WHAT A WEIRD week this was shaping up to be. Even for Christmas. Even for this Christmas.
‘Overthinking Annie’ was here again. Was this what happened to all new mothers, or just ones who had got a little bit smitten with their neighbour? Well, annoyed at first. Then intrigued. Smitten was right after that, even though the lightning thing had been there the whole time. She had no point of reference for that aspect. She’d never encountered it before.
So here she was, her first big night out, and she was wondering where Ash was. What he was doing. Thinking even. Ugh. It was annoying. So she’d come full circle. Annoyed, intrigued, smitten, confused, and back to annoyed. The sheer rainbow of emotions that she felt when she thought of him gave her post-partum hormones a run for their money. In fact, they utterly surpassed them in every single intricate way. Thinking of a man again. Great.
She huffed out a frustrated sigh. She would be back at work soon, back in something like her old routine. A working single mother, and a happy one to boot. That was the plan. She felt as if she needed to keep reminding herself of that these days. Given her current swirling head, she wished she’d done what she’d almost done. Called to cancel her mother, put Violet to bed and eaten ice cream and chocolate in front of the TV. A thriller, with no romance involved. She could almost taste the chocolate, but she pushed herself to get back to the confident woman she’d once been. She was perfect, just as she was. She was just having a bit of a wobble. That was it. A bit of a flirtation with a passing stranger.
She thought of her movie last night but dismissed the idea. No, Ash wasn’t a spy. This was why she needed to get out more, and why she was pushing herself to go. She had been so looking forward to attending the Guise Ball before this. She had a feeling tonight would be different from the usual events though. She felt excited, and she didn’t trust it. She needed the plan to keep her sane.
‘You are fine as you are,’ she said aloud to herself, and felt her shoulders straighten in response. She said it to herself the whole way there, till the venue came into sight. Then, her mouth felt too dry to utter a word. ‘You...’ She swallowed hard. ‘You are sticking to the plan.’ She took another step, a more confident one this time than she felt. ‘You are fine as you are.’ She bit at her lip. ‘Now stop talking to yourself and go and have some fun.’
The nerves kicked in the second Marnie’s heels hit the grass of the village green. She felt odd. Naked without Violet and her changing bag. Alien in her own body without her child with her. They’d been together for so long, she felt lost. Careful not to ruin her sleek bob, she secured her mask and felt instantly better. Shielded. It was a little more glamorous than a bag full of baby wipes and rattles too.
She walked slowly across the grass, surveying the scene and taking everything in. She’d been so rushed lately, busy with work and Ash. His sudden departure the other night had really bothered her. But then, the mere fact that it had bothered her so much was so irksome that she’d been rattled by the whole thing. Why did she care anyway? He made her nervous. Wooden at times. It was embarrassing. She just couldn’t resist being near him, but she wasn’t going to tell anyone that. She wouldn’t need to anyway. This secret had an expiration date attached to it.
He was covering for her for a finite time, not for ever. He rented next door, as temporary nurses often did when the occasion arose. He’d be leaving, to go to the next job.
Then she’d be back to normal life, and he’d be off to help at the next place. It would be a shame though. It was quite nice having a neighbour. Especially one like this particular neighbour. She chose to focus on the night ahead. She wasn’t on show like she felt in her head. She was incognito tonight, and here to have some fun.
She nodded to a few people as she passed, enjoying the curious glances from them. They didn’t recognise her! The mask and her now no-longer-pregnant body were enough to make people take a second look. She quite liked it as she walked under the hundreds of twinkly lights, all adorned around the place. The Christmas tree was all lit up too, the perfect Cornish Christmas postcard scene. It was an amazing backdrop to the ball going on around her. Carey Cove was transformed for the evening, and the people with it.
She herself felt like a different person. Free, confident. Sexy. It wasn’t all breast pads and bath books, she knew. She told her patients often enough. To remember the woman inside the mother. She was actually stupidly glad she’d made the effort tonight. Violet was safe and being adored by her smitten grandmother, Marnie was wearing a nice dress, and she was going to jolly well enjoy it.
Enjoy it she did too. People-watching at parties was one of her favourite things to do. When the room was a happy one, anyway. She gazed at the masked people for a while, trying to work out who was who. In the end her efforts were futile, so she started to watch their actions instead. People were bolder wearing a disguise, she decided. It was quite daring. Nothing risqué of course, but there were more than a few longing looks, she thought. Maybe she was just feeling the post-partum effects again. She decided that she might have to keep using that line for a while. Especially given her recent daydreams. She needed to shake off everything for a few hours. Stop watching life and get back into living it.
As if fate was conspiring with her for the evening, the next song to come on was one of her favourites. She didn’t even try to stop her feet from heading to the dance floor. Normally she’d need a couple more drinks before she started making shapes, but the mask was a little protective shield. She felt great!
Marnie swayed along, lost in the music the minute her eyelids closed. God, she missed dancing. She used to love going out with the girls, letting their hair down and dancing the night away. It felt like so long ago now. Oliver had changed things. She’d lost pieces of herself, for nothing. She smiled as she moved to the beat, feeling oddly smug at the thought. She’d come through it, and now she was dancing again while her child slept. Safe and sound. What more did a woman need?
She opened her eyes as someone brushed their arm against hers, and her smile dimmed. She was dancing in a sea of couples. She hadn’t noticed it before. She felt as though her joy had been cut off. A little fish, swimming alone. She tried to shrug the feeling off. She shouldn’t have had that glass of champagne when she’d first arrived. She’d glugged it for her nerves, but now she’d had one thought of Oliver. Not even Oliver, she reminded herself. Hell, if he were on this dance floor she’d be sinking her heel into his stupid foot and walking away as fast as her legs could carry her. She didn’t long for him. Not any more. She did get the sense that she was missing something though, and she was back to feeling...
Well, she didn’t know what she was feeling, but she didn’t get a chance to prod at it. As she turned to head off the dance floor, and was striding towards another drink, something stopped her. Well, someone. Masked, tall, dark. Male.
Who was this guy?
She thought she felt a spark of recognition, but the man kept coming before she could get a good enough look.
She didn’t need another look. She knew half a second later exactly who the man behind the mask was. She would never admit it, but she knew that, right now, she could pick Ash Ellington out of a crowd of any other men in the world. The truth of that fact rattling around her brain scared her to her core. It was the one thing she didn’t want. His hand closed around hers, pulling her gently towards him. She knew the second his skin touched hers. The man was Ash. It was as if he’d charged her up from the inside. She felt as if she were glowing brighter than any light on Earth or above. Zap. The power of Ash’s hand in hers. It was unmistakable. Even when she didn’t recognise him, she knew him above anyone else. This was so far off her plan she might as well tear the thing up.
‘Dance with me?’
That was all he said. She didn’t even answer. The moment her feet moved in his direction, his hand was taking her free hand in his and twirling her. His hands were soft, but she felt the power in his easy grip. The warmth of his hand on her hip as he steadied her on a spin, her laughing as he waggled his eyebrows at her above the mask.
The song changed, but their steps didn’t falter. She tried to focus on the eyes behind the mask, the cut of his suit, as if that would give her a hint. A reason why this man made her feel so alive, what his deal was. Every time they saw each other, she needed more. To know more. To work him out, and how to stop his handshake from turning her into a bumbling idiot too. Not much to ask from a very confused and slightly overtired mother, surely?
She felt the thoughts float like feathers before she could catch them. His hands kept reaching for hers, twirling, dancing, and moving around each other. The other ball-goers were there, Marnie knew. She knew she was still on the village green; she could see the green brilliance of the Christmas tree reflected in the lights adorned around every tree and post. Reflected in every bauble and bright outfit of the guests. She knew where she was, that they weren’t alone. They were not the only people there.
It felt that way though. Slowly, song after song, beat after beat. Every touch they shared; their bodies never not connected to the other. The mask helped her daring side come out to play, and Ash matched her step for step. They danced as though they had done it for ever. The night went from slower songs to bigger beats, their dancing getting more fun and playful as the night wore on.
Marnie was hot, parched and she had laughed till her sides hurt. Her masked companion had come in like a bolt from the blue, and it had made her night. Most of the night, she thought as she caught sight of her watch under the lights. The rest of the dance floor were still going, the energy of the whole place in full frivolity. Ash nodded his head to the side, pretending to mop his brow theatrically. His eyes were bright beneath the mask, and she could see his heaving chest matched hers. He’d enjoyed it just as much as she had.
‘I might need a minute,’ she admitted over the noise of the music. He laughed, a deep rich sound she wanted to replay the instant it was over. When he reached for her hand, she took it, laughing as he led her off the dance floor. He led them away from the noise of the party and into a quiet, moonlit corner. Shielded from the noise, they caught their breath, still laughing.
‘I’m really glad I saw you,’ he said, pulling her a little closer behind a tree as a loud trio of people heading home weaved across the grass nearby. ‘I wanted to apologise for the other night. I didn’t mean to rush off the way I did. I enjoyed myself, I wanted you to know that. I feel bad for how it ended. I guess I was afraid I might pass out and drool into the spring rolls.’
He looked away, even when she attempted to smile at him. She got the distinct impression there was a lot more to the story of Ash. She ignored the questions within her. When it came to him anyway. She had told herself that it was just because he was helping her out, with work, even at the house. Ash was a neighbour, a friend. The tags she’d assigned to him on the way to the Don’t go there bin she kept for men and romantic entanglements these days. Her last interaction with a man had involved a test tube and she had sworn to herself she would not break that rule. Even though they had just danced like lightning bolts, fast and full of electricity.
‘Oh, that’s okay.’ Marnie was having trouble concentrating on his words. The proximity of him was overpowering her senses, and her strict ‘no man’ rules. She was drinking him in, the closeness of him. How good it had felt to be in his arms, twirling on the dance floor together. It wasn’t just his body though, or the way he made her feel.
How did he make her feel? As if she were plugged into a damn light socket, the electricity coursing through her skin wherever he touched her. It wasn’t just that, or the feeling that he was feeling the same jolt, the same sparks. It was his eyes that held her attention too. Intense, lustful flashes even, and something else. He looked upset, pained. Was he feeling the same doubts? Did he have the same rule about not getting involved with a woman? He didn’t stay in one place, after all. What would be the point?
She wanted to ask him everything, but she didn’t want to hear the answers either. Nothing good could come of it. Still, the sensation that he was going through something was unmistakable in his expression. She didn’t want to care, but she did. So much. She felt alive when she was with this man. She felt things she’d never felt with Oliver, and that knowledge was something even her stoically single brain couldn’t deny. She wanted to comfort him, be the one who chased his cares away. Even if it was just for the night. It couldn’t be more: they were worlds apart, and soon he would be miles away too. Possibly making some other woman’s heart fill with longing.
Ugh. Her heart clenched at the thought. She had no claim on him, but the thought of him with another woman made her heart hurt.
Would they feel the jolt from his touch too? She doubted it. She doubted that there were two other people on the face of the earth who felt like this in the other’s presence. ‘It’s okay,’ she repeated, her voice barely a whisper. He looked from her eyes to her lips, and back again. His tongue darted out to lick the dryness of his own full mouth, and she followed the movement as if she were starved. Her tongue tingled with jealousy. ‘Ash...’
She wanted to smooth the crease from his brow, but her hands didn’t move. ‘Did something happen? Is that why you left?’
She thought of their lips, so close on that sofa. So close.
‘Was it something I did?’
‘No, of course it wasn’t you,’ he cut her off softly. Once more his beautiful hazel eyes focused on her mouth.
Could he see the words hidden behind her lips, begging for release?
‘It was me.’ The pain in his eyes as he looked down at her stopped her from asking any more. ‘I’m sorry.’ She took off her mask, not wanting to shield her face from him in that moment. ‘It’s...complicated. All of this is complicated.’
‘Ash, it’s fine, honestly...’
All of what?
He was still staring at her. His eyes, those beautiful eyes, so unique. She couldn’t stop trying to fathom their depths. The pain behind them was something she recognised; she knew it. She recognised something in him. Was that what this was? This...this...thing between them?
He’s right. This is complicated.
The rest of her words evaporated from her brain, the heat from the dancing and the proximity of Ash turning every solid thought into mush the second it was formed. His eyes were locked onto hers, and they were closer. Almost touching. Marnie didn’t even know whose feet had moved. Everything but his gaze felt irrelevant as she looked right back. Seeing more than pain etched on his pupils the longer she looked. He took a deep shuddering breath in, and she couldn’t stop her fingers from moving any longer. She reached up to Ash’s face, slowly pulling the mask away from his features. He didn’t move an inch, but she felt his hot sweet breath on her cheek as she touched the skin on his temple. She wanted to see his whole face.
‘That’s better,’ she whispered. His lips twitched, and her eyes feasted on the movement. He dipped his head low, and she lifted herself towards him. The second their lips met, the crack of thunder they both felt pushed the two of them closer together. He wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her up and against his strong body. She could feel his hands shaking as he held her close. His lips were sealed to hers, the pain she’d seen in his eyes moments earlier gone. There was no pain in Ash now, he was right there with her. She felt sexy when he looked at her.
Like a man starved. He twined his tongue with hers, deepening the kiss just as much as she wanted him to. She had her hands on his face, pulling him to her while their masks hung from her fingers from their straps.
‘Marnie,’ he breathed, in between long, deep caresses of her lips. Marnie whimpered at that, liking the sound of her name on his lust-filled tongue. This was the hottest thing she’d ever done. It wasn’t just the masks either, the setting. It was as if she wanted to jump him, right here, right now. She’d laughed at that part in movies before, but, man, she got it now. Ding-ding-ding. She was on fire for the man. Wishing she were back in her cottage, and not with ice cream.
The twinkling of the lights behind Ash’s head lit him up like a halo from behind. She opened her eyes just to check he was there and found herself drawn to his closed lids. She was at a ball, dressed to the nines, kissing the hot midwife who was covering her maternity leave. He was leaving, and she was sworn off men. He was hiding something, something dark, she knew it. She had dark corners of her own heart, and her pain thrummed with his. She felt it, just as deep as the kisses he was giving her with everything he had. She was drunk on kissing his lips, feeling his tongue dip into her mouth, exploring her and gripping her ever tighter. His soft, large hands were wrapped around her. She felt no cold, no breeze from the sea. She just felt warm, and safe. Sexy and daring. Like her. Marnie had got her groove back...
‘Woo-hoo!’ a rather drunken voice sang out behind them, and Ash’s eyes sprang open. For a second, they grew lazy again when they locked with hers. He tightened his fingers around her, securing her to him. As if he was excited to find her there when his lashes lifted.
She felt the stirring of lust again even in her panic, and then the voice turned into voices. They sprang apart, Marnie grabbing her mask and throwing his into his waiting hands. As they put on their disguises, breathing heavy and hard, she heard Ash call her name just as the crowd drowned out his words. A few masked and rather sozzled party-leavers looked their way, Ash nodding awkwardly in their direction. Marnie took the turn of his head as her cue, and she ran off, towards the crowd. The spell had well and truly been broken. The coach was a pumpkin, and she was off like a shot. Not trusting herself to stay with him any longer. Embarrassed about being caught snogging in the bushes too. She had to stay living here after all. People talked to each other. Everyone loved a party story. She didn’t want to be the subject of gossip. Not again. Heck, no.
‘What have you done?’ she chided herself under her breath. ‘Dear Lord, Marnie! Get it together!’ Her lips still felt white hot, swollen from Ash’s attentions. Brushing at them, she still felt the tingle from his lips. She was surprised they weren’t on fire, scorched from the crackle that flowed between them.
Imagine if you’d had sex, her horny brain spat out.
‘Imagine? I nearly did...’ she whispered back to the voice.
She was breathing hard, and she knew it was more than the running she was doing. She’d stopped only to throw off her heels and grab them, but she’d heard Ash call her name. More than once. She didn’t turn around, she didn’t stop till she was standing outside her parents’ house, her hand on the doorbell. The whole journey there was a blur. There she was though, intact, deranged with the thought of what she’d just fled from, and still masked. She pulled it off her face as her mother opened the door. She twanged the elastic against the shell of her ear in her haste. Ignoring the sting, she painted on a smile.
‘Hi, Mum, everything okay with Violet?’
Her mother was never one for missing a trick. Marnie knew she was rumbled the second her mother’s brows knitted together. She never scowled, but the lowering of the brows was a sure-fire sign that she’d clocked something. Marnie continued her tactic of acting breezy and grinning like an idiot.
‘Oh, fine—she went right off after her bottle. She’s been good for her grandma as always. How was the ball?’
Marnie followed her into the house, eager to see her daughter again. She realised she’d forgotten about her that night, caught in the moment with Ash. She’d thought she’d feel guilty, but, surprisingly, she just felt like a woman who’d had a good night. Despite its complications. She didn’t know how she would sleep though. Hot and sweaty probably, as her dreams no doubt would be.
‘It was good. Fun. How’s Violet been?’
‘My granddaughter has been as good as gold as always. You’ve asked that twice since you walked in. I raised you, you know. I didn’t do half bad either, I think.’ Her eyes crinkled in the corners as she smiled. Her eyes were still searching though, like bloodhounds after a scent. Marnie hoped she didn’t look too dishevelled.
‘How was the ball?’ Her mother reached forward to pluck a blade of grass from Marnie’s hair. ‘Looks like you might have had some fun.’
Marnie didn’t look her in the eye. ‘It was good, I said. Lots of fun.’
Mostly in cosy darkened corners.
She felt her body get hot under her dress all over again.
‘Hmm, I can see that.’ Her mother started putting everything back into the changing bag, a knowing smile on her face. ‘Your cheeks are flushed.’ She smiled, her eyes dancing with mirth as Marnie looked at her agog. And very red-faced. She was flushed right through to the neckline. She felt as if she might combust. ‘And your hair looks like you were dragged through a bush.’
Marnie’s open mouth was her mother’s only answer. Not that she needed one. She was too busy laughing while she packed up Violet’s things.
The clock was a rather annoying concept. Time too. The clocks all ticked on, heralding the seconds of your life ticking by. Hours that you could be sleeping in. Much-needed sleep. She was lying in a comfy bed, warm and cosy. Violet was asleep, and she had time to get some much-needed shut-eye.
Which sounded perfect. Easy. Rare, given her new status as a single mother. She punched the pillow, looking once more at the clock. Three minutes had elapsed.
Marnie sighed and flumped face down on the duvet. It was no use. She couldn’t sleep. She’d half dozed off an hour ago, but the instant her lashes met she was back on that green. Back in Ash’s arms. In the shadows, kissing him. Tasting him. Exploring more. Fearful that she wouldn’t find it, and wary that she would. Pulling him closer to her as he reached for her just as desperately.
How the heck was a woman supposed to sleep when she’d got that on her mind? Especially after a very long dry spell, and a ‘no man’ rule that was cast iron. She could plead temporary insanity or blame it on the mask, but when she’d realised he’d reached for her, she’d forgotten his abrupt exit. That was the problem. As her regency romances would say, she quite forgot herself when in the presence of that certain gentleman. This wasn’t a book though. It was barely a chapter.
He was living next door, doing her job, working with her friends. He was getting entwined into Carey Cove. Into her life. Kisses in the dark were not part of any plan she had. She needed to stop thinking about her hunky neighbour and keep it as normal as possible till he left. Then she’d be back at work, tired, busy, and raising her daughter. Just as she’d planned.
She looked at the clock once more. Another four minutes lost to thoughts of Ash and the million reasons why kissing him again was a good idea. She’d felt more than his touch that night, and she wondered what his pain was. Why was a man like that single and travelling? Commitment phobic? She didn’t get that kind of read from him. After Oliver, her instincts were sharp on that score. Maybe her resolve wasn’t quite as steadfast as she’d thought, given her dalliance, but her instincts were always at play. But then, there hadn’t been anyone since Oliver. Her friends had tried and failed to get her to go on dates. She’d rather die than be on some dating site. She had no intention of running that gauntlet. She didn’t want a man, and she didn’t need one either. Violet was proof that her plan was worth it.
She’d gone through the IVF alone. The injections, the appointments, the surging hormones. She’d cried buckets inside rooms at work, overwrought with the surges going on in her body while she was trying to work and not think about babies. Which, of course, had been impossible. They had been in her face all day long. She loved it, but her own longing had made it much harder.
As if on cue, Violet woke up, letting her mother know she was hungry with a good healthy squawk. Her unmistakable feeding cries. Balm to her ears after reflecting on the days before she came to be.
‘It’s okay.’ Marnie smiled, rubbing her tired but wide eyes as she went to feed her daughter. ‘Mummy’s here.’
Once Violet was happily in her arms feeding, Marnie’s attentions turned back to Ash. She could see a light on upstairs at his place, and she wondered whether he was restless too.
Are you thinking about me? I can’t get you out of my head.
She’d felt it when they’d worked on the decorations together. Brushing her hands against his, seeing his reaction. She knew he felt it. How could he not? It was all she could do sometimes to stay on her feet when he was close. Her whole body reacted to him instinctively. She’d never felt that with Oliver. Which made her wonder what she was in for.
She wasn’t the type to go lusting after anyone. She didn’t have the time or the patience for games. Or lies. Oliver had tested every limit on that score, and his betrayal was not something she was ever going to go running towards. She felt as if she’d been blindsided by him, and she was furious at the lies, the time wasted.
She felt the old anger and hurt rise within her, Violet picking up on it and wriggling. Marnie shushed her and pushed Oliver back where he belonged in her brain. Firmly in the waste basket labelled ‘trash’. Which was where she’d placed all other men, if she was honest. The only male she had wanted to have any truck with was Violet’s sperm donor, and that wasn’t a man per se. More of a strong sample in a jar. That was enough for her. No pain, no games, or lies.
And now she was lusting after her neighbour. He was passionate about the job, just like her. Her friends had kept her up to speed on his work, and they were impressed. Not an easy feat with the ladies of Carey House. He’d got the seal of approval. The thought made her smile through her fatigue. As she looked out of the window at Ash’s lit window, she thought of something else.
His masked eyes at the ball, so full of something dark, hidden. She recognised it as pain. She’d seen it in the mirror enough times after her own difficult time. Pre Violet. He looked as if he was in need of sleep, pretty much all the time. Even at the ball she’d noticed how drawn he looked. It made her want to look after him. She was like that with everyone. It was her nature. Ash was different though. She recognised that. She wanted to know more, to help him even. It could be anything.
As she burped Violet and settled her back into her cot, she turned off the light and hoped that sleep would take her. She wanted to stop thinking about it. Ash could have any number of reasons for who and how he was. She didn’t need to drive herself mad with all the best-and worst-case scenarios. It was dangerous on two counts. Once she knew, she would have to deal with it. The easy way out was just not to know. Not to get involved. Because, as Marnie tried to close her eyes and not think of the man whose lips she craved, she knew. The second count was him, and how he made her feel. There would be no coming back from that loss. It was far better to keep her head down and just keep her feelings to herself. He would be gone soon, and the feelings would pass. She hoped for that as much as she did for sleep.
Turning over, she looked out of the window into the night. The curtains were half closed, leaving a nice gap for her to focus on. It was Christmas, she had the engagement party to look forward to. It was also Violet’s first Christmas, and the time when all their family traditions could be formed. She did think that it would have been nice to have Ash around, but she knew it would just get her in deeper. She had the life she had wanted for so long. Sure, it would have been nice to have someone to share it with, but life wasn’t perfect. What she had was enough before Ash arrived. She lied herself to sleep. It would have to be enough. It was the plan, and she always stuck to the plan. Whatever Ash’s deal was, it was for the next woman he kissed to worry about. In the next place.
It was another two hours before Marnie eventually slept, but she still dreamed of Ash. Driving away from Carey House, as Marnie watched from the doorway.