TRIXIE'S DIARY - January 21, 1991

 

 

I feel so disgusted with myself every time I look down between my legs and see what was never meant to be there. After all this time, you’d think I’d just get used to it or at least tolerate tucking it away with itchy, scratchy duct tape.

No way. Not even close.

I want it off of me so fucking badly it makes my whole body hurt. Sometimes I even feel like I’m going to puke when I see it. I have these insane fantasies where I just tie a tourniquet around those boy parts, set them on a cutting board and let a nice sharp cleaver do what it was born to do. I’m not stupid. I know that would probably kill me or leave me deformed. Sexless at the very least. Not the results I’m looking for. A more appropriate fantasy might be wishing my penis were made of Play-Doh so I could mold it into its proper form. I’d probably even manage to screw that up, though. I’ve never been good with my hands. I could barely put together a mud pie when I was a little kid.

You know what’s really been ticking me off, Miss Diary? Those people, those things that have been all over the news for a while now. I can’t even change the channel today without seeing them because some creepy scientist guy died. Everyone’s calling them the Withered Willies or something stupid like that. I dunno. Well, what upsets me so much about them is the fact they were able to take control of their bodies. Why do they deserve that privilege and not me? A few simple pills and they’ve been able to transform into what they apparently felt they were always supposed to be. If you ask me, I think what they’ve become is totally unnatural, but I guess I’m the last one who should be talking. A lot of people probably think the same thing about me. Jealousy’s a real bitch. But we all evolve in some way, right? Isn’t that how life is supposed to work? When’s my fairy godmother coming to give me my glass slippers?

It’s just so unfair.

I feel like I’m so close to being who I should be, but the penis always gets in my way. How’s that for double meaning? Yeah, there’s the obvious choice of professional surgery, not the underground kind where you end up in the hospital and die later from complications. How the hell would I ever be able to afford something legit? Makes the illegal approach much more attractive. No matter how much I save up, my transformation just seems so far out of reach.

I don’t know what to do. I wish someone would help me through this, but I wouldn’t even know where to start looking.