.”
Janice held her tight and wiped the tears from her face with the backs of her fingers.
“I don’t know what to do,” Carla said. “I’m so lost.” She looked at Janice then and her breath caught as she found herself in her eyes. She could see that Janice was holding her, not only there on the couch, but in her mind, wrapping her in her arms.
“You’re not lost,” she said. “You’re right where you need to be, where you’re safe and…loved. Where everything’s going to work itself out and be okay again.”
Janice pulled her into her arms fully, holding her to her chest in a warm, harboring embrace. Carla finally relented and fell completely into her, solaced by the cushion of her breasts and the rhythmic beat of her heart.
Loved.
She’d said loved.
And it’s not scaring me.
It feels good.
She closed her eyes, sleep threatening to wash over her quickly. Just before she let it take her away, she heard Janice whisper one last thing.
“You’re where you belong, right here, with me.”
* * *
Carla absently picked at the warm grass as she sat staring at the rectangle of red dirt marking her grandmother’s grave. She’d come to sit with her, hoping to feel her presence. She had so much to say and so many questions to ask, but all words had left her the second she’d seen the grave. The shock of her grandmother being six feet beneath that ground had left her with nothing but the substantial incumbrance that came with the reality of her death. She’d sat then, too heartbroken to speak, too heartbroken to go. The summer sun had seeped into her skin, causing a burning that she registered but did nothing about. She was there, next to her grandmother, sitting in the grass and soaking up the sun, yet she was so far away that her surroundings and, life itself, seemed to blur. When her cell phone had rung, she didn’t alert or even contemplate who might be calling. She just casually pulled it from her pocket, glanced at the screen, and answered.
Now, after a poor attempt at trying to persuade Nadine to tell her to come home, she had the phone to her ear, only half-listening, because just the opposite was happening. Nadine was trying to convince her to stay in North Carolina.
“I’m telling you everything is fine here,” Nadine said. “How many times do I have to say it?”
Carla threw the grass in her hand aside, frustrated. She’d missed the end of school and it wasn’t yet sitting right with her. She’d known that might happen, but it bothered her, nonetheless. There were, of course, other reasons causing her sudden desire to return home. She’d touched on the will and her family problems with Nadine, but she’d remained close lipped about the other, quickly evolving issue.
“I should’ve finished out the year with my students,” she said. “Like everyone else.”
“Carla, please. You know as well as I do that the last few days are lazy ones. Your substitute did a great job at keeping the kids in line, and you’d already packed up most of your room. And Roseanne was fine with everything. I know you’ve spoken to her.”
Carla wiped the sweat from her brow and squinted into the sunlight despite having on her aviator shades. Roseanne, who was principal of the school, had been nothing but nice and understanding.
“Yes.”
“And?”
“She told me not to worry about anything.”
“See? It would be pointless to rush back at this point. Everything has already been taken care of.”
“I just—need to.”
Nadine was quiet for a few seconds. Then she spoke softly. “I know you’re upset over the problems with the will, Carla, but, hon, you can’t run from it and think you’re going to somehow leave it behind. You’re going to have to take care of it. And trust me, it will be a lot easier doing that there than here. Trying to deal with family and tie up loose ends like that from a different state is difficult, I speak from experience. And, Carla, you know you need to work things out with your family. There. In person. You guys are so close and there is so much love between you, you don’t want to leave things like they are right now.”
“You don’t understand how upset they are.”
“Well, of course they are. They’re hurt and confused, just like you. You’re all in pain and still grieving, for God’s sake. So, give yourself a break. Give them a break. They’ll come around, you know they will.”
“No, I don’t, Nadine. I just don’t know anything right now.” She stood and angrily brushed the grass from her behind. Though Nadine was right about what needed to be done, as she often was, she wasn’t saying what Carla wanted to hear, and she’d obviously heard her irritation in that last statement.
“Okay, what’s going on? You only get this stubborn and pessimistic when you’re facing something you can’t predict the outcome of. Don’t tell me it’s just your family issue, either. We both know that will work itself out at some point, even though it doesn’t feel that way that right now. So, there has to be something more. Otherwise you would’ve bucked up, ready to go forward with a little hope and perseverance, just like you always do after we talk things through.”
Carla took a long look at her grandmother’s grave. She put her hand to her heart, told her she loved her, and turned to head back toward the church. Sweat stung her eyes and soaked through her clothes, causing her T-shirt to stick to her back. But that mild discomfort wasn’t the reason why she hadn’t yet answered Nadine.
“Carla? Will you please talk to me and tell me what’s bothering you?”
She palmed her forehead and laughed at herself, knowing what she was about to say sounded bizarre.
How had this happened?
Why was it happening?
And how could it be with someone I’ve known forever?
“Carla?”
“It’s…a woman.”
Silence.
“A woman?”
“Yes.”
“A woman.”
“Yeah.”
“In the middle of all this? Of all you got going on? Carla, what the fuck? What are you doing messing around with a woman? I mean I guess I can sort of understand maybe a need for comfort in all your grief, but to just up and sleep with someone, and at a time like this, doesn’t sound like you.” She paused, obviously exasperated, and took a breath. “I mean what the fuck? You don’t even like casual sex. You always say you could never have sex with someone you don’t know. Carla, my God—”
“Nadine.” But she kept going. Carla raised her voice. “Nadine.”
She finally stopped her verbal tirade as Carla stopped beneath the tree she’d stood under with Janice the day of the funeral. Its cool shade was a nice break from the sun, and she recalled how calm she’d felt when Janice had come to stand by her, not saying a word, just letting her know she was there with her, with nothing but love and support, should she need her.
Just like last night.
“I know her,” she said, recalling how she’d woken early that morning to find herself lying in her arms on the couch. They had been entangled, wrapped up in each other and pressed together like their forms had been melded together. They had to have fallen asleep quickly, because Carla’s shoes were still on and they both were still dressed in yesterday’s clothes. But that didn’t seem to have stopped them from finding comfort.
Carla hadn’t moved for a long while, relishing her warmth and the soft contours of her body while she continued to sleep, breathing softly, her hair cascading around her shoulders, framing her peaceful face with the color that reminded her of a glowing ember.
“She’s a family friend,” Carla said, coming back to Nadine. “I’ve known her my whole life.”
More silence.
“A family friend who’s a lesbian? You’ve never mentioned her—”
“I don’t think she’s—I’m not sure she’s gay.” She leaned against the broad, rough trunk and picked at the bark, thinking about how absolutely beautiful Janice had looked when Carla had carefully roused her. Those piercing eyes of hers had opened slowly, and dozens of tiny crystals seemed to be shining from their depths.
“Um, I’d say sleeping with you kind of pushes her more toward that end of the spectrum don’t you think?”
Carla laughed. “I haven’t—we haven’t.” They had technically slept together. “Been intimate.”
She heard Nadine sigh in her classic, you’re driving me batshit crazy, Carla, fashion. Carla tried to explain.
“I’m pretty sure she’s having feelings,” Carla said.
“And you obviously are as well.”
Carla once again palmed her forehead, knowing any denial would be futile.
“Yes.”
Another long silence.
“Now?”
“Uh-huh.”
“Amidst all this? The death, the drama, the—”
“Yes.” Carla could almost hear the cogs of her mind working. She knew what she was telling her sounded very unusual and totally out of character. The last Nadine had known, Carla wasn’t planning on meeting anyone again, much less developing feelings for them. The failure of her relationship had completely vanquished her dream of a lifelong love, and Nadine’s mere hints at possibly trying to meet someone new had been met with quick and firm rebuttals and an absolute insistence she didn’t want to ever go there again. She was just too jaded, with wounds that had healed, but healed with scars that were still red, not yet having faded to match her surrounding flesh.
“This is—I mean—wow,” Nadine finally said, sounding truly astounded.
Carla smiled, appreciating her friendship more than ever. She’d known she’d get it. The magnitude of what she’d just relayed was not going to be lost on Nadine. She knew Carla way too well.
“I’ve been staying with her,” Carla said. “Sleeping on Maurine’s couch was killing me and so was the constant onslaught of people. Janice offered me a quiet reprieve and I accepted.”
“And now you’re sensing a mutual attraction.”
“I’m almost positive.” She flashed back to the morning again, to when she’d just woken her, and recalled how she’d smiled shyly at her and greeted her with a raspy, sleep-laden and extremely sexy sounding, “Morning.” They’d spent an awkward moment untangling and Janice had run her hand through her thick locks, as if she were worried about looking unruly.
Carla had quickly reassured her. “Do you know how many women would kill to wake up looking like you do right now?”
She had smiled again, but it was coy.
“You don’t need to worry about your hair,” Carla had said. “Or anything else for that matter.”
Their eyes had locked, but Janice hadn’t spoken. She’d said so much with her stare.
Carla had started to speak, but Janice had stopped her.
“Please, don’t say thank you again.”
Carla had cocked her head. “How did you—”
Janice had laughed.
She had a wonderful laugh, and the sound of it had pulled at the strings of Carla’s heart, reminding her of times long ago.
Nadine’s voice brought her back to the present.
“You’re not sure what to do, are you?”
“No.”
“You can’t talk to her?”
“I can, but if I’m wrong, I’m afraid it will ruin everything. People here…it’s not like Phoenix. This is the Bible Belt. Being gay…a lot of people still aren’t accepting, and even if she’s okay with it, and she’s told me she is, that doesn’t mean she’s ready or willing to admit her own attraction. She might not even understand that what she’s feeling is attraction.”
“So, you’re thinking about tucking tail and running home. From your family and from her.”
“Do you have to put it like that?”
“That’s what you’d be doing.”
“I’m just so overwhelmed.”
“That’s completely understandable, and anyone in your position would be. Your heart is being tugged in all kinds of directions. The only way to stop that is to deal with one thing at a time. And if I were you, I’d start with my family. You’re smarter than the average bear, Carla. I know you can find a solution, one that everyone agrees with, and you guys can patch things up and move on. I’d make that my first priority and leave things be with the woman for now. You fear talking to her about your attraction, so just continue on as is. I know it’s been a while for you, but I’m pretty sure you can control yourself, right?”
Carla laughed softly. “I’m going to have to. I can’t risk making that first move without being one hundred percent sure it’s what she wants. She’s too good of a friend and I’m a guest in her home.”
“So, if anything happens, it will be her doing?”
Carla’s mind whirled with excitement as she imagined what that would be like.
“At this point, yes. I have to let her take the lead.”
“What would you do if she did make a move? You might want to think about that in case it does happen.”
“I don’t know, faint? I haven’t been with a woman in so long her touch just might completely overwhelm me and down I’d go.”
Nadine laughed. “You might be right.”
“No, but seriously,” Carla said. “I’m not sure how I would react. I just know that I’m seeing her in a whole new light now, and I’m discovering so much about her. She’s incredible and I don’t know how I’ve missed seeing that.”
“Maybe you didn’t. Maybe you’ve always felt for her, but you didn’t think you would ever be able to do anything about it, so you put it in its place. Tucked it away somewhere deep and dark where it wouldn’t drive you crazy and constantly tempt you to confess your feelings for her. She might have done the same thing with her attraction to you. A lot of people have to do that at some point in their lives, for numerous reasons.”
“It would explain the déjà vu I experience with her sometimes. But that could just be me remembering our past.” She sighed, the conversation stirring up more than she’d bargained for but glad that it had. She’d needed a new perspective and a point in the right direction. “I’d better go. I’ve got a lot to think about.”
A lot.
“You’ll be okay. Just remember our motto.”
“If you don’t know, you better FITFO.”
Carla laughed at the meaning of the acronym.
Figure it the fuck out.
“God, I miss you so much right now.”
“I’m there with ya, hon, so you hang tough, okay?”
“I will. I’ll talk to you soon.”
“Kisses and hugs and all my love,” Nadine said in their traditional good-bye.
Carla didn’t respond right away. She stared out beyond the front of the church, where the green disappeared at the edge of the hill. She had a lot to face and a lot to deal with, and it all lay ahead at the bottom of that hill where the old Chevy sat waiting for her in the parking lot. Now, however, she felt like she could handle it, thanks to Nadine and the one other person who had shown her continuous support and understanding, literally holding her in her protective embrace the night before. She thought about her as she said good-bye to Nadine, using the word that meant the most to her in this world, a word Janice had used the night before as she held her in her arms. A word she never imagined would be paired with Janice Carpenter.
“Love,” Carla said, lowering the phone slowly from her ear, still lost in her stare beyond, still lost in her thoughts about the mysteriously beautiful woman who had always been there, but had now suddenly become front and center.
She closed her eyes and once again paired her image with that all-encompassing word.
Love.