A cool, light breeze woke me up. The smell of salt raced up my nose. My fingertips buried themselves in, what felt like, soft sand. I was in heaven, I was sure of it.
If I could have mustered the courage to move, I would have covered my eyes and peeped through my fingers to glimpse at my eternal home. But, I wasn't that brave. So I just laid there, waiting for something to happen.
The sounds were heavenly though. Crickets chirped, I heard waves. Then, I built up my courage and blinked. I saw stars twinkling like dancing diamonds in the sky. I blinked again, but this time, I shifted my eyes from left to right to get more of heaven's view. I saw the glow of the moon, and the glitter of the light bouncing off the water.
With the speed of a sloth, I opened my eyes wider.
Nurse ReAnn glided toward me, her feet barely touching the water beneath her. She looked radiant in her yellow celestial gown. The light of the moon emanated from her as she came toward me, smiling as her wings spread wide behind her. When she got close enough, she touched my hand. “Hi, Ms. Lachelle.”
At first, I didn’t say anything. Can dead people talk?
“Ms. Lachelle, you’re not dead.” She read my mind. “You are in a suspended state, between life and death. God knew that now was the time because you trusted me on earth. He knew you’d trust me here with our task.”
“I’m not dead?” I asked.
“No, but this state cannot last long or you will die. I am your angel and I will facilitate our task. God has watched your faithfulness over the last few months. He wanted to reward you.”
“Reward me? Why? I haven't been faithful, there were days when I wanted to give up. There were days when I was mad at Him.”
“But you didn’t give up, you prayed, you kept the faith; now God wants to reward you.” Nurse ReAnn raised her arm and for the first time, I moved. I turned my head in the direction she pointed and saw a bright light leading to the moon. Then I saw his face, painted on the moon. My man, my love, my dead husband, Brian.
“My Chelle.” I heard Brian’s velvety tenor voice call me in that way that I thought I’d never hear again. God allowed me to hear his voice again; see his face again. If I was dreaming, I hoped I’d never wake up.
“I know you have been hurting, missing me. I’ve seen your tears and cries. But, through it all, you kept the faith, all for our baby.”
“Brian.” I was finally able to breathe his name. But I didn't want to do too much else. I didn't want to miss a moment with my love.
“Chelle, I need you to fight. I didn’t have a chance to fight for my life. I want you to fight. Fight to kiss our baby girl. I want you to tell her how much her daddy will always love her." He paused. "I will love her to the moon and back.”
He knew it was a girl. Until this moment only Dr. Price, Ms.
Lori, Tracy, Vanessa, and John knew the gender of our baby.
“But Brian, you aren't here. I know I should be happy, but there are some days when...”
“You are lonely.” He said what I couldn’t bring myself to tell him. Brian continued, “God is faithful. He gives you what you need when you need it.”
Was he talking about John?
“And remember, He began this good work in you and He will continue His work until it is finished.” He paused as if he wanted that scripture to settle inside of me. “Will you fight for your life so that our daughter has one parent in the flesh?”
It was hard to fight. That took energy and Brian had been my energizer. His smile gave me life. “I’m torn between wanting to be with you and wanting to be there with our baby.”
"That shouldn't be a conflict or a contest at all. You have to choose life -- your life and our baby's life."
I knew Brian's words were the truth, but I had to tell him my truth as well. "I want to be happy, darling, I really do. And there were days when I almost was, but I didn't want to betray you.”
“Love is never a betrayal. I’ve felt your pain, I've seen your tears. But, for the sake of our daughter, you have to let go of the hurt and pain, knowing that a part of me is still there with you and will always be with you. I want you to be happy, and you just have to remember that God always has a plan.”
As soon as Brian said those words, our eyes locked and together, we recited, “For I know the plans that I have for you, plans for good and not for disaster,” like we had so many times before. There were tears in my eyes as he continued. “My Chelle, our baby girl has a future. You have a future, don’t ever forget that. Please accept the future that God has promised.”
His voice sounded farther away, but I could still hear him. “Have faith, keep the faith; faith alone will get you through this. Only. By. Faith.”
I was getting ready to ask him how I could do that when his face began to fade. "No, Brian!" I called to him. I wasn't ready to let him go again.
“Ms. Lachelle." I heard Nurse ReAnn calling my name, but I didn't want to hear anything she had to say. I wanted to stay with Brian. "I must get you back. You cannot stay in this state any longer.”
I blinked back tears as I thought about what my husband had said. If I fought, if I fought to stay alive for our baby and me, a piece of Brian would always be with me because of this time that God had graced me with. I couldn’t waste these moments. I had to do what Brian said.
"Come on, Ms. Lachelle." Nurse ReAnn said, taking my hand.
I nodded, and inside I made a vow to Brian. I will fight for my life and the life of our daughter, I promise you. I won’t waste these gifts that God has given me. The gift of seeing you one more time and the gift of our daughter. I will do everything I can to show God that I appreciate this time that He gave us.
As Nurse ReAnn pulled me away, my eyes stayed focused on the moon, even as Brian's face had completely faded away. And as my nurse took me back, I closed my eyes and now, talked to my daughter. “Baby Girl, we’ve got some work to do!”