MARNIE HAD HAD a busy day. Ash had been working, so she’d decided to finish the house completely for Christmas. She’d changed her sheets, cleaned everything. Taken Violet out in her carrier for a bracing walk. The stuff she normally did, but that day she’d had an extra spring in her step.
She was happy—really happy. She felt sexy and seen, she was killing it at being a mother, and she was involved with her neighbour. In lots of delicious ways that made her skin blush pink even in the cold Cornish weather. She tried to plaster on a normal expression, dulling her smile to an acceptable level. Her cheeks were hurting anyway from doing it all day.
She’d received the odd text from Ash when he was on a break. Telling her he was excited for the night ahead. To see her again. Asking what they were both up to. He was good with Violet too, not hands-on, but he always asked about her. She’d noticed the other night, when he’d cleaned up. He’d put all Violet’s bottles in the steriliser. Folded her laundered pink baby blanket and left it on the side. It showed he thought something of her.
Oh, God, she was thinking again. There was no time for this. Her mother was coming through the front door. No time for wistful thinking that was neither part of the plan, or possible. It was a holiday romance. Holiday. Romance. She drummed the thought into her brain even as her heart tried to pump it out.
Oh, hell, no. Suck it up, Marnie!
‘Hello!’ her mother trilled the second she was through the door.
Marnie steeled herself for some subterfuge. Aka hiding the fact she was sleeping with her neighbour every chance she got. Or was planning to anyway. While she could. While the feelings creeping in were still manageable.
‘Hi, Mum!’
‘Don’t worry, the cavalry’s here,’ she called from the hallway. ‘I’m so glad you’re going out again, love. Where’s my granddaughter?’
‘Up here,’ Marnie called down the stairs. ‘Bring up that glass of wine from the side, would you?’
Minutes later, Violet was in the arms of her cooing grandmother, and Marnie was sipping at the cold wine and looking at her reflection in the long mirror.
‘You look beautiful, Marnie. That dress is perfect.’ It was a good find. It was a normal dress, just a size bigger than she’d usually wear, but she’d altered it. It had ruched, sweeping material across the tummy area, giving her confidence with her post-partum tummy. She loved her body for what it had achieved, but she wanted to feel good tonight. Confident and not giving a moment to adjust her outfit or worry about this tiny fold or that. Her body was beautiful, and she felt like that now. She knew the confidence had come in part from Ash, but it was down to her too. She felt as if she was finally living the plan. With a sexy six-foot-odd midwife bonus.
This dress was perfect for that. In a liquid, molten gold silk material, it made her feel as if she could hold her head up. She’d stuck with her usual sleek bob, knowing with a thrill that Ash loved it. It would no doubt be messed up by his hands by the end of the night. The thought of that gave her a frisson of butterflies in her stomach. Tonight felt really special. Oh, she knew that at Christmas most things felt special, everything was heightened. Good and bad, but it was more than that. She was thrilled to be going out with Ash. Even if her mother was there to witness them together before they left, with all her feelings on her face. Like mother, like daughter. She shrugged.
When Ash arrived at her door, he agreed with her mother about her dress. He looked at her in a very different way though. One that made her whole body quiver under the material.
‘Marnie, that dress is beautiful. You look amazing.’
She smiled. Normally she would have rebuffed the compliment from men but, from him, she didn’t feel the need to.
‘Thanks, you look handsome too.’
He was dressed in a smart black suit, the hazel of his eyes sharper against the dark blocks of colour. His tie matched her dress, she noticed. A matching gold that shimmered when he turned. They would look like a couple. She wondered whether he’d thought of that. As if he had put thought into the tie. He’d obviously taken note when she’d told him what colour dress she was wearing.
‘Nice tie—is it new?’ she added, and was rewarded with a smirk. A woman couldn’t analyse a smirk, so she decided to stop trying. They weren’t about games; they spoke about what they thought. If not fully what they felt. What she felt.
‘Thanks. I thought it would complement your outfit, but nothing could beat that.’ Her mother was busy fussing over Violet when she saw his gaze check on them. He leaned closer. ‘You really are trying to kill me.’ He half chuckled. ‘You look amazing. I can’t wait for tonight to be over.’
‘Aww.’ She was enjoying this. Teasing him. Driving him wild. ‘No dancing?’
He gave her a look that almost had her reaching for the zip of her dress prematurely.
‘Plenty of dancing. Nice and close.’ He practically whispered into her ear. ‘Hot and sweaty too, I should think.’ He pulled back just as her mother turned back to face them. He gave her a smug little smirk, a secretive little move that made her whole body react and held out his arm like a perfect gentleman who never made a woman blush with his wicked ways. When he looked back at her mother, the simpering smile she gave him told Marnie that her mother was already sold. This was getting messier the more time went on.
‘Shall we?’
She tucked her arm into the crook of his. Messy, but thrilling.
‘Let’s go. I’m itching to get on that dance floor.’ She gave him an innocent enough look for the benefit of her mother, but her sultry eyes were all for him. The squeeze she felt on her arm as he tucked her in closer to him was all the answer she needed.
The evening was chilly, but thankfully mild for December. Their breath still condensed in the air around them as they walked away from her cottage. It wasn’t too cold though, even though the snow was sparkling with the ice contained within the white surface. With her silk shawl, she felt quite comfortable. Unless this was just down to the heat of the man she was walking with. Her arm was still in his, and he’d slid it down for her hand and held it in his the minute their houses were out of sight. It was romantic, walking up to the hall. Everything was lit up. Fairy lights hanging high in the branches of all the trees they approached. It was like a fairy walkway, and the closer they got to the party venue, the bigger and brighter the lights and Christmas decorations grew.
‘It looks like your front lawn,’ Ash quipped, and she poked her tongue out at him. He’d helped her drag the rest of her lawn decorations out when he’d seen her struggling one day. It was yet another Christmas memory of him that had woven into her memory. When she was dragging them out solo next year, she already knew she’d be thinking of him. The thought of it was enough to make her miss him. Even while she was by his side right now. She pushed the thought out of her head and watched it freeze in the snow. Tonight was not for thinking ahead. It was Christmas Eve. She was going to enjoy herself as much as she could.
‘You should see some of the other houses around here,’ she countered, thinking of one friend in particular. One who loved penguins and decorating even more than she did. ‘Some of them make mine look like the Grinch’s place.’
‘I don’t doubt it.’ Ash nodded. ‘Are you excited for tomorrow?’
‘Very.’ She beamed at Ash. ‘Violet’s first Christmas.’ They could see the engagement party venue now, their feet picking across the grass. Ash was holding her tight, as though he was scared her heels would spike the ground and pitch them both forward. ‘Oh, doesn’t it look festive?’
Ash took a beat longer than normal to respond. Actually, he had been a bit quiet since they’d left the house. Maybe he wasn’t looking forward to tomorrow as much as she was? He’d already told her he’d put himself on the rota at Carey House for the day, explaining he’d happily take the hit, being the new guy at work, and a temporary one at that.
‘Ash, are you okay?’
His gaze fell to hers, and his face changed again. He looked almost peaceful. The frown gone from his features as if it were never there in the first place.
‘I’m great,’ he said, nodding to the revellers. ‘It looks like the whole village is here.’
‘Oh, they are.’ She had no doubt that most of the villagers would be here. Everyone loved Sophie and Roman. They were really happy as a couple. They didn’t much take their eyes off each other. Even when they were talking to other people. Marnie could see them, looking for the other over shoulders and sides of heads. It was cute to see. It made her heart ache a little too. They had their whole lives together. She had the rest of her maternity leave. If that. ‘What do you think?’
She’d asked him an innocent enough question, but he couldn’t tell her what he was thinking. The enormity of it was still hitting him. Leaving his cottage tonight and making the short walk to Marnie’s house, he’d had a feeling brewing inside him. He’d felt it at work too, the more he recognised people who came to see him, saw babies come back in for development checks. Babies he’d delivered were out there now in Carey Cove. Some of them might even be Violet’s classmates down the line. He had felt the odd pang of not seeing them grow up around him. How Violet would grow up without him. Hell, she wouldn’t even remember him, not that he would expect her to. It would be better if she didn’t remember a man who came and made her mother happy, then disappeared.
Would Marnie miss him? How long would it be until some other man saw what she was and set his sights on making Marnie his? Ugh. He’d been down this way of thinking before. Another man in her house? The thought made him feel sick to the pit of his stomach. He felt at home on their little street, in Marnie’s house. He felt at home everywhere in Carey Cove. It was an odd feeling, but he was fast growing to like it.
He watched his colleagues around him. Nya and Theo were dancing, smiles on both their faces, as they watched Sophie and Roman pass by. He was twirling her on the dance floor, her laughing her head off. Her ring twinkled like a bauble under the festive tinted lights above them. He needed to shake this melancholy off. He wanted Marnie to have fun tonight—she deserved it. He wanted to make the night amazing. Just for her.
‘Do you fancy a drink?’ he asked her. He could do with one too. To take the edge off. Push the dark thoughts away from the corners of the dance floor.
‘In a minute.’ She grinned back. ‘I’m enjoying the people-watching.’ She pointed out one of the darker corner tables. Ash looked across, scanning till he saw Lucas. He didn’t have Harry tonight, and he was obviously enjoying his night off. Kiara was giving him little kisses, the pair of them whispering to each other. Wrapped up in their own little world.
‘Those two are so cute,’ she breathed. ‘I love the two of them together.’
He raised a brow, and she brushed him off. ‘Hey, just because we’ve sworn off love, doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate romance.’
He looked back at Kiara and Lucas. He’d thought he was sworn off love too, once upon a time. He hoped Marnie didn’t really think that. He already knew that they were lying to themselves about this just being a passing attraction between them. They both knew it was more than that. They felt it. He was sure of that.
This place, he was sure of that too. He didn’t want to leave. He could really see himself living here, putting down roots again. It was such a surprise to him, but it was there, just the same. He’d felt so lost when his family had been taken from him. He’d given up the home he’d shared with Chloe. His parents had sold their farm, his childhood home, and moved away years ago. They wanted to enjoy as much of their retirement together as they could. It was always their plan, and he was thrilled for them. They were enjoying their life, happy together in their twilight years. Chloe’s own parents had recently sold up their own neighbouring farm, starting a new chapter of their lives too. It seemed that everyone was moving on, while he just observed and moved from place to place.
Marnie had drifted away with a kiss on his cheek, done on the sly. They weren’t exactly hiding their status, but they didn’t even know how to classify it themselves. A festive fling sounded tacky, and far off the mark from what he felt. He watched her chatting with her friends. She came alive around her friends. Animated hand movements, head thrown back in laughter. Marnie might have sworn off love, but it hadn’t left her.
She had it in abundance for her daughter. He saw how loved and cherished Violet was. Marnie as a mother was a joy to see. She found it easy, and every little task was an honour to her. Not a chore. Even when she was tired, and half asleep, she still showed how lovely she was. How kind, how thoughtful. A man would have to be a lunatic to walk away from a woman like that. God knew, he would never have walked willingly away from Chloe. Oliver was a man he hated despite having never met him. Any man who would allow a bride like Marnie to escape was a fool, in his book. If he were Oliver, he would have married Marnie and never looked back. That would have been the best way to spend his twilight years. Being loved by a woman like that.
Marnie’s eyes searched for his across the room, and she found he was already watching her. He could see her cheek flame, and as she looked at him with that knowing grin he felt his body stir. His heart too. He wanted this, but it was too messy. Too hard. Hell, he’d arrived late to this job. Perhaps he should never have come at all. The agency would have hired someone else. Marnie would never have known him. He would never have met someone he knew was a game-changer. He wasn’t even playing the game, was he? He hadn’t planned to. He hadn’t planned anything. What was the point in planning when everything was lost? When he’d been on that floor, being fussed over by his sisters, that was all he would say to them.
Wash your hair, Ash. You look like a scruff.
What’s the point? She isn’t here to see my hair. Run her fingers through it.
He remembered how final things had felt. How ended his life had felt. Yet he was still here, expected to keep living it anyway. All he’d had left was his job, and a house he hadn’t wanted to live in any more.
Marnie was still deep in chat with a small crowd, no doubt asking the work gossip and catching up on what she’d missed. When he’d arrived in Carey Cove, late and still a little broken, he’d felt as if he’d simply closed yet another chapter. He hadn’ realised Carey Cove would make him yearn to open up another one.
The time he’d spent here at Carey Cove, developing relationships at work, spending time with Marnie and Violet, hanging out at their houses, it was all so happy. Hopeful. He’d felt a sense of belonging, and he felt it even more strongly now as he watched the people around him at the ball. He was sitting alone, Marnie occasionally looking over and meeting his eye with a sly smirk. A smile she only gave to him, he noticed. He felt territorial about that smile. It was just his. If he weren’t here, would it disappear from her face for ever?
He winked at her and enjoyed seeing her flush before she turned her attention back to what Sophie was saying to the group of excited friends at the bar. Marnie was next to be served. He didn’t have long before she was back. He thought of Chloe and Sam then, and recalled the last time he’d visited their graves. He’d sat on the grass by their headstones for the longest time, telling them that he loved them. That wherever they were, they were always with him. He wondered, now, what they would think if they knew about Marnie. How he’d met a woman who made him happy. A place that made him want to stay, instead of run. He was healing. He had healed a lot. Especially in this place, with these people.
Marnie was being served at the bar now, and he watched her smile at the barman. Her gaze flicked over to his, and he smiled over at her. Her whole face lit up when she smiled back, and it made his heart swell. He didn’t want to leave this place. Marnie really was an amazing woman, and he couldn’t imagine not staying put to see where this could go. It wasn’t just the newness of it all, the twinkly lights and festive spirit overpowering his nomadic brain. When Marnie got back from the bar, he fully intended to ask her to be his girlfriend, to date properly. He’d tell her about his past, about Chloe and Sam, about the love and the loss he’d experienced, about how it had set him off on the path that had eventually led him to Marnie, and Violet, and a fresh start for them all.
He could find another job when it was time for Marnie to go back to work, and he’d keep living next door. He could picture it, them spending their nights together, sweaty and laughing wrapped in bed. Walking on the beach, making sandcastles with Violet as she grew up in front of their eyes. He wanted that, he wanted all of it. He wanted Marnie. He couldn’t wait to ask her to be his. To see this through. Together.
His phone buzzed in his pocket, and when he saw the name on the screen his heart lurched in shock. It was Chloe’s mum calling him. The timing couldn’t have been worse. He felt a wave of emotions. Guilt at what he was just thinking seconds earlier, how happy he’d felt before the call had interrupted his daydream. He was about to change his life, but it would change Chloe’s parents’ lives too. He was thinking about moving on, starting again, but although they’d physically moved, he knew that they would never be able to move on in the same way.
He loved them dearly, but their relationship caused him sadness sometimes. Like now. When he felt as if he was finally ready to move on, but he didn’t know how to do it without causing more pain to others. He answered the call, trying to sound jovial and hoping she wouldn’t hear the background music of the ball. He didn’t want her to think he was out having fun all the time. Another pang of ridiculous, crippling guilt. He listened hard, but he couldn’t make out his mother-in-law’s voice above the noise. He headed away from where they were sitting, taking the nearest exit into the cold December air.
The ball was in full swing. Sophie and Roman were enjoying every minute of their engagement party. It was a beautiful event, all twinkling lights, tasteful Christmas decorations and Cornish ones too, making the party look magical. Everyone was dressed in their finery, and Marnie had had so many compliments on her dress, how glowing she looked. Little did they know the reason why. Her stomach still flipped at the thought of her and Ash together. The shocks he brought to her skin every time he touched her.
She walked over to the table she’d left him sitting at, champagne glass in each hand. She was going to ask him to stay over, she’d decided. Sure, her mother would raise her eyebrows and she’d be straight on the phone tomorrow to find out the gossip before she went to Christmas dinner. It would be worth it though. She didn’t like the thought of him waking up in his house next door, alone. What was the point, when he could wake up next to her and have Christmas with them? She could easily share her first Christmas morning with Violet with him, then he could go in to work at Carey House as he’d planned, but be back to spend the evening with her.
The table was empty. Strange. She’d just seen him there. The napkin he’d been fiddling with was sitting on the table, right where he’d been sitting. He’d looked fine the last time she’d set eyes on him. She hadn’t seen anyone speaking with him. She stood there, glasses in hand, scoping the room for his hazel eyes. The back of his head. No matter how she looked for him in the crowd, she knew he wasn’t there. Had he left? Maybe it had all been a bit too much. Did he regret them? He didn’t seem to show any signs of regret. He’d nuzzled her neck before she’d left his side to go to the bar.
She remembered where she was. Staring at an empty chair with two glasses in her hands. She took a seat on the chair he’d just vacated. Putting the drinks on the table without spilling them was no mean feat either. Humiliation was running through her whole body, making her hands shake. He could just be in the toilet, she reasoned. He’d pop back up any minute, and then she’d feel like an idiot.
She calmed herself down, checking around to see if anyone had clocked her mini meltdown. If they did, they showed no signs of knowing. The party was in full swing, people in love all around her, having fun. She reached for her glass, drinking till the glass was empty. Having fun. As they should be. It was Christmas Eve, what had—?
Her phone was ringing in her bag. Grabbing for the clasp and dumping her glass on the table, she reached for her mobile phone. It was Ash.
She went to say hello but was stopped by a large crackle on the line. She listened. The line was awful. It sounded like the daleks were invading. She could hear a voice, faint. Ash!
‘I know I need to go.’
What was he talking about? She listened again. The line kept dipping in and out of sound, the crackles cutting everything off. She had to force herself to keep the phone to her ear. As she did, she could hear Ash again. Mostly it was just his gravelly voice she heard, the words not quite making sense to her ear. Till three did that made her blood cool.
‘Wife and son,’ was what he said. It was clear to her ear, even as her mind took a while longer to process the news. So, he was married? And they had a child? He did regret their night together. Because he’d crossed the line. What the hell was he doing with her here, on Christmas Eve, if he had a wife and child at home somewhere?
She never went out, and she’d thought that he was worth it. For this short while. She’d even hoped he’d stick around after, not that she’d discussed it with him. Now all of that, all of this, was laughable. The line went dead, and she pushed the phone back into her bag. He didn’t ring back. She had a feeling that she wasn’t meant to hear his words. She wished she hadn’t either.
She wanted to run home, tell her mother everything, get drunk and cry in bed. The old Marnie would have done just that. She was a mother now though, and she had heard only a snippet of a conversation. She owed Ash the chance to explain. She wanted to hear it, actually. She felt as if she needed to look him in the eye, if only for one last time. She was done hiding from men, and she couldn’t write Ash off yet. She drank his glass, pulled herself together and headed back to her friends. Whenever anyone asked her where her date was, she smiled and told them that he had a personal situation.
Did he? she thought to herself. That was the million-dollar question.
She cared too much about the answer. He wouldn’t be there tonight, in her bed, talking about their evening together. Or in the morning, when Violet woke up to discover that Santa had been. Not that she really knew, being that young, but Marnie didn’t care.
She still knew.
She could do it alone. That was the plan anyway. She pushed aside all thoughts of Ash, and partied with her friends, trying to dance and laugh her cares away. It was Christmas after all.
She had the best night ever, or she would have had. If not for Ash. Him not being there just felt wrong, even though she was used to seeing the faces that she’d spent her nights with pre-Violet. It felt weird Ash not being there. She came home alone, which also felt weird. Ash’s house was in darkness when she headed to her own front door. She resisted the urge to sob. Pulling it together once again to greet her mother, regale her with enough happy stories of the night to send her on her happy way home with thanks from her daughter. She went to kiss Violet goodnight, smiling as she watched her snuffle softly.
‘Happy Christmas, Vi,’ Marnie said, before pulling the nursery door half to. The night light lit up enough of the room to make it cosy.
The little LED Christmas tree on her dresser was twinkling. Marnie looked at it for a long time, before heading back downstairs. She had a few more gifts to wrap, and a bit more wine to drink. Not too much. She wanted her daughter to have the perfect day tomorrow. But tonight, tonight she allowed herself to be just a little sad. And eat the rest of the mince pies, she realised as she headed to bed a couple of hours later. She needed to get some sleep or Santa wouldn’t come, she told herself.
What little lies we tell our children.
That was her last thought before she fell to sleep, mince-pie crumbs still round her mouth.