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“I’m gonna be moving soon. I found my own place,” he said as if it wasn’t going to break my heart.
It did a lot more than break. I had spent the past few weeks torturing myself over and over again, wondering what I should do. I knew what I wanted, but was I going to be brave enough to finally reach for it? To stick my hand out and allow it to be held by him, the person I wanted most in the world?
I was home late that evening. I’d spent over an hour waiting for Cheryl in the parking lot to pull her aside and tell her it was over. We’d dated early in the summer, but I quickly found that I didn’t feel much for her in the way of romance. She was a good friend with great benefits, but not my person. At long last, not wanting to wait any longer, I texted her only to find out we’d missed each other by mere seconds as we both clocked out for the day. Instead of telling her over the phone, I just drove home. Once inside the door, with my heart pounding and ready to spill my guts, Kit dropped the news.
“I’m going to be moving down to the city,” he continued. “My job transferred me down there and I’ll be starting next Monday. The moving truck and crew should be here on Tuesday to get all my stuff.”
“O-oh...” I stammered, struck dizzy by how fast this was all moving. “That’s... kinda sudden.”
“I know,” Kit sighed, “and I’m sorry. I wanted to tell you sooner, but I didn’t get it all finalized until today.”
He hopped off the bar-stool, sliding it back under the lip of the counter. He glanced at me, then back to the floor quickly. I could see the dark circles under his eyes had grown and an unexplained exhaustion seemed to pull at his features. He didn’t smile much anymore and he always seemed to be lost in his own head. Part of me selfishly hoped it was for the same reason that I’d grown restless.
“I guess I better start packing some stuff up,” he said as he took a few steps across the kitchen.
“Kit, wait,” I blurted.
I took a deep breath to calm my nerves, trying desperately to form the right words in my head and get them all lined up so they made sense.
“Kit... I want you to stay.”
“Ryan, I told you, my job has set m-”
“I want you to stay... with me,” I clarified, dropping my gaze down to the floor.
“What do you mean?”
This was the moment in all the movies where the main character finally gets it right. All I had to do was say those three little words and I’d get the happily-ever-after I wanted so badly.
“I want you to stay with me,” I repeated. “I lo-...”
I faltered for a moment, unable to say it.
“I care about you and it would make me happy to have you here. If that would make you happy as well.”
I glanced up to see those emerald eyes staring back at me, the realization dawning across their glossy surface. He shook his head slightly, making a small choking noise.
“Ryan... you don’t mean that,” he whispered.
“I-I do mean that.” I felt my courage building.
“I can’t stay...”
“That’s fine!” I interjected, waving my arms in front of me. “I’ll sell the house. We can go to the city together. I just want to be with you Kit. It doesn’t matter what people think or say anymore. I want to be with you. I don’t care what the cost is. I don’t care what I lose. As long as I don’t lose... you.”
“Ryan, you’re confused-”
“I’m not fucking confused!” I yelled, suddenly angry by the accusation. “I’ve been struggling with this my whole life! I’ve been drunk and high and stupid my entire life all in some vain attempt to escape this! But not anymore! And you know why that happened? Why I’m okay now?” I paused. “Because you came back! The moment you left me I fell apart and now that you’re back, I’m all back together again! But I don’t need you to keep me together anymore, you gave me the tools to do it myself and now I want to live the life I’ve wanted for so long! I want to go with you!”
The tears were streaming down his face accompanied by the most heartbroken look I’d ever seen in my entire life.
“No,” he sobbed. “You don’t mean that.”
I closed the distance between us, wrapping my arm around his waist. I pulled him in close, ignoring the salty taste of tears on his lips as I kissed him. The world stopped moving as I felt him lean into it, kissing me back with everything he had. I gripped his hip, my fingers digging into the flesh below his shirt. I felt the heat of his body against mine and the electricity that danced between us. Everything felt right for the first time in years. It felt natural and real.
Then he pulled away.
“No,” he whispered, wiping his face with the back of his hand. “I love you with all my heart Ryan, but you can’t go with me.”
I didn’t know what to say. Had he not just kissed me back? Had I made all those feelings up? Didn’t he just say he loved me?
“But... why?” I whispered, my smile and exhilaration fading away.
“My answer... is no.”
He walked across the hall to his room, shutting the door gently behind him with a light click of the latch. I was left standing in the kitchen we’d had so many meals together in, wondering what I’d done to ruin the only good thing I’d ever had.