JO WOKE TO FIND WILL sitting on the edge of the bed, his head in his hands.
`Will?’
She sat up, saw his back stiffen but he wouldn’t turn to face her and she hesitated, then crawled onto her knees, wrapped the sheet around her and shifted to sit behind him. He flinched as she laid a hand on his back and she frowned but left it there.
`Will? What’s wrong?’
`I’m sorry Jo,’ he said after a long pause, still refusing to face her, his voice low and choked.
`Will? Look at me, what are you sorry for?’
He refused to meet her gaze and she pulled at his shoulder. Eventually he turned and her heart went out to him as she saw the hollow look in his eyes.
`Will?’
He shook his head, dropped his gaze to her shoulder, reached out a finger and she looked down, saw him tracing the slight blue of a bruise. One of many she knew she’d have after what had happened the night before.
`God I’m sorry,’ he said, anguished.
She bit her lip, wondered how to deal with this. Finally deciding to simply face it, she grabbed his hand, squeezed it.
`Look at me Will.’
He did, his jaw clenched, and she smiled, lifted a hand and ran it down his cheek, the smile turning to a frown as he flinched.
`Will I’m fine. Honestly.’
`But I hurt you. I didn’t mean to Jo, I don’t know what happened.’ He looked away again, rubbed at his temple.
She sighed. `Will, listen to me. You were only slightly rougher than usual, not brutal. I know the difference, trust me. I’m fine.’
He didn’t reply and she circled him with her arms, laying her head on his back, hugging him tight to her, not talking.
After a long moment, he turned, pulled her into his lap and held her gently against him, stroking her hair.
`I won’t hurt you again Jo,’ he said after a minute and she hugged him tighter.
He’d scared her a bit but it hadn’t been terrifying, she’d known he was hurt and anguished and desperate for comfort. And besides, he’d just saved her life. How could he think she’d be worried about a couple of bruises? She was also somehow certain that if she’d wanted to, she could still have stopped him. Jack had never given her that choice.
He was wracked by guilt. She could tell by the way he was overly attentive, almost too considerate, and after a full day of him walking on egg shells around her she’d had enough, pushed him down into a kitchen chair and stood in front of him.
`Look at me Will.’
He did, his eyes still wary and she sighed, prayed for patience as she glared down at him.
`You’ve apologized. It won’t happen again. I’m not broken and I said I forgive you. There isn’t anything more you can do about it. You told me once to stop sitting in the corner crying like a baby. Well I’m telling you the same thing now, stop putting this damn barrier up. I want you to think about me but not because of some warped sense of guilt.’
She saw the flash of anger in his eyes, knew he was annoyed at her seeming ingratitude for the way he’d been looking after her all day but really, it had simply been too much. People did worse to each other in the name of experimentation.
`Fine,’ he said, his jaw clenched.
She stared at him for a second longer, then nodded. `Okay. Now, what do you want for dinner?’
`I’m not a goddamn baby.’
She sighed. `I never said you were.’
They glared at each other for a full minute, the air between them buzzing with tension, choked with unborn words of grief, pain, anger. Then he grinned and she smiled back and suddenly they were both laughing and he pulled her closer, rested his head against her stomach, holding her tight while she smoothed his hair, ran her hands over his shoulders and down his back.
`I love you Jo,’ he said suddenly and she paused, shocked, couldn’t move.
He leaned his head back, looked up at her, his eyes serious. `I do.’
She stared down at him, trapped by his gaze. `Will … ‘
`I know you don’t want to hear it,’ he said, looking back down. `It’s just … yesterday, when I thought I’d lost you … God.’
She bent down, pressed her lips to his forehead and swallowed hard, could feel her heart drumming madly in her chest, her palms clammy. She needed a minute to think, to try to understand what was happening here. They’d only known each other a few weeks but still …
Finally she heard herself speak.
`I – I love you too,’ she said against his hair. She expected him to be tense maybe, wary perhaps. She didn’t expect him to laugh. But that’s what he did and she stepped back, frowned. `And why the hell is that so funny?’ she asked, simultaneously hurt and annoyed.
`Oh God, I’m sorry Jo. Come here,’ he said, reaching out and pulling her back to him, trying to stifle the laughter. `I’ve told you before everything you’re feeling shows on your face. I’ve been wondering how long it would take you to get the courage to say it.’
Her frown deepened; she wasn’t sure she liked the way this was going.
`So now you’re laughing at me?’ she said, stepping back again and folding her arms, glaring down at him.
He shook his head, his eyes serious again. `No. I’m only laughing at the situation, not at you. God, with what we’ve been through the last few days … ‘
He shook his head. `I’ve felt this way for a long time Jo. I … well I had to say it today after … after last night. If you can still be here and say you love me when you’ve been through so much and I … and I did that … ‘
He rubbed at his temple. `I’m goddamn lucky to even have you standing there listening to me.’
She smiled slightly. `Okay, a bit more of that then maybe I’ll forgive you.’
`Come here,’ he said, reaching out for her again and she went over to him, let him pull her into his lap and start unbuttoning her top.
He was almost finished when there was a knock on the door.
He groaned. `Ignore it.’
`Okay,’ she leaned in and kissed him, he slipped the top off her shoulders and she felt her heart skip a beat.
`William Fletcher, I can see your car in the driveway now come open the door.’
Will drew in a deep breath and Jo bit back on a giggle, didn’t quite succeed. `It’s your mother. You better go. She’s not going to give up.’
`Why me?’ he asked, leaning his head against her chest and groaning again.
She laughed, pushed him away and stood up, started buttoning her top.
`William!’
`You better go William,’ Jo said, doubling over with laughter as he shot her a dirty look.
`Call me that again and you’re in deep, deep shit,’ he said, wagging a finger at her from the doorway before he went to answer the front door.
Jo stood still, smiling, her heart doing mad crazy somersaults of joy, disbelief, sheer idiocy.
He loved her.
It was time.
Taking the risk at the cliff had been such a thrill. He hadn’t really expected her to go over, he had other plans for her, but just the idea that she could have fallen – seeing the fear on her face. It was such a rush.
Another part of him spoke up now, asked what was he doing? He’d loved her once. How could he even be thinking this? Maybe he should stop it now. Just go away.
But no. She had to pay. She couldn’t be allowed to get away with it. To accuse him of something like that was such an insult.
She’d wanted it. Of course she’d wanted it.
She’d done it to hurt him, make him feel small. And he simply couldn’t tolerate that. She had to appreciate him, had to see him for what he was. A goddamn genius.
He laughed now, ran a finger along the blade of the knife he’d been using to chop the tomatoes for his salad.
Only a few more days now. Perhaps it was time for the practice run. He’d already picked her out. Originally he had planned for Hempsey to carry out the trial run while he watched, stood aside to get the objective view, see where the plan could go wrong.
He shrugged. So there was no Hempsey. Who cared? The guy had been a loser anyway. He was better off dead.
His mind filled with images of the woman he’d seen the day before.
Did she realize now that this would be her last day alive? Did the thought cross her mind as she finished up at work, started the long lonely walk up the road to her little house on the hill?
Would she beg for mercy? Try to be brave and fight? Would he be gentle? Make it easier for her?
He didn’t know. He’d never done this before.
But he looked forward to finding out.
`William what is going on? Your sister is refusing to answer the phone and she wasn’t there when I called round and now you are trying to hide away too. Tell me what-‘
Audrey broke off as she walked into the kitchen, saw Jo. Or, more specifically, Jo with a now very obvious purple-blue bruise around her eye.
`What happened to you, dear?’ Audrey asked in a very careful tone.
Jo grimaced. `You mean Will hasn’t told you?’
Audrey raised an eyebrow and turned to Will, eyes narrowed. `No. He hasn’t. Nor has he bothered to explain why there is a patrol car at the bottom of the driveway or why half his maize field is now nothing more than black soot.’
Will groaned. `I forgot, we’ve been busy if you remember,’ he said, glaring at Jo.
`Well we have all the time in the world now,’ Audrey said in a firm don’t-even-think-of-arguing-with-me tone, crossing her arms and staring at Will.
`I’ll make some tea,’ Jo said, eager to escape, and Will shook his head at her, sighed, pulled out a chair for Audrey and sat down at the table.
`Okay, sit down and I’ll start at the beginning,’ he said.
Audrey sat listening, quiet, not interrupting. She did send Jo a couple of assessing looks, though. A fact that made Jo very happy to be occupied making tea. She even went so far as to make it the old-fashioned way, with a teapot, just to make the task last longer.
`So there you have it. Now we sit and wait,’ Will said when he had finished, leaned back in his chair.
Jo took the cups of tea over, studiously avoided meeting either Will’s or Audrey’s gaze and sat down, wished she didn’t have to be the center of all this drama. She could only imagine what Audrey was thinking about the trouble she was causing for Will.
`Look at me, dear,’ Audrey said after a moment and Jo sighed, looked up. To her surprise Audrey smiled, reached out and patted her hand. `You’re being very brave about all this. Staying here when you could have kept on running. It shows you’ve got some backbone.’
`Um, thanks,’ Jo mumbled, glanced across at Will, nervously twisted the ring he’d given her the day before. `I don’t think I’d have quite as much courage alone though,’ she added ruefully.
`Well, you’re not alone,’ Audrey replied, smiling, and Jo looked back at her, saw her looking at the ring and hurriedly hid her hands under the table.
`I thought you knew all this though. Didn’t Will explain why we left the dance early?’ Jo asked.
Audrey sighed. `Will doesn’t volunteer any information you don’t drag out of him, dear. I’m sure you’ll find that out sooner or later,’ she said.
There was an edge to her tone that made Jo slightly uneasy, particularly when she saw the look that passed between Will and Audrey and the way Will shifted uncomfortably in his chair.
`You have to wait for the right time,’ he said, almost defensively.
`Sometimes waiting too long causes even more trouble,’ Audrey replied before turning back to Jo.
`Anyway, I don’t suppose any of you know where Julia is? What’s going on with her? It’s very out of character for her to ignore me for this long.’
`Maybe she simply wants some privacy,’ Will replied, an edge to his voice now too.
Jo frowned at the sudden tension, decided she should leave them to talk in private.
`I’m just going upstairs for a bit, I’ll be back in a few minutes,’ she said, standing up, not surprised when neither of them argued with her.
She went into the bathroom, stood looking at herself in the mirror. There was a flush to her cheeks that clashed awfully with her freckles, not to mention the horrible bruise around her eye, and she grimaced. Felt rather like a clown in a circus ring, a particularly apt image she thought as she grabbed a brush and dragged it through the unruly mass of her hair, her strokes fast, angry.
She knew there was something going on, something Will was keeping back from her and it pissed her off no end that he wouldn’t tell her. And Audrey had made it sound serious.
Okay, so he loved her. But did he really? How could he love her if he was keeping secrets from her?
She set the brush down, stared at her reflection again.
So this was her at thirty. Was this how she had seen her life turning out? Back when she was still young and idealistic, a believer in the impossible. Before darkness and violence had weighed her down, before reality had ripped the last few veils of illusion from her eyes. Was she happy with where she was? What she had become?
She stood for a long time, lost in introspection, trying to filter feelings of anxiety, fear, depression through the larger more complex sieve of love, compassion, a newfound trust in life and possibility.
At last she sighed, stepped back, looked down at the ring. Whatever happened, whatever lay in the future, she could never regret this. Never regret what had grown between her and Will.
He had saved her, both literally and figuratively, from what could have been a very cold, lonely period of her life.
And for that she owed him at least the time to find the words to express whatever it was he was keeping from her. So she resolved to leave things be. For now.
Taking a deep breath, she went back downstairs, caught a few words of the conversation from the kitchen, was glad to hear them talking about Julia and Shaun and not herself and Jack.