Three, The Feel Good Mindset

Getting clear on the Striving Mindset—perfectionism, all-or-nothing thinking, and comparison—represents a fundamental shift in my own story and experience, as it allowed me to see how flawed many of our commonly held assumptions related to health and happiness are, and therefore, better understand the real reason I’d felt stuck and stressed for so many years. Being able to see this mindset in my own life made it clear why my approach wasn’t working.

For the first time in a long time, I felt there was something I could do to move the needle, to make a change, to find a true sense of ease and peace. The only problem was that the sense of relief that came from revealing the Striving Mindset was temporary, because as soon as I understood what was going on, I wanted a way out. I knew there had to be a way to intentionally retrain my brain to counteract the Striving Mindset, to get improved lasting results and to actually enjoy the process along the way. So once more, I dug in deep to the research, pulling from positive, behavioral, and cognitive psychology; decision theory; human development; neuroscience; and mindfulness teachings. Taken together, I was able to create an antidote to the Striving Mindset: The Feel Good Mindset.

The Feel Good Mindset is a way of thinking that not only counteracts the Striving Mindset but also is completely actionable; it’s a set of thinking skills that can be learned. This means it’s not a trait with which you’re born, or a personality type that you’re stuck in, but, instead, it’s a way of thinking that can be learned through practice. So no matter who you are, what your background, or the challenges you’ve faced, it’s available to you. With commitment and consistency, practice and process, you can learn to change your brain. Figuring out the Feel Good Mindset represented a real breakthrough in my story, but the breakthrough paled in comparison to the transformation that occurred when I started putting the new mindset into practice in my own life. All of a sudden, I wasn’t trying so hard; I was able to put effort and energy into the things that mattered and to let go of the things that didn’t. Without the striving stronghold, I didn’t constantly feel guilty or beat myself up about small things. I felt grounded in a foundation of resiliency, and I was able to start living in alignment with my motto: Gentle is the new perfect.

By training my brain to use the Feel Good Mindset, I also felt a sense of permission to let my life be real, with all the inherent ups and downs, and to quickly recover when things got off track. My days became so much simpler, too, because I had a clear sense of where to spend my time and energy. No longer operating from a place of scarcity and striving, I was able to celebrate my choices instead of comparing myself to others. I also found that my productivity dramatically increased, as I was no longer procrastinating or scattering my focus and attention across a million actions that didn’t matter. For the first time, I understood that wellness need not require restriction, sacrifice, or deprivation and that, instead, joy could be a part of the daily routine. I began getting results and enjoying the process along the way. I felt an overall sense of lightness and ease, all while moving forward on the path toward change. This is the power of rewiring your brain. This is the power of the Feel Good Mindset.

This is what I want for you. To shift, to rewire, to feel good. To let go of striving and find a whole new way to wellness. To let it be simple, gentle, and completely sustainable. To create a core of inner resilience so you can handle whatever life throws at you. And to take on life without perfectionism, all-or-nothing thinking, and comparison dragging you down. The Feel Good Mindset is waiting. Let’s get started.

What Is the Feel Good Mindset?

The Feel Good Mindset is a powerful shift in thinking that will take you from stuck and striving to focused and free. With practice, you’ll begin to rewire your brain, which will shift your actions and ultimately change your results.

The Feel Good Mindset is composed of three parts and each part is specifically designed to serve as an antidote to its Striving Mindset counterpart. That is, self-compassion counteracts perfectionism, Power Middle counteracts all-or-nothing, and gratitude counteracts comparison. This means, for example, that if you know perfectionism is a challenge for you, learning self-compassion is going to be life changing.

That said, there’s plenty of crossover among the three parts of the Feel Good Mindset, so there’s no need to get too wrapped up in the details of matching up everything. The mindset is designed so that focusing on one area of your life will improve the others, and vice versa.

How to Shift Mindset: The 4 P’s

I’ve developed a simple framework to make an easier process of shifting one’s mindset. I call it the 4 P’s: Pay attention, Pause, Practice, and Patience. Here’s how it works.

These shifts do require patience, though. Keep in mind that it took a long time to set the current connections in your brain, most likely years, and will therefore take time and work to reset. Be assured, though, that with practice and time, your brain will change.

Tips for Using the Mindset Practices

Focus on one practice at a time, perhaps starting with the one that speaks to you the most or that you are most likely to remember to use.

Decide on both a specific amount of time, and a specific time of day to pause and practice. For example, 5 minutes in the morning.

At first it might seem odd to practice a new way of thinking, especially out of context, which is how some of the practices are designed. With time, you’ll be able to put the new ways of thinking into action as the real situation arises.

Consider creating a mindset journal to capture your thoughts and your practice. Writing helps.

As you pause, engage, and start to feel the effects, continue to add practices.

Come back to each practice as needed. Add, subtract, and customize based on what works best for you.

In need of more structure? Chapters four and ten provide more guidance on creating a personalized practice plan.

Self-Compassion: moving away from Perfectionism

Self-compassion is the first part of the Feel Good Mindset, as it is perfectionism’s kryptonite. Learning self-compassionate thought patterns will allow you to release unrealistic standards, to meet yourself with kindness, and to know that making mistakes is part of being human. It’s a way of thinking that will reframe how you view your life, and how you respond to difficult situations. It’s so powerful, in fact, that I often wonder why it’s not required learning from the time we’re young—because the effects of practicing self-compassion are pretty major.

For example, research shows that self-compassion helps people get through difficult challenges, learn from mistakes, and persist even amid difficult situations. It also shows that self-compassionate individuals aim just as high as those without it, yet those who possess it are more resilient if they don’t reach their goals the first time around. What’s more, this ability to persist and keep going when things get difficult is highly related to self-compassion.

The Resistance

When I teach self-compassion in workshops and keynotes, I’m often met with strong resistance. People sometimes come to the false conclusion that practicing self-compassion will make them soft, weak, or apathetic. In addition, they mistakenly think that self-kindness is something that’s only for wimps and quitters and that adopting a self-compassionate mindset will inevitably take away their competitive edge. This misconception, which seems to be echoed across many cultures—especially in the West—is one that incorrectly assumes success and drive come from being hard on ourselves. We think self-kindness and -compassion will lead to laziness and apathy. Or we think that the only way to achieve results is to tough it out, to put on a hard outer shell, and to push through.

But nothing could be further from the truth. Sure, being hard on yourself might work in the short term, but studies show that people with a strong sense of self-compassion are far more likely to be successful in the long term than people who aren’t. Essentially, rewiring your brain toward self-compassion will help you reach your long-term goals. Remember that powerful sting from making mistakes that stems from perfectionist thinking? Well, that sting becomes far less painful when you learn to show yourself kindness, thus increasing the likelihood that you will persist. Also, self-compassion is strongly linked with optimism, self-efficacy, and personal initiative.

Practicing self-compassion, then, results in thinking that things will work out and increases our confidence to do what it takes to reach our goals, without worrying so much about messing it up. Self-compassion also contributes to resilience, which means learning self-compassion will help you better handle setbacks—both big and small—as well as the daily ups and downs of life. Bottom line, if you want to be more productive, to accomplish more, and to be more successful, learn self-compassion.

I also find that sometimes people are resistant to self-compassion because they think that showing themselves the same kindness that they extend to others is selfish. But instead of encouraging selfishness, research has proven that learning self-compassion allows people to better take care of others. Research also shows that practicing self-compassion makes for better caregivers, friends, parents, and partners. So, if you want to better serve others, start with self-compassion. Self-compassion is not lazy, weak, selfish, or self-indulgent. It’s the opposite.

The Compassion Shift

Although self-compassion has transformed my life, I’ll admit it was a concept to which I was initially resistant. As someone who used to be incredibly hard on myself, I was skeptical that self-kindness would be of any help. I rolled my eyes. “Oh, please,” I thought, “who has time for this nonsense?” Yet the research so strongly supported the benefits that I eventually gave in and began practicing. Pretty quickly I noticed I had more stamina throughout the day, as I wasn’t wasting so much mental energy beating myself up about making mistakes. I also noticed that I handled setbacks better than ever, and I had more patience for my family and those around me because I was starting from a place of gentleness with my own shortcomings. I was also able to start, and more important, finish many projects that perfectionist procrastination had once stopped me from making progress on.

Self-compassion has also been a healing balm to my inner bully, one that I didn’t even know existed until I started working to change my mindset. As I learned self-compassion, I began to feel a fundamental shift. Small moments of compassion wedged themselves between the internal battle and began to blur the bullying. I stopped trying to meet every unrealistic standard and started to allow myself to be here, as I am, right now. And here’s the kicker. Learning self-compassion hasn’t made me give up or quit. Actually, this gentle approach has made me stronger, more resilient, and more successful than I ever thought possible. Self-compassion also led to a lot more self-trust, and I couldn’t be happier about the transformation.

Practicing self-compassion doesn’t mean that every single perfectionist thought pattern disappears entirely. Even as I sit here typing these words, I am aware of the perfectionist thought patterns “This really isn’t very good” and “You can do so much better.” The difference now, though, is the way I respond. Instead of allowing the thought patterns to derail me, I’m aware of them and I can practice the self-compassionate alternative, which offers the gentle encouragement to keep showing up and continuing to improve. Since I’m not wasting time beating myself up, I’m able to sit through the discomfort when things are imperfect. This book you’re holding in your hands? It is the direct result of self-compassion. Of course, your specific perfectionist thought patterns will sound different from mine. Maybe you’ve never struggled with an inner bully; perhaps unrealistic standards pop up more in relation to your work ethic, your parenting, your athletic ability, or your relationships. Regardless of the trigger, perfectionism is generally easy to identify once you know what to look for because it takes the tone of an inner critic, chastising you for not living up to impossible standards or for not being enough.

At its core, self-compassion is about meeting yourself with kindness and knowing that, as a human, you’re bound to make mistakes. It also means knowing that we’re all in this together, as self-compassion researcher Dr. Kristin Neff says. Self-compassion is about embracing our common humanity, knowing that we’re doing okay just as we are, as perfectly imperfect human beings. Self-compassion is waiting for you. All you have to do is take the first step.

Self-Compassion Mindset Practices

Because self-compassion requires practicing a different way of thinking, the Self-Compassion Mindset Practices are designed to give you actionable strategies to create this mindset shift.

I recommend picking one practice to start with and then adding others when the first practice starts to become automatic. Know that it’s okay if at first the practices feel awkward, uncomfortable, or even silly. If self-compassion is new to you, it will likely feel strange. That’s okay. Do it anyway. Practice, and with time, it will become second nature.

Practice: Self-Compassion Schedule

WHAT:Scheduling self-compassion moments into your day.

WHEN:Twice a day. Set an alarm on your phone if you need a reminder.

HOW:Treat yourself to a tiny act of self-kindness by finding a quiet spot to sit and breathe, or taking a short walk. These acts need not be grand or over the top. The point is to start learning to prioritize self-kindness, even if in the smallest of ways.

Practice: 5-Minute Morning

WHAT:5-minute self-compassion morning practice.

WHEN:Set aside 5 minutes in the morning for this practice. It can be longer, but if you struggle to find time for yourself, start with just 5 minutes. If morning isn’t an option, set aside time in the afternoon or evening.

HOW:Put away your phone or other possible distractions and use the time to do something kind for yourself. This might include reading, journaling, slowly sipping a cup of tea or coffee, or simply breathing deeply. Use this time to remind yourself that you are worthy of compassion and kindness.

Practice: Compassionate Reframe

WHAT:Reframe your internal dialogue to a conversation you would have with a loved one; for example, a child, a partner, a best friend, or even a pet.

WHEN:After making a mistake or when you’re being particularly hard on yourself.

HOW:Think about a time when you made a mistake that bothered you. What would you say to your child or a dear friend who made that same mistake? Now repeat those words to yourself, either silently or out loud. Repeat as often as needed.

Power Middle: moving away from All-or-Nothing Thinking

The Power Middle is the antidote to all-or-nothing thinking, as it reframes black-and-white thinking into a multitude of possibilities. It’s a way of thinking that allows for gray area, space to explore multiple options, and to experiment with options in between extremes. The Power Middle will allow you to be more flexible in your thinking, and thereby more resilient in your life.

The Power of Flexible

One aspect of Power Middle thinking is the ability to use a flexible thinking style. This involves allowing for options between extremes and an awareness of the abundance of choices that exist beyond the binary yes/no, in/out, friend/foe. Research shows that people with a flexible thinking style have an easier time dealing with setbacks because they are able to see more alternatives that will allow them to move toward their goals. They also feel better in life because they experience more agency, and thus, more ways to get where they want to go. Researchers have also found that people with flexible thinking are better at handling and performing difficult tasks than those without it. For example, practicing a flexible thinking style allows you to reframe the idea that only extremes count to one in which everything counts, be it taking a 5-minute walk, adding a vegetable to your plate, or sitting down to do focused work for a short period of time.

Flexible thinking is also one of the best predictors of avoiding weight gain and having a healthy body weight. Researchers think this is because people who are more flexible in their thinking deprive themselves less and are less rigid about all-or-nothing food rules, achieving better results in the long term. Basically, flexible thinking leads to flexible behavior and the ability to make the most of a situation, regardless of the barriers or obstacles.

The Circle Cycle

Another part of Power Middle thinking is the ability to think about time and energy more in terms of circles and cycles than in lines and boxes. This is somewhat of a departure from traditional Western thinking, which often frames them as linear and finite. One need not look far to find such circular progression repeated across the natural world as well. Seasons exist in cycles, each transitioning into another; spring to summer, summer to fall, fall to winter, and winter to spring. What’s more, these cycles often occur without clear delineation or stop and start.

Take, for example, physical growth, as measured by height. Thinking about growth linearly causes us to assume that a person’s growth can be tracked in a straight line, increasing at the same rate over time. But if you’ve ever witnessed a child grow, you know that’s not how it works. Watching my daughter Elle grow, I’ve noticed her growth most often occurs in “seasons.” Month after month, we’ll measure no growth and then, bam, seemingly out of nowhere, she’ll grow an inch. I would never expect her to grow in equal increments, weekly, yet that’s often what we expect from ourselves when it comes to growth toward goals. Similarly, linear thinking often takes the form of thinking in opposites or along a continuum. But when you take the continuum line and bend the ends, that line becomes a circle, which allows for a fuller picture of the abundant options and choices available. Thinking in terms of cycles and circles allows for seasons of effort and growth, rest and recovery, the natural ebb and flow of life.

Like self-compassion, the Power Middle has both improved the progress I’m able to make toward goals and enabled me to feel good along the way. When I really started to understand that I had the power to find my own way, instead of feeling stuck choosing between two extremes, it opened up so many more options, and allowed me to follow my own path instead of feeling forced into someone else’s prescriptive program. Once I started to embrace the Power Middle, I was surprised by just how often all-or-nothing thinking came up in my day-to-day life. I’d catch myself feeling stuck between two options, or struggling with the “this doesn’t count” lie. But in noticing all-or-nothing thinking, and practicing Power Middle thought patterns, I was able to give myself permission to count everything, and to once and for all ditch the on-again, off-again wagon mentality. The “I’ve already ruined it; I might as well start over Monday,” or “I had pizza for breakfast, so now I should skip lunch,” or “I skipped a few workouts, so I might as well park it on the couch and quit the whole dang thing” approach became a piece of the past because flexible thinking allowed me to know there are always options in between. And instead of seeing growth as a straight, equal line, I could instead see it simply as a series of days, with each offering new opportunities to make choices.

Each day, a new day; each moment, a new moment.

I was actually able to use the Power Middle when I struggled with a cold that just wouldn’t quit—nothing serious, just not feeling my best. Resisting the urge to push through (hey, I told you I take self-compassion seriously these days!), I took the week off from exercise, allowing myself time to rest and recover. But you know that in-between-sick-and-well place, where you have to decide if you’re going to dive back into your routine full force or whether you’re going to take more days to rest? That’s exactly where I was. It seemed as if there were only two options: skip another day or dive right back in.

There was, of course, a third option, the place where the Power Middle comes into play. I decided I felt well enough to return to one of my favorite exercise classes, but I made a conscious decision to go back at half speed. This meant that when the instructor told the class to go hard, I maintained at a middle gear. And when she told us to sprint, I kept a steady pace. To be honest, finding a middle ground, especially when the rest of the group is doing something different, can be a little tricky. A big part of me wanted to go all-in, ignore my healing body and just go for it. But by using the Power Middle, I was able to have the best of both worlds. I used flexible thinking about the situation and embraced the season of recovery I was in, knowing that I would be able to circle back to full-effort mode in time. By using this way of thinking, I was able to resume consistency with my workout routine while also allowing my body time to heal.

That’s the thing. Both flexible thinking and thinking in terms of cycles lead to more consistency, rather than less. Remember, consistency doesn’t mean doing everything all at once. It means committing to the process and finding consistency in small steps over time.

The Two Out of Three Rule

The Two Out of Three Rule is a powerful part of the Power Middle; it will allow you to better embrace a long-term view of success and build a sustainable routine, particularly when you need some equanimity, or sense of stability and calm amid the chaos of life. Apply the Two Out of Three Rule any time you feel you’ve slipped up or made a mistake or misstep.

Say that your goal is to work out every day this week. But then you miss a day. Applying the Two Out of Three Rule, your goal would be to work out the next two days. Thereby a single missed day becomes less important, and it is less likely to cause you to give in to the all-or-nothing urge. This rule replaces the every-single-day ethos with the simple idea that success is about radical consistency.

Do it more days than you don’t.

Show up. Do what you can. Fall down. Get back up. That’s what the Two Out of Three Rule is all about. Fair warning, though, this strategy might feel a little uncomfortable at first. I mean, let’s take a moment to acknowledge just how totally counter this strategy is to the marketing messages and external expectations you may have internalized over the years. If you were an A student, a high-achiever, or excelled in some other area of life, this can be a tough pill to swallow. I mean, who wants to do something only two out of three times? That’s only 65 percent, a C+ at best. So if the idea of two out of three is pushing you out of your comfort zone a little, know those feelings are normal. And, hey, if that never-miss-a-day approach is working for you right now, keep doing what works. If you feel really confident in how you handle setbacks, if life never throws you off your game, if you effortlessly adjust during times of challenge and transition, then this strategy probably isn’t for you.

But if you feel what you’re doing right now is not working, if you find yourself at times feeling on-again/off-again, or struggling to adjust during big life changes, then the Two Out of Three Rule is a great strategy for you. To be honest, it’s a strategy that took me some time to adjust to, as well. Trust me, I want nothing more than to work out every single day, to eat beautiful real food 100 percent of the time, to practice mindfulness, to get enough sleep, to get all my work done, to spend quality time with friends and family. I’ve come to realize, especially since having a family, that I will never have a normal week. Never. Something always comes up. Always. This lack of predictability used to drive me nuts. I yearned for the time in my life when I could fit it all in. Since adopting the Two Out of Three Rule, I no longer crave a different life. I’m able to roll with the punches, accepting the unexpected each week, adapting, reworking, and returning to the habits that serve me. To have this simple reframe at my fingertips whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed by fitting it all in, or guilty for slipping up, has changed my life. I think it can do the same for yours too.

Since the Two Out of Three Rule can be applied to just about any situation, let’s take a look at some real-life examples. Say your goal is to eat healthful meals every day this week. Then you end up splurging on a night out with friends. You wake up the next day feeling bloated and disappointed that you didn’t stick to your original plan. Putting the Two Out of Three Rule into action, you would just focus on the next two meals. You would see breakfast as an opportunity to eat well and hydrate, and lunch as a chance to nourish and restore. The Two Out of Three Rule allows you to stop using past experiences as an excuse and instead helps you focus on the very best choice right in this moment and then move forward. As another example, you miss a workout. Applying the Two Out of Three Rule allows you to focus on the next two workouts. Or if you drop the ball on your mindfulness habit today, focus on getting right back to it tomorrow. Bottom line? When your definition of success changes from getting it right all the time to doing what you can most of the time, your odds of being consistent go way, way up.

And when your odds for consistency increase, you’re able to sustain healthful behaviors long term. Beyond individual opportunities within a particular day (e.g., breakfast, lunch, and dinner), you can also apply the Two Out of Three Rule to entire days and weeks. So if you have a fully “off” day—maybe you’re sick, traveling, or taking care of some other responsibility—use the Two Out of Three Rule to focus on the next two days, filling them with nourishment and getting back to basics with your healthful habits. Similarly, if you miss an entire week, focus on the next two weeks. No wasted time and energy feeling guilty or behind. Just forward progress, one day at a time. The rule saves me regularly as a working parent, as I’ve realized that on most days I can accomplish two things, but often not three. When I really leaned into this realization, when I fully embraced it, everything changed. Most days this means that I can eat well and get my work done, but most likely not get to the gym. With this in mind, I’ve found ways to slip bite-size pieces of movement into my day, from a quick walk during lunch to firing up a short online workout in the evening. Capitalizing on the two things I can do has allowed me to be consistent in my approach to wellness. In truth, the Two Out of Three Rule has saved my sanity. I hope it will help save yours too.

When the Power Middle and Two Out of Three Rule are taken together, a dynamic mindset shift occurs that will allow you to redefine success, use flexible thinking, embrace the phase you’re in, and set your own pace in finding radical consistency. Showing up more days than not. That’s what the Power Middle is all about.

Power Middle Mindset Practices

As with self-compassion, learning Power Middle thought patterns requires a different way of thinking. The Power Middle Mindset Practices are designed to give you actionable strategies to begin creating that mindset shift.

Start with one practice, as you did with self-compassion, adding another when the first practice starts to feel automatic. Again, if at first these practices feel awkward, uncomfortable, or even silly, that’s okay. Do it anyway. Practice, and with time, it will become second nature.

Practice: 5-Minute Rule

WHAT:When all-or-nothing thinking makes it seem as if there’s not enough time or energy, take 5 minutes of action.

WHEN:Use this practice if you feel overwhelmed starting a task because it seems too daunting, or when you feel as though you don’t have the time or energy for a task. The trigger for this practice is any time you say to yourself, “I don’t have time,” or “I don’t have the energy.” For example, when you notice yourself saying, “I don’t have time to exercise,” “I don’t have the energy to cook dinner,” “I don’t have time to meal prep,” “I don’t have the energy to start this work project.”

HOW:When you notice this happening, set a timer for 5 minutes. Do as much as you can in that amount of time, then stop. If you can do more, great. If not, that’s fine too. Remind yourself that every minute counts.

Practice: Third Way

WHAT:Use this practice when faced with a situation in which there seems to be only two options.

WHEN:The trigger for this practice is if you notice yourself thinking, “It has to be this or that.” For example, “I have to finish this entire project, or just give up on it,” or “I have to give up my dreams or quit my job,” or “I have to train for a marathon or stop running.”

HOW:When you notice this happening, write down the two options on a piece of paper. Ask yourself, “Are these really the only two options? Is there a third way?” Challenge yourself to write down as many alternative options as you can.

Practice: Always, Never, Ruined

WHAT:Use this practice when you’re feeling stuck in a situation, unable to move forward.

WHEN:The trigger for this practice is when you notice yourself thinking the words “always,” “never,” or “ruined.” For example, “I always give up when things get hard,” or “I never stick with anything,” or “I missed a day this week, so now I’ve ruined it.”

HOW:When you notice this happening, try reframing it by asking yourself, “Is this true, or are there other possible options?”

Gratitude: moving away from Comparison

My guess is that of all the parts of the Feel Good Mindset, gratitude is likely the one with which you’re most familiar. Gratitude has entered our collective consciousness in a major way, and for good reason. There are so many benefits of this way of thinking, and if you’ve already incorporated some kind of gratitude practice into your life, you know just how effective it can be. One of the major benefits of gratitude is that it provides a way out of toxic comparison, allowing you to better see the big picture and to appreciate the goodness that exists in your life at this moment.

Misunderstanding Gratitude

While gratitude is completely amazing, it’s also one of those concepts that seems to be a bit misunderstood. There’s a common belief floating around that you can’t feel gratitude and anxiety at the same time. While I completely understand the spirit of this idea—gratitude has been shown to reduce feelings of anxiety—you can, of course, feel more than one emotion at the same time.

I think we misunderstand gratitude when we approach it with the Striving Mindset, which causes so many problems. To be clear, practicing gratitude doesn’t require that you feel grateful 100 percent of the time. It doesn’t require that you never feel sad, down, or disappointed. It doesn’t mean ignoring the serious issues and challenges in life. I honestly cringe when I hear someone say, “I know I should be grateful when there are so many people worse off than I am, but.…” It’s that should part that gets me. Because ignoring your feelings or comparing your situation to others is not what gratitude is about. Practicing gratitude is instead about training your brain to see the goodness within the tough, difficult, sometimes draining aspects of everyday life. It’s a powerful way to rewire your brain to see the reality or full picture of your situation, instead of just focusing on the negative.

Because in truth, seeing the negative is another thing that’s hardwired into our brains. It’s called negativity bias, a natural instinct to identify threat and danger all around us. That’s why practicing gratitude is so valuable and so beneficial. Research has shown that people who practice gratitude go on to experience more joy, hope, and love in life, regardless of their individual circumstances. They also experience fewer negative emotions such as envy, greed, and resentment.

A consistent gratitude practice has also been shown to help lessen depression for people with chronic health problems, and it has been linked with increased feelings of trust and empathy, connection, satisfaction, and commitment in friendships, romantic relationships, and marriages. So, yeah. It’s that good.

Using Gratitude to Undo Negativity Bias

Gratitude can be used to counteract negativity bias; another one of those things that probably developed to keep us safe from real danger. Think about it. In ancient times, if you were constantly on the alert, looking for threats, you were more likely to survive. You wouldn’t get eaten by the lion because you were vigilantly on the lookout. These days our brains are hyperaware of threats that aren’t really dangerous. Negativity bias is the reason that a rude comment you receive on social media stands out far more than the dozens of positive ones. It’s the reason you can remember the exact words of criticism you received back in high school, even though you can’t remember the names of most of your classmates. And it’s the reason that all the things that went wrong during the day pop into your head right before you fall asleep. Negativity bias is also highly related to toxic comparison because it causes you to overfocus on the bad, stressful, or threatening things in daily life, instead of seeing the reality of the situation. That’s exactly what makes it so insidious—it gives more weight to the bad things, causing you to miss so much of the good.

But that’s where gratitude comes into play. Gratitude neutralizes negativity bias, allowing you to see more of the story beyond immediate threats. Practicing gratitude essentially creates a positivity bias, one that allows you to see a fuller picture of your experience—the negative and the positive—as well as know that your worth, and value, has nothing to do with anyone else. More accurately, gratitude essentially creates a reality bias, one that’s grounded in the full spectrum of what is real, both the good and the bad.

Should to Good

Take a moment to think about how often the word “should” comes up in daily conversation. “I should work out more,” “I should get around to organizing my closet,” “I should start meal prepping,” “I should be more productive.” The thing about “should” is that it often exists as a proxy for comparison, representing a focus on what everyone else is doing, rather than what would be good for you. When “should” pops up in my thinking, I’ve learned to reframe it in terms of “good,” or what would be good for me right now. Should to Good is a strategy to use gratitude to focus on your own story, your uniqueness, and what actually works for you. Of course, most of us know, at least on some level, that just because something worked for someone else doesn’t mean it will work for us.

But it can be so easy to fall into the one-size-fits-all trap, thinking that if it does work for someone else, it should work for us. Researchers call this the patient uniformity myth. For example, when it comes to randomized pharmaceutical and therapy clinical trials, “proven effective” only means that the drug or intervention worked for about 50 percent of the people tested. That said, placebos often work on 25 to 33 percent of those tested, so some of the best researched and “proven effective” medicines and treatments will actually work on 15 to 25 percent of those who use them. Now I’m definitely not saying that it’s bad to use treatments that have been proven effective. Having a gold standard in medicine is important, and clinical trials are very useful in determining what works best for an aggregate of the population. But the idea that one thing will work for everyone, without taking into account individual life circumstances and other variations? Well, that’s just a myth.

The Own It Zone

Despite all the research on the benefits of gratitude, when I first started practicing I honestly didn’t expect much. “How can the simple act of focusing on what I’m grateful for make any real difference?” I asked myself. Once I learned how to shift my thought patterns toward gratitude, I was surprised at just how much it changed my daily experience. Focusing on the bigger picture allowed me to feel a sense of grounded calm. I no longer went to bed each night hyper-focused on a long list of things going wrong in my life. You, too, can abandon the one-size-fits-all approach and use gratitude to take what’s available and make small tweaks and adjustments for you, creating what is essentially your own customized approach. Once this customization happens, there’s no need for comparison because what you’ve created is right for you alone. One of my favorite ways of using gratitude is to designate Own It Zones.

An Own It Zone is that beautiful place where you ditch the FOMO (fear of missing out) and embrace your own, unique life. Finding your Own It Zone is kind of like creating your personal gratitude-based life recipe. Customize the little things and use gratitude to draw attention to your preferences so you can create spaces, routines, and habits that are built for you. Own It Zones can be created for just about any part of life, from your workouts to the way you eat to relationships. I used my gratitude practice to create an Own It Zone by homing in on the parts of movement that allow me to feel good. For example, while hiking I’m able to tune in to gratitude related to my senses and felt experiences. Hiking becomes my Own It Zone, one that I come back to whenever I get a twinge of jealousy or the urge to compare. Instead of comparing myself, I just smile because I have my Own It Zone, my own thing that works for me.

You can also apply Own It Zones to your style of eating, particularly if the diets or meal plans you’ve tried haven’t worked for you. Starting with gratitude and noticing your preferences, tune in to how your body feels in relation to what you’re eating.

The key here is to experiment in your own life, notice gratitude, and, once you’ve settled on something, really own it. No need to apologize, second guess, or look around at what everyone else is doing. Because when you’ve figured out what works for you, it becomes effortless to ditch comparison in favor of your beautiful, unique self.

Gratitude Practices

As with self-compassion and Power Middle, learning gratitude thought patterns requires a different way of thinking. These Gratitude Practices are designed to give you actionable ways to shift your mindset. Start with one practice at a time, adding another once the first practice starts to feel automatic.

If any of the gratitude rituals feel awkward or forced, that’s okay. Practice and, with time, they will become second nature. Remember, too, that gratitude doesn’t mean you are always happy or thinking positive thoughts. You can feel grateful and all kinds of other feelings at the same time. It’s just about bringing more awareness to the good.

Practice: Three Grateful Things

WHAT:Create a simple gratitude practice to reflect on the things for which you are grateful each day.

WHEN:Pick a time of day, such as first thing in the morning or right before you go to bed at night.

HOW:Every day write down three things for which you’re grateful. No need to journal for hours, just a quick, simple list will do. You might want to create a specific gratitude journal for this purpose. If you feel stuck, start with small details. So instead of writing a broad general list, try getting specific; for example, the way morning light hits your comforter, the smell of coffee, the sound of your partner’s laugh.

Practice: Gratitude Files

WHAT:Capture small moments of gratitude using the camera on your phone. Then move the images into a specific gratitude file.

WHEN:Daily. Consider setting an alarm on your phone for a certain time of day and then take a photo at that time.

HOW:Challenge yourself to capture at least one photo per day. If you’re feeling stuck, look for tiny details. Return to the file whenever you need a little reminder, or a fuller picture, of all the ways gratitude shows up for you on a daily basis.

Practice: Stop, Drop, Gratitude

WHAT:A minute of gratitude.

WHEN:Use this practice during specific moments of comparison. For example, when you notice yourself comparing your current situation to someone else’s or to another time in your life, or when you’re feeling like you’re not making progress toward a goal.

HOW:When you notice comparison happening, stop, set a timer for 1 minute, and focus your attention on one thing you’re grateful for. If you’re stuck, focus on small details—your breath, the feel of the air on your skin, a favorite sound or song, a pleasant smell, etc.