Ruth hurried to the carriage, her heart pumping. She glanced back to see if Josiah followed. He stood where she’d left him, scratching his forehead.
If she waited in the carriage, he could still find her, but she didn’t want to talk. Right now she was too angry and worried she would say something she’d later regret.
Her gaze landed on a weeping willow behind the carriage. She slipped under its limbs, which hung like swaying vines, wrapping her in its cocoon. Ruth settled herself on the opposite side of the tree trunk, out of sight. She crossed her arms, sliding her hands under them to warm them against her body.
“Ruth?” Josiah opened the carriage door then closed it. “Where is thee?”
She closed her eyes and leaned against the hard bark. At least her bonnet provided some protection and warmth.
“Ruth, please don’t do this. I didn’t mean to embarrass thee. Please—forgive me for everything.”
She clenched her teeth. She could feel the confused tension mounting inside him. He sighed in a deep breath.
“I know thee is listening, so this may be the only chance I get to say this.” Josiah’s voice filled the air, each word gnawing at the defenses of her heart. “If I’d known how thee would react the second time I postponed our marriage, I promise thee, I’d have never done it.” His voice cracked. He cleared this throat. “It wasn’t worth this. Naught is worth losing thee.” The timbre of his tone lowered.
Warm tears stung her eyes and slipped beneath her lids. She dared not sniffle aloud as her throat constricted. Should she believe him? Again?
Oh God, please help me. I don’t know what to do.
“Even if thee never accepts me as thy husband, I pray thee will forgive me,” Josiah continued. “And know that no matter what thee decides, I’ll always love thee, Ruth Payne.”
Footsteps faded. Ruth took a deep breath, now free to weep. How could Josiah love her if he was afraid to wed her? Afraid to commit his entire life to her? The man was a walking contradiction. He’d always been so sure of himself and his goals. How could she be the only thing in his life where he wavered? It didn’t make sense.
“Lord, please show me what to do. I forgive him, but I don’t know if I can trust him again,” she whispered.
Ruth prayed until her heavy eyes closed, and she drifted to sleep. A while later someone called her name.
“Ruth?” It was Elijah’s voice. “Mother and Father are worried.”
“No one has seen her.” Caleb ran up, breathing hard.
“I’m here.” She swallowed, trying to rouse herself. “I fell asleep.”
Elijah and Caleb stumbled through the weeping willow branches, their eyes wide with surprise and concern.
“Why is thee here?” Caleb raised a brown eyebrow and twisted his lips.
“Hiding,” Ruth said, scrambling to her knees.
Elijah strode over and helped her up. “From Josiah, no doubt.” He shook his head as they ducked to leave the cover of the tree. “He apologized to the whole family, including Dolley and James. I believe he even mentioned that thee was angry at him.”
“Embarrassed and angry. Lately I don’t understand him, Elijah.”
“Yes thee does. He believes with all his heart that the Embargo Act will cause another senseless war. If that happens, lives will be lost over a simple disagreement. At least his heart’s in the right place.” Elijah looked down at her as they walked toward the two waiting carriages. “Whatever thee must think of him now, Josiah is still a man of his convictions, and I believe he still loves thee.”
“Would thee keep postponing marriage to a woman thee loves, or would thee be inclined to hasten it?” Ruth’s glance willed him to help her understand the mind of a man.
“I don’t know.” He shrugged. “I do know that I’d want to be in a position to properly take care of her and a family.”
“Josiah has a whole house with plenty of rooms for our children. That’s more than many other couples have starting out,” she said as they walked.
“True, but every room in that house is empty. He wanted to give thee a furnished house. I can understand that, so does Mother and Father.”
“Did it ever occur to anyone that I’d have enjoyed helping him furnish the house? He doesn’t have to make every single piece as a wedding gift. I feel like I’m being left out of everything. Dolley ordered all the furniture in her house.”
“Indeed I did.” Dolley leaned out the carriage window with a bright smile and twinkling brown eyes. “But neither of my husbands had the desire to determine the furnishings of our home. Your young man sounds like a very special gentleman. Come, Ruth.” She slid over and patted the seat. “Join me on the ride home. I’ve been married twice now. Perhaps I can give you some insight.”
Elijah opened the door and helped her inside.
“I’m so glad they found thee. I was beginning to get a little worried. It isn’t like thee to go wondering off,” Naomi said, sitting across from them.
Dolley slipped an arm around Ruth’s shoulders like a mother, comforting her. “I imagine you had a lot to think and pray about.”
“Does thee still pray, Dolley?” Naomi asked with wide, innocent eyes.
“Naomi!” Ruth admonished her sister with a stern look.
“It’s all right.” Dolley gave Ruth’s shoulder one more squeeze and released her. “Yes, prayer will always be important in my life. I prayed a lot about my decision to marry a man outside the Quaker faith, and I believe this is how God wants to use me. Just because I’ve been dismissed by the Quaker church and I no longer keep the plain ways, doesn’t mean I don’t believe.”
Elijah returned. “Now that Caleb is settled in the other carriage, there isn’t enough room for me. May I ride with thee, ladies?”
“Of course,” Naomi patted the seat beside her. “We’ve plenty of room.”
Ruth tucked Dolley’s words away in her heart and pondered them on the way home. Could it be that, like Dolley’s faith, Josiah still loved her even though he’d acted differently than she expected?
Josiah sat by the living room fire, contemplating his choices. After his encounter with Ruth, he’d gone to the house, worked on more furniture, and prayed. Usually prayer made him feel better, but tonight restlessness still stirred in his heart.
His mother glanced at him as she took up her sewing and settled in her favorite rocking chair across from him. “Thee has that same brooding look thy father had before he left.”
Josiah closed his eyes and rubbed his face, dreading the promises she would now expect from him. Their father’s sudden departure brought many burdens and a deep void, but the one thing they could never escape was her fear that one of them would disappear one day as he had. She needed constant reassurance.
“Mother, Josiah has Ruth on his mind and naught else.” Andrew stirred the fire and placed another log. The new bark crackled in the heat. He sat on the couch beside Josiah. “I spoke to Mayor Mendenhall today. He said they might have a place for me on the new town council, but I’d have to limit my involvement in the Federalist Party, so I don’t give the perception of bias.”
“Of course they’re going to say that.” Josiah sat back and gave his elder brother a level stare. “It’s their way of controlling thee. While thee can still vote the way thee wants, their goal is to prevent thee from persuading other men to the Federalist side.”
“And that would have some credit with me, if the campaigns were not over and the votes cast. In a few months, we’ll know the results, and we’ll have to make peace with whatever is done.” Andrew shook his head as if he felt sorrowful. “Thee must learn to let things go, Josiah. What is done is done.”
“Thee knows thy brother, Andrew.” Mother pulled her needle through the fabric she held and tugged until satisfied it was secure. “He has a tenacious will of iron.”
“And it’s the very thing I’m worried might destroy him.” Andrew crossed his booted ankle over his knee. “Josiah has succeeded so much that he doesn’t understand failure. There comes a time when a man must give up and move on.”
An image of Ruth as she ran to escape him came to mind. A gaping hole ached within him. He rubbed his chin. “Thee is no longer talking about politics, but Ruth Payne.”
“Thee has taken to obsessing over her, Josiah. I’m worried. Thee isn’t thyself lately.”
“If this is about the store, I’m sorry I haven’t been there much. I’ll do better. I promise.”
“No.” Andrew leaned forward with his elbows on his knees, linking his fingers in the middle. “This isn’t about the store. It’s about the weight thee has lost. The circles under thy eyes. The other things thee has given up. Brother, thee may be present with us in body, but thy mind and spirit are far from us.”
“I’m not giving up on Ruth.” Josiah stood and paced around the room. “This is all a misunderstanding. I know her. She still loves me. I could tell by the way she looked at me today.”
“She ran from thee!” Andrew’s voice exploded. “Has thee gone daft?”
“Thee doesn’t understand. Thee has never been in love like this before. Without Ruth, I’m naught…” Josiah couldn’t go on. Frustration raced through him until his nerves itched to pound something. Instead, he forced his legs to move across the carpet, his boots clicking against the wood floor at the edge of the room.
“No, but I’ve been in love,” Mother said, her voice calm. She lowered her sewing and stared up at him with a concerned expression. “And I’ve lost the one I dearly loved. It makes one feel like dying inside. The pain is so raw and fierce that I can hardly find the words to describe it. But son, I know what thee is feeling, and I want to remind thee that we are naught without God. Ruth is not thy God. Don’t allow thy love for her to place her where she doesn’t belong.”
His heart constricted with conviction as a pain shot through him. She was right. That’s why he hadn’t felt the peace he’d sought after prayer earlier today.
God, please forgive me.
“When thee feels ready, go to Ruth and find some way to show her what she means to thee. Separate her from thy goals. Right now I suspect she feels like naught more than another goal that thee has set.”
“Mother, thee is encouraging him to keep chasing after Ruth?” Andrew leaned toward her. “He must accept her decision and move on.”
“He needs to know that he’s tried everything before he gives up. He’ll never be content if he doesn’t.” She turned to Josiah. “A woman senses another woman in love, and I’ve seen the way she looks at thee. Don’t give up, son. Now is not the time. Make peace with God, and the rest of thy life will fall in place.”
With hope rekindled in his heart, Josiah kissed her cheek, warmed by the heat of the fire. The room glowed in a way it hadn’t before. “Thank thee. I’ll repent and pray on my way to Ruth’s house.”