JO DUMPED THE BAG ON the top of the staircase and stood pursing her lips.
`What’s wrong?’ Will asked, coming up the stairs behind her.
She turned to face him, wondering how best to address the question of where exactly she was going to sleep.
`Ah, I see,’ he said, grinning.
He put the bags down and grabbed her by the waist, pulling her towards him.
`Well, we have two ways of dealing with this. Either you stay in one of the spare rooms, in which case you’ll drive me mad, or you can stay in my room, in which case you’re likely to drive both of us mad. I guess the gentlemanly thing to do is offer you the spare room.’
She smiled.
He bent to kiss her neck.
`On the other hand I can’t guarantee I’ll be able to leave you alone in the spare room, anyway. So you may as well join me in mine.’
`Will …’
He sighed, stepped back, suddenly serious.
`Honestly Jo. It’s up to you. I’m not going to do anything you’re not comfortable with.’
`I’ll go to one of the spare rooms.’
He shrugged. `Fine by me.’
He went into the room across from the bathroom and set her bags on the bed. She followed him in, wandered over to the window and peered out.
`Oh cool. I can see the sea from here.’
He smiled, reached out to ruffle her hair.
`Right, well I guess next question is what the hell are we going to have for dinner?’
`I can cook something if you like. My arm’s a lot better; I’ve decided to get rid of the sling. It’ll probably help to give it a bit of exercise.’
`Are you sure?’
`Yes. I can do most things with my right hand anyway.’
`Okay, great. What do you need? I can go down and get some groceries while you settle in. Grant and Shelley are in the cottage up the road so you won’t be alone.’
`Who are they?’
`Grant manages the farm, Shelley’s his partner. I’ll introduce you tomorrow. Groceries?’
`Oh. Yes. Um, well what do you want?’
`Can you do something chickeny?’
She laughed. `Chickeny.’
Shaking her head, she left the room, started downstairs, `Well, let’s see what you’ve got.’
She opened the fridge, rolled her eyes at the contents - a single loaf of bread and a six-pack of beer.
`I’m surprised you survive.’
He had the grace to look sheepish. `I can cook if I need to. Sort of. I just don’t need to so I don’t bother.’
She sighed. `Go get a pen.’
He jotted down the list of ingredients she dictated, treated her to a searing kiss goodbye and left for the shops.
She stood in the kitchen, looked out at the yard where Jess and Nemo were curled up at the edge of a maize field and smiled to herself, suddenly happy. She’d succeeded in pushing thoughts of Jack into the background. For now, at least.
Will had been gone about fifteen minutes when she heard the dogs start barking. It wasn’t the sort of bark she’d heard from them before, when they were playing with each other or chasing rabbits.
No, this was a series of short, rapid snarls, interspersed with low growls.
Her heart in her mouth, she edged towards the bedroom window, peered out cautiously but the yard seemed empty.
Then she heard the muffled curse and the sound of running footsteps.
A sudden clamminess of her palms combined with the rapid pounding of her heart forced her to hunch down next to the window, out of sight of anyone down below. She started rocking again, the only way she knew how to avoid the oncoming panic attack.
She was still sitting there when Will returned.
`Jesus. Jo?’
She stared up at him, her eyes wide with fright, her skin pale. It was starting again. She knew it. There was nowhere she could run to now. Even here, even with Will.
`Jo, get up.’
He reached under her arms, pulled her to her feet and she flinched at the sudden pain in her shoulder.
`What happened?’
`Someone was here.’
He frowned.
`Where?’
`Outside. I heard him. The dogs started growling. Will, I can’t escape. There’s nowhere to go. He’s going to find me and he’s going to finish this. I know it.’
`I can’t believe you’re letting him do this to you.’
The words were like a slap against her cheek and she stepped back, shocked at his cutting tone, hurt.
`You’re crawling on the floor like a damn baby while he may or may not be outside. You know you’re stronger than this. Why are you letting him do this to you?’
Anger forced the shock away and she pushed past him, grabbed a suitcase and started throwing clothes into it.
`You asshole. I can’t believe you.’
He grabbed her elbow and she wrenched it away.
`How can you say that to me? Knowing what I’ve told you.’
`Jo stand still and listen to me for a minute,’ he said, grabbing her by the shoulders in a tight grip, effectively leaving her no choice but to stand there, glaring up at him.
`What happened was awful. You shouldn’t have had to go through it. But you did. You can’t change that. Crying in the corner isn’t going to make it go away, nor is it going to stop him trying again. Stop being a damn victim and start fighting back.’
She laughed at that, the sound high, almost hysterical.
`Start fighting back! What a joke.’
Shaking her head, she jerked away and went back over to the suitcase, stopped, couldn’t even see what she was looking at through the thick cloud of tears.
She turned back, stepped towards him, stabbed a finger at his chest.
`Until you, Mr God Almighty, have lived through someone taking every damn sense of dignity you have away don’t you dare speak to me about fighting back. You think I sat there and took it? You think I didn’t fight?’
She took a deep breath as she heard her voice break, couldn’t help but step back as he leaned forward, his eyes blazing, his voice dripping with ice-cold anger.
`Just hang on a minute. You have no damn idea what I have or haven’t lived through. You’re not the only one who got a raw fucking deal princess.’
She didn’t register his words, only saw the anger, and that just made things worse. He had the audacity to make out she was the one in the wrong?
She closed her eyes. `I can’t believe this.’
When she spoke again she could hear the sound of her voice echoing in her head, cold, far away.
`Try imagining what it feels like when someone’s inside you. Inside you and you’re not strong enough to push him away. Do you have any idea what that does to you? You can never get clean. You can never get away from being violated. And you can’t stop him. You can’t do a fucking thing because he weighs a damn sight more than you, you just have to lie there, feel his damn sweaty body heaving away on top of you while you shut your mind off, try not to notice the pain, hoping to God he isn’t going to kill you when he’s finished.’
She grimaced, shook her head, couldn’t even look at him.
`To this day I still feel exposed. I can’t heal that. Ever. He ripped a damn hole in me that I can’t fix. Do you know what the hell that feels like?’
She stared at him then, her breathing ragged, barely registered the shocked expression on his face.
Not able to take anymore, choked by the ghostly tendrils of memories, she turned and ran out the room, taking the stairs two at a time, skidding and almost falling down in her haste to escape.
She heard him coming after her and grabbed desperately at the door handle, her hands slippery from nerves, the door sticking shut.
He stopped at the bottom step.
`Jo.’
She tugged harder at the door, willing it to open. When it didn’t, she fell in a crumpled heap, her body doubled over, her head resting on the floor.
For the first time in a long while she wished to God she could simply die, fade away and find some peace.
When he spoke, his voice was low, calmer. Almost anguished.
`I’m sorry.’
He crouched down in front of her, obviously uncertain what to do next.
A part of her even found it funny.
But she couldn’t summon up the energy to move.
Finally, he sat down beside her, cross-legged, started smoothing her hair down her back, not saying anything.
After a long while she shifted slightly and he leaned across, pulled her into his lap. She curled against him, not willing to meet his gaze or talk but thankful for the comfort of his body.
`I shouldn’t have said those things. I was angry about something else and I took it out on you. I’m sorry, truly sorry,’ he said.
She nodded against his chest, not sure what to say in reply.
`Why don’t you come sit in the kitchen and I’ll get you some tea. I’ll even make dinner.’
The idea made her smile faintly.
`Okay,’ she said eventually and he lifted her gently off his lap, stood up and held out a hand to help her to her feet
After dinner he asked her if she wanted to come to his room to watch TV but she shook her head.
`No. I’ve got a bit of a headache. I think I’m going to go to bed.’
He nodded, watched her leave the room and heard her shut the door to the bedroom.
He sighed, leaned his hands on the kitchen bench and cursed himself for being a first class idiot. It had just been such a shock to see her sitting there, huddled in the corner. He hadn’t known what to do. It was different from the time on the yacht. That had been fear. The expression on her face this time had been much, much worse.
Pure terror.
And then when she had said that someone had been there he’d felt a sudden rush of anger, had turned it on her. It was a damn rotten thing to do.
That bastard had been here. He must’ve been. Who else would Jess and Nemo bark at? He never invited people back here, only friends and family and the dogs knew them well.
God, he’d left her alone. Put her in danger then taken his anger at himself out on her.
There was no excuse.
He sighed, pushed himself up and went outside, stood looking out at the farm. All was quiet now, peaceful. The dogs were curled up in their kennels, the moon was full and glinted off the sea in ribbons of grey light.
He looked up at the stars, tried to draw some comfort from their presence but only ended up feeling insignificant.
He of all people knew what it was like to suffer; he understood the pure grief he’d seen in her, the anger, the torment, the anguish. And what did he do?
Cursing, he headed back inside, whistling for the dogs. He settled them down for the night then went to bed. It was a long time before he finally slept.