‘RIGHT,’ MARNIE SAID, pulling off her rubber gloves and laying them over the sink tap. ‘I think we’re done, little madam.’
She looked down at Violet, who was half asleep in her snug baby carrier on Marnie’s chest. They’d had a busy morning and Marnie was excited to get into the festive spirit. She’d slept like a log after going round to see Ash, and Violet had even slept in a little. The wintry weather was the perfect backdrop to her mood. This was the first Christmas she was going to have as a mother, and Violet’s first Christmas ever. She was really excited to get organised and embrace the season. She loved her cottage, especially at Christmas when the whole place looked magical. Oliver had never embraced the season as she always had, so this Christmas was going to be different in many ways. All of them good, in her eyes.
As she passed the dining-room table, her fingers reached out to touch the silk of her mask. This weekend was Carey Cove’s Guise Festival, and her mother had already offered to babysit Violet so that she could have a night off. She couldn’t wait to have a night off. Feel like a woman first for the first time since she’d got pregnant with Violet. She was really looking forward to it and it was a great practice run for Christmas Eve. Sophie and Roman’s engagement party was going to be huge; the whole village was invited, and everyone was full of support for the loved-up pair. Eager to celebrate it together.
She’d been on a cleaning and organising frenzy all morning. The ‘lie-in’ had made her feel like a new woman, and she was taking advantage of the adrenalin burst. Once Violet was down for an afternoon nap, she adjusted the hairclip holding her short blonde hair back off her face and headed downstairs. The sun was fading, the approaching dusk painting the sky with stars that twinkled above her home. She loved the summer and the late sunsets, but in Carey Cove the season never impacted on her mood. Christmas was Christmas. It was always a good place to celebrate it. The people here made it so special.
She headed outside to the workbench she kept at the front of her house. She loved gardening and tending her home. It gave her peace. She gathered together the materials for her Cornish bush decorations. Violet would be happy for a while. Marnie smiled as she looked at her sleeping daughter on the baby monitor she’d brought out. She was such a good baby; she’d slotted right into Marnie’s life.
She felt very blessed as she put the withy in the centre of the bench and got right to work. This was the life she’d envisaged. Last Christmas, when she was making these very decorations, she had been hopped up on hormones and scared to death at the prospect of the IVF not taking. She only earned a nurse’s wage, and IVF on the NHS was not routinely given in her circumstances. For a single woman like her, it had made it a little harder too, given that there was no father involved. It involved more ingredients to bake the pudding, so to speak. It meant a lot to her; she could still remember how she had longed to know the future. She did that sometimes, at a fixed point in her memory. Making the Cornish trees outside her home, wondering what the woman who would stand there a year on would tell her if they could meet. If last year’s her were here now, she’d tell her everything would work out.
‘Everything worked out,’ she repeated aloud.
‘Yeah, looks good from where I’m standing. Very festive.’
Ash was standing at his gate, looking tired but bright-eyed.
‘Thanks. Good day?’ Her work curiosity was piqued.
‘Yeah, great. We had a Noel come into the world, and a Holly-Mae. Sophie thought it was hilarious.’
‘Aww, that’s cute.’
‘Yeah, I think so. You had a good day? Had anybody arrested yet? The postman, perhaps?’
‘No.’ She levelled a steely gaze his way. ‘I like our postman.’
‘Ouch.’ He laughed. She laughed along with him. ‘Well, I need to get in. I’m starving.’
He touched his hand to the gate but looked back. ‘You eaten?’
She was just adjusting a twig when her stomach rumbled. ‘Well, I...no.’ She looked around her at the piles of decorations. ‘I guess I got a bit involved in my project. I don’t do well watching TV. Or relaxing, really.’
‘You like to be busy. I’m the same.’
Marnie watched him wrestle with something. She could feel the tension emanating from him.
Is he nervous?
‘Fancy a takeaway?’
Whatever it was, it’s gone now. Why are you here, Ash?
She wanted to hope for the best for him, that he would just leave, and she would move on. The annoying part was how much he intrigued her. She wanted to reach out and touch him almost, as if touching him again might crack the puzzle.
‘I bet you know of some good places that deliver, neighbour.’
Was that a little flirtation, Ash? I mean what are you doing? This woman almost had you arrested straight out of your sleep. You were late to cover her job too.
But she didn’t seem too mad about that now. He’d had a good reason, but he had felt bad about it. Reliable was something that he disliked being called these days, but it was true. He was usually the best at whatever he turned his passion to.
It had kept him going these past few months. Helped him get up every morning and put one foot in front of the other. He was alone, but he didn’t have just himself to think about. He wasn’t here to romance the woman he was covering for. He was here to do the job and move on to the next one. Check in on those who loved him, visit them when he could. Chase the bad feelings away with a move to the next town. The next set of faces he would forget the instant he got to the next shift. The next place had a new sea of faces to get to know professionally, new ways of working, and quirks, to learn.
As he quickly showered and changed, he thought about his neighbour. She was bristly. Good at her job, he knew that. Her colleagues were singing her praises, but he knew that they spoke so well of her earnestly. They all loved Violet, but Ash got the sense that Marnie was keenly missed. As much as they welcomed him in with open arms. She was quite a person to work out.
‘Idiot,’ he said to himself. He half threw the shampoo bottle onto the rack. He’d washed his stupid hair three times while thinking about Marnie in the shower. He was losing his mind. Maybe that was why he got dressed so fast. He even squirted himself with a little cologne, still in his suitcase from his last place. Where it had stayed in the case. He frowned, realising he was overthinking yet again. Running a comb through his short brown locks, he checked himself over. He looked a little brighter than he’d thought he would. It was the prospect of food. The company wasn’t bad either, of course, but he knew how to lie to himself well enough by now. He was nearly as good at it as he was at lying to everyone he met. It came naturally to him now, which was the thing that worried him the most.
Grabbing his wallet from the dresser, he slammed his front door a little too hard, and composed himself when he realised Marnie was still outside. She was standing there looking at him, a box of decorative bits in her hands.
‘Everything okay?’ she asked him easily.
‘Yep.’ He nodded, as easily as drawing the breath that filled his lungs whenever he looked at her. ‘Everything’s great.’
‘So, like this?’
Ash held up his first attempt at decorating the withy bush, ribbon and decorative pieces all spaced out perfectly on his design. It was actually pretty good.
‘You sure you’ve not done this before?’ she asked as he jumped in the air.
‘Holy—Argh!’
He’d received another scratch on his arm from the sharp leaves they were working with. He’d drawn blood already but brushed it off when he saw her looking. She knew it hurt. The first time she’d made one she’d been cut to ribbons. He flinched again, and she saw his hand pull back. A giggle erupted from her, her breath misting the air around them. It was getting on for time, the sun long gone. She snipped another piece of holly into the shape she wanted, trying to keep a straight face when his head snapped in her direction.
‘Oh, find it funny, do you? This holly is lethal. I stink of apple. I’ll probably get some kind of plant-mutation disease, end up with branches for legs.’
Another titter erupted from her chest before she could stop herself, and he glared at her.
‘I’m serious! This is a decoration? I could use this thing as a weapon.’
‘Oh, really?’ she asked, trying not to let the laughter take over her voice. ‘How?’
‘How what?’
‘How would you use a Cornish bush as a weapon? It’s a cute decoration, a tradition!’
‘So is bullfighting, and you don’t see me doing that either.’ He assessed his creation again, as a blacksmith assessed the steel blade of the sword he had just finished forging. ‘I’m pretty sure if you threw it at someone, or them into it, it would hurt. The holly sprigs alone are lethal.’
Violet was still to get restless. She was lying in her Moses basket, wrapped from the cold and positioned so Marnie could see what was happening on the baby monitor screen. Marnie peeped over at her, taking the opportunity to try to stop laughing at Ash.
‘True,’ she finally said when she could trust herself to hold a steady tone. She clipped the last piece of holly into her efforts. ‘Well, I think I’m done too. Food will be here soon. I’d better feed and change madam here.’
‘Want me to clean up here?’
Marnie’s heart swelled. It was kind of nice to have a bit of help.
‘You sure?’
‘Yeah, but if you hear a woman screaming now and again—’ he pointed to the offcuts of holly waiting to be picked up ‘—just ignore it.’
She was still laughing when she was in the house, changing Violet. She liked this side of Ash. He was caring, intelligent. Kind. Understanding. Given that she had tried to have him arrested and removed from his own home, that was something. Even in the friendly little haven that was Carey Cove. He’d just fitted in, she mused. As if he’d been one of them the whole time.
The fact that she couldn’t forget hit her in the face again. All of this, this ridiculous inner turmoil over him while he was here solely to cover her job while she was on maternity. Thinking about it that way, she actually felt a little judgmental towards him for how nice he was to her. More confusion. She had been pretty prickly. Him being late for her job had added to her guilt about not being there at work, even though she knew her colleagues were not the ones stressing over it. They were all really happy for her, and they’d obviously held the fort down in her absence.
She had to admit, though, she’d thought she’d meet her mat-leave cover in different circumstances. She’d assumed it would be a woman, which had been presumptuous of her, looking back. Was she so sworn off men that she didn’t see them any more? Unless they were a barcode number on a vial of sperm, she hadn’t really cared a jot about men. She reminded herself that, whatever this was or wasn’t with Ash, life wasn’t due another change. She looked herself in the mirror again, Violet in her arms looking cute in her ‘I love Santa’ sleepsuit. One of the women at work had bought it for her.
‘You are adorable, do you know that?’ She dropped a kiss onto her daughter’s smiling face. ‘Come on, time for us to eat.’
Once Violet was changed and dressed ready for bed, Marnie wasted no time in heading back downstairs.
‘It’s nice to have company, isn’t it?’ she murmured into her daughter’s ear. She got the bottle she’d been warming and took it through to the lounge. From the window she could see Ash tidying everything away. As though she’d called him, he turned and looked straight at her. She gasped a little. The jolt definitely didn’t need a touch that time. He looked back, his face blank on first look, but then his expression warmed into a smile. His cheeks were bright pink from the cold December night. It had started to snow a little more, and soft flakes now broke up the black glossy surface of his hair in the darkness surrounding him. Even through the glass, he looked clear to her. Crystal-clear and absolutely gorgeous.
She smiled back, before turning her attention to Violet. Once she was drinking heartily from the bottle, her little hand stroking Marnie’s arm, Marnie relaxed a little. Violet always did that, up and down. As if she loved to be in her arms. Looking at her, she grimaced.
‘Well, that was those hormones I was telling you about.’ She puffed an errant hair back into place, her face a picture of embarrassment. Violet kept drinking, staring back at her with those beautiful blue eyes. Listening, Marnie knew. To her mother, who was still swirling emotionally because of the birth and was now lusting through the window at her neighbour, who was tidying up their—her Christmas decorations, not laying pipe. She blushed again at the thought of that, and then he walked back inside.
She heard him shake his coat off, tap and remove his boots. He came through to the lounge and seemed to pause in the doorway.
‘Please, make yourself at home.’
That was a bit much. You might as well ask him about the pipe laying.
‘I’m just feeding Violet.’
He came in and took a seat next to her on the sofa.
Interesting.
She looked at the armchair, and he followed her gaze.
‘Sorry.’ He went to get up. ‘I’ll sit over there.’
He stopped halfway in his ascent because she’d put her hand on his leg. She yanked it back, wrapping it under Violet as if to keep it safe.
‘No, sorry. Please, sit down. I’m just not used to company.’
He looked conflicted for a second, as if he’d sat there without thinking about it beforehand. She hated that she’d taken that easiness away. Even if she’d had to brace herself to ignore the feel of his leg against hers.
He sat back down but kept a little distance between their bodies. She reached for the takeout menus she’d taken down from the fridge.
‘Thanks.’ He looked at Violet, smiled at them both, and turned his attention swiftly to the menus.
‘So are we sharing, or doing our own thing?’ she asked. She was willing her own empty belly not to give her away. Especially in this proximity. Her stomach, however, had other ideas. She’d had a busy, exhausting day, and she needed nothing more than to stuff her face. She was even willing to risk it in front of Ash. She recognised the fact he was hot, but she was off men, so food won. He might as well be a unicorn really. A nice unicorn, but something she would never have just the same. So food it was. She just wasn’t sure that he was ready to see her rip into her food like a rabid hyena.
‘Well, I don’t know about you—’ A gurgle broke the conversation. Both sets of eyes, well, even Violet’s eyes, widened. ‘Listen, that was my stomach. I didn’t get to finish my lunch today—we had a bit of a rush on.’ His cheeks reddened even more than when they were warmed by the fire close by. ‘I apologise for that in advance, ladies, but I am going to order a lot.’
He waggled his eyebrows at her, making her laugh again. She noticed he seemed happier when she laughed. She was noticing far too many things about Ash Ellerington. Full-naming him again. As if he were some earl from those regency romances she loved to read. Well, she wasn’t an eligible miss. This wasn’t a book either. She pointed to the menus in his hands and jabbed a finger at The Imperial Palace. It was actually a restaurant, but they delivered too. The food was to die for. She never usually indulged. Tonight, though, she had company.
‘Chicken and cashew nuts, prawn crackers, spring rolls, plum sauce, please.’ She started to burp Violet, jerking her when she remembered something else. ‘Prawn toast too!’ She scrunched her nose up as Violet let out a resounding burp the second her hand patted the little one’s tiny back. ‘There you go.’ Noticing that Ash was standing looking at her, open-mouthed, she shrugged. ‘I’m hungry too.’
Wow.
Ash had seen some things when he was dating, before he’d met the woman he’d married. He’d dated nurses mostly, when he was training. Working in close proximity, the unsociable hours. It happened from time to time. He’d been on some horrible, awkward dates. Especially around food. Which made it all the more surprising that he was really enjoying himself. Marnie had relaxed the second Violet had settled, milk drunk, and she could eat. She’d eaten a full plate full of chicken and cashew nuts, and she had a prawn-cracker shard stuck to her trouser leg. Ash kept looking at it, eating his own food as he watched Marnie eat her fill. Now, this wasn’t awkward. He felt comfortable here, with her. Violet got cuter every time he saw her. Which was from afar, of course. He wasn’t one to get attached to babies.
Not any more, a weak little voice inside him said.
He silenced it with a spring roll.
‘Good, eh?’
Marnie was sitting back against the couch cushions now, Violet still in the crook of one of her arms. Lazing, Ash would describe it as. Drunk on milk. His heart squeezed, and he focused back on his plate, and the conversation.
‘It’s the best I’ve had in a while.’
‘Ah, well,’ Marnie breathed. ‘I bet you get to taste a lot of different stuff though, travelling.’
‘I’m hardly backpacking around India. It’s all in the UK.’
‘Still, you get to come to places like this.’
‘True.’
‘You like it here, don’t you? For you temporarily, I mean.’
Ash looked around the cottage, and then stopped himself. It made it look as if he were thinking about her home. Not that he wasn’t. God, he was just stuffed from all the food. Tired too. It had been a busy day. It was late. He kept lying to himself over and over.
‘That bad, eh?’ She jostled his elbow with her free arm, putting the plate down and stretching her arm out.
‘No!’ he said, a little too loudly. ‘No. Of course not. It’s...great here.’
‘Better in summer.’ She smiled, getting a faraway look on her face. ‘I can’t wait to introduce Violet to the ocean.’ She caught his eye. ‘Still, Christmas isn’t bad either.’
The air changed in the room, but Violet didn’t feel it as they did. She started to cry, breaking the eye contact that felt charged between them.
‘She’s tired. I’ll have to try to get her down.’
Ash smiled, not knowing whether to be disappointed or relieved by the intervention. Judging it by the thick slab suddenly lying across his chest seemed unreliable at the moment.
‘She’s got an excellent set of lungs on her.’ He leaned in closer. ‘She looks just like you.’
‘You think?’ Marnie turned to look at him, and her hair brushed his cheek. He half closed his eyes at the contact. ‘I think she does, but I didn’t like to just say it.’
‘She’s just like you.’ He looked back at Violet, who was looking right back at him. It was as if she were sizing him up.
I can’t be your daddy, little one. I’m just passing through.
‘Beautiful.’
She was so close. So very close. His arm tingled with the effort of not bridging the gap between them. Could she feel this, really? She acted as if she wanted to push him away from her for ever and drag her to him and beg him to throw her up against the wall. All at the same time. To push against her with his body, while she claimed his.
Could that really be in her eyes? Was that what this was? Why did this have to happen? How could he attempt to walk away from this intact? Without action, too? God, the world was so cruel it twisted his guts. She felt to him like a light, pulling him to its warmth. Violet snuffled, and her head turned back to her daughter. She moved Violet to the other arm, giving the other one a little shake before turning back to him.
‘Would you like to hold her, before I take her up? I won’t be long. She’s already asleep.’
Ash’s mouth went dry. The room shrank to half its size before his eyes. He felt trapped for a moment.
Too much. I thought these things had stopped.
‘Er... I don’t think I should. You know, I’ve just come from shift.’
He thumbed at his top, belatedly remembering that he’d been home and showered. Marnie knew that too, but she didn’t comment.
‘What am I saying?’ He slapped his palm against his forehead, before gathering some empty dishes with shaky hands. ‘I got changed. Listen, I think I should get some sleep before I forget something else.’
She called after him, telling him it was okay, she would clean up, but her voice on the stairs went unanswered. When she came back down from putting Violet to bed, the living room was clean, and empty. He’d left a note on the counter.
Thanks for a great night, neighbour.
Ash
He closed Marnie’s front door with a slow click. He waited till he was at the bottom of her garden before he paused to take in a big shuddery breath. He’d had to get out of there. He could never have explained himself. Especially not to Marnie. Just before that, he’d been wondering if he should kiss her. Wanting to kiss her. Needing to.
Sam. That was what had sent him running from there as if the whole place were on fire. Sam’s cold little face. Not pink, and full of life like Violet’s. She’d been snug in her mother’s arms. The happiest little baby. Sleeping after a busy day. Not like Sam. He’d never even opened his eyes. Never looked on the world, on a single human face.
When Ash had looked at Violet, he’d seen Sam’s face instead and he’d frozen. The thought of holding Violet, a wriggling baby, in his hands when they’d held tiny Sam for so little time. He’d frozen to the spot, and then run for the damn hills. Left Marnie a vague note that anyone could leave. It didn’t serve as a good ending to such a good night.
He’d been fine around babies before. It was his job, for goodness’ sake. Why this one rattled him was a mystery he didn’t want to poke at too much. He knew Marnie was a mother. One all on her own and happy with the outcome. Violet was perfect, and Marnie was a great mother. All of that was attractive to him, but not exactly what he was looking for. He wasn’t looking for anything. Peace perhaps.
Tonight was a reminder of why he kept moving on. Why he didn’t form attachments any more. Because they caused pain. To others. Marnie’s face when he’d dashed away like some thief in the night. She’d been so close, right there. Lips inches apart. God knew when he’d be that close again, and what he would be able to do and not to do if they ever were in that situation again. Would she slap him for setting his lips on hers, as he wanted to?
He took another shower, for no other reason than he felt dirty for his cowardly exit. By the time he slipped under the sheets, his mood was even worse. He loved Sam, so much. He’d held him for the shortest time, but he would love him for the longest. Till he stopped drawing breath himself. After that too, if he had anything to do with it. He loved his wife too. They were gone, though, and being here alone in a strange new place reminded him that he was still here.
He turned over for the ninth time, his naked form now only half under the covers. He felt strangled in them, confined. He wondered if the woman next door was sound asleep or thinking about his abrupt exit. Or him. As he was her. Squinting at the clock, he rubbed at his eyes, and went to get a tumbler of whiskey to help him on his way to slumberland.