And Now a Word from Our Sponsor: Witherix
(See full-size TV storyboard at SecretsOfTheWeird.com)
SCENE ONE: A young couple frolics awkwardly through a park in Anytown, USA. They are slightly overweight, though far from grotesquely obese. They are stupidly in love.
VOICEOVER: “Having misgivings about your questionable weight and size? Feeling disappointed with your shape? Wishing you had a hard body that all your peers would envy? Our researchers have the perfect solution.”
♫♪♬ Witherix ♫♪♬
SCENE TWO: The couple sits down to a picnic fit for a king’s army. They contemplate eating every last bit of greasy goods, a devil on one shoulder, angel on the other. Instead, they shove away the fattening foods and take a few bites of a side salad and wash it down with a wheatgrass smoothie.
VOICEOVER: “A revolutionary new diet pill, developed by world-famous surgeon and dietitian, Dr. Dorian Wylde. Two pills daily, taken with one gram filtered water and a quarter ounce of flaxseed bread. You’ll never have to exercise again.”
♫♪♬ Witherix ♫♪♬
SCENE THREE: A light flashes—both the young man and woman are magically thinner. Tears press through their eyes. They beam and embrace.
VOICEOVER: “Enlightenment has been achieved. Clear your mind of life’s troubles when your body is slender and perfect. No more counting calories. Just counting the jaws that drop and the heads that turn to look at you.”
♫♪♬ Witherix ♫♪♬
♩♭ The path to a godly body ♩♭
SCENE FOUR: The couple points directly at the camera and offer Osmond smiles.
VOICEOVER: *Witherix can be found in any drugstore near you. May cause a variety of side effects, including bulimia, diarrhea, constipation, dark urine or stool, clinical dementia, hallucinations, dysphoria, hypnotic regression, unnatural hair growth, decreased libido, painful erections, increased menstruation, obsessive anorexia, irregular heartbeat, hives, abnormal dreams, dry lingual paste, severe rectal rash, cinnamon/vanilla scent emission, unusual bruising, infertility, yellowing of the eyes or skin, morphemic vertigo.