Can I tell you a secret? What got you here, reading this book right now, probably won’t take you where you want to go. Before I explain, let’s rewind for just a second, back to that moment in the doughnut shop. Up until that point in my life, I thought that the only way to make real change was to focus on things such as finding the perfect app, the exact right workout plan, and the elusive diet that I could actually stick to. That was when I measured success according to a list of unrealistic standards I’d created for myself, in reference to what other people were doing, when I thought I needed to somehow become a motivated and disciplined person in order to make forward progress.

What Got You Here (Won’t Take You Where You Want to Go)

The thing is, I have always had plenty of motivation; at the start. I’d buy all the right produce at the store, sign up for the gym, download the app. I was practically a professional New Year’s resolution maker. But inevitably, no matter how motivated I was at the beginning, life seemed to get in the way. Most of the groceries from my new way of eating would end up in the trash, replaced by a wave of guilt about throwing it away. I’d start off strong, but eventually the gym membership would go unused. And before long, the new mindfulness app would sit ignored, another remnant of things I’d started but couldn’t stick with.

If you’ve ever found yourself in a similar start-slide-stop cycle, know that you’re not alone. The truth is, the vast majority of New Year’s resolutions fail, gym memberships go unused, and diets get abandoned. The dirty little secret is that motivation by itself is simply not enough to sustain long-term change. Sure, that initial burst gets you to sign up for the gym, to download the app, to buy all the groceries, but when it comes to sticking with it over time, it doesn’t last. Because in the never-ending search for wellness, we’ve missed something monumental.

What we’re missing is mindset.

The Problem with Motivation, Discipline, and Willpower

Mindset—the way you think—is actually what most affects your decisions, actions, and ultimately your results. That’s why just trying to be motivated, or disciplined, or have willpower doesn’t work long term. In truth, motivation, discipline, and willpower are all mental resources that deplete over time. Alone, they aren’t enough to change what you do every day or to get lasting results. A much better use of your time and attention is to focus on the specific skills and actions you need in order to create sustainable change. These will allow you to be committed and consistent.

The tricky thing about mindset is it’s…well, invisible. It’s a sneaky saboteur, so ingrained that it can keep you stuck and feeling terrible for years. It’s probably the real reason you’re not getting results. In truth, the way you think—your ingrained thought patterns—make a huge difference in how you live, affecting everything from your ability to be resilient and adopt new strategies to the formation of new habits and making daily decisions, all of which impact your results.

The reason we often miss mindset is that it happens behind the scenes inside the brain, something you don’t notice until you start paying attention to it. So even though mindset is the foundation upon which change is built—the thing that actually matters most—we most often skip it in favor of trying to adopt a new habit, set a new goal, or muster up motivation. But skipping mindset is going about the problem backward. Without a solid foundation in place, it’s far more likely that you’ll end up in that familiar start-slide-stop cycle, thinking that you’re not doing your part.

Skipping mindset can have you feeling completely frustrated because the new workout habit didn’t stick (again), burning out at work because you can’t seem to keep up, beating yourself up because of the all-out weekend pizza binge, or striving to do it all instead of being present in your own life. You keep telling yourself that if you just work harder, set better habits, find the perfect plan, or follow the latest workout trend to the letter, then things will be different. That you will be different. The good news? It doesn’t have to be this way.

In this chapter I’m going to break down exactly how mindset works, so you can untangle ineffective patterns and find a better way. Understanding mindset, and managing that incredible mind of yours, will give you the keys to unlock the results you’re seeking, putting an end to the cycle of striving. This is the first step, understanding what’s really going on and opening up to the possibility of another way.

That’s why we’re starting here, instead of skipping ahead to routines, strategies, and habits. Because without mindset, none of the other stuff will work in the long term. So let’s start at the beginning. You can absolutely do this, and you can do it on your own terms. You just need to find a new way that sticks and is sustainable. For you.

The Power of Mindset

Mindset is one of those words that are popping up just about everywhere these days, but it’s used in so many different ways it’s hard to figure out what it actually means. While it might seem as if mindset is the new cure-all—“Good Vibes Only!” “Think Positive Thoughts!” “Ten Ways to Have a More Uplifting Mindset!”—I honestly cringe a little when I see stuff like this pop up on my social-media feeds. Mindset is about so much more than thinking positively, manifesting, or mantras. The problem with the mindset-equals-positivity trend is that it ignores the complexity of the human brain, implying that if you’re not getting the results you want, it’s somehow your fault for not thinking positively enough.

Because if you really were thinking positively, you’d be getting results; right? Want to lose weight? Think positively! Trying to grow your family? Make sure you’re thinking positively! Want a college degree? Gotta think positively! Looking for success at work? Positivity, baby! And if those things haven’t happened for you? Well, then, you aren’t thinking positively enough. But what happens if you’re trying to think positively, have a bad day, and end up thinking a negative thought? Not only are you neglecting to think positively but you’re also beating yourself up because of it. And the cycle continues.

Now, I’m definitely not saying to ditch positivity; I’m just saying that “positive thinking” and “manifesting” are not the same as mindset. I’m also saying that you don’t have to think positively all the time, or stifle the full spectrum of your feelings and emotions in order to get results. You can still have bad days, experience moments of self-doubt, and have life setbacks. Heck, you can even think negative thoughts sometimes. I know; right?!

Because mindset is about something more. That amazing brain of yours is one powerful part of you, so talking about mindset means we’re going to get in there and think about thinking. Meta, but stick with me. Like I said, mindset is not the thought itself, trying to control your thoughts, or trying to think only happy thoughts. It’s not forcing yourself to work harder all the time or to be someone you’re not. Mindset is the actual way you think—the ingrained thought patterns that you may not even be aware of because they’re basically automatic. And these ingrained thought patterns? They affect everything from how you process information to how you form habits to how you make decisions. All of this together then affects how you act and behave, and the end results. Mindset is a seriously powerful thing.

Mindset Defined

The concept of mindset used to seem really fuzzy to me. I knew there had to be a reason I was trying so hard but not seeing results. When I tapped in to the neuroscience and psychology on how the brain works, though, it became clear just how important mindset is. Yet I still struggled to define it. It seemed the term was being used in so many different ways that I had a hard time understanding what it meant. After digging into the research, though, I was able to create a simple definition.

What we think of as mindset is essentially a set of recurring thought-pattern loops inside our brains. This super-dynamic set of patterns creates a chain reaction that influences our everyday actions and eventually our results too. I call this set of reactions the Mindset Loop. The Mindset Loop happens over and over, day in and day out, and, over time, the reaction reinforces itself to the point where it becomes so automatic that we often don’t notice it’s happening.

The Mindset Loop happens in four distinct steps. Here’s how it works.

1You take in information or you have an experience.

Let’s say, for example, that the experience is skipping a workout.

2This experience triggers an existing thought pattern in your brain. While there are an infinite number of possible thought patterns, to keep things simple, we’ll use just two examples.

First possible thought pattern: “Ugh, I missed a workout. I totally blew it.”

Second possible thought pattern: “Life got busy; no big deal.”

These two possible thought patterns represent a virtual fork in the road. Although the same experience has occurred (missing a workout), the thought patterns are completely different.

3Because the thought patterns are different, they trigger different actions.

For example, the first thought pattern—“Ugh, I missed a workout. I totally blew it”—triggers the action of skipping the next day’s workout because the options seem binary; either all-in or all-out.

The second thought pattern—“Life got busy; no big deal”—triggers an action of choosing a shorter workout for the next day, because you know there are many options for forward progress.

4The action triggers a result.

In reality, the result is actually the last step in the Mindset Loop, and with which you are most likely familiar. Since results are what we all want, it’s what we tend to over-focus on.

In the first example, the action of skipping multiple workouts triggers a specific result: An inconsistent approach to exercise.

Alternatively, in the second example, the action of evaluating realistic options and choosing shorter workouts triggers another result: A consistent approach to exercise.

These Mindset Loops repeat over and over, moment after moment, day after day, adding up to a constellation of results that make up your life. Eventually, results start to influence the way you take in information and the specific experiences you choose to participate in, creating a complete loop.

So simple, yet so completely powerful.

Practicing Mindset Loops makes them become automatic, eventually shaping your life. This is why mindset is such a big deal. While the only thing that happened in Step 1 was missing a workout, the outcomes are completely different. One experience, two entirely different results.

manage your mindset

As I mentioned, the Mindset Loop becomes automatic pretty quickly, because during that second step—where you interpret an experience according to an existing thought pattern—an actual pathway develops in your brain. And as that pathway develops and is repeated, it becomes ingrained, which means it literally changes the way your brain is wired. Those well-worn thought patterns become an actual part of you—so much so that you often don’t notice them. That’s why your actions, habits, and results can all start to look similar. And even though the possible pathways are infinite, your brain ends up following a similar path each time, because it’s become the path of least resistance, leading you right back to the results you get most often.

What you practice, you get better at.

But here’s the cool thing about the brain. It can change. Have you ever heard the saying “Neurons that fire together, wire together?” That’s called neuroplasticity, meaning that neural pathways form when neurons work together in the same way over time, creating lasting patterns in your brain. Once those pathways form, they become very efficient and automatic, explaining why you might keep getting the same results. The good news about neuroplasticity, though, is that those pathways aren’t fixed. As in, you can change them. They aren’t stuck.

And neither are you.

By mastering the Mindset Loop, you can change your brain and learn how to manage your mindset. This will shift not just the way you think but also your actions and results. Of course, this isn’t a quick fix. If you’ve spent years practicing one set of thought patterns, shifting to a new way of thinking is not going to happen overnight. But, again, the thing about neuroplasticity is that your brain can change, regardless of how long you’ve practiced old thought patterns. You absolutely don’t have to repeat the same old patterns, working hard, and not getting results. So that’s exactly what we’re going to do, talk about the secret mindset saboteur that might be the biggest barrier to results. It’s time to talk about striving.