THEY MADE GOOD TIME, driving to Carey Cove and back to Falmouth to pick up Hope from St Isolde’s, but to Nya it felt like an eternity, especially since the trip was a mostly silent one.
It was as though the knowledge they were giving Hope up had stripped Theo and her of all the intimacy they’d shared, and there was nothing at all left to say.
Nya felt heartsick, knowing she was losing his friendship as well. Surely it couldn’t survive this latest blow.
Bad enough that she’d slept with him, but once they’d handed Hope over to Social Services and her mother, there was nothing left to bind them.
And she wouldn’t try to use her love for him as a way to hold onto him. That wasn’t her way. Far better to keep that to herself, rather than reveal it and make him uncomfortable.
‘Why does everything have to be serious?’
Mum’s question came back to her as they made the drive back to Falmouth after collecting Hope’s clothes, toys, books, and other possessions.
She didn’t have an answer.
For as long as she could remember, that was just how she was. The important things in life deserved to be given due consideration. Family, friends, her job. These were the things that meant the most to her, and she took them to heart.
If she didn’t love Theo, then maybe she could suggest they sleep together until he left, but the reality was that if she didn’t care about him, she wouldn’t have slept with him at all. Even knowing he was going to desert her and Carey Cove hadn’t been enough to stop her wanting him, although she wasn’t one to court heartbreak.
In fact, up until this last week, she’d have classified herself as completely risk averse.
Hadn’t life beaten up on her enough?
The thought made her snort.
Apparently not.
‘Everything okay?’
Theo’s question brought her out of her reverie.
‘Yes.’ Then, knowing she was being particularly terse, she added, ‘Just a little sad at having to give up Hope so soon. I’d thought she’d be with us at least through Christmas.’
Theo’s grunt was unintelligible, but she imagined he felt the way she did: that Christmas had completely lost its lustre.
Then she remembered that Theo’s children weren’t coming home for Christmas either, and sadness for him almost made her ask him to still spend the holiday with her and Mum. She quickly squelched that idea.
She wasn’t strong enough to deal with that with any kind of equanimity.
The one bright spot in the day was seeing the vast improvement in Hope. Although she was still a bit congested, the infant’s skin was once again pink, and her eyes were bright, rather than glazed with fever. Nya hugged her close, savouring these last moments of contact, trying not to think about them that way, but cognisant of the parting fast approaching.
Glancing up, she caught Theo looking at them, and her heart clenched. She recognised that stern distant persona. The one she’d seen fall away over the past days.
Unable to stand seeing him that way, she walked over to where he was standing with Dr Porter and held Hope out to him.
Theo hesitated, and she thought he was going to refuse to take the infant, but Hope proved irresistible.
‘Come here, my sweetheart,’ he said, in that voice that never failed to melt Nya’s heart. And he carried her all the way down to the car, settling her into her seat, murmuring and crooning to her the entire way.
Then they were on their way to Truro.
‘I wonder what they’d do,’ Theo mused, ‘if we took off for the Scottish border, like a pair of brigands stealing the princess away?’
Nya shook her head, too heavy-hearted to even laugh.
‘I’m not sure, but I don’t think I’m cut out for life on the lam.’
‘I thought you might say something like that,’ was all he said in reply, before lapsing into silence once again for the rest of the drive.
Caroline Harker from Social Services was waiting for them at the hospital in Truro, and took them into a conference room when they arrived.
‘Willow Carter is only sixteen,’ she told them. ‘When she discovered she was pregnant, she ran away from home, afraid of what her parents would say. The father was apparently a young sailor she’d met one night, and he was long gone by the time she realised about the baby. She had no prenatal medical care, and gave birth in a squat her cousin was living in. One of her friends told her about Carey House, and how kind everyone had been when her own mother gave birth there, so they got someone to drive them and left the baby there.’
‘Poor little soul,’ Nya said. ‘What will happen now?’
‘She’s very confused, and frightened. We’ve offered her counselling and will make sure she and her baby are taken care of while she decides what she wants to do. If she ultimately decides she wants to put Hope into care, we’ll make sure she gets placed in a good home.’
Nya wanted to ask how they planned to make sure that was the case, but bit the words back.
It was time to start disengaging, even though doing so was so painful she felt ill.
‘I told Willow about you both, and she’s asking to meet you.’
Nya looked at Theo, and they exchanged a long glance. She saw the same hesitance she felt mirrored in his eyes, but it seemed the right thing to agree.
‘I’m willing,’ she said, and saw Theo nod too.
Handing Hope over to the paediatric nurse tasked with taking her to the nursery felt like taking a knife to the stomach, but Nya reminded herself this wasn’t the first loss she’d sustained.
And overcome.
Somehow that steadied her enough that she held back the threatening tears, but she had to turn away when Theo was saying goodbye to the infant. Seeing that would have broken her.
Nya wasn’t sure what she was expecting of Hope’s mother, but Willow Carter, sitting propped up in the hospital bed, looked so tiny and lost Nya couldn’t help sympathising. A little slip of a girl, with big blue eyes, her complexion pallid because of her illness, she had the forlorn look of an abandoned fawn.
‘I wanted to thank you,’ she said, her gaze focused on where her fingers twisted in the sheets. ‘Ms Harker told me you’d looked after the baby since I left her at the hospital.’
‘We did,’ Nya told her, reaching out to cover those restless fingers with her hand. ‘She’s beautiful, and so good. We called her Hope.’
Willow looked up at Nya with tears in her eyes.
‘I don’t know how to be a mum. I don’t think I can do it. I don’t want to do the wrong thing. I mean, I didn’t even give her a name, before I gave her up.’
‘Willow, I think you did what you thought best, and you have time to make a decision about both your future, and Hope’s.’ Theo’s voice was soft, reassuring. ‘Take Ms Harker up on her offer of counselling, and then make up your mind.’
Willow’s tears were flowing, and Nya pulled some tissues out of the nearby box, and mopped at the young woman’s cheeks, making soothing sounds.
‘They called my mum, and she said she doesn’t want to know. That if I was old enough to have a baby, I was old enough to make a life for myself.’
Nya clenched her teeth, so as not to say what she felt about a woman who’d desert her own daughter at a time like this.
The thought came to her, and before she thought it over, she said, ‘Willow, if you’d like to come and spend Christmas with me and my mum, you just let Ms Harker know. We’d be happy to have you.’ She gave Willow a smile. ‘I’ll warn you, though, that my mum celebrates Kwanzaa. Do you know what that is?’
‘I do,’ she said, a little spark of enthusiasm lighting her eyes. ‘I read about it once. I thought that was only celebrated in America?’
‘It started there, but it’s spreading around the world. My mother was a professor of African studies, and that’s how she learned about it. Then, the next thing I knew, we were celebrating it too.’
Nya had injected a disgruntled tone into her voice, and was pleased to see a smile tip the edges of Willow’s lips.
‘You’ll like Mrs Ademi’s mother,’ Theo interjected. ‘She wears the most amazing headdresses and jewellery she got from Africa.’
‘She is a character,’ Nya admitted. ‘And when you first meet her, you’ll think she’s stiff and starchy, but once you get to know her, she’s really very nice.’
‘I... I’ll think about it.’ Willow didn’t sound very sure, but at least now she didn’t seem petrified. ‘Thank you.’
‘You take care of yourself and Hope,’ Nya said, when they were leaving. ‘And if you need anything, you tell Ms Harker to let me know, all right?’
‘I will.’ Willow hesitated, then said, ‘Mrs Ademi, could I have a hug?’
‘Of course.’
And, just like that, Nya was once more battling tears.
When they left Willow’s room, as though in complete accord, they both turned towards the nursery, walking in silence to look in through the window.
The breath hitched in Nya’s throat as she took one last look at the baby, who was thankfully sleeping in one of the cots. If she’d been awake and crying, Nya didn’t think she’d be able to leave her.
‘We should go.’
Theo’s voice sounded gravelly, and Nya knew he was battling the same emotions inundating her, so she nodded, and made herself turn away, although leaving felt, oh, so wrong.
How could Nya seem so calm? Theo wondered. So collected, when he wanted to bellow at the top of his lungs, in turns angry and devastated by loss?
Of course, although she clearly loved Hope, she hadn’t been building silly fantasies in her head about making a family with the three of them together, living happily ever after. No, Nya was far too sensible for that, whereas Theo knew himself to be the consummate stupid romantic.
The kind of man who fell in love with a woman, knowing full well she would never be his.
A modern-day Cyrano, although without the overly large nose.
Caroline Harker had already left the hospital, so there was no reason to linger. As they walked through the gaily decorated corridors, Theo tried to ignore all the signs of the season. There was no joyous anticipation any more. He was hollow with grief and loss.
Once more silence filled his car as they set off back to Carey Cove, and he couldn’t think of one single topic of conversation to break it.
What he wanted was to ask Nya to come home with him, to be there, so they could share their pain, and hopefully mitigate it, but he knew she’d refuse. She’d made it clear that last night had been an aberration, not to be repeated, and there was no way he’d open himself up to more agony by courting her rejection.
When they got to Carey Cove, he could see the start of preparations for the Guise Ball on the green. The Christmas tree lights were on, and a few children capered around near it, playing tag. A couple walked hand in hand along the pavement, a little boy on a scooter racing ahead of them, and he realised it was Kiara, Lucas, and Harry.
A perfect little family scene.
Seeing them made his stomach clench painfully with jealousy.
All too soon, they were at Nya’s door, and she was getting out.
As he was reaching for the doorhandle, she said, ‘Don’t bother getting out, Theo. I can manage.’ She opened the back door and took out her bags, then, before she shut the door again, said, ‘Enjoy the rest of your holidays.’
Watching her walk up her front path was so agonising Theo put the car into reverse and backed out of her driveway before she’d even got inside.
Getting home, he sat in his car for a few minutes, knowing he didn’t want to go inside.
For all the lights and baubles, ornaments and the tree, it would be barren, cold and lonely without Nya and Hope.
Once upon a time, this house had been home. Not always a happy one, but still the place he looked forward to going back to.
That feeling was now gone. Instead, it was like a haunted mansion, peopled not with spirits but with the ghosts of happy times and lost loves. Now he understood what Nya had meant when she’d spoken about leaving Andover after Jim died. He didn’t think there would be a day when he didn’t see something here that reminded him of Nya, and of Hope.
It was time to move on. Find home, or at least some kind of peace, whatever that might look like, somewhere else.
Eventually, unable to put it off any more, he got out of the car. Letting himself into the house, he went into the kitchen to turn on the kettle. While waiting for it to boil, he leaned against the cabinet, thinking about Nya.
Wishing, cravenly, that he’d met her first, before she’d known Jim. Before she’d had a chance to give the other man her heart, and then bury it with him.
Because Theo had given her his, and now he had to contemplate what it would be like to move on without it.
Without her.