“Can I get one of those?”
Janice’s voice came to Carla from behind as she handed a lit sparkler to Erica’s son, Victor. He grinned and bounded off after his brother, Denny, who was holding his sparkler high in the air. Carla smiled after them and straightened, turning her attention to her next customer, Janice.
“Sure.” Carla pulled a sparkler from the box on the folding table. “But you have to promise to keep it away from your eyes and you can’t put it close to your skin or anyone else’s.”
“Gosh, I don’t know, then.” She slid her hand into her white cotton shorts as the side of her mouth lifted in the playful grin that now made Carla’s insides melt. Her eyes were already sparkling, making her request for one she could hold in her hand pointless. Their color was set off by her patriotic blue halter top covered in small white stars, appropriate wear for the Fourth of July festivities. Her face and shoulders were newly sun-kissed and slightly red. Her hair was in a ponytail which Carla understood due to the heavy heat, but she couldn’t help but imagine reaching up to pull it free from the bind so the heavy waves could fall around her face.
It was a longing Carla had endured throughout the day as she’d spotted her off and on. She’d mostly seen her with Maurine, which Carla had been glad to see, considering how little time they’d spent together lately. Maurine, Carla knew all too well, had distanced herself from Janice for the majority of Carla’s stay, even though the person she’d truly been upset with was Carla. But that was Maurine. She always reacted first and thought later. And though she was insecure at times and had a stubborn streak a mile long, when it came right down to it, she’d readily lay her life on the line for those she loved. Carla loved her for that. And she suspected Janice did too.
“Them’s the rules, I’m afraid,” Carla said. She held the sparkler up, waiting for her to decide.
Janice shook her head. “I better not, then.” She motioned toward Val. “He might want one.”
“Yeah,” Carla said, eyeing him. “But he’s a little busy right now.” They watched Val as he sat feeding Magpie spoonfuls of soupy homemade ice cream. Magpie waited patiently, tail sweeping the ground, as Val concentrated on keeping the ice cream in the spoon as he aimed it toward his furry friend. He didn’t seem to be doing it quickly enough for Magpie, though. The dog drooled and hurriedly attacked the spoon before Val even had it halfway to him. Val fussed at him, but Magpie paid him no mind, cleaning what was dropped on the ground and on Val’s knee as he waited for another bite.
“Everyone seems to have liked your banana ice cream,” Janice said. “Even the dog.”
“Thanks, that makes me feel so good.”
“Well, if it means anything, I liked it. I thought it was very good. Better than what I buy at the store.”
Carla smirked. “It should be. It’s got enough salt and sugar in it to kill an elephant.”
Janice chuckled. “So, that’s your secret.”
“Not my secret. Great-uncle Lloyd’s. Apparently, salt and sugar intake weren’t things they concerned themselves with in his day.”
Val shrieked with glee as Magpie knocked the empty bowl from his hand, cleaned it, and then started in on cleaning his bare chest and chin. Carla picked up the bowl, took the spoon from Val, and smacked his behind playfully as he took off to go wash up as she’d instructed. She tossed the bowl and spoon in the trash and got rid of the stickiness by rubbing her hands together. She smoothed down her white T-shirt with a faded American flag on the front and her khaki shorts, pleased they, too, were void of ice cream stains.
“They knew a good thing when they had it,” Janice said. “They didn’t worry about the rest. That’s probably something we should all do a little more.” She was looking out across the lawn where the grill Rick was manning still smoked with cooking burgers and hotdogs and kids ran and giggled while the adults lounged in chairs as they ate and chatted.
Carla removed her sunglasses, folded them closed and slid them into the collar of her shirt. The sun was finally turning in after a long, hot day of celebration and the nightly festivities were soon to begin. Rick and Cole already had the fireworks ready to go for everyone’s immediate, personal entertainment, and the church just down the road would provide the larger, more professional fireworks for everyone when they began their show.
Janice, when it came to Carla, had been MIA, and Carla still wasn’t positive, but she’d been wondering if she’d been purposely avoiding her.
She’d been unusually quiet the past few days despite their evening talks, which were still as thoughtful and lighthearted as they’d always been during Carla’s stay. And when they weren’t talking, they were sitting together on the couch, watching a movie, sharing a bowl of popcorn, their hands sometimes suspiciously colliding, causing quick laughs and quiet apologies. Of course for Carla, they caused so much more. Neither of them took it further, however. They just settled in closer, bodies pressed together as if neither wanted to ever separate.
That closeness had developed into a comforting familiarity. They had become intuitive, knowing what the other preferred, needed, or often times even felt, resulting in a competition of generosity. They did for each other, both happy and eager to give and help where the other was concerned. Carla couldn’t ever remember feeling so well known and cared for and she was feeling so content, her longing to return home had lessened, almost to where she avoided thinking about having to return when the time came.
“Was there a deeper meaning to that statement?” Carla asked, once again pushing the thought of leaving from her mind.
Janice looked at her curiously but didn’t answer.
“You sounded sad and then you got all quiet on me.”
“Oh.” She shrugged. “I haven’t really thought about it.”
Carla shook her head. “There’s something about that answer that I still don’t believe, regardless of how many times you say it. I know you pretty well now, Janice. You don’t seem to say things that profound without having given it a lot of thought.”
“Maybe you’re reading into things that aren’t there. Or maybe you don’t know me as well as you think.”
Carla sensed she’d taken offense. That, too, made her wonder. She knew something happened the night they’d walked in the rain, bits and pieces had come to her and the eroticism that had accompanied those pieces had made it difficult for her to believe they’d really occurred. But she hadn’t dreamt them, and they felt way too real to have come from her imagination. Something had definitely happened, and those sporadic seconds of recall suggested that she’d finally voiced her feelings to Janice and Janice hadn’t exactly run away. Carla wasn’t certain, though she’d thought about that evening time and again, hoping to remember, but she had the feeling that Janice may have confessed something of her own.
Janice’s behavior the two days following had fed Carla’s suspicion. She had been quieter, more introspective. She hadn’t been distant though. Just more…serious. Her smile seemed shy and she seemed to be very conscious of their proximity. When they were close or when they came into contact, she seemed nervous, and even a little jumpy. As if touching Carla were equivalent to touching a hot pan.
Now there was this…defiance. This challenge. Janice was facing off with her.
Could it be because her grandmother’s affairs were finally settled? She’d informed her of that, relieved and grateful it was finally over. Janice had seemed happy for her, but now that Carla thought about it, her mood change had begun after that.
Carla considered shaking off her challenging comment, to just move on and enjoy the holiday. But something about the way Janice was looking at her, like she was daring her to engage with her on this, made her decide to do otherwise.
“Maybe you don’t realize just how well I do know you. Or maybe you refuse to acknowledge it.”
“What are you implying?” she asked, finally meeting her gaze.
“I’m not implying anything. I’m telling you I know you very well.”
“And I’m telling you that you don’t. You don’t know my thoughts or my feelings.”
Carla laughed. “Yes, regarding some things, I believe I do. Even if you haven’t admitted them to yourself.”
Janice’s brow furrowed, and for the first time in years, Carla saw anger in her.
“What things? What thoughts and feelings of mine do you think you know about?”
“You really want to do this here? You do, don’t you. It’s why you’re facing off with me like this. You want things said. You need them out in the open. Because this dance between us, these unspoken feelings and your hiding, you can’t do it anymore. And frankly, neither can I. So, yes, Janice I’m pretty sure I know what you’re thinking and feeling when it comes to some things.”
“Such as?” She didn’t even blink, but her cheeks were scarlet and her eyes too seeking to be hard with anger.
“Love,” Carla let out.
Janice scoffed.
“Desire,” Carla added.
She crossed her arms over her chest and tried to appear unaffected, but she was clearly shaken. Carla saw it all.
“You’re full of shit, Carla Sims. You don’t know how I feel about those things,” she whispered looking away.
“Don’t I?”
She wouldn’t look at her.
“I do know what you’re feeling, Janice. And I know exactly what it is you want.”
“Yeah, and what’s that?” She finally looked at her, eyes narrowed.
“Me.”
The word seemed to hit her eyes first. The accusatory and disbelieving look she’d had just a split second before, was replaced with the shock of cognizance and exposure. She pressed her lips together, swallowed, and swayed ever so slightly. Carla braced her upper arm and she stiffened and forced back her shoulders.
She’d been unmasked, which was what she’d intended to have happen with her confrontation, even if she hadn’t consciously been aware of it. But there it was. It was out now, and she was overwhelmed at the suddenness of it. Carla had to give her credit, though. She was doing her best to recover quickly.
“Do you have any idea how self-righteous and sanctimonious you sound right now? You don’t know everything, Carla.”
“So, you’re saying I’m wrong?”
She started to reply but stammered.
“Why won’t you just admit it? To me, to yourself. You hint at it at times. Throw me crumbs that I can see and sense, but then you backpedal. Why can’t you accept your feelings, Janice? Why are you denying yourself the freedom to feel? Are you afraid to admit that you have feelings for a woman? Is that what it is? Because that’s okay. Just be honest about it.”
She stammered again, obviously flustered. The scarlet of her cheeks deepened, and her eyes flashed with what anyone else would see as anger. But Carla saw nothing of the sort. She saw fear.
“Please, talk to me,” Carla said.
“Not everything is as easy for others as they obviously are for you. And you thinking you know everything…it’s just asinine.”
She turned on her heel, like she wanted to flee, but a young woman with short lavender colored hair and a nose ring stood in her way.
“Dr. Carpenter,” the young woman said. “Happy Fourth.” She smiled at Janice, but her attention was then solely on Carla.
“Dakota. Hi,” Janice said. The adrenaline from their conversation was still evident, but she was obviously trying to adjust. She shifted her stance several times and she didn’t seem to know what to do with her hands. The smile she gave Dakota was polite, but it wasn’t full, and it didn’t reach her eyes. And she made it a point to avoid looking at Carla, even though Dakota wasn’t.
“What a surprise,” Janice said, getting no reply from Dakota. When Janice finally noticed that Dakota’s full attention was on Carla, her put-upon smile fell and a look Carla had never seen in her clouded her face, setting a truly pained expression in stone.
There was no mistaking what that look represented, no matter how hard Janice may try to deny it.
It was jealousy.
“I know, right?” Dakota brought her gaze back quickly to Janice. She pointed back over her shoulder. “I’m here with Trace. You know, Trace from class?”
“Yes,” Janice said, seeming to only half-heartedly search the crowd.
“He’s dating Wendy who I guess is related to someone here?”
“She is,” Carla said. “She’s a cousin. Somewhere along the line.”
Dakota laughed and scanned Carla up and down before blazing a very noticeable “I’m extremely interested” look directly into Carla’s eyes.
It didn’t go unnoticed, by Carla or Janice, who appeared to be so intense and so wound up in response, Carla thought she rivaled the rattlesnakes back home in Arizona. In fact, if Carla were Dakota, she wouldn’t dare step anywhere near her for fear of her strike. Dakota, unfortunately, didn’t seem to be familiar with the ways of a rattlesnake.
“You’re Carla Sims, right?” she asked, holding out her hand. “Dakota Reems.”
“Oh, I’m sorry,” Janice said. “Dakota, this is Carla. She’s quite attractive and quite single. But don’t let that fool you. Carla is no longer interested in love or relationships.”
Carla laughed, stunned.
Dakota, however, seemed amused. She raised an eyebrow and gave a grin that bordered on smirk as she shook hands with Carla. “I hear you’re a teacher, too. High school.”
“She is,” Janice said. “She’s quite good, too, from what I heard from her late grandmother.”
Carla said nothing, Janice’s jealousy and hurt obvious, but her intent a mystery.
Dakota continued.
“I saw Dr. Carpenter over here talking to you and I asked Wendy who you were. So, I thought I’d come over and say hello.” Again, the smirk. Again, at Carla.
Carla found the cockiness the raised eyebrow and smirk suggested unappealing. She would’ve felt the same if she’d met her alone, but meeting her this way, at the expense of Janice, aggravated her profusely.
She wasn’t about to allow this young woman to use Janice to get close to her. It was rude and with the feelings Carla knew Janice had for her, seriously torturous.
“That’s nice,” Carla said, determined to make things right. “I’ve heard Dr. Carpenter is a wonderful teacher herself. Very popular with her students.”
Carla saw Janice turn to look at her out of the corner of her eye. She was going to be taken aback and confused, but it would be worth it.
“She’s great,” Dakota said. “I didn’t even like to read before I took her class. And she saved my friend Trace’s ass by working with him one-on-one so he could pass.”
“Really?” Carla touched Janice’s shoulder and she flinched, her discomfort seemingly mounting. “That’s so nice of you to say. I wish I’d had her for my lit professor in college. But God knows, I probably wouldn’t have gotten anything done. I mean, look at her. I never had an English professor who looked like her.”
She felt Janice tense, and at some point, she seemed to have stopped breathing.
Dakota appeared a little embarrassed and she laughed and scratched her brow as she spoke.
“Yeah, she’s great. So, Wendy says you live in Phoenix?”
“Great?” Carla let out. “She’s fucking fantastic. She’s smart, she’s witty, she’s funny. I would’ve had a serious crush on her at your age. Hell, I have a serious crush on her now and I don’t even have the benefit of having her as my teacher.”
Dakota laughed again, this time her nerves evident and she glanced at them both. She finally seemed to be getting the message. Carla drove the last nail in the coffin just to be sure.
“It was so nice of you to come over here to say hello to her, to let her know how much you appreciate her and to thank her for all she did to help your friend. Really very nice.”
“Yeah. Okay. Well, it was nice seeing you, Dr. Carpenter,” she said. “I hope you have a nice summer.”
“You, too, Dakota,” Janice said with a smile that seemed to have had to break through concrete to fully expand.
“She seemed…nice,” Carla said as Dakota walked away.
“I’m sure she did. She just about rode your leg.” She shoved Carla’s hand from her shoulder.
“I was being facetious, Janice. I didn’t think she was nice at all,” she said. “Why do you think I said the things I said?”
“I don’t know. To embarrass her? To get her to fuck off? Well, it worked. She, however, doesn’t know you didn’t mean any of it. She thinks you meant every word you said. She doesn’t know you weren’t sincere.”
“I was sincere.” Carla touched her arm. “Janice. Look at me.”
“I can’t.” Her eyes were welling. “Not right now.” She shrugged away her touch.
“Are you worried she’ll tell people there’s something going on between us?”
“You think I’m worried about what people think?”
“Are you?”
“After all our discussions?”
“You made it clear you’re okay with my being gay. But what about you? Are you okay with people thinking that about you?”
Janice visibly deflated, like a knife had just penetrated her full heart.
“You aren’t, are you?” Carla said softly.
Janice straightened like she was trying to steel herself.
“This is…crazy. I’m not doing this.”
“Janice, talk to me, please. For God’s sake. Don’t keep doing this to yourself.”
“I have talked to you,” she shot back. “I have…shared my feelings. I was scared to death to do so, but I still did it.”
“I’m not following.”
“You didn’t then, either. And obviously you don’t remember.”
Carla searched her mind, trying to understand what she was saying, when it was that she’d shared her feelings with her.
“No, I don’t.” She shook her head, totally confused.
“There’s a reason why you don’t remember.” She started to walk away. “You were drunk.”
* * *
Carla watched Janice from a distance when Rick and Cole set off their fireworks. Janice held Erica’s boys tight and shrieked with them in delight as the rockets flew and whined and the bombs exploded. She covered Victor’s ears for him when things got too loud and hugged Denny close to console him when the fireworks he brought turned out to be a dud.
Carla was watching her stroke his hair and wipe his tears from his face when someone came to stand next to her.
“It’s such a letdown when they don’t work.” Carla couldn’t see all that well in the dim light, but from what she could tell, the woman next to her was about her height with short dark hair. Her profile was attractive and her build athletic. Carla didn’t recognize her, but she could tell by her accent that she wasn’t local. She was Southern, but definitely not from anywhere close to her town.
“I’ll make it up to him,” Carla said, referring to Denny, whom they were both looking at. “I told him if any of them turned out to be a dud, I’d replace them.”
“Aren’t you a good, what? Mother, aunt, friend?”
“Cousin,” Carla said with a smile. “And he’s a sensitive little guy. I hate seeing him disappointed.”
The woman turned toward her and showed her round face and large, almond shaped eyes. She was attractive and Carla knew she would’ve remembered seeing her before. But she couldn’t place her. She didn’t seem to resemble anyone she knew.
“Protective as well,” she said. “Sweet.”
The whine of a launched firework caught their attention and it exploded in a huge ball of yellow stars, followed quickly by another and then another. The church had started its show, and though the woman next to her kept talking, Carla kept glancing at Janice, thoroughly enjoying the way the bursts of light lit up her face as she pointed and smiled with the boys.
“This is the closest I’ve ever been to big fireworks,” the woman said. “It’s amazing. These kids must be thrilled. Does this happen every year?”
“For the last few years or so,” Carla said. “The church putting it on is relatively new. For around these parts anyhow.”
“What a treat.” She looked over at Carla. “I’m Andy,” she said. She gave a wave.
“I’m Carla.” She smiled at her but didn’t offer to shake her hand. She was enjoying the fireworks and the way their beauty collided with Janice’s, enhancing hers to a degree that left Carla breathless.
“I might have to make my way back here next year,” she said. “You can’t beat this.”
“It’s something,” Carla said. “I’m usually not here for this myself. I always seem to forget how incredible it is until I return.”
“You’re not from here?”
“I am, I just no longer live here.”
“I don’t either.”
“Yeah, I know.”
She looked at her. “You do?”
“Your accent. It gives you away.”
She laughed. “You aren’t the first one to comment on my accent. I had a gas station clerk look right at me today and ask me where I’m from. And not in a friendly manner either. He said I talked funny.”
Carla laughed. “I get that, and I was born and raised here.”
“Do they look at you like you’re from Mars, too? I told him I was from Georgia and he didn’t seem to believe me.”
“He probably didn’t. To him, anyone not from here is from outer space.”
Andy rested a hand on her shoulder as she bent over laughing. Carla couldn’t help but join her.
“Where do you live?” Andy asked, gaining some control of herself.
“Phoenix.”
“Oh, wow, so you’re in a whole other galaxy.”
“Yep.”
They continued to laugh. “It’s so nice to meet someone who shares my Martian status.”
“Well, not totally,” Carla said. “I do have blood relations here. A lot, actually. So, I can easily sneak back under the fence. You, I’m afraid, are hopeless.”
“Oh, thanks. I feel so much better now.” A huge firework boomed in the night sky, and Carla watched it in awe and then looked to Janice. To her surprise Janice was looking directly at her. Carla smiled and waved, but Janice did not return either. Her face was as stoned with pain as it had been earlier with Dakota. She turned away suddenly, as if she could no longer bear to look at Carla, but then glanced back at her as if she couldn’t help it.
Carla felt her world spin as she realized what was happening. Andy was still talking and laughing softly right next to her, hand on her shoulder. Janice was watching with horror, assuming the worst. Carla had no doubt. She could sense it even from where she stood on the other side of the lawn.
And amidst the panic she now felt in seeing Janice’s pain, three things came to her mind. Just as clear as day.
I would rather be here with you.
I find you interesting and…attractive.
I want you to make a move on me.
Carla closed her eyes as the memories she’d been so desperate to recall flooded her. Janice’s voice repeating, declaring, confessing.
She did talk to me. She did tell me how she feels.
And I was too drunk to do anything about it.
“I gotta go,” Carla said, pulling away. She should’ve chased her down and insisted they talk earlier when she’d walked away, but she hadn’t wanted to ruin the rest of the holiday for her by causing any more stress. She hadn’t seemed to be okay with anything Carla had said, so Carla had feared discussing it any further in their current surroundings wouldn’t have been a good idea.
Carla crossed the lawn, weaving through pockets of people. Janice saw her coming and she said something to the boys and then hurried from the crowd. She disappeared in the darkness and Carla realized she’d been headed toward the parked vehicles. More fireworks exploded in the sky, and when Carla finally did locate her, her heart sank. Janice had made it to her car and Carla watched helplessly as she sped out of the driveway, kicking up gravel. Carla stared after her until her taillights were swallowed up in the dark.
And then, one final thing Janice had said floated through her mind.
Carla is no longer interested in love and relationships.
Carla knew then that she had to follow her. Knew for certain that she had to talk to her.
About everything. All of it.
She knew what doing so meant and knew what all that would entail.
She didn’t, however, know what the outcome would be.
Nevertheless, it had to be done.
Janice was hurting, not just in jealousy, but in her hiding.
Carla couldn’t let that continue, especially knowing it had everything to do with her.
Her own fears, which she had to admit, she’d been deferring to as well, needed to be put to rest once and for all.
She looked up at the sky as another huge rocket burst into a ball of red sparkles. The beauty of it was lost on her, though.
Because all she could think about was how she hoped that wouldn’t soon be her heart.